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Dignity again


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"My sweetheart stays in his marriage because he feels he is obligated to see through the raising of all of his children"

 

As FA started a thread from one I posted (which is great) I am going to do the same with something she posted because it is a constant argue with my MM.

 

IMPO that phrase is not completly true, my MM feels a lot of dignity because of staying in the M for his daughter so it is Ok for him to have an A as long as he lives there.

 

Wouldn't it be really honorable to rather end it with me and be there for his daughter or simply end the M and start a nice good relationship with me or someonelse or better instead of having an A with me rather trying to get things better in the M and stary or leave if things were not working.

 

I am not saying FA's MM is lying.

It seems as a lie for me when my MM tells me that his daughter is the only reason he is staying because as I tell him if the ONLY reason is your child go, be with her til she goes to bed and do not go to bed with her mother go back to the woman you love (me)

 

So if you married at any age and at certain point you discover your spouse is having an affair or he is an alcoholic or whatever you have to stay because you have dignity??

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Not this woman.

 

Many do weigh what is best for the children against what is best for themselves.

 

But I personally believe they separate the two relationships erroneously: If the marriage is poor, I can still be a good parent.

 

I'm not sure that is true.

 

I have read that the family is only as strong as the marital relationship; If Mommy and Daddy love and respect each other; the kids fare a lot better in the long haul.

 

The most recent research on children's mental health says it has little to do with marriage OR divorce; It has to do with how amicable the marriage is and how amicable the divorce is.

 

And personally, my fWS was so much less than amicable to me during his affair and a real ghost dad during it to boot.

 

....No matter how he spun himself so nobly to his OW....

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bentnotbroken
"My sweetheart stays in his marriage because he feels he is obligated to see through the raising of all of his children"

 

As FA started a thread from one I posted (which is great) I am going to do the same with something she posted because it is a constant argue with my MM.

 

IMPO that phrase is not completly true, my MM feels a lot of dignity because of staying in the M for his daughter so it is Ok for him to have an A as long as he lives there.

 

Wouldn't it be really honorable to rather end it with me and be there for his daughter or simply end the M and start a nice good relationship with me or someonelse or better instead of having an A with me rather trying to get things better in the M and stary or leave if things were not working.

 

I am not saying FA's MM is lying.

It seems as a lie for me when my MM tells me that his daughter is the only reason he is staying because as I tell him if the ONLY reason is your child go, be with her til she goes to bed and do not go to bed with her mother go back to the woman you love (me)

 

So if you married at any age and at certain point you discover your spouse is having an affair or he is an alcoholic or whatever you have to stay because you have dignity??

 

 

This is what I and others have said for some time. End one or the other. Don't play the role of staying to be a good parent. Good parents don't show the kind of actions that disrespect, deceive and play mind games with others.

 

But if a parent truly is staying for the children, then there is no reason for the extra nookie on the side cause it isn't doing anything for the children. I don't know why BS stays after they find out. I have heard several reasons.

*They love their spouse and wish to continue to be married.

*They are doing their own thing.

*They really don't want the marital relationship but do want a family life.

*They stay to make the WS's life hell.

*They are afraid of starting over after a number of years with the same person.

*They believe in "till death do you part".

*They are facing a catastrophic illness and possible death.

*Etc., Etc.

 

I for one have played the martyr role longer than I should have and I don't feel the need to cover for anything to protect my children any longer. But I would never make that choice for another BS. If they stay, remain faithful, hanging onto the family...yes, I believe that is honorable, dignified and not my cup of tea. If they stay for revenge, making everyone's life miserable...not honorable, dignified and also not my cup of tea.

 

When I spoke of honor/dignity/respect..whatever term you prefer...I do believe that it is what you do when no one is watching. I also believe(and probably should have stated earlier)it is also what you don't mind others watching. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to hide, minimize or disguise. My actions should speak of who I am and my standards in public and private. My actions shouldn't change to fit a particular circumstance. Even if there is something that I don't want to do(which is most days)but I am aware that my actions impact others negatively, then I shouldn't be ashamed for my actions to be seen by others.

 

The assumption that those who haven't cheated have never had the situation presented to them or that they have never been in love...horse pucky. I think that comes with the ability to not let ones life be ruled by emotions(been there, done that, got a t-shirt). The heart is inherently evil. It does want,what it wants, when it wants it. It deceitful above all things and desperately wicked...it leads us into areas that we otherwise would never think of. Most WS who hold onto the spouse and the AP are not only deceiving themselves as to the reasons they do this, but they deceive both partners into buying some form of bull chips.

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Mimolicious
"My sweetheart stays in his marriage because he feels he is obligated to see through the raising of all of his children"

 

As FA started a thread from one I posted (which is great) I am going to do the same with something she posted because it is a constant argue with my MM.

 

IMPO that phrase is not completly true, my MM feels a lot of dignity because of staying in the M for his daughter so it is Ok for him to have an A as long as he lives there.

 

Which phrase is not completely true? I think you are fixated in the word 'dignity' and using in inproperly. What's so dignified about your MM saying that because he stays in his M for his child, his marital residence; therfore, he is entitled and should be permitted to have an A is his home base?

 

Wouldn't it be really honorable to rather end it with me and be there for his daughter or simply end the M and start a nice good relationship with me or someonelse or better instead of having an A with me rather trying to get things better in the M and stary or leave if things were not working.

 

Easier? Not necessarily. His BS may give him hell to see his child if he leaves. Wont know it till he actually tries it. Honorable? Yes, perhaps the "right" thing to do is to be true to himself and decide where he wants to rest his head. "Nice good relationship" with you? According to your other post his BS and you have had it out. Not sure how seamless it can be when it comes to his child coming around you. Again, wont know it till you try it. Now, you blissfully trusting him...

 

 

I am not saying FA's MM is lying.

It seems as a lie for me when my MM tells me that his daughter is the only reason he is staying because as I tell him if the ONLY reason is your child go, be with her til she goes to bed and do not go to bed with her mother go back to the woman you love (me)

 

As you stated in your other post- You are not the first A that your MM ever had. He's done it before. Am I correct or I am confusing your story? "go put your daughter to bed and then come back to me"? WHOA! I hope you guys live in the same complex. :rolleyes: Ummm... if your MM's reason was solely "staying for my daughter", I don't see why he is not able to comply with your suggestion. You have panned it out pretty convenient for him, so why can't he put his daughter to bed and go back to sleep with you? Obviously there is much more to it, No?

 

So if you married at any age and at certain point you discover your spouse is having an affair or he is an alcoholic or whatever you have to stay because you have dignity??

 

UH?:confused: I am having a hard time understanding your statement. Even if I try to translate it.

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Seriously - it is simply not possible for a WS to retain (or even claim) honor, integrity, or decency while simultaneously robbing their spouse of the same .

 

I dont really judge what someone feels they want or need to do...but in the case of infidelity...you kind of have to leave those three words out of the conversation or it just sounds like someone has been manipulated in an obvious way.

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Mimolicious
"My sweetheart stays in his marriage because he feels he is obligated to see through the raising of all of his children"

 

As FA started a thread from one I posted (which is great) I am going to do the same with something she posted because it is a constant argue with my MM.

 

IMPO that phrase is not completly true, my MM feels a lot of dignity because of staying in the M for his daughter so it is Ok for him to have an A as long as he lives there.

 

Which phrase is not completely true? I think you are fixated in the word 'dignity' and using it inproperly. What's so dignified about your MM saying that because he stays in his M for his child, in his marital residence; therfore, he is entitled and should be permitted to have an A ?

 

Wouldn't it be really honorable to rather end it with me and be there for his daughter or simply end the M and start a nice good relationship with me or someonelse or better instead of having an A with me rather trying to get things better in the M and stary or leave if things were not working.

 

Easier? Not necessarily. His BS may give him hell to see his child if he leaves. Wont know it till he actually tries it. Honorable? Yes, perhaps the "right" thing to do is to be true to himself and decide where he wants to rest his head. "Nice good relationship" with you? According to your other post his BS and you have had it out. Not sure how seamless it can be when it comes to his child coming around you. Again, wont know it till you try it. Now, you blissfully trusting him...

 

 

I am not saying FA's MM is lying.

It seems as a lie for me when my MM tells me that his daughter is the only reason he is staying because as I tell him if the ONLY reason is your child go, be with her til she goes to bed and do not go to bed with her mother go back to the woman you love (me)

 

As you stated in your other post- You are not the first A that your MM ever had. He's done it before. Am I correct or I am confusing your story? "go put your daughter to bed and then come back to me"? WHOA! I hope you guys live in the same complex. :rolleyes: Ummm... if your MM's reason was solely "staying for my daughter", I don't see why he is not able to comply with your suggestion. You have panned it out pretty convenient for him, so why can't he put his daughter to bed and go back to sleep with you? Obviously there is much more to it, No?

 

So if you married at any age and at certain point you discover your spouse is having an affair or he is an alcoholic or whatever you have to stay because you have dignity??

 

UH?:confused: I am having a hard time understanding your statement. Even if I try to trans

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Here's the thing that bugs me when I hear(or read) a WS use the line about staying because they want to be there for the kids, but then they continue the affair. Bull****. If you really cared about being there for the kids, you wouldn't risk losing time with them over an affair.

 

This is what makes me dislike and look down upon my ex the most. Not only did she put me and my children in a position where our time together was cut in half, she willingly gave up half of her time with them when she made the decision to cheat.

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