New posters on the OW/OM forum and the Infidelity forum

[jennie-jennie]

I have a theory.

 

When I go to the Infidelity forum, it is because I want to discuss a topic which is brought up there. I don't go there to welcome and support new BS posters. I don't go there to tell a new poster that I believe an OW has a right to pursue a relationship with a MM if she is in love with him. I leave it to the BSs to welcome another BS, and this in spite of the fact that I have been a BS myself in my two prior long term relationships.

 

When I see BSs posting here on the OW/OM forum sometimes it is to discuss topics brought up here, but very often it is to give tough love to new OW/OM posters. At times this leads to the new posters feeling that LS is not the place for them, which is unfortunate since they have turned to LS because they were in need of support.

 

Perhaps we should leave the welcoming to the respective group on each forum. There is no need to worry that tough love will not be delivered on the OW/OM forum, since there are such varying opinions among the OW/OM themselves.

 

1) Do you post on both forums?

2) Do you post on new posters' threads in the other forum?

[Citizen Erased]

Three words:

 

You're dreaming love.

 

Believe it or not this part of LS actually used to be worse. There is no way you are going to have just a group of OW supporting each other and giving advice. Not given the broad group of people that post on LS itself. There are actual forums dedicated to being an OW, that do just what you are seeking.

 

Asking what you are is like Tony trying to keep people from going off topic in water cooler threads. Want it all you like, ain't going to happen.

Edited May 21, 2010 by Citizen Erased

[jennie-jennie]

Three words:

 

You're dreaming love.

 

Believe it or not this part of LS actually used to be worse. There is no way you are going to have just a group of OW supporting each other and giving advice. Not given the broad group of people that post on LS itself. There are actual forums dedicated to being an OW, that do just what you are seeking.

 

Asking what you are is like Tony trying to keep people from going off topic in water cooler threads. Want it all you like, ain't going to happen.

 

I was only talking about the initial welcoming of new posters, that we show some respect for their vulnerability. Is that dreaming - to show respect for the newcomers and let them be welcomed by their own kind?

 

As I have stated elsewhere, I prefer LS with its varied membership of WS, BS and OW/OM. The discussions become more interesting with a variation of posters and opinions. It is just the initial welcoming that I am speaking of.

 

A bit of self control on the part of BSs might do wonders for the new OW/OM posters in if they perceive LS as a supportive forum or not.

Edited May 21, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[reboot]

I post in both forums.

 

I post in new poster's threads, old poster's threads, in between poster's threads. Any thread that seems interesting to me.

 

Part of the problem is, and it's been this way for as long as I've been here (although it doesn't seem to be as bad lately), a lot of OM/OW seem to think OM/OW forum somehow belongs to them, and a lot of BS seem to think Infidelity belongs to them.

 

That couldn't be farther from the truth. Read the forum descriptions. They are just a means of separating like threads to make it easier to find similar topics. White clothes in one hamper, colored in another.

 

The subject matter in both of these forums is going to attract people from all sides of the triangle.

 

And I think the vast majority of people come here to get straight answers to tough questions, not get welcomed aboard.

[jennie-jennie]

Is it then appropriate for me to start seeking out new BS threads and state my opinion that tough luck, your husband is in love with another woman, that is just how life goes, suck it up, I don't believe in marriage anyway?

[jennie-jennie]

Part of the problem is, and it's been this way for as long as I've been here (although it doesn't seem to be as bad lately), a lot of OM/OW seem to think OM/OW forum somehow belongs to them, and a lot of BS seem to think Infidelity belongs to them.

 

Obviously I do not believe that the two forums belong only to the one group, since I post myself in both of them. That is not at all what I am talking about. I am talking about human decency. I am questioning the utility of shoving your opinions down the throat of a new poster if you have not walked a mile in their shoes.

Edited May 21, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[jennie-jennie]

Is it then appropriate for me to start seeking out new BS threads and state my opinion that tough luck, your husband is in love with another woman, that is just how life goes, suck it up, I don't believe in marriage anyway?

 

Correction, this should read:

 

Is it then appropriate for me to start seeking out new BS's threads and state my opinion that tough luck, your husband is in love with another woman, that is just how life goes, suck it up, I don't believe in marriage anyway?

[anne1707]

Obviously I do not believe that the two forums belong only to the one group, since I post myself in both of them. That is not at all what I am talking about. I am talking about human decency. I am questioning the utility of shoving your opinions down the throat of a new poster if you have not walked a mile in their shoes.

 

But isn't your suggestion that BS should back off and not tell it how it is from their perspective the equivalent to you "shoving your opinions" (your words) down the throats of posters?

[jthorne]

And what about us Proudly Reformed Other Women? I guess we're just supposed to keep our mouths shut entirely. It seems I've dished out some tough love equivalent to that of a BS.

 

It all goes back to what one sees as support. As I said on another thread, I get really tired of when other posters don't like the advice given to the OP, it's seen as bashing, or unsupportive. So you don't like the advice? Skip the post. Add your own support. I don't mean to be rude, but this IS an open Internet forum; my crazy grandma could've posted here if she wanted, and if she were alive. And believe me, she'd had plenty to say.

 

When opposing viewpoints are given, it's typically to help the OP, not bash them. I know that I have never posted anything out of spite or to hurt another person. I have posted because I have been through a situation, learned from it, and don't wish for others to experience the pain I did. If what I have to say is helpful, great. If it's not, there's another post right above or below mine that's different. As I said yesterday- LS was doing fine before I got here, it'll be fine after I'm long gone. Same with most everyone else here, except the moderators, of course.

 

And who are other posters to decide what's appropriate for the OP. Just the other day, someone posted something that even I thought was a little harsh. The OP (who was new, btw), thanked the poster for their common sense, tough love approach. I suppose that why we have Community Guidelines on an open forum. Some people will respond to the tough love, some will respond to the softer approach. I know that when I came here, I was looking for that tough love. It's what I needed for that final push in getting out of a disastrous situation.

 

Bottom line is, it's an open forum. We're all different. If only OW actively in affairs were allowed to post to other OW actively in affairs, I think it'd get pretty boring pretty fast. And like you said, there are other forums for that.

 

So to answer your question, I post on a lot of boards. Even the Political board every now and then.

[bentnotbroken]

I was only talking about the initial welcoming of new posters, that we show some respect for their vulnerability. Is that dreaming - to show respect for the newcomers and let them be welcomed by their own kind?

 

As I have stated elsewhere, I prefer LS with its varied membership of WS, BS and OW/OM. The discussions become more interesting with a variation of posters and opinions. It is just the initial welcoming that I am speaking of.

 

A bit of self control on the part of BSs might do wonders for the new OW/OM posters in if they perceive LS as a supportive forum or not.

 

:lmao::lmao:Self control. I guess you have your version of self control and others have their version of self control.... :lmao:

[jennie-jennie]

And what about us Proudly Reformed Other Women? I guess we're just supposed to keep our mouths shut entirely. It seems I've dished out some tough love equivalent to that of a BS.

 

I brought this up in the OP. I didn't want to use the term reformed OW, since some LS posters don't like it. But an OW is an OW, whether reformed or unapologetic.

 

Perhaps we should leave the welcoming to the respective group on each forum. There is no need to worry that tough love will not be delivered on the OW/OM forum, since there are such varying opinions among the OW/OM themselves.

[Fallen Angel]

I very rarely post in Infidelity board anymore since it was told to me several times that my opinions as an OW were not welcomed there. In fact, I rarely read over there anymore.

 

I do admit to occasionally hopping over there to see what is diverting so much attention when this board gets quiet.

 

I agree that far too many new LSers quietly leave without ever getting the help that they came here seeking because anyone admitting to being an OW/OM gets flamed right away.

 

They get told that their relationship is a waste of time, that they are commiting sin (of course not everyone believes in the same God, or even any God, but that doesn't stop the sin card from being played.) They are told they are lying if they admit to feeling remorse for causing BS pain. They are beat up, dumped on and called everything short of a "wh*re".

 

I almost left shortly after coming to LS. Fortunately I saw the need for more voices speaking about what is the reality of an affair realationship, rather than the BS perspective that it is all a hormone induced fairytale.

 

I hope that I show equal respect to both OW/OM and BS. But in case I appear to not show enough compassion for BS (despite my 15 years as a BS:rolleyes: ), I stay on "My Board" as i have been told to do. *shrug*

[jennie-jennie]

:lmao::lmao:Self control. I guess you have your version of self control and others have their version of self control.... :lmao:

 

True enough.

 

It is very obvious to me that your opinion of appropriate self control is pretty much the opposite of mine, Bent. Moral relativism once again.

[jennie-jennie]

I almost left shortly after coming to LS. Fortunately I saw the need for more voices speaking about what is the reality of an affair realationship, rather than the BS perspective that it is all a hormone induced fairytale.

 

This is my experience as well. I too almost left shortly after coming to LS. I surprised myself by staying here and I certainly surprised myself by preferring this forum to others.

[jennie-jennie]

Is it then appropriate for me to start seeking out new BS's threads and state my opinion that tough luck, your husband is in love with another woman, that is just how life goes, suck it up, I don't believe in marriage anyway?

 

Anybody care to answer this question? This is actually at the core of what I am getting at.

[reboot]

Some OM/OW pretty much do say things like that all the time. So what? Are we not all grown ups here?

 

People come here because they have problems they want help solving. They don't come here to socialize (well, maybe some of us old timers do to a small extent). They come for answers.

 

This is not facebook. This is not a social networking site. Most threads that become "chatty" are quickly closed/deleted anyway.

[jennie-jennie]

Some OM/OW pretty much do say things like that all the time. So what? Are we not all grown ups here?

 

People come here because they have problems they want help solving. They don't come here to socialize (well, maybe some of us old timers do to a small extent). They come for answers.

 

This is not facebook. This is not a social networking site. Most threads that become "chatty" are quickly closed/deleted anyway.

 

OK, perhaps I should take you up on that. The result of this thread might then be that I change my mind on the appropriateness of me "welcoming" new BSs.

[jennie-jennie]

And what about us Proudly Reformed Other Women?

 

Jthorne, I am so happy to see that you are proudly claiming your identity as a reformed OW. There is nothing like being proud of who you are! :bunny:

 

(I am not being sarcastic, in case anyone thinks so. I mean what I am saying.)

[reboot]

I just think there's a lot of unnecessary "us against them" mentality here. On both sides of the fence. Threads should be lumped into categories, but not people. I judge people here based on their attitudes and their words (it's all I have to go by), not by whether they fall into the same "category" that I do. There are plenty of OM/OW here that I like a lot, and plenty of BS that I don't like at all. And the reverse of that is also very true.

 

I choose to live my life a certain way, but I don't look down on, or vilify people that make different choices. But when someone asks for advice or opinions, I give mine based on my own perspective. Just like we all do. And just like we all should.

 

What a boring world it would be, and what a boring forum this would be, if we all thought exactly alike, if we all gave exactly the same advice.

[jennie-jennie]

I just think there's a lot of unnecessary "us against them" mentality here. On both sides of the fence. Threads should be lumped into categories, but not people. I judge people here based on their attitudes and their words (it's all I have to go by), not by whether they fall into the same "category" that I do. There are plenty of OM/OW here that I like a lot, and plenty of BS that I don't like at all. And the reverse of that is also very true.

 

I choose to live my life a certain way, but I don't look down on, or vilify people that make different choices. But when someone asks for advice or opinions, I give mine based on my own perspective. Just like we all do. And just like we all should.

 

What a boring world it would be, and what a boring forum this would be, if we all thought exactly alike, if we all gave exactly the same advice.

 

I agree. I am just questioning whether this is really the first impression we LS posters want to give new OW/OM posters of the OW/OM forum on LS:

 

... because anyone admitting to being an OW/OM gets flamed right away.

 

They get told that their relationship is a waste of time, that they are commiting sin (of course not everyone believes in the same God, or even any God, but that doesn't stop the sin card from being played.) They are told they are lying if they admit to feeling remorse for causing BS pain. They are beat up, dumped on and called everything short of a "wh*re".

[bentnotbroken]

True enough.

 

It is very obvious to me that your opinion of appropriate self control is pretty much the opposite of mine, Bent. Moral relativism once again.

 

 

Sure Jennie:rolleyes::lmao:

[donnamaybe]

OK, perhaps I should take you up on that. The result of this thread might then be that I change my mind on the appropriateness of me "welcoming" new BSs.

 

"Welcome" them all you want, but be careful as, depending on the tone of your posts, you may end up getting banned.

[bentnotbroken]

I am glad you find me funny. I find you tragic.

 

 

I see you the same way....it's nice to finally agree about something.

[jthorne]

Jthorne, I am so happy to see that you are proudly claiming your identity as a reformed OW. There is nothing like being proud of who you are! :bunny:

 

(I am not being sarcastic, in case anyone thinks so. I mean what I am saying.)

It never bothered me. Just shows that I have the capacity to make (what I perceive as) a mistake and learn from it. It just bothered me when anything I would say would be discounted because of who I am, but even that doesn't bother me anymore. It is what it is, yeah? Like I said, everybody has different viewpoints. My life doesn't change by what someone here decided to do with their life, and LS will be just fine long after I'm gone.

 

But back to the topic- I get what you are saying. But regardless of how anyone feels about OW's or Infidelity, I think what you are asking simply isn't practical on a public (non-moderated) forum.

[reboot]

They get told that their relationship is a waste of time, that they are commiting sin (of course not everyone believes in the same God, or even any God, but that doesn't stop the sin card from being played.) They are told they are lying if they admit to feeling remorse for causing BS pain. They are beat up, dumped on and called everything short of a "wh*re".

 

I agree. I am just questioning whether this is really the first impression we LS posters want to give new OW/OM posters of the OW/OM forum on LS:

 

Why yes, some BS treat OM/OW like crap here. And some OM/OW also treat BS like crap here.

 

But that's because they're the type of people that treat other people like crap.

 

It's their nature. It isn't because they're on one side and you're on the other. They'll always find some reason to treat someone else badly. And appealing to their logic or sensibilities is pretty much a waste of time and energy.