Jump to content

Reconnecting after an affair


Recommended Posts

Is it possible to re-establish the love, passion and sexual desire for your spouse after an affair? Obviously, considering the AP is no longer in your life. What if it was never as "good" or intense with your spouse as it was with the AP?

I am just curious if anyone can answer "yes" to these questions. Personally, this seems highly unlikely to me because my A proved to me that there are some aspects of a relationship that my H and I never had (i.e. strong physical chemistry, at least on my part). Sometimes I feel that if I cannot be with my AP, I have no choice but to be alone for awhile and eventually start over with someone new.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Confused Lady

When you figure it out Kmm111, please let me know. I'm in the same boat. I do love my husband, but I'm not "in love" with him. ( I don't think) I know I need to work on my M since exAP and I aren't together anymore (you can read my posts) but I still think of the lust and passion I had w/ him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BlueeyedJonesy

My heart breaks for your spouse. Why not just get a divorce? it sounds like you stayed M because you couldn't have your AP. Have you ever been in a relationship where you were on the other side of that? It hurts. Why not just leave well enough alone?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Confused Lady

Honestly Blueeyed, I'd had those feelings about the "not being in love" w/ my spouse for a long time. The A had nothing to do with it. I've been questioning my marriage for at least 4 yrs. now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
bentnotbroken

Then for God's sake leave your spouses and get a divorce so that can find someone who will lvoe them the way they should be loved.

Link to post
Share on other sites
White Flower
Is it possible to re-establish the love, passion and sexual desire for your spouse after an affair? Obviously, considering the AP is no longer in your life. What if it was never as "good" or intense with your spouse as it was with the AP?

I am just curious if anyone can answer "yes" to these questions. Personally, this seems highly unlikely to me because my A proved to me that there are some aspects of a relationship that my H and I never had (i.e. strong physical chemistry, at least on my part). Sometimes I feel that if I cannot be with my AP, I have no choice but to be alone for awhile and eventually start over with someone new.

Start over with someone new as in a new OM? Are you still M or D'd? Why do you state 'being alone' if you are still M?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Is it possible to re-establish the love, passion and sexual desire for your spouse after an affair? Obviously, considering the AP is no longer in your life. What if it was never as "good" or intense with your spouse as it was with the AP?

I am just curious if anyone can answer "yes" to these questions. Personally, this seems highly unlikely to me because my A proved to me that there are some aspects of a relationship that my H and I never had (i.e. strong physical chemistry, at least on my part). Sometimes I feel that if I cannot be with my AP, I have no choice but to be alone for awhile and eventually start over with someone new.

 

I think it is possible re-establish passion and sexual desire if love is already there . Besides there has to be a desire to reconnect with the spouse

Link to post
Share on other sites

Not in my opinion. What's gone is gone when desire is concerned. It's a big reason why people have affairs. You sound like you should spend time alone as you suggested it yourself...good luck to you.

I've had EA affairs and crushes when I was married, if I knew then what I know now, I would have gotten divorced a lot sooner. For me it was the beginning of the end.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Is it possible to re-establish the love, passion and sexual desire for your spouse after an affair? Obviously, considering the AP is no longer in your life. What if it was never as "good" or intense with your spouse as it was with the AP?

I am just curious if anyone can answer "yes" to these questions. Personally, this seems highly unlikely to me because my A proved to me that there are some aspects of a relationship that my H and I never had (i.e. strong physical chemistry, at least on my part). Sometimes I feel that if I cannot be with my AP, I have no choice but to be alone for awhile and eventually start over with someone new.

 

That one sentence dooms your marriage.

 

You have pigeon-holed your H into permanent second place. He'll NEVER be your AP...mainly because he is himself. And guess what, your AP aint perfect either. No one is.

 

Until you learn to accept the faults and failures of others, you will NEVER be satisfied. NEVER be satisified with the good he offers as you always only see the shortcomings.

 

Divorce him.

 

Then go to IC and heal yourself.

 

Then, after that, consider dating...

 

You can be happy again...but not in that mindset I bolded...

Link to post
Share on other sites

In my experience - oh yes!! very muchly in fact. Two and a half years after D Day and we are very much in love, lust and like.

Link to post
Share on other sites
pureinheart
Is it possible to re-establish the love, passion and sexual desire for your spouse after an affair? Obviously, considering the AP is no longer in your life. What if it was never as "good" or intense with your spouse as it was with the AP?

I am just curious if anyone can answer "yes" to these questions. Personally, this seems highly unlikely to me because my A proved to me that there are some aspects of a relationship that my H and I never had (i.e. strong physical chemistry, at least on my part). Sometimes I feel that if I cannot be with my AP, I have no choice but to be alone for awhile and eventually start over with someone new.

 

Hi K,

 

There's a good possiblity that you had an A to "communicate" something, only you know what that is.

 

Are you angry with your S? Did he/she do something to you?

Link to post
Share on other sites
pureinheart
When you figure it out Kmm111, please let me know. I'm in the same boat. I do love my husband, but I'm not "in love" with him. ( I don't think) I know I need to work on my M since exAP and I aren't together anymore (you can read my posts) but I still think of the lust and passion I had w/ him.

 

Hi CL,

 

I ask you the same question...are you angry with your S? What did he do to you?

 

I stand by the fact through experience that people don't just wake up one day and say "gee, I think I will have an A today"...something led up to the A, it's just a matter of "what" that "is".

Link to post
Share on other sites

After a 6-year separation, I'm going to find out.

 

Time will tell. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
White Flower
After a 6-year separation, I'm going to find out.

 

Time will tell. :)

Grogster, going to find out with AP, W, or someone new?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah,White Flower, I was wondering that myself. Grogster, are you trying to re-connect with a past spouse?....... Seren, in your M, did you have the affair, or did your H?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Hi K,

 

There's a good possiblity that you had an A to "communicate" something, only you know what that is.

 

Are you angry with your S? Did he/she do something to you?

 

 

Yes, I have been very angry with my spouse and didn't communicate my exact feelings to him about things. For the 2 1/2 yrs. we've been married, he's been controlling, condescending and has treated me like his child. I didn't even feel like I had a husband at times. There were needs I was not getting met and I didn't feel like he even appreciated me. I don't mean to bash him or feel sorry for myself - he DOES have great qualities as well and has never been physically abusive or anything. I went to an IC session and the counselor told me I needed to start standing up for myself and being more assertive (I've always had a problem with assertiveness). When my H and I were having a lot of problems, that is when my EA began.

Recently, I have let him know exactly how I feel. I told him I wanted to leave beacause I wasn't happy and he found out about the EA. He pleaded with me to try and work on things and said he would try and change. It's been about a month and he has been great so far...seems like he's really been trying. I feel as the "damage has been done" though. I believe that having the EA ruined my marriage, even though it allowed me to experience an amazing amount of happiness, love and desire that I have never experienced before.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Grogster, going to find out with AP, W, or someone new?

 

This is with my estranged wife. I have absolutely no interest in ever "reconnecting" with my MW. That issue is dead as a door nail. The bloom is long off that rose.

 

Despite my past "bad boy" behavior and our long separation, my wife remains very interested in trying again. Silly woman. :)

 

Right now, we're taking baby steps. I'm very happy living alone. Nevertheless, I remain open to the possibility of becoming a "husband" again. (I never stopped being a father).

 

Time may not "heal" all wounds, but it can act as a salve.

 

We shall see.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fallen Angel
This is with my estranged wife. I have absolutely no interest in ever "reconnecting" with my MW. That issue is dead as a door nail. The bloom is long off that rose.

 

Despite my past "bad boy" behavior and our long separation, my wife remains very interested in trying again. Silly woman. :)

 

Right now, we're taking baby steps. I'm very happy living alone. Nevertheless, I remain open to the possibility of becoming a "husband" again. (I never stopped being a father).

 

Time may not "heal" all wounds, but it can act as a salve.

 

We shall see.

 

I see in this line some geniune affection for her, and I think that is a great starting place.

 

Good Luck to you, and your wife. May you be blessed with much love and happiness.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, it's possible to rebuild that connection. My wife and I have done so after her EA, and we're now six years past d-day.

 

It's possible, but it takes work and effort. I get that right now, you may not WANT to work on it. Initially, my wife wasn't sure if she wanted to or not either.

 

But at some point, you're going to have to make a choice to either work at it, or end the marriage.

 

I would heartily suggest a good marriage counselor who can help the two of you work through communication issues and problems, damage to the marriage caused by the affair, and whatever issues the two of you had that might have contributed to you choosing to have an EA in the first place.

 

My wife and I are proof that it can be done. It doesn't always work out this way, but it CAN, if you both are willing to try.

Link to post
Share on other sites
White Flower
This is with my estranged wife. I have absolutely no interest in ever "reconnecting" with my MW. That issue is dead as a door nail. The bloom is long off that rose.

 

Despite my past "bad boy" behavior and our long separation, my wife remains very interested in trying again. Silly woman. :)

 

Right now, we're taking baby steps. I'm very happy living alone. Nevertheless, I remain open to the possibility of becoming a "husband" again. (I never stopped being a father).

 

Time may not "heal" all wounds, but it can act as a salve.

 

We shall see.

Too cute.:) Grogster, I am so happy for you. Wow!!!
Link to post
Share on other sites
White Flower

But at some point, you're going to have to make a choice to either work at it, or end the marriage.

 

Grogster, you never actually D'd? Wow. And all this time I thought you were a free agent.:cool: (Even though I know your heart pined for your W).

Link to post
Share on other sites
Grogster, you never actually D'd? Wow. And all this time I thought you were a free agent.:cool: (Even though I know your heart pined for your W).

 

 

I acted (and felt) like a free agent during this long separation. And, in dating, I never concealed the fact that I was separated, and not divorced.

 

Nevertheless, I hesitated to pull the trigger and file for divorce. And I'm not shy about ending relationhips. That's my specialty.

 

Something still connected me to my wife other than our kids. We'll do everything we can to rebuild these connections. We might succeed; we might fail. But, in the end, we would have tried.

 

Let the dance start anew.

Link to post
Share on other sites
White Flower
I acted (and felt) like a free agent during this long separation. And, in dating, I never concealed the fact that I was separated, and not divorced.

 

Nevertheless, I hesitated to pull the trigger and file for divorce. And I'm not shy about ending relationhips. That's my specialty.

 

Something still connected me to my wife other than our kids. We'll do everything we can to rebuild these connections. We might succeed; we might fail. But, in the end, we would have tried.

 

Let the dance start anew.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.:)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes, I have been very angry with my spouse and didn't communicate my exact feelings to him about things. For the 2 1/2 yrs. we've been married, he's been controlling, condescending and has treated me like his child. I didn't even feel like I had a husband at times. There were needs I was not getting met and I didn't feel like he even appreciated me. I don't mean to bash him or feel sorry for myself - he DOES have great qualities as well and has never been physically abusive or anything. I went to an IC session and the counselor told me I needed to start standing up for myself and being more assertive (I've always had a problem with assertiveness). When my H and I were having a lot of problems, that is when my EA began.

Recently, I have let him know exactly how I feel. I told him I wanted to leave beacause I wasn't happy and he found out about the EA. He pleaded with me to try and work on things and said he would try and change. It's been about a month and he has been great so far...seems like he's really been trying. I feel as the "damage has been done" though. I believe that having the EA ruined my marriage, even though it allowed me to experience an amazing amount of happiness, love and desire that I have never experienced before.

 

kmm111 ur post sounds like as if u r saying it was ur husband fault that u had EA .

u said u didn't communicate ur feelings to ur husband rather got involved in EA , I dont see any reason u should be angry with ur husband for ur EA . If u really feel that damage has been done , & u can't do anything about it , u should accept full responsibility & leave to pursue ur happiness .

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah,White Flower, I was wondering that myself. Grogster, are you trying to re-connect with a past spouse?....... Seren, in your M, did you have the affair, or did your H?

 

Sorry, just jumped in without understanding post was for WS reconnecting with BS. My H had an affair Joe, we are still married.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...