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Here I am again or closure?


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wheelwright

Haven't posted much recently, but a few things have happened...

 

Backstory: Me (MW) in total love with him (MM). His W had told me she had never loved him before I contemplated A. He definately felt total lack of nourishment in his M. I split with H after it started, went back for a bit when xMM had an A break out of family guilt and guilt at splitting my family. Then full on love A two way. He suggested to his W they split. She agreed, but then went back on it. So he stayed to work on M. Then huge DDAY.

 

I don't really have any doubt we fell in love big time and were willing to transform our lives, but the circumstances were obviously difficult - his teenage daughters begging them not to split is just one horror. My H begging me another.

 

H and I decided to split after 11 months trying, and his anger increased. I texted xMM to tell him I still loved him and my M was over. He texted back that the love was never in question and that he thinks about me every minute of every day. I felt maybe we could be together after this (perhaps foolishly).

 

Then he suggested I go to my friends for support, but didn't reply to text enquiring about his circumstances.

 

Then my H went round to confront him, hit him a few times, stuck up for me (I have been a bit of a wreck in the fall out) and told him he should talk to me - I never got any closure at all from xMM. In fact, this was very sweet of H, although I had begged him not to do it. And his anger has gone now, if not his hurt.

 

After this event, which xMM's W was witness to, I get an apology text requesting no more contact and stating he wanted to be with his W. This would amount to closure if I didn't feel his W is holding the reins here. It's the nearest I have got to closure, and I am beginning to feel the extremely beneficial effects of this.

 

So, am I to understand that his W (who says she doesn't love him) and xMM (who says he loves me still) are to stay together forever despite this (apparently minor) consideration?

 

And am I to stay with my H now he is more appealing after ditching the anger and in fact being sweet to the point that he understands I still love xMM, but feeling this is only a temporary impediment? Yes, we have kids. We have been together 19 years. Sex is fine if I can get xMM out of my head. But I know my heart is with xMM.

 

For the first time I feel like making his BS aware of the fact it was a love A and not just sex. In front of her he told my H that he hadn't loved me. Two weeks after his 'love' text to me. But I would never act on this impulse. It is up to him to decide whether to live truthfully or not.

 

What will happen to us all if we continue like this?

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bentnotbroken

You will stay on the this roller coaster because you are good with the ride. It appears MM and his BS have decided to remain married and that should be an answer...though it isn't one you want. He said in front of your H, that he didn't feel the same, but that isn't good for you. Look on the bright side, you know what you will be doing in the future...the same thing you are doing now.

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bentnotbroken

:DNot true. In all honesty, I can't say whether I like you or not...I don't know you in real life. But your actions speak of drama, of the need for the attention, good or bad. That isn't healthy for you or anyone else involved. Removing one's self from the middle of mess is not only self perserving, it is peace increasing.

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MorningCoffee

I feel for you. I do not believe we can ever truly understand what goes on in someone else's M. My A too was a full-blown love A, not just sex. At D-Day, my xAP told her H that she did love me, and wanted to be on her own. Nevertheless, she chose to do what H asked, stop seeing me (we just had a couple phone calls is all - LC), go to MC, and she has now stayed there for several months. So I have had to accept that she is not leaving, and I went total NC almost 4 weeks ago. Still really hard, but I have had to accept it for what it was -- -- a love A that is not going to go anywhere and exists now only in my past. I fear that may be what's in the offing for you, too.

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benotbroken

Is just giving her own advice in the way she sees it I think you are taking her wrong.Reread You need to get over this or else you will remain in your same situation.good luck

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If your heart is with xMM...why are you with H at all at this point?

 

Is your H aware that this is where your heart is still at? And still willing to wait on it to (perhaps) come back to him?

 

I'm not knocking your H...I did what he is doing, albeit for a VERY short (weeks, not months or years) time frame before I realized that it was going to get me nowhere.

 

Don't take me wrong...marriages can reconcile, and yours might be one that can. But from my perspective, if you're still feeling that your heart is with xMM, then you're not ready to try to rebuild anything with your H.

 

If you all continue in the same trend that you've been going in...you and your H are going to still end up divorced (because you never truly re-committed to the marriage), and WHO CARES what happens to xMM?????????

 

He's not supposed to be any part of your concern, any part of your life if you're in the process of rebuilding your marriage. Stop worrying about closure, about what's happening in his world...start working on focusing on yours, before you lose it forever.

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How much reading have you done about affairs? Have you noticed that all research points to the same things? Such as, as soon as you have an affair, you rewrite the history of your marriage so that your guilt doesn't consume you. You HAD to cheat; the marriage was THAT bad; you tried EVERYTHING; your spouse was an A$$; you were a victim. And the OM's family was just as bad. You two HAD to get together.

 

It's called a 'fog' for a reason. It clouds your judgment. It keeps you from seeing the truth: that you let your brain's rush of lust chemicals overpower your intelligence and let you believe that your FANTASY could overpower all the objections people would throw at you, because your newfound love was THAT STRONG, and the ONLY true thing you've ever known.

 

But it's your CHEMICALS talking. Not your brain. The very same chemicals we humans have had since caveman days, that get us to stay together long enough (2 to 3 years worth of chemicals; afterwhich they fade away) to procreate, to keep the species going. Of course, back then, 3 years was a lifetime. Nowadays it's just long enough to get you to destroy a marriage and your kids' lives, just so you can keep feeling the HIGH of your chemicals.

 

But guess what? They FADE AWAY. Say you divorce your husband, he divorces his wife, you ruin a bunch of kids' lives and they are stuck dealing with the trauma and all the associated childhood backlashing that's going to happen to them cos their parents divorced. Say you do that, and marry this guy.

 

Guess what's going to happen in about 5 years? You'll have spent about 5 years setting up a NEW ritual, a NEW rut, a NEW system of paying bills, making choices, cleaning up his mess, him ignoring you while a prettier, hotter chick comes along (or YOU finding a studlier guy, since you DO cheat), because the chemicals stopped flowing.

 

And then you're stuck with just another failed marriage, a bunch of miserable kids who if you're lucky don't get into drugs or worse and will likely be in therapy at some point because they blame themselves (as all kids do), and looking 5 years older, looking for ANOTHER guy to take you on, but you won't be as pretty, sexy, seductive, or baggage-free. And it'll be even tougher that time. If you're lucky, you'll find some guy willing to trust that you won't cheat on HIM, who'll marry you, and you'll decide to settle, cos...well, there's no one else.

 

All because you didn't think your husband was good enough for you.

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bittersweet memories
Haven't posted much recently, but a few things have happened...

 

Backstory: Me (MW) in total love with him (MM). His W had told me she had never loved him before I contemplated A. He definately felt total lack of nourishment in his M. I split with H after it started, went back for a bit when xMM had an A break out of family guilt and guilt at splitting my family. Then full on love A two way. He suggested to his W they split. She agreed, but then went back on it. So he stayed to work on M. Then huge DDAY.

 

I don't really have any doubt we fell in love big time and were willing to transform our lives, but the circumstances were obviously difficult - his teenage daughters begging them not to split is just one horror. My H begging me another.

 

H and I decided to split after 11 months trying, and his anger increased. I texted xMM to tell him I still loved him and my M was over. He texted back that the love was never in question and that he thinks about me every minute of every day. I felt maybe we could be together after this (perhaps foolishly).

 

Then he suggested I go to my friends for support, but didn't reply to text enquiring about his circumstances.

 

Then my H went round to confront him, hit him a few times, stuck up for me (I have been a bit of a wreck in the fall out) and told him he should talk to me - I never got any closure at all from xMM. In fact, this was very sweet of H, although I had begged him not to do it. And his anger has gone now, if not his hurt.

 

After this event, which xMM's W was witness to, I get an apology text requesting no more contact and stating he wanted to be with his W. This would amount to closure if I didn't feel his W is holding the reins here. It's the nearest I have got to closure, and I am beginning to feel the extremely beneficial effects of this.

 

So, am I to understand that his W (who says she doesn't love him) and xMM (who says he loves me still) are to stay together forever despite this (apparently minor) consideration?

 

And am I to stay with my H now he is more appealing after ditching the anger and in fact being sweet to the point that he understands I still love xMM, but feeling this is only a temporary impediment? Yes, we have kids. We have been together 19 years. Sex is fine if I can get xMM out of my head. But I know my heart is with xMM.

 

For the first time I feel like making his BS aware of the fact it was a love A and not just sex. In front of her he told my H that he hadn't loved me. Two weeks after his 'love' text to me. But I would never act on this impulse. It is up to him to decide whether to live truthfully or not.

 

What will happen to us all if we continue like this?

 

How clear can MM be ...sounds like he still wants to be with his wife and has no intentions or desire to leave her for you. ;)

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"His W is holding the reins here" .. That is the intention of marriage. The two within the marriage come first .. Even if an OW or OM happen along - and even claiming it was "love" .. still that person is the outsider ..

 

It is always easy to rationalize the circumstances of the marriage and whether or not the two (husband and wife) love each other - but as long as they stay in the marriage, then whether or not they are in love: that is Their problem.

 

So after your husband popped him, he didn't wish any further communication.. ha .. Just goes to show what a weasel you were dealing with ..

 

Get this small man out of your mind .. and choose the bigger one, if your husband wishes to make it work.

 

I wish you the Best..

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wheelwright
How much reading have you done about affairs? Have you noticed that all research points to the same things? Such as, as soon as you have an affair, you rewrite the history of your marriage so that your guilt doesn't consume you. You HAD to cheat; the marriage was THAT bad; you tried EVERYTHING; your spouse was an A$$; you were a victim. And the OM's family was just as bad. You two HAD to get together.

 

It's called a 'fog' for a reason. It clouds your judgment. It keeps you from seeing the truth: that you let your brain's rush of lust chemicals overpower your intelligence and let you believe that your FANTASY could overpower all the objections people would throw at you, because your newfound love was THAT STRONG, and the ONLY true thing you've ever known.

 

QUOTE]

 

I don't believe in fog at all. I believe it is a term/way of making sense for people who fell in love that allows them to vindicate their choice to not follow up on love in the face of huge upheaval.

 

I used to be frightened by this idea that it was all fog for him. No longer. In my earliest posts I said it was love and there was no mistaking it. I believe that totally now, which helps me out of the dissonance.

 

The replies so far have condemned me and my love, but not answered my questions in any true way.

 

They have said he is staying get over it. But I asked something deeper.

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Snowflower
.

 

 

 

So, am I to understand that his W (who says she doesn't love him) and xMM (who says he loves me still) are to stay together forever despite this (apparently minor) consideration?

 

 

 

For the first time I feel like making his BS aware of the fact it was a love A and not just sex. In front of her he told my H that he hadn't loved me. Two weeks after his 'love' text to me. But I would never act on this impulse. It is up to him to decide whether to live truthfully or not.

 

[

 

 

The replies so far have condemned me and my love, but not answered my questions in any true way.

 

They have said he is staying get over it. But I asked something deeper.

 

Oh Wheelwright...I know you and I have talked about this before!

 

I know you love your MM...but look at what he is doing...he denied loving you in front of his wife and your husband when confronted. If there was ever a time for your MM to claim what he felt for you, that was the time.

 

Doesn't this bother you that he didn't do this?

 

And if you tell his wife that the A was about love (not sex), what type of difference are you hoping for?

 

I'm so sorry for your pain, I really and truly am.

 

Are you and your H divorcing? It sounded like you were in your OP, but then I couldn't tell.

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Fallen Angel
How much reading have you done about affairs? Have you noticed that all research points to the same things? Such as, as soon as you have an affair, you rewrite the history of your marriage so that your guilt doesn't consume you. You HAD to cheat; the marriage was THAT bad; you tried EVERYTHING; your spouse was an A$$; you were a victim. And the OM's family was just as bad. You two HAD to get together.

 

Don't believe everything you read. While that may be true of some people it is far from true for others. Not everyone re-writes history, in fact I would say that more do not than those that do.

It's called a 'fog' for a reason. It clouds your judgment. It keeps you from seeing the truth: that you let your brain's rush of lust chemicals overpower your intelligence and let you believe that your FANTASY could overpower all the objections people would throw at you, because your newfound love was THAT STRONG, and the ONLY true thing you've ever known.

 

But it's your CHEMICALS talking. Not your brain. The very same chemicals we humans have had since caveman days, that get us to stay together long enough (2 to 3 years worth of chemicals; afterwhich they fade away) to procreate, to keep the species going. Of course, back then, 3 years was a lifetime. Nowadays it's just long enough to get you to destroy a marriage and your kids' lives, just so you can keep feeling the HIGH of your chemicals.

 

But guess what? They FADE AWAY. Say you divorce your husband, he divorces his wife, you ruin a bunch of kids' lives and they are stuck dealing with the trauma and all the associated childhood backlashing that's going to happen to them cos their parents divorced. Say you do that, and marry this guy.

 

Guess what's going to happen in about 5 years? You'll have spent about 5 years setting up a NEW ritual, a NEW rut, a NEW system of paying bills, making choices, cleaning up his mess, him ignoring you while a prettier, hotter chick comes along (or YOU finding a studlier guy, since you DO cheat), because the chemicals stopped flowing.

 

Ya know, I read this kind of BS all the time here on LS. All this "fog" crap. Oddly enough when confronted with all of the relationships that have maintained that continued level of passion and intimacy beyond this magic "chemical induced fog" that expires in precisely two years, the "chemical fog" banner wavers have no real answers as to why the chemical fog failed to wear off. (Oh, they will say it is because an affair is not a full time relationship, but I assure you that my relationship with my sweetheart is equally as "full time" as his maritial relationship in the amount of time spent together. And we do not have some whirlwind hidden meeting love affair. We have a working too many hours, need to go to the grocery store, the kids need new shoes, and the little one is running a fever kind of relationship in which he is a partner with me.)

 

And then you're stuck with just another failed marriage, a bunch of miserable kids who if you're lucky don't get into drugs or worse and will likely be in therapy at some point because they blame themselves (as all kids do), and looking 5 years older, looking for ANOTHER guy to take you on, but you won't be as pretty, sexy, seductive, or baggage-free. And it'll be even tougher that time. If you're lucky, you'll find some guy willing to trust that you won't cheat on HIM, who'll marry you, and you'll decide to settle, cos...well, there's no one else.

 

Don't believe that "Once a cheater, always a cheater" crap either. Sometimes that is the case. There are serial cheaters out there, but I would hazard a guess that they are much fewer in number than is often suggested here at LS.

In fact considering that the majority of people here at LS that post are in or are recovering from what was for them a first affair, i would suggest that the true serial cheat is a creature that is much more rare than the "one affair per lifetime" cheater.

All because you didn't think your husband was good enough for you.

 

I do not think I ever saw WW say any such thing.:confused:

 

My response in bold.

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I don't believe in fog at all. I believe it is a term/way of making sense for people who fell in love that allows them to vindicate their choice to not follow up on love in the face of huge upheaval.

 

I used to be frightened by this idea that it was all fog for him. No longer. In my earliest posts I said it was love and there was no mistaking it. I believe that totally now, which helps me out of the dissonance.

 

The replies so far have condemned me and my love, but not answered my questions in any true way.

 

They have said he is staying get over it. But I asked something deeper.

Of course you don't believe in it. If you did, you would have to admit to yourself, your husband, your children, your parents, your God, that you have done something WRONG.

 

fwiw, we ARE answering you. We are telling you that choosing the OM is a dead end. We are trying to save you everlasting pain. But you aren't listening.

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So, am I to understand that his W (who says she doesn't love him) and xMM (who says he loves me still) are to stay together forever despite this (apparently minor) consideration?

 

And am I to stay with my H now he is more appealing after ditching the anger and in fact being sweet to the point that he understands I still love xMM, but feeling this is only a temporary impediment?

 

What will happen to us all if we continue like this?

 

-----------------------

 

I think you should remain by yourself until your head clears.. Maybe it shouldn't be an either/or situation.

 

I have no idea what will happen to all if this continues .. But the prize you are seeking and waiting for - may not be that much of a prize.

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Fallen Angel
What will happen to us all if we continue like this?

 

If people who do not love each other continue to live in a marriage together they will in time not only no longer love each other but will eventually not like each other, and in time they will resent each other and everyone will be miserable and lonely and angry. But hey; two families will still be "intact" so I guess it is all worth it, right? :confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:

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Fallen Angel, do some more research. The chemical issue is documented physiology. And it is NOT just for affairs. It is for ALL people in ALL relationships, legitimate or not. It is a biological response that the human body creates, so that people seek each other out.

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Fallen Angel
Fallen Angel, do some more research. The chemical issue is documented physiology. And it is NOT just for affairs. It is for ALL people in ALL relationships, legitimate or not. It is a biological response that the human body creates, so that people seek each other out.

 

Yes, i understand the biological responses to a "new romance" but I do not believe it has some magical cut off date, and no "research" can prove to me that it does when I am living proof to the contrary. ;)

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Your xMM sent you a NC text. So you say it was because of the W. But the W does not have him under her thumb 24/7. If he was faking it for the W, he would have contacted you by now. Regardless of whether he loves you and is miserable without you, he's made his choice.

 

Knowing that and the fact that he didn't man up during the confrontation tells me he's not leaving his W anytime soon, if at all. If I were you, I'd accept that as closure and move on.

 

If you are only staying with your H because you can't have MM, I don't think that's fair to him. What happens if in 10 years from now, MM wants to start anew again are you going to dump your H like yesterday's news? If H is the backup plan, that's simply not fair- to either of you.

Edited by jthorne
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GreenEyedLady
Then he suggested I go to my friends for support, but didn't reply to text enquiring about his circumstances.

 

He's telling you he's done.

 

I get an apology text requesting no more contact and stating he wanted to be with his W.

 

He is telling you he wants no contact.

 

 

So, am I to understand that his W (who says she doesn't love him) and xMM (who says he loves me still) are to stay together forever despite this (apparently minor) consideration?

 

Isn't that you are thinking of doing with your H?

 

And am I to stay with my H now he is more appealing after ditching the anger and in fact being sweet to the point that he understands I still love xMM, but feeling this is only a temporary impediment?

 

What you do with your life is your choice. I wouldn't bet on your H sticking around for much longer. This situation is surrounded by extreme drama.

 

For the first time I feel like making his BS aware of the fact it was a love A and not just sex. In front of her he told my H that he hadn't loved me.

 

Why is it that you believe all the stuff he told you about his W, but not what he tells you to your face? If he loved you, he would have told you. But he downplayed all his feelings for you in front of both your spouses and essentially threw you under the bus.

 

What will happen to us all if we continue like this?

 

What will happen? Your H will leave you and you will be alone. You XMM is not going to hook up with you anymore. He wanted to fly under the radar and the radar is shot to ****. He didn't want to D his W or he would. Now he's trying to get back in her good graces and has told you several times he wants NO CONTACT. He wants NC because he is choosing to stay with his W.

 

And now you want to tell his W it wasn't just sex. I bet she'll believe you as much as you believe him. Please don't embarrass yourself further by interjecting yourself further into this drama. They've asked for NC so RESPECT IT!

 

I know you want to feel like you didn't throw your M away for nothing. But you're not going to get vindication from telling your XMM's W. She won't believe you because she believes that you are a liar and cheater, too.

 

Have some class and let this drama go. Heal yourself so you can make healthy decisions for you and your children. You are focusing too much on XMM and his life, than on your own family. Your children are the PRIORITY here. And what has been modeled for them is unhealthy behavior. Realize it before it's too late and irreparable damage is done.

 

I wish you peace and love. Let go here.

 

GEL

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wheelwright
Regardless of whether he loves you and is miserable without you, he's made his choice.

 

Knowing that and the fact that he didn't man up during the confrontation tells me he's not leaving his W anytime soon, if at all. If I were you, I'd accept that as closure and move on.

 

If you are only staying with your H because you can't have MM, I don't think that's fair to him. What happens if in 10 years from now, MM wants to start anew again are you going to dump your H like yesterday's news? If H is the backup plan, that's simply not fair- to either of you.

 

I agree with all this. 100%.

 

Thank you for spelling it all out. This was the post I needed because it said what I knew already.

 

And for the A fog lobby group -Ok it may happen like that. I've thought I was in love when I wasn't. But the real thing is unmistakable. Please give me some credit.

 

Some As are about love, some about issues. And no-one who falls in love is dealing wholly with issues - they are dealing with transformation and a kind of pain if the love is thwarted that is unimaginable for those who have lost a 'fog'.

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Myowntwofeet

Really the wrong time for me to come here and read.

 

I am so tired of hearing all the crap. You know what will happen - the so called "fog"..... will lighten ( funny, we don't call it fog when we break up with someone we love:rolleyes:) and you will play your part and continue the cycle if you stay in your marriage.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but I read here often, and 5 months full NC from my married man, who also did the honorable thing and went to MC to work it out, not sure how that is going for them, but I know this. He loved me.

 

Over and over you will have the same people post the same crap, pardon my french....

 

See, you can call it fog ( makes it sound silly and easy to get over or you can love). I dated someone for 6 years, he was single, I loved him, I left because of other issues, choices. I missed him for a long time, wondered if I did the right thing.... and you know what - That did pass, it is called time, and whether you love him with all your heart or not, it will get better. The funny part is when it does, then the people come back and say " oh, it was fog:rolleyes:".... NO, it was time....

 

Sorry, but what will happen.

 

His daughters will learn that you settle, chances are very good they will have a dysfunctional relationship either with a cheater or someone who also " settles" because the picture looks good. That "being moral" means committing to something that isn't truly fulfilling for either party.

 

The respected parties ( MM's Wife and your Husband) will go with the flow... they will make huge assumptions that you both stayed because you loved them more, it was more "right" but honestly, they will never have full confidence, let's face reality for a second. BS years after still looking for answers, still spinning their wheels looking for forgiveness ( and I am not talking about the 2% that really reconcile)... returning time and time again to MC for "tuneups" or whatever you call it.

 

And before the champions come out... don't bother... time and time again we see it, OW still pining years later ... WS seldom ever speak here so no real knowledge and let's face it; they ain't gonna say they still miss/love their AP if they are with their Spouse. BS say they are over it, and stronger and yada yada.....and will say it's "better" but are here talking about it, researching it, obsessing over it.... that isn't "over it"....

 

And I am sure there are many that no longer post... but on average more come back to "update" saying they eventually separated.

 

How many years will people spend spinning their wheels????? What are you teaching your children in the process ( please don't say honor and work)... Regular marriages take work, life takes work/commitment, there is also something to be said about living honestly, teaching our children that at times what we knew at 25 is not what we know at 50 and we can move on without ripping apart families.... it is all about how it is handled.

 

But I will say this.... in my very crappy mood today - one is not better than the other.

 

If you are staying as the BS/WS/OW in a relationship and it's because " its ok most of the time, you are no better than the MM or MW that you are angry with for doing the same.

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fooled once
Haven't posted much recently, but a few things have happened...

 

Backstory: Me (MW) in total love with him (MM). His W had told me she had never loved him before I contemplated A. He definately felt total lack of nourishment in his M. I split with H after it started, went back for a bit when xMM had an A break out of family guilt and guilt at splitting my family. Then full on love A two way. He suggested to his W they split. She agreed, but then went back on it. So he stayed to work on M. Then huge DDAY.

 

I don't really have any doubt we fell in love big time and were willing to transform our lives, but the circumstances were obviously difficult - his teenage daughters begging them not to split is just one horror. My H begging me another.

 

H and I decided to split after 11 months trying, and his anger increased. I texted xMM to tell him I still loved him and my M was over. He texted back that the love was never in question and that he thinks about me every minute of every day. I felt maybe we could be together after this (perhaps foolishly).

 

Then he suggested I go to my friends for support, but didn't reply to text enquiring about his circumstances.

 

Then my H went round to confront him, hit him a few times, stuck up for me (I have been a bit of a wreck in the fall out) and told him he should talk to me - I never got any closure at all from xMM. In fact, this was very sweet of H, although I had begged him not to do it. And his anger has gone now, if not his hurt.

 

After this event, which xMM's W was witness to, I get an apology text requesting no more contact and stating he wanted to be with his W. This would amount to closure if I didn't feel his W is holding the reins here. It's the nearest I have got to closure, and I am beginning to feel the extremely beneficial effects of this.

 

So, am I to understand that his W (who says she doesn't love him) and xMM (who says he loves me still) are to stay together forever despite this (apparently minor) consideration?

 

And am I to stay with my H now he is more appealing after ditching the anger and in fact being sweet to the point that he understands I still love xMM, but feeling this is only a temporary impediment? Yes, we have kids. We have been together 19 years. Sex is fine if I can get xMM out of my head. But I know my heart is with xMM.

 

For the first time I feel like making his BS aware of the fact it was a love A and not just sex. In front of her he told my H that he hadn't loved me. Two weeks after his 'love' text to me. But I would never act on this impulse. It is up to him to decide whether to live truthfully or not.

 

What will happen to us all if we continue like this?

 

What will happen? Who knows *shrug* You will more than likely continue this drama and rollercoaster. Like others have said, he has denied you, minimized you and rejected you. Why would you consider that he secretly loves you when he has had more than ample time to state otherwise?

 

You love him. I get that. But love isn't enough sometimes. He has made a choice - and it isn't you.

 

You can say his wife holds the reigns, but that doesn't mean it is the truth. It may be what YOU need to believe so that you can go on loving this man. But .... he is with his wife.

 

Your H doesn't deserve the disrespect you are showing him. You are basically making him 2nd choice - and does he really realize HOW LITTLE he means to you? Does he know that if the MM said "Hey - let's go" to you, that you would be gone so fast? Is that fair to your H? Would you want him to stay with you out of pity?

 

What will happen? Your H will leave you and you will be alone. You XMM is not going to hook up with you anymore. He wanted to fly under the radar and the radar is shot to ****. He didn't want to D his W or he would. Now he's trying to get back in her good graces and has told you several times he wants NO CONTACT. He wants NC because he is choosing to stay with his W.

 

And now you want to tell his W it wasn't just sex. I bet she'll believe you as much as you believe him. Please don't embarrass yourself further by interjecting yourself further into this drama. They've asked for NC so RESPECT IT!

 

I know you want to feel like you didn't throw your M away for nothing. But you're not going to get vindication from telling your XMM's W. She won't believe you because she believes that you are a liar and cheater, too.

 

Have some class and let this drama go. Heal yourself so you can make healthy decisions for you and your children. You are focusing too much on XMM and his life, than on your own family. Your children are the PRIORITY here. And what has been modeled for them is unhealthy behavior. Realize it before it's too late and irreparable damage is done.

 

I wish you peace and love. Let go here.

 

GEL

 

Ditto GEL, especially what I bolded.

 

But I have a feeling you are going to be in this same place in 6 months, because you won't let it go, you won't accept his choice and you want to believe it was more than it was. I am not saying he didn't love you; what I am saying is he loves his wife/family -- that life --- more than he loves you. His ACTIONS and his words tell you that. Time for you to believe him.

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crazycatlady

WW - I don't think we can ever understand why people do things....I don't know if he lied to you, if he is guilted into staying, if he's begging her, or what. But really, none of that matters. Not really. What matters is this....Are you happy? Is hanging onto this MM giving you more enjoyment then pain? I can't see how you could possibly answer yes to that with what you have said. And why why why stay if the pain is greater?

 

I think this is part of the problem with your M. You can't let MM go, though if you could you might could recharge your M. But you haven't greived for your xMM yet. You are still hoping he comes back. Until you accept he isn't coming back, or better yet decide you don't want the wishywashy weenie back, you can't grieve. And if you don't grieve, you can't move on. You must let go and grieve.

 

I can understand (might not approve but its not for me to approve or not approve) staying in an Affair if the happiness it brings is greater then the pain. But I do not and can not understand staying in a relationship that brings more pain then happiness. Life is too short to be unhappy. Life is too short to pine away for what you can't have for whatever reason.

 

WW I hope for the best for you. Reach for happiness, not pain. And xMM is nothing but pain. He either wants his W, or is too weak to stand up for what he truly wants, in which case do you really want him anyway?

 

CCL

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pureinheart
Haven't posted much recently, but a few things have happened...

 

Backstory: Me (MW) in total love with him (MM). His W had told me she had never loved him before I contemplated A. He definately felt total lack of nourishment in his M. I split with H after it started, went back for a bit when xMM had an A break out of family guilt and guilt at splitting my family. Then full on love A two way. He suggested to his W they split. She agreed, but then went back on it. So he stayed to work on M. Then huge DDAY.

 

I don't really have any doubt we fell in love big time and were willing to transform our lives, but the circumstances were obviously difficult - his teenage daughters begging them not to split is just one horror. My H begging me another.

 

H and I decided to split after 11 months trying, and his anger increased. I texted xMM to tell him I still loved him and my M was over. He texted back that the love was never in question and that he thinks about me every minute of every day. I felt maybe we could be together after this (perhaps foolishly).

 

Then he suggested I go to my friends for support, but didn't reply to text enquiring about his circumstances.

 

Then my H went round to confront him, hit him a few times, stuck up for me (I have been a bit of a wreck in the fall out) and told him he should talk to me - I never got any closure at all from xMM. In fact, this was very sweet of H, although I had begged him not to do it. And his anger has gone now, if not his hurt.

 

After this event, which xMM's W was witness to, I get an apology text requesting no more contact and stating he wanted to be with his W. This would amount to closure if I didn't feel his W is holding the reins here. It's the nearest I have got to closure, and I am beginning to feel the extremely beneficial effects of this.

 

So, am I to understand that his W (who says she doesn't love him) and xMM (who says he loves me still) are to stay together forever despite this (apparently minor) consideration?

 

And am I to stay with my H now he is more appealing after ditching the anger and in fact being sweet to the point that he understands I still love xMM, but feeling this is only a temporary impediment? Yes, we have kids. We have been together 19 years. Sex is fine if I can get xMM out of my head. But I know my heart is with xMM.

 

For the first time I feel like making his BS aware of the fact it was a love A and not just sex. In front of her he told my H that he hadn't loved me. Two weeks after his 'love' text to me. But I would never act on this impulse. It is up to him to decide whether to live truthfully or not.

 

What will happen to us all if we continue like this?

 

WOW...needless to say you've been through a lot...this is really one of those de sha vue instances...I feel like I have said that you've been through a lot before ...

 

This next paragragh is not a de sha vue experience though...what is in bold...man WW, this is loyalty...it reminds me of my daughters father, he was like that. Matters of the heart really suck, don't they...

 

I am so glad you aren't going to tell his W that the A was more...oh I know how tempting it is especially after all you've gone through. That is why your H jacked him, he saw what an ass he was...men know men, that is for sure.

 

Hey WW....Great big hugs ((((((((((((()))))))))))

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