LosingMyself Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 I do not want my A to go into the YEARS,I will ask MM to make a choice even if it means not chosing me. He says he loves me and hopefully I will soon find out just how much or not. I have destroyed my M for him,I have nothing else to lose. I love MM so much it sickens me,I have never been in a R where I had to share,but yet I put up with it and share him with his W. I do not want to think and imagine LALALA LAND anymore,and want to have it or not at all. I do not want to feel like a whore for loving him,I do not want to sleep alone at night anymore wondering what he is doing. I want to spend the holidays with him,I want to love him out loud,I do not want to hide anymore. I love myself and I want a real R,that is what I deserve. If I cannot have it with him,then I cannot be with him,because I cannot live this way anymore it is torture to myself,I do not want to be one of those women that is willing to be with a man for years as the OW. I am so scared that he will not chose me,I am so scared that he will leave me,I am so scared to live without kissing him seeing him and being with him.But this is to much for me and I am tired of wondering and hoping. So I will ask him to choose,and I hope it will be me. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Sounds like in the long run it will be a win, win, for everyone involved. He's not going to WANT to choose though. Maybe some other posters can tell you some things to be prepared for. He may blame you for not supporting him, throw guilt back into your face, beg for more time, say that you never loved him, ect... I'm sure if know what to expect then it will be easier to stick to your guns. Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 I do not want my A to go into the YEARS,I will ask MM to make a choice even if it means not chosing me. I am so scared that he will not chose me,I am so scared that he will leave me,I am so scared to live without kissing him seeing him and being with him.But this is to much for me and I am tired of wondering and hoping. So I will ask him to choose,and I hope it will be me. ------------------------- I regret that you have lost your marriage for this relationship. If I were you I would not make ultimatums yet.. By your paragraph above, I don't think you are ready ... These relationships are extremely destructive to all incl the OW .. Inside, you should make the determination to back out of the relationship .. I believe men are with the ones that they wish to be with .. or as cake eaters - with both women.. I think you have an idea by now, how he would choose - or he could tell you many reasons why he cannot leave just yet .. It is in your best interest to back out of the relationship on your own (inside of you), Before any ultimatums.. Link to post Share on other sites
fmk123ster Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 When you say you destroyed your own M. Have you moved on or if your BF does not choose you would you go back to you Husb? Link to post Share on other sites
Ima Texan Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 I think that is a good decision. I hope it goes well. However, if he chooses his W, will you respect that or will you want to continue being the OW? If he chooses her, will you be able to cut off contact with him for good? Don't make ultimatums if you can't back them up. Make your decision about what you really want, and stick to your guns. Take no less. (Hey! This is my 500th post! I can't believe I've had 500 things to say!)[/QUOTE] and thats in only 2 months!! That is 250 posts a month.. WOW, you need to work harder... LOL Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 I think this is a good decision. Kick him off the fence. Link to post Share on other sites
Ima Texan Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 and back on topic, I am taking bets... Ive set up a table in the lobby and you can place your bets there.... Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Yes he is unhappy with his W he hates being with her,he does not even love her and has not loved her for YEARS,he feels sorry for her,she is not over weight maybe that is why he never brings up the weight issue's. Sometimes I want my H to confront his W,just to see her side of the story. If all of this is true then you shouldn't have anything to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 Have you divorced your husband (yet)? Your MM isn't going to choose. He likes how things are, having you on the side and being married. You're going to have to take control and end it, go no contact, tell him it's over and only to contact you when he's officially divorced. Anything short of that IS still an affair. If you tell his wife, be prepared to definately lose him forever. And live with the consquences - Him hating you for telling his wife. He'll throw you under the bus, make it seem like YOU are the one chasing him. He is telling you one thing and chances are, his marriage isn't half as bad as he's made it seem. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 I believe that he threatened to beat her H if he spoke to his wife about the situation. I wonder what it is that attracts you to this man. Is it the way he manipulates and controls the people in his life and calls it love? There are people out there who only feel loved when someone else is sacrificing their happiness for them. Like, if put up with the crappy way I treat you then you must love me. Your MM sounds like one of these types. If he does choose you, you'll have to put up with a ton of pain to prove your love for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 You've been wit hthis guy for the better part of a year - you know him pretty well. If you're fairly certain he'll choose to stay married (for whatever myriad of excuses he gives you - "she's weak", "I can't leave the kids", "There's too much money at stake", etc) then you're probably right. He has had the ability to choose all along, and has chosen BOTH of you. So, going to him and saying "you have to choose" is kind of silly - he has already made his choice. By trying to "make" him choose, you take away all your power. Consider this - if you say choose and he stays with the W, you feel rejected, all power abdiated to him. But, if you say I'm leaving you until you pursue divorce because this is too hard for me, you can walk away with your head held high and he knows the door is open for him to follow you if he wants to get out of the marriage. If he chooses to stay in the marriage, at least you had the power because you chose to change things first. It's a proactive choice that I think you will feel better about in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 How soon is soon? Link to post Share on other sites
Luckyluss Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 You've been wit hthis guy for the better part of a year - you know him pretty well. If you're fairly certain he'll choose to stay married (for whatever myriad of excuses he gives you - "she's weak", "I can't leave the kids", "There's too much money at stake", etc) then you're probably right. He has had the ability to choose all along, and has chosen BOTH of you. So, going to him and saying "you have to choose" is kind of silly - he has already made his choice. By trying to "make" him choose, you take away all your power. Consider this - if you say choose and he stays with the W, you feel rejected, all power abdiated to him. But, if you say I'm leaving you until you pursue divorce because this is too hard for me, you can walk away with your head held high and he knows the door is open for him to follow you if he wants to get out of the marriage. If he chooses to stay in the marriage, at least you had the power because you chose to change things first. It's a proactive choice that I think you will feel better about in the long run. That is SOOOOOOOO true. You seem so in love with him that at this point you need to regain some perspective, adn in your case it is some control of the situation. Love can make us feel so lost and powerless, and sometimes walking away is the only way to survive the distress of "waiting to be chosen". If he chooses you, he'll come back for you even of you leave... Link to post Share on other sites
bestplayer Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 I do not want my A to go into the YEARS,I will ask MM to make a choice even if it means not chosing me. He says he loves me and hopefully I will soon find out just how much or not. I have destroyed my M for him,I have nothing else to lose. I love MM so much it sickens me,I have never been in a R where I had to share,but yet I put up with it and share him with his W. I do not want to think and imagine LALALA LAND anymore,and want to have it or not at all. I do not want to feel like a whore for loving him,I do not want to sleep alone at night anymore wondering what he is doing. I want to spend the holidays with him,I want to love him out loud,I do not want to hide anymore. I love myself and I want a real R,that is what I deserve. If I cannot have it with him,then I cannot be with him,because I cannot live this way anymore it is torture to myself,I do not want to be one of those women that is willing to be with a man for years as the OW. I am so scared that he will not chose me,I am so scared that he will leave me,I am so scared to live without kissing him seeing him and being with him.But this is to much for me and I am tired of wondering and hoping. So I will ask him to choose,and I hope it will be me. I have destroyed my M for him,I have nothing else to lose. so u have destroyed ur marriage & want him to destroy his too ? what if despite being in affair , he turns out to be not as selfish as u are ? or may be decides to give his marriage some chance if possible just to avoid hurting his wife the way u hurt ur husband ? May be ur MM is not sure if he wants a wife who can dump her husband so easily for some MM ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LosingMyself Posted April 1, 2010 Author Share Posted April 1, 2010 Yes I destroed my M,but it was rocky before my A. I tried working on my M before I went into a PA with MM,but it did not work. It is going on 1 year with my MM,and I am sorry but I cannot live this way,do you people think I like being the OW?NO,I do not. I love MM,he has been my friend for many years before he became my lover. Of course I am scared to lose him,I want to be the women he goes to bed next to and wakes up to every morning,and I do not want to settle any longer,I cannot be that type of women that stays in a R with a MM for years, that scares me. So I will tell him that I will no longer be a part of his life as a OW,and if he really loves me like he says he will be with me,and if not then let me know now so I can go on with my life and start to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 No point in issuing this ultimatum as he will refuse in one guise or another. The only question I have is which excuse he will give. The kids? Crush his wife? Finances? Economy? And when he refuses...you gonna stay in your M? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 you're going to ASK him to choose? ahahahaha, what if he says NO - i won't. ahhhh, he won't be that blatant - he'll deflect and say he can't right now, he'll have a million reasons to buy MORE time to have you on the side. then YOU will still be stuck with a decision to make. why not make it easy. decide for YOURSELF. tell him that you won't do it anymore - unless his divorce is final - and yours too. THAT is what a decision by a big girl looks like - instead of the little girl game you want to play by asking him to leave her. decide yourself. you can only control what YOU do - not him. no need to be at his mercy... not anymore while you're wearing your big girl panties... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 What does he gain by leaving his marriage? What does he lose by leaving his marriage? If the losses (alimony, having to move a lifetime of stuff, downgrading financially/lifestyle-wise, etc.) outweigh the gains then he isn't going to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 (Hey! This is my 500th post! I can't believe I've had 500 things to say!) Huh???:rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
Ima Texan Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 Huh???:rolleyes: I didn't say that????!!!! Jthorne said it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LosingMyself Posted April 1, 2010 Author Share Posted April 1, 2010 Good for you. When are you going to do it? I plan on telling him on Friday when I see him. I am not sure you people understand me,I am going to end my A with MM if he chooses to stay in his M,the thought of me being in an A with MM for YEARS scares the crap out of me,and honestly I feel sad and lonely when I think about it. I love him and I want him in my life and I hope he starts a life with me,and yes it scares me to think he will leave me,but it scares me even more to be in an A for years as the other woman,I want to grow old with someone who loves me and wants to be with me,not someone who wants me to stay the OW and be there with me when he is sneaking away. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 I plan on telling him on Friday when I see him. I am not sure you people understand me,I am going to end my A with MM if he chooses to stay in his M,the thought of me being in an A with MM for YEARS scares the crap out of me,and honestly I feel sad and lonely when I think about it. I love him and I want him in my life and I hope he starts a life with me,and yes it scares me to think he will leave me,but it scares me even more to be in an A for years as the other woman,I want to grow old with someone who loves me and wants to be with me,not someone who wants me to stay the OW and be there with me when he is sneaking away. Your motivation is honorable, and I hope you can stick by it. I myself could never give such an ultimatum, because I know I do not have it in me to break up with my MM. Our relationship gives me too much even as it is. Good luck! (And don't be ashamed to return to LS even if you find yourself still being the OW after Friday. I will back you up, knowing how hard it is to make a clean break. Nobody can blame you for trying.) Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 LosingMyself - I understand how you feel. After a couple months in I sat down with him and we went over a timeline. I indicated my needs and he indicated his. I told him that this was not a ideal style of relationship for me and that would not be something I would want to engage in indefinitely. I asked him his thoughts on that as well as his timeline. From that we came to a compromise on what he needed to get done and how long I could continue. For me, it expressing my needs and boundaries. It wasn't to force him to do anything but to make sure I communicated the above, gave him the opportunity to do so as well and then go from there. I didn't want any miscommunication or the ability to say "I didn't know". It is for you then say it but don't say anything if you are looking to force his hand. It is so you know that you can move on without regret and that you are communicating your needs. Actually after I discussing I sent him a recap email going over the major points and asked him if I missed anything. It ensured that both parties are on the same page and to try and discuss things rationally. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 Your motivation is honorable, and I hope you can stick by it. I myself could never give such an ultimatum, because I know I do not have it in me to break up with my MM. Our relationship gives me too much even as it is. Good luck! (And don't be ashamed to return to LS even if you find yourself still being the OW after Friday. I will back you up, knowing how hard it is to make a clean break. Nobody can blame you for trying.) And you need to factor in the above. Weigh the good and the bad. If he doesn't leave is being the OW worse than making a clean break. If the bad would outweigh the good then absolutely walk away. But make sure you clearly know what you need first. And I did walk away. He, lucky for him, was able to catch up. You have to be your biggest supporter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LosingMyself Posted April 1, 2010 Author Share Posted April 1, 2010 And you need to factor in the above. Weigh the good and the bad. If he doesn't leave is being the OW worse than making a clean break. If the bad would outweigh the good then absolutely walk away. But make sure you clearly know what you need first. And I did walk away. He, lucky for him, was able to catch up. You have to be your biggest supporter. Thanks,I agree I do have to be my biggest supporter. I hope my ending ends up like yours.I know the odds are against me,but better now that I do it,then 5 years from now. Link to post Share on other sites
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