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So in love. So angry. So unfair.


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NeverGonnaSettle

Greetings all. I’m new here.

 

I don’t know how to keep this short, but I need some perspective.

 

I’m a male with a female friend I’ve known through work who is wonderful, intelligent, *upbeat*, and a tremendously endearing young woman with a wonderful heart, who shares countless artistic, social and personal passions of mine.

 

And yet she’s failing something critical.

 

She has a boyfriend nobody likes because we all think he’s socially/emotionally immature and manipulative towards her. Worse, I’ve been “in love” with her for over a year… and even discussed it with her on several occasions. She admitted it was mutual, but she couldn’t muster the somethingsomething to leave him. I dunno if it’s co-dependence or some other psychological issue… but there were several explicit discussions of how things *could* be … but I always insisted it is not to be “til you are clear and free.”

 

She came close to breaking up with him 6+ mos ago… and then re-negged.

She ultimately couldn’t do it.

 

Then something happened recently. A month ago, her boyfriend was out of the country for a couple of months for a work project and she was looking for more and more opportunities for us to hang out. Oddly, she requested to sleep on my couch multiple times as her home is an hour outside of town, where she works. I said no… until I didn’t. Holding her before dropping her off one night after dinner, we finally got physical.

 

It was wrong, I felt wrong… but wonderful… and we both felt in love and said so. But not to make this into a stereotype or a cartoon, because every situation has it’s nuances… the bottom line is that 3 weeks since his return to the states, she’s complained to me that she’s “trying to break up with him” meanwhile, she’s come over to my house twice-per-week to sleep with me. (I won’t actually complete The Deed with her til she’s done with him, I’ve insisted… though we’ve done other deeds.

 

And I am “trying” to be patient. And understanding. And supportive. As a matter of fact, she referred to him as her Ex the other night, and later whispered Those Three Words in my ear.

 

So while she has fallen in love with me, marvelling at how easily our close friendship has transitioned smoothly into a romance of fun and respect… and she expressly, routinely recognizes how much exceedingly better her future would be with me, than with him, and she dreams of the two of us married some day… she doesn’t want to *confirm* him as her “ex” just yet.

 

I defined it for her: physical intimacy with him is finished. Forever. Where she says she cares about him and needs time to “get closure,” I’ve said I don’t care about their emotional intimacy as it’s not a threat. But she has to make the responsible decision and let him know she’s found someone else.

 

So. If they’re still “intimate” it must mean she hasn’t told him she’s sleeping with someone else because I’m sure he’d freak the f*** out as I’m starting to do.

 

On the one hand, I feel like she’s the woman I was meant to be with. So many things in common intellectually and emotionally, hobbies and humor --- all the things I’ve never gotten in one package. Looks. Brains. Attitude. Everything. Nonetheless, I’m starting to lose respect for her by this point, as I look at myself like “the other man/woman” waiting outside of someone else’s marriage.

 

She’s been with him 2 years and insists this is the deepest, longest relationship she’s ever been in and needs time to disassemble it… but she offers me no plan. No timeline. No contingencies. Just “soon,” though she expects to join me at my parents for Fathers’ Day, mid-June. It’s now early May.

 

Because her “current” guy constantly puts her on the defensive and has taught her that relationships involve a lot of emotional manipulation and chaos, I’ve truly avoided big blow-out arguments with her because it’s not a circuit I’ve wanted to activate.

 

Til a few days ago.

She’s not taking responsibility for my feelings – which may be an unfair demand perhaps, and I know she’s already “overwhelmed” by the current mission, but without cursing her out, the last time I spoke to her I essentially told her to grow the f### up already: do what is required to move her life forward. Tell him, deal with the carnage, and let’s move on!

 

I also told her she can’t sleep at my house anymore and I’m not going to be physically intimate with her in any way until she chooses one man. (She adores my kisses… and just about everything I do, actually…. But I hate feeling like I am merely a “vacation/respite” from a life she doesn’t enjoy.)

 

I don’t know what is the appropriate behavior on my part anymore. Being “in love” with someone at the same time I feel I’m being taken advantage of, pushes all the wrong primordial buttons for me. Truly, it causes me so much anger and anxiety, I don’t know how to constructively channel that energy into something other than *intense* resentment of her.

 

I feel like if she were mature and responsible here, all she has do – painful as it is – is to say four words to him: “I’m cheating on you.” I’m sure he’ll take care of the rest of the conversation. In fact, from that point of view, b) that may be all I’m waiting for.

 

Arguing for the “be patient” option: though we work for separate companies, work collaborate often, and she needs me professionally. Therefore, I should be able to simply wait at the bottom of the cliff til she jumps or he pushes her off… or am I sitting at the edge of the river, and ultimately, she’s going to float by because I’m the next guy in line and with a secret like this within her, this can’t go on forever.

 

Or can it? The fact is, the waiting makes it seem like forever. And considering the energy that this builds in me, I have tremendous difficulty simply sitting still. And waiting. Am I not following my own suggestion? That is, should I be forcing myself into better disciplined behavior, acting like a grown adult, and allowing for some discomfort for a while? Nonetheless, sitting here with no control, I almost start to hate her.

 

I don’t know how to play this game of emotional “chicken”, if I were to withdraw my friendship or affection. I would only fall in love with her again and again unless I completely withdraw from her (difficult, professionally) or allow a HUGE resentment to undermine our personal/professional relationships.

 

While I may not have offered enough detail to paint it all accurately, I hope you may have some insight or advice as to how to “play this out” because I’m angry, disappointed, hurt… and wondering how much to allow her indecisiveness to drag down my opinion of her and what *could* be an amazing, powerful, loving marriage some day. (Yeah, unless I should take this to mean she's capable of cheating on me some day.)

 

So, am I playing out a bad pulp novel / reality show? She’s really wonderful with me when we’re together; she's caring and fun and.. flattering? … My heart explodes when she walks in a room. Every moment I’m with her, there is no one else in the universe; nowhere I’d rather be.

 

I know that were our relationship to mature, this “infatuation phase” can’t last… but it’s where I’m at. Blindly in love. At 36yo. Waiting for the girl of my dreams to lift me out of a volcano.

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hopesndreams

Waiting for the girl of my dreams to lift me out of a volcano.

 

The girl of your dreams is a cheater. She cheats with you, she'll cheat on you.

 

She's having a blast having both of you. Why change it?

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Your name is ironic as you have already settled. But you can salvage it. Let her go. Tell her that until she has made a decision and found the "closure" she needs, she cant see you outside of work.

 

There are alot of red flags here. Either she is really messed up or she is playing you.

 

Greetings all. I’m new here.

 

 

She has a boyfriend nobody likes because we all think he’s socially/emotionally immature and manipulative towards her. Worse, I’ve been “in love” with her for over a year… and even discussed it with her on several occasions. She admitted it was mutual, but she couldn’t muster the somethingsomething to leave him. I dunno if it’s co-dependence or some other psychological issue… but there were several explicit discussions of how things *could* be … but I always insisted it is not to be “til you are clear and free.”

 

She came close to breaking up with him 6+ mos ago… and then re-negged.

She ultimately couldn’t do it.

 

Hes a boyfriend not a husband. If she is telling the truth, that it is mutual why hasnt she acted? Either messed up or not truthful.

 

You are suffering from KISAS (knight in shining armor syndrome) saving her from a bf she doesnt want to leave... or isnt ready to leave

 

It was wrong, I felt wrong… but wonderful… and we both felt in love and said so. But not to make this into a stereotype or a cartoon, because every situation has it’s nuances… the bottom line is that 3 weeks since his return to the states, she’s complained to me that she’s “trying to break up with him” meanwhile, she’s come over to my house twice-per-week to sleep with me. (I won’t actually complete The Deed with her til she’s done with him, I’ve insisted… though we’ve done other deeds.

 

Who is she Monica Lewinsky? Please... shes still cheating on him. And you are going along with it.

 

And I am “trying” to be patient. And understanding. And supportive. As a matter of fact, she referred to him as her Ex the other night, and later whispered Those Three Words in my ear.

 

Yes she has said those 3 words but cant break up with a bf? ???

They arent married what is the problem

 

So while she has fallen in love with me, marvelling at how easily our close friendship has transitioned smoothly into a romance of fun and respect… and she expressly, routinely recognizes how much exceedingly better her future would be with me, than with him, and she dreams of the two of us married some day… she doesn’t want to *confirm* him as her “ex” just yet.

 

Again either she is playing you or she is messed up. Run dont walk

 

I defined it for her: physical intimacy with him is finished. Forever. Where she says she cares about him and needs time to “get closure,” I’ve said I don’t care about their emotional intimacy as it’s not a threat. But she has to make the responsible decision and let him know she’s found someone else.

 

So. If they’re still “intimate” it must mean she hasn’t told him she’s sleeping with someone else because I’m sure he’d freak the f*** out as I’m starting to do.

 

You needed to explain this to her?

 

On the one hand, I feel like she’s the woman I was meant to be with. So many things in common intellectually and emotionally, hobbies and humor --- all the things I’ve never gotten in one package. Looks. Brains. Attitude. Everything. Nonetheless, I’m starting to lose respect for her by this point, as I look at myself like “the other man/woman” waiting outside of someone else’s marriage.

 

You are losing self respect as well - you are sharing her with another man

 

She’s been with him 2 years and insists this is the deepest, longest relationship she’s ever been in and needs time to disassemble it… but she offers me no plan. No timeline. No contingencies. Just “soon,” though she expects to join me at my parents for Fathers’ Day, mid-June. It’s now early May.

 

Because her “current” guy constantly puts her on the defensive and has taught her that relationships involve a lot of emotional manipulation and chaos, I’ve truly avoided big blow-out arguments with her because it’s not a circuit I’ve wanted to activate.

 

Til a few days ago.

She’s not taking responsibility for my feelings – which may be an unfair demand perhaps, and I know she’s already “overwhelmed” by the current mission, but without cursing her out, the last time I spoke to her I essentially told her to grow the f### up already: do what is required to move her life forward. Tell him, deal with the carnage, and let’s move on!

 

I also told her she can’t sleep at my house anymore and I’m not going to be physically intimate with her in any way until she chooses one man. (She adores my kisses… and just about everything I do, actually…. But I hate feeling like I am merely a “vacation/respite” from a life she doesn’t enjoy.)

 

I don’t know what is the appropriate behavior on my part anymore. Being “in love” with someone at the same time I feel I’m being taken advantage of, pushes all the wrong primordial buttons for me. Truly, it causes me so much anger and anxiety, I don’t know how to constructively channel that energy into something other than *intense* resentment of her.

 

I feel like if she were mature and responsible here, all she has do – painful as it is – is to say four words to him: “I’m cheating on you.” I’m sure he’ll take care of the rest of the conversation. In fact, from that point of view, b) that may be all I’m waiting for.

 

Arguing for the “be patient” option: though we work for separate companies, work collaborate often, and she needs me professionally. Therefore, I should be able to simply wait at the bottom of the cliff til she jumps or he pushes her off… or am I sitting at the edge of the river, and ultimately, she’s going to float by because I’m the next guy in line and with a secret like this within her, this can’t go on forever.

 

Or can it? The fact is, the waiting makes it seem like forever. And considering the energy that this builds in me, I have tremendous difficulty simply sitting still. And waiting. Am I not following my own suggestion? That is, should I be forcing myself into better disciplined behavior, acting like a grown adult, and allowing for some discomfort for a while? Nonetheless, sitting here with no control, I almost start to hate her.

 

I don’t know how to play this game of emotional “chicken”, if I were to withdraw my friendship or affection. I would only fall in love with her again and again unless I completely withdraw from her (difficult, professionally) or allow a HUGE resentment to undermine our personal/professional relationships.

 

While I may not have offered enough detail to paint it all accurately, I hope you may have some insight or advice as to how to “play this out” because I’m angry, disappointed, hurt… and wondering how much to allow her indecisiveness to drag down my opinion of her and what *could* be an amazing, powerful, loving marriage some day. (Yeah, unless I should take this to mean she's capable of cheating on me some day.)

 

So, am I playing out a bad pulp novel / reality show? She’s really wonderful with me when we’re together; she's caring and fun and.. flattering? … My heart explodes when she walks in a room. Every moment I’m with her, there is no one else in the universe; nowhere I’d rather be.

 

I know that were our relationship to mature, this “infatuation phase” can’t last… but it’s where I’m at. Blindly in love. At 36yo. Waiting for the girl of my dreams to lift me out of a volcano.

 

 

Cut her loose - get your ego out of the way and stop the KISAS - shes got no reason not to dump this guy and she hasnt. Welcome to the world of the drama queen. This is your life. If you want to live it with someone who spins you along while she has another bf go ahead but I can almost guarantee you she is NOT the woman you are going to spend your life with - unless you want a life chock full of drama.

 

Sorry to have come to this conclusion I know its not what you want to hear.

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hopesndreams

You are suffering from KISAS (knight in shining armor syndrome) saving her from a bf she doesnt want to leave... or isnt ready to leave

 

You nailed it jj. Great post.

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Thanks I wish it werent so... but its v common with the men and I am sure the men think the women suffer from a female version :)

 

But there is something really messed up here. Its a boyfriend not a husband. Its just not that complicated unless SHE is that complicated in which case watch out....

 

NGS you should read the threads posted by Stamp Daddy. He hung in there for YEARS trying to save a woman from her awful husband only to get his heart handed to him time and again. Its a long sad road. One you dont want to follow.

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MorningCoffee

Drama!!

 

Look how she timed the whispered Three Little Words.

 

Sounds to me like this woman will ratchet it up ever so slightly just to keep you on the hook, for her comfort.

 

My thought: quit before you're shattered. If not, that is what will end up being your lot, sad to say.

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whichwayisup
She’s not taking responsibility for my feelings

 

How can she do that when she isn't capable of taking responsibility for her own? Yes, you don't put that expectation on anyone. YOU are responsible for your own feelings and emotions, not her.

 

You chose this and allowed it to happen, knowing full well it's wrong, you felt it was wrong, and still let something go on. Now, you're more attached and she's messed up. She isn't ready to end it with her boyfriend. Whatever her reasons are, it ain't gonna happen. She loves him, enough to still stay with him.

 

It's up to you to take charge of your own life. Either end it completey and tell her to call you when she's free and single, or stick around, be the OM, get hurt and be second fiddle.

 

She cannot promise you (if she does, she's lying to you) she won't have sex with her boyfriend.

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pureinheart

IMO everyone on this earth has either played games at one point in time or is...so "games" in themselves aren't a real big deal UNLESS the level of games or the consistancy of the games are a way of life.

 

I have known people who games and manipulations are a way of life, they are personality traits and it sounds like this lady you are dealing with operates this way.

 

If you choose to stay in this situation, you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain and heartache...been there, done that...

 

BTW welcome and no matter what you do please keep posting...Good luck...

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[quote=

 

The girl of your dreams is a cheater. She cheats with you, she'll cheat on you.

 

She's having a blast having both of you. Why change it?

 

--------------------------

 

These simple two sentences (above) seem to speak for all people in so-called committed relationships who drift outside to others.

 

The only thing that prolongs or possibly changes the game plan - is the willingness for the one outside of the relationship, to continue to hang on for whatever period of time..

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NeverGonnaSettle

Wow, so many great responses, so quickly!

 

Thank you everyone! (KISAS ... pronounced... uh, yeah.)

 

If I may... What if she is simply afraid to leave him?

Her best friend has considered getting her family/police involved before because she really feels my girl's bf/ex(?) is a piece s***. I don't know specifically why, other than he's very emotionally manipulative.

 

Is it worth me dropping the best friend a line to say:

 

"Do you know what's going on lately?"

"Do you know how your dear bff is f***ing up our lives, the future she says she wants, and plenty of career drama? For what?

 

--- which would all lead up to posing the essential question:

"Is she afraid to leave or am I just wasting my time?"

 

Granted, while she hates the current beau, and approved of me at some point, I don't necessarily think she's going to confide in me against her bff.

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Read the other posts again.

 

You must separate yourself from her and stop feeding her.. Make her make the decision on her own.

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bananalaffytaffy

So what if she's afraid?

Either she loves you enough to leave, or she doesn't.

You pandering to her whims does nothing to help her decide.

Tell her it's professional relationship only until she's free, and stick to it.

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MizzBlue72

NGS - yes, this could go on forever - if you and her let it.

Will having half of her forever satisfy you? If so - then OK.

But set boundaries - for yourself and your relationship with her if you are going to do this.

 

It hurts - I know that. If you truly want her for yourself, tell her. Tell her you will not share her.

 

Good luck.

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NGS I hadnt actually meant the innuendo. call it KISA syndrome if you prefer but it all comes down to the same thing. This is not your battle. Its hers.

 

Sorry you are going through this

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fooled once

re-read what JJ wrote.

 

then re-read it again.

 

This girl is playing you like a fiddle.

 

She has no intention of breaking up with her boyfriend.

 

And leave her best friend out of it. Quit trying to FORCE this cheater to want to be with you.

 

If she wanted to be with you, she would be.

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stillafool

You think you have a nice girl but you have a bad girl. She is stringing you along for extra attention but I'll bet you anything she has no plans of leaving her bf. Afterall, he is only her bf not her husband. If she were truly in love with you she would have left a long time ago.

 

Test her. Tell her you will help her move her things and she can stay with you. I think you will get your answer loud and clear.

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NeverGonnaSettle

You know the Matrix dilemma (probably *not* original) re:

Bending Your Mind vs. Bending the Spoon?

 

It's really rough to suddenly STOP being in love with someone.

 

>> Sorry you are going through this

 

Thanks, JJ33. In fact, again, thanks to everyone for your great contributions!!

 

Although I do notice that some folks are judging her quite harshly.

(Of course I appreciate your implied defensiveness on my behalf..!)

 

So. Just cause she's a flippin mess romantically doesn't mean inherently she's an awful person. Talking with a dear friend of mine -- perhaps the most loving "role model" figure I know -- he would, as many of you have suggested -- have me simply hold to my boundaries.

 

Moreover, he also insists that I remain her friend. I was her friend before -- and for good reason because she's not a psychobi*ch but a really worthwhile individual and business associate who is clearly confused about what she wants/needs... and so I ought to revert to what we were before: friends.

 

No blow-outs.

No drama.

And most importantly: No expectations.

 

The only way to win is to stop playing, stop investing. Either she comes around or she doesn't, but I "move on."

 

Right.

 

That's gonna be really f***ing hard!

Specifically: stopping the Love Jones I'm feeling without demonizing her in the process.

 

That's really the mission, isn't it?

Like, I get it NOW.

But tomorrow? Two days from now?

Sitting near her in a meeting? -- It was a powder keg of romantic *blue balls* for both of us before this all happened.

 

How do you suddenly stop being in love with someone and simply "move on" emotionally when you've had a lonnnnng time to build your infatuation with them...

(and NOT justify 100 ways to hate them)?

 

-- ps. THANK YOU all for allowing my cathartic confessionals here.

I realize this is probably how it works for everyone here, but I want you to know I appreciate it, all the same.

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hopesndreams

You can't suddenly stop loving someone and you can't think of thousands of ways of hating them to help you stop loving them. It's a process and it takes time and in some cases, years. It all depends on what kind of relationship there really was and not just the fantasy aspect of it.

 

Why was the infatuation for this woman so strong? You knew she already had a bf. Was it the challenge, the competition and the conquest of winning her away from her bf? Now that you are realizing you lost, it stings huh? Also, cheaters lie, big time. Her bf is most likely pretty terrific and you, you were just a piece on the side. I feel for the poor sod who is with her now. It would be nice if he could be clued in.

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NeverGonnaSettle

Dear HnD,

 

I'm really not here to be baited.

I will answer the following, however:

Why did I fall in love with her?

I've gotten to know her over 2 years in a wide variety of activities and settings. We've been close friends much of that time sharing similar aspirations personally, professionally, artistically... therefore, No. It was not a "conquest" thing. At the point I began to recognize a) how poorly matched she and her boyfriend are (way different goals/temperaments), and b) how often he makes her cry out of his own self-serving manipulations -- which is why her friends hate him -- I began to suggest to her that she deserves better.

 

Yes. Deserves a guy like me.

Not to re-hash too much, but as a matter of my own explicit policy, becoming physical was verbotten without a clean break from the bf to precede it. And when it did spontaneously *happen*, because we all do unenviable things on occasion, I expected her to do the right thing when he arrived back in town -- be strong enough to end the relationship with him, as I am the "KISA..."

 

Email is a lousy window into the context of two peoples' lives and characters.

But yes, I wanted to rescue her. She wanted to be rescued.

 

So now I've learned something.

I hope.

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I think that many who attach themselves to someone who is - or acts unavailable - find things in their relationship, that make that person seem that they need to be rescued.. It is not uncommon, it is one of the things that make us reason: that of being a rescuer ..

 

No matter how badly he treats her, she knows she can leave. If she is so fearful of him or dependent - then she has issues that you cannot address. You have offered her a safe, loving alternative - that is all you can do.. And I don't think anything will happen, unless you allow it to run it's course - one way or another.

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Its nice in theory to say that its your duty to be her friend but you are still playing the martyr. Its hard to be around someone waiting and hoping htat they see the "truth" and choose you.

 

You are still putting your life on hold and she will still be playing you. Im not saying she is an awful person, but her good judgement doesnt extend to her romantic life.

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stillafool

 

It was not a "conquest" thing. At the point I began to recognize a) how poorly matched she and her boyfriend are (way different goals/temperaments), and b) how often he makes her cry out of his own self-serving manipulations -- which is why her friends hate him -- I began to suggest to her that she deserves better.

 

Yes. Deserves a guy like me.

 

You think she is poorly matched with her bf but apparently she does not. She has you waiting to be with her and yet she continues to stay with her horrible bf. Who really cares if her friends hate her lover or not? They aren't the ones who sleep with him, she is and she doesn't seem to care what her friends think - she is still with him. Do they live together?

 

This woman says alot but no action. Actions speak louder than words.

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her_halo_slipped
Dear HnD,

 

I'm really not here to be baited.

I will answer the following, however:

Why did I fall in love with her?

I've gotten to know her over 2 years in a wide variety of activities and settings. We've been close friends much of that time sharing similar aspirations personally, professionally, artistically... therefore, No. It was not a "conquest" thing. At the point I began to recognize a) how poorly matched she and her boyfriend are (way different goals/temperaments), and b) how often he makes her cry out of his own self-serving manipulations -- which is why her friends hate him -- I began to suggest to her that she deserves better.

 

Yes. Deserves a guy like me.

Not to re-hash too much, but as a matter of my own explicit policy, becoming physical was verbotten without a clean break from the bf to precede it. And when it did spontaneously *happen*, because we all do unenviable things on occasion, I expected her to do the right thing when he arrived back in town -- be strong enough to end the relationship with him, as I am the "KISA..."

 

Email is a lousy window into the context of two peoples' lives and characters.But yes, I wanted to rescue her. She wanted to be rescued.

 

So now I've learned something.

I hope.

Lets talk about the bolded.

1) she sure does deserve a guy like you but guess what...she may not think so.Why ? because she simply did not choose you

2) The right thing by you you mean. She HAS done the right thing. The right thing by her and her bf and she continues to stay with him

3) Says who? How says she wanted to be rescued. It doesn't look as though she desperately wants to evade her current situation does it.

 

Maybe you need to step back and really see this situation for what it is.Take off your rose coloured 3D fantasy glasses and let her actions speak to you. Maybe then you will get the message.

I'm sorry but it is clear where this is going and yes....she's playing you. So the question to ask yourself is....what are you going to do about that?

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silverplanets

Hi NGS,

 

My quick thoughts (based upon waiting around for over 10 years for a MW to leave a relationship (which she didn't ) ...

 

So. Just cause she's a flippin mess romantically doesn't mean inherently she's an awful person.

 

You're right. It might mean she is the nicest person in the whole world and even the ONE for you but just, as you say, in a mess right now.

 

If that's true though, then you should follow it through to the logical conclusion .. if she is in a mess then she is not in a sound place internally, and therefore (as a caring friend) you should not be helping her without your own agenda .... if you can't do that then you should ask someone who doesn't have an unlterior motive to help her ....

 

If she is in a mess then she can't trust her feelings - and that includes any she might think she has for you ...

 

If you love her, then let her sort it out, get some space in her life, find herself again and grow from it all, and then , when she's happy inside if she falls in love with you then it's all good :)

 

 

Talking with a dear friend of mine -- perhaps the most loving "role model" figure I know -- he would, as many of you have suggested -- have me simply hold to my boundaries.

 

I agree, and it begs the question, what are your boundries?

 

No to sleep with her until she's left him? .. think you've mentioned that one ..

what about ...

- Not to put your heart in the hands of someone you consider to be in a bad place emotionally?

- Not to be the rebound guy?

- Not to love (or hate) someone just cause they are doing the best they can????

 

What length of time do you think is reasonable even IF she leaves him for her to have had time to come to peace/terms with it all internally and have no baggage???

 

Where is your boundary on influencing someone who you've said yourself is not emotionally in a good place ...???

 

....... ie ..... who are YOU and how does YOU deal with this situation according to YOUR values and beliefs?

 

Moreover, he also insists that I remain her friend. I was her friend before -- and for good reason because she's not a psychobi*ch but a really worthwhile individual and business associate who is clearly confused about what she wants/needs... and so I ought to revert to what we were before: friends.

 

But be open and honest (with yourself) about why you are doing it ... if you are just waiting "to spring" yourself in there then can you really be the non agenda friend she probably needs?

 

 

No blow-outs.

No drama.

And most importantly: No expectations.

 

Very much agree .. plus one addition .. don't stop living your life in the meantime :):)

 

The only way to win is to stop playing, stop investing. Either she comes around or she doesn't, but I "move on."

 

What's this about winning? I thought you loved her???? doesn't that mean wanting the best for her .. even if that means NOT being with you .... if you WIN then who is LOOSING???

 

 

 

That's really the mission, isn't it?

Like, I get it NOW.

But tomorrow? Two days from now?

Sitting near her in a meeting? -- It was a powder keg of romantic *blue balls* for both of us before this all happened.

 

Yep, I REALLY get this .. sticking to your values, beliefs and boundries in the face of temptation is agony. I wasn't very good at it (but much better at it now :):):)) .. not much advice here, other than your values,beliefs and boundries are what make YOU ... if you throw them away then who are YOU ????

 

 

How do you suddenly stop being in love with someone and simply "move on" emotionally when you've had a lonnnnng time to build your infatuation with them...

(and NOT justify 100 ways to hate them)?

 

You don't have to stop loving her, in fact maybe you need to feel more love ... more love for YOU not to get sucked in to a bad situation and more love for HER not to push your agenda and respect her rights to sort her own mess out ...

 

-- ps. THANK YOU all for allowing my cathartic confessionals here.

I realize this is probably how it works for everyone here, but I want you to know I appreciate it, all the same.

 

You sound a great guy, and you're at least considering what's going on (wish I'd had that hindsight years ago :):):)) ...

 

best wishes

Chris

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