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Does dating you get over the MM or MW


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Ella whispers

OOPS! Should be : Does dating help you get over the MM or MW?

 

I was thinking that since I have had NC for 5 days or so ( Lost track not eating,sleeping,anything) that a date where I was the focus would be helpful. In a way it was and in a way I missed him.

The date was nice, good guy SINGLE and older, established, thinks I'm attractive and I felt that way. Something seemed to be missing. At one point I felt so insane that I went to the bathroom and just leaned against the wall w/ my head in my hands and wished that I had that connection with the date that I had w/ xMM.

 

Anyone else feel this way?

Edited by Ella whispers
Can't fix the dang title......
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Yes and no. Yes, because having sex with another person, is fun. No, because you miss the MW and the emotional feelings you shared.

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White Flower

It is hard to do. Tried a few times but meh...

 

Actually, I think it is a good idea to at least try. You can't be stuck forever, right?

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Ella whispers

I seriously wish I could have sex without feelings. I have never even kissed on a first date as odd as that sounds after what I did but it's true.

It was nice to be out in the open for once in a long while.

That whole "you can't get over someone w/o getting under someone thing is probably true. I just wanted to feel good about myself. It's selfish but it's not like I don't like him because I do. It's just not the connection that I had before. Probably that way with any relationship but I was thinking that maybe it's especially healing for those of us invloved with MM or MW.

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Ella whispers

WF, exactly what I'm hoping for!

I don't want to be stuck in this hole anymore. I guess I will just start saying yes when I'm asked. No reason to sit at home and hope he will call.

He has to know by now that I'm done. I deleted him off of IM and Facebook and erased his number in my phone. I don't even know it from memory which could be a life saver if ever I had a weak moment.

I'm relying on disgust w/ myself and him to keep up NC.

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I seriously wish I could have sex without feelings. I have never even kissed on a first date as odd as that sounds after what I did but it's true.

It was nice to be out in the open for once in a long while.

That whole "you can't get over someone w/o getting under someone thing is probably true. I just wanted to feel good about myself. It's selfish but it's not like I don't like him because I do. It's just not the connection that I had before. Probably that way with any relationship but I was thinking that maybe it's especially healing for those of us invloved with MM or MW.

 

It might be too soon to have a connection with someone new while you are still mourning the one you gave up, but that doesn't mean you should stop trying!

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silverplanets

After 3 months NC I deliberately pushed myself to do it. One person, two nights, and that was ok for me.

 

It was just an exercise to prove to myself that I could and to put more distance between me and MW in my mind.

 

I was honest to the other person involved and didn't pretend that I was available or interested in anything else.

 

With that "box ticked" I've got on with building my own, self validating, life ..

 

I have a daughter though, and so emotionally I live in a world full of love, which perhaps helps.

 

But yes, sleeping with someone else in a meaningless fashion was good for me and, at the right time, an important part of the heeling I think.

 

Certainly I KNOW now that they MW was NOT the only one I could ever sleep with !!!

 

It was a wierd experience though .. emotionally and mentally that is.

 

be safe

 

Chris

:-)

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I understand where all you are coming from. I was involved with a MW off and on for 12 yrs. This is the hardest thing I've ever done is to try to move on. Because I still want her in my life. I want to call her, I still wonder what she is doing. Her H found out about us. So assuming life in her house has not been pretty. MW has been married for 22 yrs. Funny thing she said she was done with me, but we still talk. I think that's what's killing me not be able to see her.

 

My healing process hurts really bad. I'm not married never have been.

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I understand where all you are coming from. I was involved with a MW off and on for 12 yrs. This is the hardest thing I've ever done is to try to move on. Because I still want her in my life. I want to call her, I still wonder what she is doing. Her H found out about us. So assuming life in her house has not been pretty. MW has been married for 22 yrs. Funny thing she said she was done with me, but we still talk. I think that's what's killing me not be able to see her.

 

My healing process hurts really bad. I'm not married never have been.

 

And at the rate you are going, you never will be..... Just sayin...

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So tell me after holding for so long hoping that the MW and I would be together. Knowing that her M is having serious problems by the H knowing about us. There still no hope for us? Even now that she calls me but our convesation is not the same now. Or am I wrong for feeling like this? Mind you there married 22 yrs and the H found out about a off and on 12yr A the MW was having. She saids she still loves me.

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I never really had a problem dating other women while seeing MW. She was still going home to her husband, right?

 

It kind of pisses me off in a way to see so many "others" here wasting away over their affair partners. They are married and no matter what they tell you, they aren't yours, so stop killing yourselves trying to be theirs. They aren't giving you some special gift, and after you wash all of the sugar coating off, they are simply screwing you on the side. Yeah, it feels good... but guess what... every "normal" person on this planet feels the exact same thing during an affair. How many of those affairs ever turn into real one on one relationships? As we all know, it's a very small percentage, and those usually lead to a relationship that is actually worse than the one the cheater abandoned. It just sucks. Go out, date, have fun. If they really love you and only you, they will do what it takes to be with you and only you. Until then, stop wasting your own life.

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Like some others here, I've done all kinds of dating to get him out of my mind. It's been 9 months and I can't say he's completely out yet but there's progress.

 

I had sex without feelings, many times, just to say I could, it was fun, but useless as far as healing goes.

 

I had more dates than I can remember.

 

I was also in a 2 mo. relationship with a man who, after wooing me assiduously, and just as I was starting to like him, dumped me on Valentines day.

 

Now I'm trying to stay still and do nothing.

 

But definitely, give dating a go. And sex is just that, sex, it won't get your MM off your mind completely, but it'll distract you and it's good for you! Best luck to you.

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fooled once
OOPS! Should be : Does dating help you get over the MM or MW?

 

I was thinking that since I have had NC for 5 days or so ( Lost track not eating,sleeping,anything) that a date where I was the focus would be helpful. In a way it was and in a way I missed him.

The date was nice, good guy SINGLE and older, established, thinks I'm attractive and I felt that way. Something seemed to be missing. At one point I felt so insane that I went to the bathroom and just leaned against the wall w/ my head in my hands and wished that I had that connection with the date that I had w/ xMM.

 

Anyone else feel this way?

 

But you have to give it time.

 

You have to be ready to accept someone new.

 

You have to want to accept something new.

 

You can continue to mourn the past, wallow in it and let it consume you OR you could mourn it, put it behind you and focus on the present and future. It is up to you how you want to handle it, but do you think he is at home bemoaning the fact that he has to stay married, that he has to come home each night to the same woman, that he has to plan a vacation with her, etc?

 

No - he is living his life (more than likely) and while I am not trying to diminish what you felt you had, letting it consume you won't change it. You have to want to get out of the mind set and live the life you are given to the FULLEST. If you want to stay the OW, and can accept those limitations, then try to get back with him. If you want more - if you want a full time relationship where you aren't hidden, where there isn't someone else he is already 'committed' to, then grieve but move forward. It takes time, and you have to work at it, but sometimes, all the pain you went through could bring wonderful things to your life.

 

Had I not been involved in my affair, I wouldn't have been where I needed to be at a certain time so that I met my wonderful H :love: and wouldn't be celebrating 12 years of marriage in a couple weeks. As much as the affair hurt me, broke me and made me doubt men in general, the affair also made ME realize I deserved more, I wanted more and I would never ever settle for less again.

 

Some people only want "part time", some people don't want a commitment, some people don't mind committing years of their life to an affair. I will never be "glad" I was in an affair - I will never be thrilled over the pain and devastation I went through - but I survived it and found the pot of gold!

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Ella whispers

Thank you everyone for the advice. My A lasted for a year and I know it will take time to heal. I just keep trying to replace the emotion with logic.

I do let mysel be sad every so often and I time myself. No more than 5 minutes. I had a lunch date today as well just to do it. I said no so much I figure saying yes might do me good.

It's so good to know tht there are others out there going throught the same things that I am. It's a comfort to read.:D

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Ella, the longer the affair, the harder it is to get over. Dating helps to re-connect with others and the world in general. I'm really glad to see that your back in the game!! Good Luck!!:):)

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Ella whispers

Thank you Joe. I appreciate that very much.

Readin these posts are so cathartic for me. My faith isn't completely lost that men have emotions too.

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Hey Ella! I dated on my previous round of not-very-convincing NC, just twice and I felt exactly as you did; I enjoyed the evening and his company (not to mention the attention), but I wasn't finished in my mind with xMM; I was still checking emails, etc. As for the sex, well, there wasn't any - just a bit of build up instead. Again, I hadn't let go of xMM and the idea of sex with someone else actually saddened me. This time I feel so differently, like a huge weight has lifted with the end of the affair and I'm better off without him in my life. Although I know it won't be immediately easy, I'm now looking forward to meeting other guys, and I even seem to have lost the nobody-could-possibly-match-up attitude. And the sex... well, I'm so ready for a fling. In fact, I'd quite like to be flung all over the place right now :)

 

When you're ready it will help you get over him, but until then the dating will help you get to the ready stage.

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Ella whispers

Thank you Hazy.:)

 

It seems as the days go by that it gets easier. I haven't seen him at all. I make sure that when he is due to come to work I am either not back at the office or go back once he has left.

There is a meeting of sorts coming up that I am having some anxiety over because that will be the only time that I will have no choice but to be in the same room as him.

He still has not contacted me nor I him.

I have no doubt that he knows it's done.

I'm sure to him it doesn't matter and I was just on a list.

All I can do is surround myself with positive people and happy thoughts.

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