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Just how long does it take??


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Its been 26 days NC (35 if you include the 9 before xMM ringing to tell me his W had OD'd)....Its been hard, I've taken holiday from work to avoid bumping into him and still check his calendar daily in case he's due into my office.

 

Not a day has gone by that I've not cried and I still think about him constantly. I thought I'd controlled the tears to private moments and could even talk about him if someone at work asked but this last week has been really bad.

 

The tears have started again, out of no where they just come, I feel empty and lonely. Not sure why I feel like I've gone backwards...is this normal??

 

He was supposed to be in my office last Friday, I couldn't book any more time off so was not looking forward to seeing him....I felt sick most of the day and spent it watching the door!! He didn't come in while I was there so that was ok but its still there in the back of my mind every day when I go to work....

 

When does this end? Don't get me wrong I have not been moping around and have done my best to put a brave face on to my friends. I've been out and about, meeting people and even booked a holiday but the alone time still hurts.

 

I'm trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself as I know that will do me know good but this last week has hit me like a house brick and I really don't know what to do...

 

I don't want him back and my brain is very logical about him, me and what has happened, I can totally see he is not the man I fell in love with, that man was either never there in the first place or has been put back in the box he came from and will never be seen again but my heart still hurts so bad and I just wonder how much longer this pain will go on for???

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I don't know....never made it past 30 days & he always charms me back. The "cycles" get shorter & the pain gets more intense. I hold myself totally responsible for my part, well aware I'd go through some pain but no idea how much!!! I'd cut someone loose right away when I was single, never looked back.

 

I don't know if men who cheat come with certain wiring that's way colder than your average guy. A built in on/off switch or something?? That makes it that much harder for us I think. We're drawn to the "on.".

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I don't know....never made it past 30 days & he always charms me back. The "cycles" get shorter & the pain gets more intense. I hold myself totally responsible for my part, well aware I'd go through some pain but no idea how much!!! I'd cut someone loose right away when I was single, never looked back.

 

I don't know if men who cheat come with certain wiring that's way colder than your average guy. A built in on/off switch or something?? That makes it that much harder for us I think. We're drawn to the "on.".

 

Yeah this is the longest we've ever gone NC before and it was usually him who broke it by showing up at work but his W had never laid on the emotional manipulation of suicide before, she'd threatened but never done the deed....

Yep if this was a single guy I'd bin him big time and never look back but like you say...that bloody wiring is so true!

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I am so so sorry for the OW who must continue to see the MM at the work place (or try to avoid doing so) .. when they are trying to do NC and leave the relationship.. This must put even more of a burden on the healing.

 

Somehow I think many of us who have attached ourselves to these relationships - are In love with love. But please try to have faith in God .. to have faith in the future. This man was not the end of the world, he was just a man whom you built up higher than he should have been .. As you continue to leave the relationship (in the spirit) .. other avenues will be introduced to you life.. You do have hope and a bright future..

 

Take care, and more later ..

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ladydesigner

(((Hopeless4u))) It hurts bad. I never knew this kind of pain could exist either. I have been 8 months NC and while I am at a place of acceptance there are still days that creep up and hit me and I miss him. I don't know if that part will ever go away, I'm assuming with more time. I no longer cry and I do not long to see my XAP. I more or less always focus on how cold he was in the end as you have mentioned the "off" button.

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I am so so sorry for the OW who must continue to see the MM at the work place (or try to avoid doing so) .. when they are trying to do NC and leave the relationship.. This must put even more of a burden on the healing.

 

Somehow I think many of us who have attached ourselves to these relationships - are In love with love. But please try to have faith in God .. to have faith in the future. This man was not the end of the world, he was just a man whom you built up higher than he should have been .. As you continue to leave the relationship (in the spirit) .. other avenues will be introduced to you life.. You do have hope and a bright future..

 

Take care, and more later ..

 

Yeah working together is not good. I feel that even when I can wake up not thinking about him, (which seems never at the moment) I will think about him as soon as I get to work!!

It also makes it harder as a lot of people know about us at work (most thought he was seperated) so ask about him all the time...

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Yeah working together is not good. I feel that even when I can wake up not thinking about him, (which seems never at the moment) I will think about him as soon as I get to work!!

It also makes it harder as a lot of people know about us at work (most thought he was seperated) so ask about him all the time...

 

-------------------

 

You are so hurt and vulnerable right now.

 

I know this must sound easier said than done.. but can you try to do some things for yourself in your free hours? Those activities would consist of exercise, walking, classes, projects, decorating, cooking, flea markets - i.e. things you are interested in doing. These things could strengthen you so that you may be a lot less vulnerable to these forces in the workplace.. (In the olden days I left the job - but that is no longer as possible now, your job is too valuable) ..

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(((Hopeless4u))) It hurts bad. I never knew this kind of pain could exist either. I have been 8 months NC and while I am at a place of acceptance there are still days that creep up and hit me and I miss him. I don't know if that part will ever go away, I'm assuming with more time. I no longer cry and I do not long to see my XAP. I more or less always focus on how cold he was in the end as you have mentioned the "off" button.

 

I do still long to see him, every day I drive home I see the same model of his car(never realised before just how common it is!), I imagine he'll be parked outside my house to say sorry....it just goes on and on, 24/7, I've even been dreaming about him!!

I hate feeling like this, I've never felt pain like this either and I really don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.....

 

I'm off to Vegas with my 2 best friends in May and I'm hoping that will be my breakthrough....

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-------------------

 

You are so hurt and vulnerable right now.

 

I know this must sound easier said than done.. but can you try to do some things for yourself in your free hours? Those activities would consist of exercise, walking, classes, projects, decorating, cooking, flea markets - i.e. things you are interested in doing. These things could strengthen you so that you may be a lot less vulnerable to these forces in the workplace.. (In the olden days I left the job - but that is no longer as possible now, your job is too valuable) ..

 

Leaving my job isn't an option, its a good job and yes like you say, good jobs are too valuable.

The UK weather at the moment isn't helping (i'm not a fan of the cold) but when the summer gets here hopefully I can get out more. Thing is though I spent 2 yrs of my life with this man and we shared everything so everything triggers me in some way....the places we went, doing the garden together even just going for a walk!!

I know it will get better, I just feel so empty right now, like I've lost my fire.....

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If you could find a way to stop blaming his wife and put the blame directly on the shoulders of the person who caused you the pain *him*, it might get easier. I think you might be stuck because you haven't really accepted that he did this to you.

 

His wife did not do this to you. She is probably in her own private hell right now.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting.

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Yes I agree with the posters above.. You have endured an unnecessary rejection ..

 

Please try to remember the Whole woman that you are .. too big and complete to fit into the leftover fraction of another's life..

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If you could find a way to stop blaming his wife and put the blame directly on the shoulders of the person who caused you the pain *him*, it might get easier. I think you might be stuck because you haven't really accepted that he did this to you.

 

His wife did not do this to you. She is probably in her own private hell right now.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting.

 

Yeah I get that blaming his W isn't helping, I don't blame her for the situation but I do blame her for keep dragging me back in when it suits her and yes I do understand she is hurting and have tried my best to do the right thing since DDay#1,2 and 3...

I have never been nasty or spiteful to her and I truly do blame him for the way he has treated me but I also think her taking an OD and then ringing him to tell him is manipulative and selfish.

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Yeah I get that blaming his W isn't helping, I don't blame her for the situation but I do blame her for keep dragging me back in when it suits her and yes I do understand she is hurting and have tried my best to do the right thing since DDay#1,2 and 3...

I have never been nasty or spiteful to her and I truly do blame him for the way he has treated me but I also think her taking an OD and then ringing him to tell him is manipulative and selfish.

 

It's still early yet and the pain is fresh. Just keep moving along. Your holiday will probably help. You know this won't last forever and you will heal.

 

About the suicide attempt... You don't know if she really wanted to die, if she changed her mind after taking the pills, or if she was trying to emotionally manipulate him. You just can't know what was going on with her at that moment. I don't think it helps you to believe that he is with his wife out of pity even if that is what he wants you to believe.

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ladydesigner
I do still long to see him, every day I drive home I see the same model of his car(never realised before just how common it is!), I imagine he'll be parked outside my house to say sorry....it just goes on and on, 24/7, I've even been dreaming about him!!

I hate feeling like this, I've never felt pain like this either and I really don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.....

 

I'm off to Vegas with my 2 best friends in May and I'm hoping that will be my breakthrough....

 

It's still early on. Give yourself time to grieve. It is totally normal in what you are feeling. You loved him and it will take some time to heal from all of this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel you just can't see it yet. You will get there. Just know that you will.

 

Have a blast in Vegas and keep surrounding yourself with friends. My friends were some of my biggest help in healing.

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I have to agree with this in a way. Sometimes, to get over the hurt you just have to get mad.

Why aren't you angry about how he treated you?

 

I have been angry and I wish I could stay angry as its easier than feeling how I do right now...its just been this last week that I've gotten all tearful again.

Its like I go through stages of hating him, hating me and then just hating how I feel....thats when the tears come I guess.

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It's still early yet and the pain is fresh. Just keep moving along. Your holiday will probably help. You know this won't last forever and you will heal.

 

About the suicide attempt... You don't know if she really wanted to die, if she changed her mind after taking the pills, or if she was trying to emotionally manipulate him. You just can't know what was going on with her at that moment. I don't think it helps you to believe that he is with his wife out of pity even if that is what he wants you to believe.

 

I know I'm just going through the motions but sometimes it gets heavy, very heavy...

She has done this before, 20yrs ago....she knows he won't go anywhere because the 'family' would never forgive him but yes you are right it doesn't help me thinking like that, it does make me angry though.

 

I know I have no right in their life, I get that but the 1 thing I have always said is that I would never use his emotions to keep him.

 

His biggest problem when we were together was how much it hurt me when we tried to go NC, he always said it was the pain I went through that kept him coming back so this time I've hidden my pain, not once told him I couldn't and still can't eat, sleep and think about this 24/7.

 

I have always and still do want him to make the right decision for the right reasons because as much as he has put me through I want him to be happy, even if that happiness isn't with me. Thats why I get angry with the suicide attempt...sorry if that sounds wrong....

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I have always and still do want him to make the right decision for the right reasons because as much as he has put me through I want him to be happy, even if that happiness isn't with me. Thats why I get angry with the suicide attempt...sorry if that sounds wrong....

 

If you are still waiting for him to make the right decision for the right reasons, then I think you are stuck. Try to work out that it doesn't matter if he made the wrong decision for the wrong reason. It really doesn't matter why. All that matters is he did make a decision for whatever reason he decided.

 

I'm not judging your feelings about the suicide attempt. I'm just trying to help you not focus on her because we really don't know why she did it. I really do believe that once you get angry with him for hurting you, you will be on your way to healing. As long as your still waiting, you will be stuck.

 

((hopeless))

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It's still early on. Give yourself time to grieve. It is totally normal in what you are feeling. You loved him and it will take some time to heal from all of this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel you just can't see it yet. You will get there. Just know that you will.

 

Have a blast in Vegas and keep surrounding yourself with friends. My friends were some of my biggest help in healing.

 

I think because I have had days where I feel positive about the future (usually the days I'm angry) when I have days like these it throws me because I thought things where getting better.

I only have tomorrow at work then 4 days off so that will help.

Its my friends birthday (1 who will be in Vegas) on Sat so we're out for that and I have plans to stay busy so hopefully this is just a part of the process and will pass...

 

My 2 best girlfriends (going to Vegas with them) are just the best, I really don't know what I would do without them...they are my rock!

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If you are still waiting for him to make the right decision for the right reasons, then I think you are stuck. Try to work out that it doesn't matter if he made the wrong decision for the wrong reason. It really doesn't matter why. All that matters is he did make a decision for whatever reason he decided.

 

I'm not judging your feelings about the suicide attempt. I'm just trying to help you not focus on her because we really don't know why she did it. I really do believe that once you get angry with him for hurting you, you will be on your way to healing. As long as your still waiting, you will be stuck.

 

((hopeless))

 

Yeah you are right about me waiting for him to make some sort of decision and you are also right that its holding me back in getting over all this.

 

My head says f*ck him and I believe that in my head but my heart just keeps on hurting and bringing me right back to the misery!

 

I know the suicide attempt could of been a genuine cry for help and sometimes I hate myself for thinking badly of her for doing it but my sister has been throwing pills down her throat for the last 25yrs and then telling everyone to manipulate so I guess thats just history making me who I am when it comes to stuff like that...not proud of that but unfortunately its how I feel...

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ladydesigner
I think because I have had days where I feel positive about the future (usually the days I'm angry) when I have days like these it throws me because I thought things where getting better.

I only have tomorrow at work then 4 days off so that will help.

Its my friends birthday (1 who will be in Vegas) on Sat so we're out for that and I have plans to stay busy so hopefully this is just a part of the process and will pass...

 

My 2 best girlfriends (going to Vegas with them) are just the best, I really don't know what I would do without them...they are my rock!

 

I sooo know what you are talking about here. It's maddening. I STILL have days that throw me off and it has been almost 2 years since I have actually seen my XAP. So sad. I used to think I was a lot stronger than this. I think whoever is more attached in these A's definitely pays the price. I will never forget this part of my life and how painful this journey has been. It also has been one of the greatest learning experiences about myself as well. i am a different person now, a much stronger person. I will hopefully never make this choice again...to embark on an A.

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I sooo know what you are talking about here. It's maddening. I STILL have days that throw me off and it has been almost 2 years since I have actually seen my XAP. So sad. I used to think I was a lot stronger than this. I think whoever is more attached in these A's definitely pays the price. I will never forget this part of my life and how painful this journey has been. It also has been one of the greatest learning experiences about myself as well. i am a different person now, a much stronger person. I will hopefully never make this choice again...to embark on an A.

 

Yeah LD I have always been a strong and logical person, my downfall with xMM as he has always said I could handle things, his W couldn't...how wrong was he!

 

I think there is part of me that thinks he is a complete ba*tard but that little bit of me that says 'well he's doing exactly what I asked him to do' sorting his life out....just the bit in between that hurts I guess, there was never any reason for him to treat me like he did.

 

The only thing I ever did wrong was to tell his W the truth, unfortunately my truth wasn't the same as 'his' truth....

 

I was hit on a couple of times when I was out for my birthday last week and the 1st thing I asked was 'are you M?' haha. Me too, never, ever again will I put myself through this pain!!

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WhereToGoFromHere
Yes I agree with the posters above.. You have endured an unnecessary rejection ..

 

Please try to remember the Whole woman that you are .. too big and complete to fit into the leftover fraction of another's life..

 

I'll second that! Nicely said! You deserve to be someone else's everything. Don't settle. Yeah now if I could just follow my own advice, huh?

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whichwayisup

You have to actively want to get over him and push yourself hard to get over what you feel for him..Get rid of the fantasy side, the man you 'thought' he was. He doesn't exist.

 

Keep as busy as possible and don't ever allow yourself to 'think about him' fantasize, remember the good times, how he made you feel.

 

Fight the feelings and distract yourself.

 

Still think you need to start looking for another job..

 

Anyway, stay strong.

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I'll second that! Nicely said! You deserve to be someone else's everything. Don't settle. Yeah now if I could just follow my own advice, huh?

 

Yeah If only we could follow our own advice the world would be an easier place to live in....I won't settle, I promise, I want to be someone else's everything and I will be, right?

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You have to actively want to get over him and push yourself hard to get over what you feel for him..Get rid of the fantasy side, the man you 'thought' he was. He doesn't exist.

 

Keep as busy as possible and don't ever allow yourself to 'think about him' fantasize, remember the good times, how he made you feel.

 

Fight the feelings and distract yourself.

 

Still think you need to start looking for another job..

 

Anyway, stay strong.

 

I do want to get past this, I have friends who will listen and answer me honestly and I don't pretend to myself he is this wonderful man.

 

I have actually said that the man I fell in love with isn't the man who has made me feel like this, that man either never existed or has been put back in his box never to be seen again...

 

I still have no desire to contact him, that has never really been an issue, its just the last week I've been 'thinking', not good I know...I have even dreamt of him the last few nights!!!!

 

I would love to be able to find another job but I have a good job and it would be very hard to match it, my son goes to university in Septemper so I need my job and the benifits that go with it for at least the next 3 yrs. xMM may have wrecked my life but I will not let him wreck my sons...

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