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Should the OW/OM attend the children's sporting events...even inconspicuously?


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Years ago, an OW mentioned that her MM liked for her to attend his children's sporting events, but not with him actually. She was to sit apart from him and his family (including his W). And she did so. Happily.

 

Do you think his request was reasonable or appropriate? Do you think she should have declined his invitation? Why? Or, why not?

 

ETA - There was no d-day in this scenario (yet, or that I knew of). It was MM's way of including the OW in more of his life, while not openly.

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Before I even knew what happened and when he said they were just friends .. and he just didn't want to be married anymore..

 

I walked past a brand new gray Cadillac with her name on the license plate.. The two of them were sitting in lawn chairs on the first base side of the field of the playoff game..

 

I was in such shock, I cried in the bleachers during the whole game.. I know people who we had known all of those years in little league .. must have thought I was crazy.. She continued to attend most of the games .. (thankfully a short playoff season) ..

 

If one has the gall to call a man at his business for diff reasons all of those months prior to breaking up the marriage .. she has audacity for anything?

 

He died 10 years later .. Now she is remarried and in the midst of ruining another family .. He has contacted prostate cancer .. and she has gone through a lot of his money already in just these three years..

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ETA - There was no d-day in this scenario (yet, or that I knew of). It was MM's way of including the OW in more of his life, while not openly.

 

------------------

 

Sometimes I think the MM wishes to use these events for the discovery ..

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Years ago, an OW mentioned that her MM liked for her to attend his children's sporting events, but not with him actually. She was to sit apart from him and his family (including his W). And she did so. Happily.

 

Do you think his request was reasonable or appropriate? Do you think she should have declined his invitation? Why? Or, why not?

 

ETA - There was no d-day in this scenario (yet, or that I knew of). It was MM's way of including the OW in more of his life, while not openly.

 

Ew. Just. Ew.

"Hey, OW, I love ya lots, but I don't love you enough to leave my W. So why dontcha come on out to Junior's ball game, so I can rub my happy little family in your face."

ew.

Did I say ew? Ew. :sick:

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If they are having an A and there is no disclosure, then absolutely no place at all. How incredibly self centered of the MM.

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fooled once
Years ago, an OW mentioned that her MM liked for her to attend his children's sporting events, but not with him actually. She was to sit apart from him and his family (including his W). And she did so. Happily.

 

Do you think his request was reasonable or appropriate? Do you think she should have declined his invitation? Why? Or, why not?

 

ETA - There was no d-day in this scenario (yet, or that I knew of). It was MM's way of including the OW in more of his life, while not openly.

 

The MM I was seeing DID attend my son's sporting events -- when the MM was living an apartment away from his wife. After he moved back in with her (after a year), he attended 1 event and he told his wife he was running out for pizza :laugh: Needless to say, he didn't stay long.

 

I think it is ridiculous for an OW to attend a kids sporting event of the MM's children. WHY? so she can see him and his wife interact?

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I find it a bit sinister and would worry that the children would find out or be aware of something odd.

 

If the MM has chosen to keep the OW away from his 'public' life - and his wife - then he should definitely, in my view, keep her the hell away from the kids.

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LucreziaBorgia

Definitely leave the kids out of it. There is no reason whatsoever to have OW/OM around the kids. It would be different if H and W were divorcing or divorced (both exH and I bring our SO's to our daughters events - then again, we all get along really well).

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Ahhh, but c'mon...He needs the OW to see what a devoted father he is, right?

 

He's just staying for the sake of the kids....We all know that!:rolleyes:

 

Sure she should go, if she believes his bs.....

 

But then, I'd like an invitation to see her son play. I'll sit on the sideline and watch not only her, cuz she's such a great mom, but my fWS too, because he's a kinder father figure to her son then his own father.

 

Love it!

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I was invited to attend some of his daughter's events. He would of course not be seen with me, but it was an attempt to make me feel included in his "other life". It felt really awful to see him with his W. I know the kids recognized me as someone their mother was loudly and openly jealous of before she knew of the affair. So it was probably no surprise when the A was outed, to the kids anyway. In retrospect, I think my presence at those things made me look like a stalker.

 

Anyway, I picked out Christmas gifts for his kids for several years, I bought all the decor and linens for their bedroom at his house when he finally moved out. I wanted them to someday know I cared even though they never knew I did those things.

 

The plan was always supposed to be that i would meet them someday, and all of the prior stuff was just groundwork. For a long time I thought we could blend our families, but unfortunately all his eneregy went into appeasing his psychotic xW at the expense of our relationship. Ah well.

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whichwayisup
I know the kids recognized me as someone their mother was loudly and openly jealous of before she knew of the affair

 

Can I ask then, why on earth you would go? Knowing that the kids would recognize you and that she felt that way about you? Was it that you couldn't say no to your MM? It was totally inconsiderate of him to invite you!

 

It felt really awful to see him with his W.

 

Don't you think he knew that?

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MorningCoffee

My fMW/AP didn't invite me to sporting events, as her child was still too young for such things, but early on in our A, she did suggest I get a girlfriend so we (me, my GF, my AP and her H) could all go out on a "double-date."

 

I mean, are you kidding me? I am going to find a GF while I am entering into a PA with her? What are these MW/MM thinking?

 

Reflecting on this with hindsight, and in light of the OP's question, I wonder if the MW/MM is trying to come up with some sort of subterfuge or camouflage to enable the AP to gain some sort of "public" stance in their life with their H/W. Weird, no?

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unfortunately all his eneregy went into appeasing his psychotic xW at the expense of our relationship. Ah well.

 

Yeah, because that would be only reason why he would ditch you in favour of his marriage, his BS just *had* to be psychotic/Dr Evil/Lizzie Borden. Purleaze, haven't we had enough of this excuse for an affair ending? :D

 

Back on topic, I like what Morning Coffee says about this scenario, that's an interesting observation.

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Reflecting on this with hindsight, and in light of the OP's question, I wonder if the MW/MM is trying to come up with some sort of subterfuge or camouflage to enable the AP to gain some sort of "public" stance in their life with their H/W. Weird, no?

 

I think so. I think the MP is doing two things at once. Appeasing the OP by making them feel included and have a memory to *share*, and also to enable them to have the A right under the spouse's nose, practically in plain sight.

 

I just wonder how the OPs that do it feel? Is it like a delicious secret to be so open and yet so discreet? Almost every case that I know of, the OP was figured out immediately by either the BS or a friend of the couple that just noticed little things.

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Ahhh, but c'mon...He needs the OW to see what a devoted father he is, right?

 

He's just staying for the sake of the kids....We all know that!:rolleyes:

 

Sure she should go, if she believes his bs.....

 

But then, I'd like an invitation to see her son play. I'll sit on the sideline and watch not only her, cuz she's such a great mom, but my fWS too, because he's a kinder father figure to her son then his own father.

 

Love it!

 

I was invited to one once and I'm very glad I went. His biggest reason for staying in the M is his child and he wanted me to see firsthand why. I struggled with the decision to go, as he struggled with inviting me, for weeks. In this circumstance I was very glad to have gone as it did give me an insight and understanding I needed.

 

Keep in mind it was a very large event and there were hundreds of spectators so there was nothing conspicuous about me being there.

 

Someone noted something along the lines of so you could see how he interacts with his W. The goal was to understand the R with his daughter...one of the outcomes was to see the complete lack on interaction with his W and for it to verify much of what he had told me at that point (bear in mind this was only a few months into it). I understand it was only a 'snapshot' of them, but it showed me exactly what he had described his M as-and before anyone jumps the gun that was nothing other than companionable and content and they were complacent, and their interaction said that for the short bits I could see them together.

 

Would I do anything further or would I have done it under different circumstances-no.

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I was invited to one once and I'm very glad I went. His biggest reason for staying in the M is his child and he wanted me to see firsthand why. I struggled with the decision to go, as he struggled with inviting me, for weeks. In this circumstance I was very glad to have gone as it did give me an insight and understanding I needed.

 

Keep in mind it was a very large event and there were hundreds of spectators so there was nothing conspicuous about me being there.

 

Someone noted something along the lines of so you could see how he interacts with his W. The goal was to understand the R with his daughter...one of the outcomes was to see the complete lack on interaction with his W and for it to verify much of what he had told me at that point (bear in mind this was only a few months into it). I understand it was only a 'snapshot' of them, but it showed me exactly what he had described his M as-and before anyone jumps the gun that was nothing other than companionable and content and they were complacent, and their interaction said that for the short bits I could see them together.

 

Would I do anything further or would I have done it under different circumstances-no.

 

I'm not going to address whether or not I think you should have gone. I'm just interested in the "verifying what he said" aspect of it.

 

If I tell someone to come somewhere so they can see my interactions with a person, I'm going to make sure that they see exactly what I told them about.

 

I would be very careful making judgments about a person when someone invited me for that very purpose.

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bittersweet memories
I was invited to attend some of his daughter's events. He would of course not be seen with me, but it was an attempt to make me feel included in his "other life". It felt really awful to see him with his W. I know the kids recognized me as someone their mother was loudly and openly jealous of before she knew of the affair. So it was probably no surprise when the A was outed, to the kids anyway. In retrospect, I think my presence at those things made me look like a stalker.

 

Anyway, I picked out Christmas gifts for his kids for several years, I bought all the decor and linens for their bedroom at his house when he finally moved out. I wanted them to someday know I cared even though they never knew I did those things.

 

The plan was always supposed to be that i would meet them someday, and all of the prior stuff was just groundwork. For a long time I thought we could blend our families, but unfortunately all his eneregy went into appeasing his psychotic xW at the expense of our relationship. Ah well.[/QUOTE]

 

 

With all due respect...all your post sound like YOU are the jealous one. You always seem to put the wife down whenever you have a chance. There seems to be alot of anger and jealousy from you to her. Direct that towards your MM. Just sayin...

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I think another possibility (I'm going to cast the genders in the MM/OW sense here) is that it is probably a HUGE ego feed for the MM, to have two women both so dedicated to him, and both humiliating themselves for him - one knowingly and willingly and the other unaware, but humiliated just the same. Let's call it "deferred humiliation."

 

Add in the risk factor - the "delicious secret" that NID mentioned - and for the right kind of man setting up this kind of scenario would be hard to resist. :sick:

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I have to agree that an OP's presence at kids' sporting events, even if the MP secretly invited them to stand aside and watch, makes them seem like stalkers.

 

The kids aren't going to be glad they came. They are going to wonder why they were being stalked.

 

If my dad had another woman at my sporting events, I never noticed honestly. I think he told her to wait until he left, he always left way early during the first quarter of my games. Always thought that was odd. Especially since I would call my stepmom and she would say that he wasn't home yet and he left two hours ago from my event.

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silverplanets

For me, attending any event of my daughter is about ensuring that it is the most positive it can be for her.

 

I want to share and help her with her preparation, allow her excitement to develop safely without becoming fear, know that she is supported by me without feeling pressurised and know that, whatever happens, she is loved and that I am proud of her for taking part.

 

In other words - each event and moment is a chance to create a treasured moment for her which will stay with her until adulthood.

 

Sometimes that means going to something quietly and sitting at the back, because that is the right way to support her development, other times it means being more involved and giving her more direct support. Most times it means going there with 100% attention on her needs and being flexible about how I respond to them.

 

Could I do this if I had a wife and OW at the same event ... I doubt it.

 

If the adults in my life aren't adult enough to be able to recognise the value of me giving 100% at these times to my daughter then I really would have to ask myself if they shared my core values.

 

At other times, of course, children have to take second place to the adults ... they need to learn that as well ... but at their own sports event??? ... no, in my view, they deserve to bask and grow in their parents fulll support and attention on these occasions.

 

Do you switch your mobile off at your children's events? Do you take your laptop with you and work whilst they are running? Do you carry on your Affair whilst at the event?

 

It's all the same thing in my view ... not doing what you should be doing whilst your there !!!

 

:)

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Fieldsofgold

I can see attending ONE sporting event at a *large* public forum, where there were a lot of people and OW truly would never be noticed. I would think if I was really in love with a man, I would want to see/know his children, and from the distance and safety of a large crowd at a sporting event would not cause a problem for the child or W or family. If I were an OW, which I will never knowingly be, I would probably do that - invited or not :) - just once - just to see/know of whom he speaks.

 

But just generally attending the child's sporting events in the typical setting - no, I think that's shabby and class-less, and disrespectful to the OW for the MM to ask. And stalkerish of the OW.

 

More than once has a stalkerish quality to it. And I would not enjoy seeing the MM-W together.

 

I would be careful about drawing too many conclusions about the MM/W R - if MM *knew* I was there. (remember, I'm the one who had phone conversations with my xH, where his responses were *totally unrelated* to anything I was saying - he was "staging" a conversation for his listening OW.)

 

There's the old saying, "don't believe anything you hear, and only half of what you see." Must have been coined by a reformed MM. A lot of truth to it.

Edited by Fieldsofgold
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Do you think his request was reasonable or appropriate?

 

Neither.

I could find such a request understandable (but still very inappropriate and plain stupid) if OW really, really wanted to see MM's children. A sporting event is a relatively "neutral" place to have a look at MM's children without feeling like a stalker.

 

Do you think she should have declined his invitation? Why? Or, why not?

I think she should have declined (unless she was the one who insisted to go) and reminded the guy that he should make a choice instead.

 

It was MM's way of including the OW in more of his life, while not openly.

 

Was the MM actually planning to get divorced?

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Yeah, because that would be only reason why he would ditch you in favour of his marriage, his BS just *had* to be psychotic/Dr Evil/Lizzie Borden. Purleaze, haven't we had enough of this excuse for an affair ending? :D

 

Back on topic, I like what Morning Coffee says about this scenario, that's an interesting observation.

 

Turnstone, she IS psychotic. He didn't go back to her. They got divorced. I respect the fact that you may not have been the "evil" wife. But she is. You have no business mocking me.

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With all due respect...all your post sound like YOU are the jealous one. You always seem to put the wife down whenever you have a chance. There seems to be alot of anger and jealousy from you to her. Direct that towards your MM. Just sayin...

 

Seriously, you have no idea the hell this b*tch has put me through, her kids through, and her xH. She is much like OWoman's H's xW. And I think I have every right to be angry given what she pulled, and what he pulled. But you really have no business judging me.

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I'm not going to address whether or not I think you should have gone. I'm just interested in the "verifying what he said" aspect of it.

 

If I tell someone to come somewhere so they can see my interactions with a person, I'm going to make sure that they see exactly what I told them about.

 

I would be very careful making judgments about a person when someone invited me for that very purpose.

 

He never mentioned me watching his interactions with his wife. As I said it was something that came of it. We have a few mutual friends and acquaintances who had basically said it beforehand and it was just as everyone said it was. The event went over several days and I ended up going an afternoon when I was supposed to be working. He didn't know I was there till I had been there a while and was about to leave.

 

In all honesty it didn't really matter to me...that wasn't why I attended, I just thought I'd note that sometimes the lack of interaction with spouses is telling.

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