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She loves me and I love her. But she's married


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SmartBrotha

I'll try to make this as short as possible...

 

I moved into my first apartment in college 6 years ago and met the most beautiful and intelligent woman I've ever seen. She lived above me. I found out early on that she had a serious boyfriend and yet we still began to talk and hang out every once in a while, eventually becoming intimate on several occasions. We both tried to pretend that it was probably just empty sexual lust, but something kept telling me I loved her. Finally one day I told her. She told me she thought she loved me as well but was so deep into her relationship/soon-to-be engagement that she just couldn't leave.

 

Fast foward SIX YEARS. I got engaged in January 2010 but soon realized that the connection I had with my fiancee was good, but not strong enough to sustain a lifetime commitment. One day I decided to look up my dream girl on Facebook. I found her, added her, and within hours we were exchanging messages. FB messages turned to text messages. Text messages turned into her asking me to call her because she wanted to hear my voice.

 

From the moment I saw her pictures and talked to her, I knew that I truly love this woman and that the connection I was missing was completely present. She also feels the same way. She's Content with her husband but she's basically just going through the motions. She's even fantasized about me during sex to enjoy it more. I've broken off my engagement and we plan to see each other next weekend.

 

She wants to get a divorce but is scared of the repercussions of her young son and how it will affect him. I totally understand but we both want to be with each other and I know for a fact that we would be happy together. How do I convince her without coming off insensitive to her child?

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bentnotbroken
I'll try to make this as short as possible...

 

I moved into my first apartment in college 6 years ago and met the most beautiful and intelligent woman I've ever seen. She lived above me. I found out early on that she had a serious boyfriend and yet we still began to talk and hang out every once in a while, eventually becoming intimate on several occasions. We both tried to pretend that it was probably just empty sexual lust, but something kept telling me I loved her. Finally one day I told her. She told me she thought she loved me as well but was so deep into her relationship/soon-to-be engagement that she just couldn't leave.

 

Fast foward SIX YEARS. I got engaged in January 2010 but soon realized that the connection I had with my fiancee was good, but not strong enough to sustain a lifetime commitment. One day I decided to look up my dream girl on Facebook. I found her, added her, and within hours we were exchanging messages. FB messages turned to text messages. Text messages turned into her asking me to call her because she wanted to hear my voice.

 

From the moment I saw her pictures and talked to her, I knew that I truly love this woman and that the connection I was missing was completely present. She also feels the same way. She's Content with her husband but she's basically just going through the motions. She's even fantasized about me during sex to enjoy it more. I've broken off my engagement and we plan to see each other next weekend.

 

She wants to get a divorce but is scared of the repercussions of her young son and how it will affect him. I totally understand but we both want to be with each other and I know for a fact that we would be happy together. How do I convince her without coming off insensitive to her child?

 

 

:confused:Really? Where did you purchase your crystal ball...I want one. You can't convince a grown person that you would be better for her or her child. Her husband might be able to convince her though.

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i feel sorry for her husband. she should be honest with him about how she feels.

 

see her - when her divorce is FINAL. you will save yourself so much heartache if you wait.

 

proper order makes everything less complicated.

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SmartBrotha

2sunny - I feel sorry for him too. He's taken her for granted for years and it's finally catching up to him.

 

Finally_Free - I didn't break off engagement for her. I broke it off because I know it wouldn't have lasted so it was better to end it before it got too far. As far as her never leaving, you have a 50% chance of being right and a 50% chance of being wrong. I could see if divorce in America wasn't a pretty common thing.

 

She's already called me out the blue multiple times crying about different things she's thought about that would happen with a divorce. She's also went as far as to find out about the divorce process and costs. By no means am I naive but you're way off on this one. :o

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SmartBrotha
:confused:Really? Where did you purchase your crystal ball...I want one. You can't convince a grown person that you would be better for her or her child. Her husband might be able to convince her though.

 

I should have been more clear. I was just looking for advice to give a person that wants to get a divorce but is having a hard time finding the strength to bring it up. I never said I would be better. She did.

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2sunny - I feel sorry for him too. He's taken her for granted for years and it's finally catching up to him.

 

Finally_Free - I didn't break off engagement for her. I broke it off because I know it wouldn't have lasted so it was better to end it before it got too far. As far as her never leaving, you have a 50% chance of being right and a 50% chance of being wrong. I could see if divorce in America wasn't a pretty common thing.

 

She's already called me out the blue multiple times crying about different things she's thought about that would happen with a divorce. She's also went as far as to find out about the divorce process and costs. By no means am I naive but you're way off on this one. :o

 

she will tell you what she WANTS you to hear... that's not necessarily the truth. if she never ends up divorced you will suffer immense pain from the disappointment.

 

you've waited this long to see her - why not wait long enough for her to divorce if she really loves you and intends to be with you? it will show you if she TRULY intends to be with you - or if she just intends to mislead you.

 

i'd wait = divorce needs to be final! tell her... see what she says...

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bentnotbroken
I should have been more clear. I was just looking for advice to give a person that wants to get a divorce but is having a hard time finding the strength to bring it up. I never said I would be better. She did.

 

 

No you didn't say better, it's one of the many scenerios of lying while cheating, nothing special there. You said you knew for a fact you two would be happy together...I asked where you got your crystal ball.

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I should have been more clear. I was just looking for advice to give a person that wants to get a divorce but is having a hard time finding the strength to bring it up. I never said I would be better. She did.

 

of course she's not bringing it up - she doesn't intend to divorce. she only intends to use you for her pleasure while she stays married. is that good enough for you? can you keep your heart unattached so you don't get hurt?

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bentnotbroken
I see the pessimists and lovers scorned are crawling the boards tonight. Thanks for your help folks! :D

 

 

You're welcome.

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your welcome. i find i am more of a realist than anything. maybe you're not liking what reality actually looks like when someone points out the obvious.

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Your stats are way off re: divorce. Often times people engaged in affairs divorce less often than others. The longer she stays the less likely she will leave. I also tend to think that the longer you stay involved, the less likely she will leave, because you will be enabling the very thing that you don't want. (her to stay) People get divorced every day with children, she can manage it to.

 

As for your disappointment with LS and your responses. Get real........voices of experience here and do you want a fake rosy picture or do you want us to blow smoke up your azz? :)

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You may really have a connection with her- you know how you feel. Ask her if she would file for divorce before you get physical again. If she tells you, blah blah why she can't, walk away. You want to be picked as number one. If she does not pick you now she never will.

I am involved with a terminally separated man, always future plans but nothing anytime soon. Do you want to spend Christmas alone? While she sits at her tree with her family, yet she can't leave for you?

Tell her you are seriously talking, get a divorce and I can see us living ever after.

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if she is the love of your life - and you are hers, it's worth waiting a little longer and having your self respect.

 

you've waited this long - what's wrong with waiting a little longer now?

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She wants to get a divorce but is scared of the repercussions of her young son and how it will affect him.

 

This is why she won't be leaving any time too soon, hon.

 

Most people in affairs SAY they want to leave, BUT... BUT... BUT...

 

The kids, the finances, the health of the spouse, the pre-planned vacation, etc.

 

There is always a but, and the AP likes to minimize the but, BUT - lol, the but is the exact reason the MP stays tethered.

 

She has already told you why she won't be divorcing her husband. I definitely suggest you listen to it...

 

As the others said, before you entrench yourself in an affair, set some boundaries, and tell her you won't see her until she's gotten herself clear.

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what's wrong with waiting a little longer now?
He's afraid another orbiter will take his place. There's always another one....
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bentnotbroken
your welcome. i find i am more of a realist than anything. maybe you're not liking what reality actually looks like when someone points out the obvious.

 

 

I agree. Some people prefer the fantasy to reality...doesn't make for great outcomes usually.

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whichwayisup
I should have been more clear. I was just looking for advice to give a person that wants to get a divorce but is having a hard time finding the strength to bring it up. I never said I would be better. She did.

 

Exactly. If she truly wanted OUT, she would do it. Just shows she IS having second thoughts and is confused, probably isn't sure if what you have is "LOVE" or "LUST". Remember, you two are basing everything on an affair setting.. She isn't sure of what to do and in the meantime she'll do and say anything to keep you waiting, give you hope and in the affair. Go read stampdaddy's threads, from the beginning from end. Do a site search on his name.

 

I see the pessimists and lovers scorned are crawling the boards tonight. Thanks for your help folks! :D

 

So you're going to leave because you don't like what people are saying? Maybe try not to look at people as bitter, but people who have been on either side or both sides of where you are now. And some just help, like advice or not, people are offering you jewels, it would be a shame if you ran away because you don't want to 'hear' what is said.

 

It's your life, but just know that MARRIED PEOPLE LIE when they have affairs. Not only to their spouses, but to their affair partners too. You are CHOOSING to believe her at her word. She is going to tell you what you need to know ON a need to know basis. She'll bend the truth to suit her best, depending on the day and what's going on.

 

Let me ask, is she still doing family things and going on outings with her husband? Socializing with friends, family, inlaws? ASK her. Go on, I dare you.

 

2sunny - I feel sorry for him too. He's taken her for granted for years and it's finally catching up to him.

 

How do you know this? Because SHE told you? IF she wanted to divorce, she would. People who fall out of love for real and cannot stand being married anymore DO something about it. And they do it as quickly and painlessly as possible.

 

Has she even talked to her husband? Do you have proof to back up what she's told you or again, just taking her word because she told you so. You see lawyer bills? Or any receipts?

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OP, do the RIGHT thing and wait until she is divorced to be with her. If you start sleeping with her beforehand she will get confused and may not make the decision.

 

Remember you have a responsibility to yourself first to protect your heart from possible disappointment.

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Exactly. If she truly wanted OUT, she would do it. Just shows she IS having second thoughts and is confused, probably isn't sure if what you have is "LOVE" or "LUST". Remember, you two are basing everything on an affair setting.. She isn't sure of what to do and in the meantime she'll do and say anything to keep you waiting, give you hope and in the affair. Go read stampdaddy's threads, from the beginning from end. Do a site search on his name.

 

 

 

So you're going to leave because you don't like what people are saying? Maybe try not to look at people as bitter, but people who have been on either side or both sides of where you are now. And some just help, like advice or not, people are offering you jewels, it would be a shame if you ran away because you don't want to 'hear' what is said.

 

It's your life, but just know that MARRIED PEOPLE LIE when they have affairs. Not only to their spouses, but to their affair partners too. You are CHOOSING to believe her at her word. She is going to tell you what you need to know ON a need to know basis. She'll bend the truth to suit her best, depending on the day and what's going on.

 

Let me ask, is she still doing family things and going on outings with her husband? Socializing with friends, family, inlaws? ASK her. Go on, I dare you.

 

How do you know this? Because SHE told you? IF she wanted to divorce, she would. People who fall out of love for real and cannot stand being married anymore DO something about it. And they do it as quickly and painlessly as possible.

 

Has she even talked to her husband? Do you have proof to back up what she's told you or again, just taking her word because she told you so. You see lawyer bills? Or any receipts?

 

 

 

She's also went as far as to find out about the divorce process and costs.

 

checking on costs means nothing. until she is actually divorced she isn't a free woman. even when married folks file for D - many still go back to the spouse after the initial fifling.

 

that is why i'm pointing out saving yourself from the pain and confusion that happens during the divorce PROCESS. it's a rollercoaster - that's for sure... a ride you don't want to be on if you can help it.

 

she's a big girl... she'll get the job done IF she intends to end up with you.

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MorningCoffee

Hey SmartBrotha,

 

Listen up, please. A little more than one year ago I was in your situation, amazed at the depth of the connection with my lover. We'd been seeing each other for several months, and it was getting serious. I was mesmerized by the idea of a possible future together after she got her D.

 

For the next several months, as our connection grew deeper, we were totally "all in" for each other.

 

My part in her life as an emotional connection was not kept entirely a secret from her husband, she always told him when she was going to be spending time with me. And while she told him she wanted to live apart, she didn't do anything to make that happen. And of course she kept the full truth of our increasingly intimate relationship from him.

 

Long story short, in the end, she decided several months ago that she was staying, at least for the next few years, for the sake of her toddler and for the financial security.

 

I could no longer stand sharing her, and we sadly and mutually ended our affair. All these months later, I have some good days and some very, very bad days. (No contact, so I have no idea how she's doing -- but I haven't heard of any D . . . )

 

Bottom line, she is amazing, and I love her, and for all the pain, I would not have missed that love affair for all the world. And you may feel that, too.

 

But hear me (and others here on LS) when I say that the chances of your lover actually going through with a divorce are very small. Especially as she has a little one, and mothers are oftentimes protective of their children to the point of self-sacrifice. Even sometimes sacrificing their own hopes for happiness. But what we hear is what she says, and we put our own spin on it to keep the dream alive.

 

If you want to avoid the pain, which at least in my case has exceeded any other I have experienced, then insist that she be divorced first.

 

If you want to have your own greatest love affair despite her being married, it's your choice. Just go in with your eyes wide open and know that your heart is likely to be ripped apart eventually by the lack of any ACTION on her part to bring an end to what is keeping you two apart - her marriage.

Edited by MorningCoffee
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cavedweller

SmartBrotha,

 

You state:

 

"I love her and she loves me."

 

I ask:

 

"Are you sure?"

 

I think she is bored with the hubby and she wants a little stiff weene and a roll in the hay

 

BTW, if you don't service her she will find some other jock who will.

 

my 2 cents

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Untouchable_Fire
I totally understand but we both want to be with each other and I know for a fact that we would be happy together. How do I convince her without coming off insensitive to her child?

 

You need to make sure she understands that you will be a great stepfather to her child. Also that you love her but you won't contact or do anything with her so long as she is married.

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alexandria35
2sunny - I feel sorry for him too. He's taken her for granted for years and it's finally catching up to him.

 

Oh I see. So her husband had this coming. Well what about when she cheated on him years ago with you? Before she married him, before she was even engaged to him. Was that his fault too?

 

Funny how you can be judgemental of him taking your MW for granted when she is the one who has been unfaithful and dishonest to him for years. She got engaged and married to him after cheating with you.Now he's the bad guy who is getting what he deserves? Words fail me.

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