Really Struggling With This Situation :(

[MyFavouriteMistake]

Hi there

 

I found this forum a few days ago and have been reading through....and it's kind of comforting to know there are other people in the same position, and to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. And my heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with what you're going through.

 

I'm not sure why I'm here really....I'm struggling, and I guess I'd like some advice, from people that have been through it.

 

I'll give you my story in brief.

 

I am 'seeing' a MM (sorry not too sure on all the codes yet). I am also single. Anyway, this MM and I are work colleagues (although we work opposite shifts and only work together one day a week), and have been good friends for over 3 years now. I've always fancied him, and we've always flirted, infact it's probably safe to say I've secretly been in love with him for a long time. A few weeks ago, we had a works night out, one thing led to another, and we started a sexual affair.

 

Since then, it's been pretty full on. We have been seeing each other every couple of days, for hours at a time, and every minute we spend together is amazing, in and out of the bedroom.

 

I have known for a long time that his marriage is kind of dead, but he has a young child, and has told me he will never leave because of his child. I know we can never be together, and yet I'm in love with him....and I'm really having trouble coping with it all.

 

What started out as a bit of fun, has got a little out of hand....and we both have feelings for each other, and have got in too deep and yet there's nothing I can do about it. He's told me if he didn't have his child he'd leave his wife tomorrow, although I don't believe him, I know this is what married men say, I'm not as naive to believe it...and while I do believe he has some kind of feelings for me, they will never be strong enough to do anything about it.

 

I know what I'm doing is wrong, and that I should knock it on the head, but I just can't do it. I can't bear the thought of not having him in my life 'in this way' anymore. But the thing that is tearing me apart is that he can never be mine.

 

I've been trying to find distractions, to keep my mind off him, to try and ease contact with him a bit, but when I do he rings and texts and I can't resist replying.

 

Like I said, I'm single, and I want to find a nice single man to have a relationship with, but yet I can't see me ever finding one that will match up to him, or that I will click with as I do with him, or that will make me feel the way he does, and well, it just won't be him, will it?

 

And I'm just desperately trying to get my brain in order, and I know I'm going to be left heartbroken, and I want to prevent that I really do, but I don't know how. I miss him so much when we're apart....and I can't stop thinking about him...and I'm just on the verge of tears all the time.

 

I know I got myself into this mess, I knew what I was getting into, but I honestly didn't expect this to happen. I have had brief flings with married men in the past, and have always been able to walk away, but this one has me bound, and I feel like my heart is breaking constantly.

 

And the worst thing is, we have a large group of mutual friends and colleagues, and I'm having to pretend because absolutely nobody knows, and no matter what, I'll still see him, because of work, and I don't know how I'll cope with that either.

 

 

I'm sorry to babble on, I just don't know what to do....and I was kinda hoping that maybe some of you guys, who have been through this, or are going through this might be able to give me some advice on how to deal with the way I'm feeling.

 

I can't walk away from him right now, I don't even want to, but I don't want to be consumed by this feeling of despair anymore. Everything just feels like the end of the world right now.

 

Thanks for listening xx

[2sunny]

what can we help with? you say you shouldn't be with him - that you know better from your past MM experiences - but that you are unwilling to change the situation... so there is little to offer to you.

 

i will say you should read the many stories here and get a good dose of what to expect. it isn't easy for the OW on this forum. it's painful to watch their heartache. reading will give you an idea of what to expect and how predictable the story always goes - no matter how "different" you think your situation is - it's always the same... get used to the pain - it's perfectly normal in this forum.

[jennie-jennie]

You need to come to terms with your relationship. You need to decide whether what you have today is what you want. There might be a better tomorrow, there might not. Do you want what you have today?

 

The best way of surviving as an OW is enjoying the journey, because there are no guarantees about the destination, in fact more likely than not the MM will stay in his marriage. Look at the pros and cons of your relationship, and decide if for today you want to stay.

[2sunny]

since your MM has been clear that he's not leaving his M - it would be best to ACCEPT that as a fact and decide whether or not you want to continue in this position. only you can decide whether to stay or to move forward.

[dazzle22]

I do think you should read several 100 posts from OW and how most of them agonize over the situation, and most don't ever get first place in the MM's life. You have to live in secrecy from everyone at your work, and in your life and this will isolate you.

 

Then ask yourself, is it better to cut this off now and have a chance to find someone else of your own, or deprive yourself of the chance to find love with someone available? You could end up tied to someone who is only giving you second best for years of your life. At least don't be exclusive with him - remember he is not to you.

 

Of course you don't want to do it now, it feels great, of course you don't think you will meet someone else, but being in love is not a state of clear thinking that's for sure.

[White Flower]

Hi there

 

I found this forum a few days ago and have been reading through....and it's kind of comforting to know there are other people in the same position, and to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. And my heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with what you're going through.

 

I'm not sure why I'm here really....I'm struggling, and I guess I'd like some advice, from people that have been through it.

 

 

Thanks for listening xx

MFM,

 

Welcome to LS! Gosh you remind me so much of me when my A first began. Only difference was I was ending a M at the beginning of the A.

 

But I had those highs and lows, oh-so-bad. I'd be laughing on the phone with him one minute and he'd have to take another call. I'd shed a tear during the his call and 5 minutes later I'd be laughing all over again during his return call. CRAZY!

 

You can end the craziness by either ending the A or riding those early and foggy emotions until they dissipate. Now don't get confused, there is a lot of talk about 'affair fog' and my definition is slightly different than most, probably because I've had a fairly long love affair now...going on 5 years. (Jeez, has it been that long?)

 

Anyhow, I believe the reason we have this unsure (foggy) feeling is that there really is no handbook (and if there are I have never been prone to seek one and none have fallen into my lap) to guide us through this socially unacceptable behavior. BTW, to say it is socially unacceptable is not to say that is my belief; it is just they way it is. It is the norm. Yet, EVERY single person I have confided in about my affair has stood by me. I have not lost one friend nor had any confrontation whatsoever (and I'm from the puritanical U.S.). So, as it is the norm, we can't just talk to dear old mum about what to do. Well, I could have, but my mom was different that way.

 

So, in time you will get over these roller-coaster feelings and they will level out. Or you'll end the A and find someone to distract you.

 

I totally understand about SGs not being MM. I've tried to date a few to 'get distracted' and so far it hasn't worked. If we don't end up together though, eventually one will work out I'm sure. We must have faith!

 

By the sounds of it, you really just need to keep posting until you sort all your feelings out. My views on As have changed greatly since I began posting almost 3 years ago. My views on BW, MM, A views in general have all changed over time. Yours will too. You may end up hating As altogether or embrace them with everything you have. But you won't know unless you keep reading and talking. It is very theraputic here, even when bashers come along into the 'support forum for OPs' (other people). It may hurt to know these opponents see things only in their way but they do bring perspective and give you an overall picture that you'll need to base your decisions on.

 

Going off topic a bit, but it seems that most BS are one-way in their thinking and most OPs are multi-faceted in theirs. Is that because we deal with not having what we want and hearing about what he has all the time? And the BS are so focused on keeping what they have that they don't want to hear about our wants? I'm not saying they're one-dimensional at all, and maybe it is their anger I am mistaking for one-track-mindedness? And actually many BS here at LS ARE multi-dimensional in their thinking...until they get mad. But we all get mad, it just seems it is displayed less often than the OP. Should I start my own thread? LOL, I think it's bedtime.

 

Anyway, welcome.

[White Flower]

 

The best way of surviving as an OW is enjoying the journey, because there are no guarantees about the destination, in fact more likely than not the MM will stay in his marriage. Look at the pros and cons of your relationship, and decide if for today you want to stay.

I don't bring her up often enough as to respect her anonymity, but I have a dear friend who is old enough to be my mother and she is an OW. She met the love of her life 35 years ago and he asked her to M him. She said no, she was too young and recently D'd and let's wait a while. Well, he M someone else.

 

She pined and pined for him. Never married again.

 

Recently he showed up to her delight, children in college or M themselves. They are having a torried affair now and I have never seen her glow like she does now. When MM and I recently went through our D-day and bus accident I told her I was done with him for not following our plan. God, was I angry!

 

She asked me then, 'Are you sure you are willing to wait 35 years to see him again, if you EVER see him again? White Flower, just ENJOY him for all you can in the moment. When he leaves, he is still with you.'

 

She's had a lot of lovers over the years and she has no regrets on not remarrying. Her only regret was not accepting that marriage proposal over 35 years ago.

 

I can't say I'll be an OW forever, but I do know how to enjoy the journey and not wait for the destination.

[turnstone]

Going off topic a bit, but it seems that most BS are one-way in their thinking and most OPs are multi-faceted in theirs. Is that because we deal with not having what we want and hearing about what he has all the time? And the BS are so focused on keeping what they have that they don't want to hear about our wants?

 

Yep, I can honestly say as an ex BS, when I found out about my ex H's affairs, after I left him, during our separation and when I divorced him, I had absolutely no interest in the OW's wants and I had no interest in keeping him! But apart from that, it's plainly obvious what the OW wants.

[Hazyhead]

It sounds like you're in the thick of it and I know from experience how difficult it is to find clarity in that situation. As much as I respect the other posters' thoughts, and I do, I have to come at it a little differently. He has told you that he won't leave, to me there is your answer - you want more than he has to offer you. If you stay in this situation I guarantee you more heartbreak, turmoil and stress than you have ever known. Add to that a feeling of utter helplessness as you put your life in the hands of somebody else, somebody whom will not put you first.

 

I know you feel like if you walk away from this you will never experience that intense love again, but that's not necessarily the case - don't sell yourself short, MFM. You deserve to have your desires fulfilled and it is unlikely that he will be able to give that to you.

 

Think carefully about what you want here and do not settle for less. It will be hard to walk away, but when you want more from a situation than you can gain it will be just as hard, if not more, to stay.

 

Good luck.

[White Flower]

Yep, I can honestly say as an ex BS, when I found out about my ex H's affairs, after I left him, during our separation and when I divorced him, I had absolutely no interest in the OW's wants and I had no interest in keeping him! But apart from that, it's plainly obvious what the OW wants.

 

Going off topic a bit, but it seems that most BS are one-way in their thinking and most OPs are multi-faceted in theirs. Is that because we deal with not having what we want and hearing about what he has all the time? And the BS are so focused on keeping what they have that they don't want to hear about our wants? I'm not saying they're one-dimensional at all, and maybe it is their anger I am mistaking for one-track-mindedness? And actually many BS here at LS ARE multi-dimensional in their thinking...until they get mad. But we all get mad, it just seems it is displayed less often than the OP. Should I start my own thread? LOL, I think it's bedtime.

 

Anyway, welcome.

I should have stated that while some OW do pine for the MM some of us are pretty happy with our life in general, being happy with both lives; the life separate from MM and the one with him (multi-faceted). Additionally, we hear about his life and imagine ourselves along side him, adding to the overall facet. It complicates the thinking process and broadens the imagination I guess.

[dazzle22]

White Flower, I am not following why a BS should care about the OW's wants? And doesn't it make sense that a BW would have a one track mind? Someone is gunning for her husband. Or he's gunning for another woman. Either way, she's trying to protect her marriage...

[White Flower]

White Flower, I am not following why a BS should care about the OW's wants? And doesn't it make sense that a BW would have a one track mind? Someone is gunning for her husband. Or he's gunning for another woman. Either way, she's trying to protect her marriage...

I had a feeling my post would be misunderstood and I'm sorry for that. I do not think a BS should consider what the OW wants and I'm well aware that she is protecting her M (even if it might be a bad one). I guess what I was trying to say is that many OW seem to be more open-minded while MW seem to not be. I could be wrong but it was just an observation.

 

I said many, not all, BTW.