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I broke the (ow) unwritten "rule"


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my A as we knew it ended the night i called xmm w and told her of the A. this followed a huge fight (one of many that month) and my reaction was to hurt him as much as he did me. I was sure the only way to do this was to out the A and by doing so I knew I'd end the A also. I knew this was what i ultimately wanted as our A had ran its course but we were too embedded to remove ourselves. we of course loved each other but and shared a very strong bond.

 

after i outed xmm to his w he and i went NC for a few months and he told me that he and w were separated. our "involvement" resumed although at first he was hesitant to trust i wouldn't out him again so he attempted to keep things between us on a "friendship" level. i questioned why would he be concerned about outing if he was separted and he insisted he that if he D he didn't want to to make things worse by flaunting our R. The dynamics of our involvement was the same but its was now defined as a "friendship". after a few months more of sneaking around, lying and going underground with our involvement, w found a text in his phone to me.

 

she confronted me and told me that they were NOT separated and i in turned told her of our continued involvement. mm and w DID separate following outing#2 and he and i resumed our involvement. i tried to assure me that he was sorry for lying and that he justs wants to move on and not lie or hurt anyone. i told him that if he wanted to R with his w at anytime to just be honest, he insisted it was OVER and got angry when i brought it up. my gut began screaming at me that something was off, and xmm became more persistent as i backed off. i told him he should go and work on his m and he again insisted that wasnt going to happen and asked if WE could move forward.

 

weeks later after badgering xmm to tell me whats going on he finally tells me that he and w are going to work things out. i would have respected him IF he hadn't lied to the very end or until he got w to agree to R or vice versa. i didnt feel jilted because at that point he was NOT who i thought he was. he showed his weakness and was simply pitiful to look at. he was not the man i had an A with he was pretending the entire time to be what he was NOT.

 

so basically during a final convo with his w she discovered that her H did in fact love me enough to betray and disrespect her to epic proportions and that if it werent for the fact that i outed him he would still be with me. i also told her that i was done with him and she can have him back. i told her that was why during their TRUE separation, i wouldn't sleep with him or make contact with him. i had a feeling he was lying.

 

she confirmed and admitted he lied to her as well. it was more than obvious xmm was trying to use me as his alternative in the event that w didn't want to R. now does this make me feel bad? well of course but im sure its not nearly as much of a blow as finding out that your h had more than just a ONS, he lived another life,loving,caring and providing for ow and that he lied, decieved and manipulated you for 4yrs. and flaunted ow around town in front of friends and FAMILY.

 

so yes i feel hurt that i was intended as the alternative but i am HAPPY that i found out what kind of man he is NOT and i CAN move on but the foundation of his M is forever changed. his w may think she has won a fabulous prize or that she won a sick competition but the fact is, i opened an email account that i set up for him some time ago and that w is unaware of and he has signed up for several dating sites 1 week after their supposed to be "working" on their M. how's THAT for a "prize"?!!

 

well all Thanks for letting me get this out and for reading my story. I suspect i will get a myriad of views and all are welcomed.

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bentnotbroken
:lmao::lmao:You would have respected him if he had just told the truth:lmao::lmao:. A liar telling the truth. I suppose it might happen, but why would you expect that from someone you helped deceive his wife? Really, why would you expect something different than he was giving her? He showed you his level of respect for one woman in his life. :confused:
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IfWishesWereHorses

his w may think she has won a fabulous prize or that she won a sick competition but the fact is, i opened an email account that i set up for him some time ago and that w is unaware of and he has signed up for several dating sites 1 week after their supposed to be "working" on their M. how's THAT for a "prize"?!!

 

His wife didn't sign up for a competition or to "win" anything. She was put into that position by two very selfish people. MM showed you exactly who he was and what he was capable of by his involvement with you to begin with. He's no prize for sure but apparently he's quite good at targeting women who are willing play into his whims. Seems you can't swing a dead cat without hitting one of those types these days.

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Hello Franie.. I am so glad that you have found yourself and to be on the Other side of this ..

 

The MM that do this appear to be users - and your observation that you were the "alternate" .. was a good one.. An obvious cheater (and lining himself up on diff singles' sights) .. Seems like these men are afraid to be alone, or without a Woman.. That is why they must have "alternates" ? .. All this time I have been thinking that the OW is Used as mastic for his life - when actually she is also an alternate ..

 

Again, you are the lucky one - for you have become an overcomer, and on the other side of this trap.

 

Take care..

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greengoddess

I never quite understood how the OW can get so angry. She knows he is a liar. She knows his character is not exemplarary since he is seeing her. She knows he is MARRIED. What exactly did you expect to happen when you got involved with a married man???? You knew he lied to his wife to see you. Why would you expect anything different from him? You knew his character going into this.

 

At least you told his wife.

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Thank you all so very much for your support and yes you are right; his w was not in a competition, at least not one that she signed up for. I know now that xmm is not a prize and nor am I but I am working on myself and asking God for his mercy and forgiveness for hurting his w and yes my H(sorry i didn't mention i was M at the time but living away from my H). I have clarity now and see that this was a very toxic situation to be in and wish so much that i hadn't taken that route. I am now a advocate in discouraging women in becoming the ow.

 

mine was a classic A that ended with everyone involved being hurt. I don't know what his life or M is like post A(a year ago) but I for one am still licking my wounds and cleaning up the huge mess i made of my life. I also feel stupid that I still think of this time in my life when there is a slight chance that xmm and w have moved on although i doubt it.

 

I am now on a personal crusade to save other women from entering a A with a mm or commited man. no matter how much you may love him or he loves you....love each other enough to let him/her do the honorable thing and recommit to their spouse and/or dissolve the m BEFORE you and he/she can be together in the light of day rather than a dirty secret only to be kept in the dark......you/I are worth so much more.

 

In all honesty, i expected to bashed for outing xmm and although i may deserve a bashing for hurting his w i honestly think in some very little aspect i did her and my husband a favor because i not only outed the A to his W i also confessed to my H. my confession i think is the BIGGEST thing that saved my M. I had already disrespected and violated my H but I was determined not to let him hear that his w was a slut/whore/adulteress/ow from anyone other than myself. unfortunatley xmm did not give his w this small grain of protection and even tried to cover his a$$ further. the same night i outed him xmm called me to apologize(and smooth things over) for upsetting me unbeknowst to him this was during the conversation i was having with his w.

 

Thanks again for all of your replies

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Woman In Blue
she confronted me and told me that they were NOT separated and i in turned told her of our continued involvement. mm and w DID separate following outing#2 and he and i resumed our involvement.

After BLATANTLY being lied to and tricked by this piece of garbage into believing he was separated, why would you resume anything with him after you found out you'd been conned? Has he ever told the truth to ANYONE in his whole, pitiful life?

 

i told him that if he wanted to R with his w at anytime to just be honest, he insisted it was OVER and got angry when i brought it up. my gut began screaming at me that something was off, and xmm became more persistent as i backed off. i told him he should go and work on his m and he again insisted that wasnt going to happen and asked if WE could move forward.

Franie, the simple truth is that this man doesn't even know what honesty IS.

 

i would have respected him IF he hadn't lied to the very end or until he got w to agree to R or vice versa.

He's lied to you numerous times before and you let him right back into your life, knowing how he'd conned you. Why was this LAST time any different? I still don't understand how you had ANY respect for this lying con man at ALL as he'd duped you MANY times before this last time. Did he have to do it 4 times or 8 times or 12 times before you'd finally lose respect for this worthless maggot?

 

so basically during a final convo with his w she discovered that her H did in fact love me enough to betray and disrespect her to epic proportions

That's where you're wrong. He loved HIMSELF so damned much that he was willing to completely disrespect his wife, kids and marriage AND lie to you and con you OVER AND OVER AND OVER simply to fulfill some need that only HE understands. It has nothing to do with love and EVERYTHING to do with him being a selfish a*sshole, plain and simple.

 

so yes i feel hurt that i was intended as the alternative but i am HAPPY that i found out what kind of man he is NOT and i CAN move on

Franie, you didn't NEED to go through all this garbage for 4+ years to figure out WHAT kind of a man he is. He SHOWED you what kind of person he was the MOMENT you found out he was ok with lying to his wife and cheating on her 4+ years ago. It's no great mystery - you knew he was a snake years ago.

 

his w may think she has won a fabulous prize or that she won a sick competition

Franie, YOU were willing to make great sacrfices and lie and sneak and deceive everyone for YEARS in the hopes that this con artist would be 'yours,' and YOU thought he was a prize until you found out ONCE AGAIN that you'd been conned, so why shouldn't his wife feel like you did? In truth, I highly doubt she thinks this loser is a prize at ALL, so you shouldn't assume to know what she's thinking. If she's smart, she'll toss this complete waste of skin right out to the curb right along with the weekly trash. That's about all he's worth.

 

but the fact is, i opened an email account that i set up for him some time ago and that w is unaware of and he has signed up for several dating sites 1 week after their supposed to be "working" on their M. how's THAT for a "prize"?!!

Surely you're not suprised that the con man is ONCE AGAIN looking to con someone else, are you? I think you really need to re-think what you said earlier about him "loving you so much that he was willing to disrespect his wife and marriage" because I'll repeat it again - it had nothing to do with LOVE for you. And him on a dating site just proves that fact, doesn't it? If it weren't YOU he was screwing around with for the last 4 years, it would have been someone else. You need to face that fact.

 

Look, I'm NOT a BW - I'm a former OW. So this opinion is NOT coming from a place of anger, jealousy or bitterness. But I'm always amazed at what precious little women will settle for from these creeps - and then cry "foul" when things don't turn out the way they'd imagined.

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Confused Lady

How do you know you were the only OW? If he was trolling "dating sites", I guarantee you there are (were) others. I also guarantee that he lied to you. Cheaters do that. They're very good at it.

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How do you know you were the only OW? If he was trolling "dating sites", I guarantee you there are (were) others. I also guarantee that he lied to you. Cheaters do that. They're very good at it.

 

I agree with this analysis here. He sounds like such a selfish narcissist and men like him crave the attention as badly as Lindsay Lohan does. I kind of admire your head-on way of confronting and ending things; yes, incredibly painful for this involved but there's a lot to be said for full disclosure. It may break hearts but I for one would rather get over and deal with the harsh truth than the sugar coated lies.

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Franie, You say that you are still married? Your husband is either the biggest fool or most saintly person on earth. I wouldn't take you back on a bet. I really think that you and the MM should stay together, you deserve each other. You lied and disrespected your H as much and as cruelly as the MM did his wife. So how are you any better? I don't mean to be judgemental but both of you did the same thing, so how are his "sins',any worse than yours? Please answer me that?

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my A as we knew it ended the night i called xmm w and told her of the A. this followed a huge fight (one of many that month) and my reaction was to hurt him as much as he did me. I was sure the only way to do this was to out the A and by doing so I knew I'd end the A also. I knew this was what i ultimately wanted as our A had ran its course but we were too embedded to remove ourselves. we of course loved each other but and shared a very strong bond.

 

after i outed xmm to his w he and i went NC for a few months and he told me that he and w were separated. our "involvement" resumed although at first he was hesitant to trust i wouldn't out him again so he attempted to keep things between us on a "friendship" level. i questioned why would he be concerned about outing if he was separted and he insisted he that if he D he didn't want to to make things worse by flaunting our R. The dynamics of our involvement was the same but its was now defined as a "friendship". after a few months more of sneaking around, lying and going underground with our involvement, w found a text in his phone to me.

 

she confronted me and told me that they were NOT separated and i in turned told her of our continued involvement. mm and w DID separate following outing#2 and he and i resumed our involvement. i tried to assure me that he was sorry for lying and that he justs wants to move on and not lie or hurt anyone. i told him that if he wanted to R with his w at anytime to just be honest, he insisted it was OVER and got angry when i brought it up. my gut began screaming at me that something was off, and xmm became more persistent as i backed off. i told him he should go and work on his m and he again insisted that wasnt going to happen and asked if WE could move forward.

 

weeks later after badgering xmm to tell me whats going on he finally tells me that he and w are going to work things out. i would have respected him IF he hadn't lied to the very end or until he got w to agree to R or vice versa. i didnt feel jilted because at that point he was NOT who i thought he was. he showed his weakness and was simply pitiful to look at. he was not the man i had an A with he was pretending the entire time to be what he was NOT.

 

so basically during a final convo with his w she discovered that her H did in fact love me enough to betray and disrespect her to epic proportions and that if it werent for the fact that i outed him he would still be with me. i also told her that i was done with him and she can have him back. i told her that was why during their TRUE separation, i wouldn't sleep with him or make contact with him. i had a feeling he was lying.

 

she confirmed and admitted he lied to her as well. it was more than obvious xmm was trying to use me as his alternative in the event that w didn't want to R. now does this make me feel bad? well of course but im sure its not nearly as much of a blow as finding out that your h had more than just a ONS, he lived another life,loving,caring and providing for ow and that he lied, decieved and manipulated you for 4yrs. and flaunted ow around town in front of friends and FAMILY.

 

so yes i feel hurt that i was intended as the alternative but i am HAPPY that i found out what kind of man he is NOT and i CAN move on but the foundation of his M is forever changed. his w may think she has won a fabulous prize or that she won a sick competition but the fact is, i opened an email account that i set up for him some time ago and that w is unaware of and he has signed up for several dating sites 1 week after their supposed to be "working" on their M. how's THAT for a "prize"?!!

 

well all Thanks for letting me get this out and for reading my story. I suspect i will get a myriad of views and all are welcomed.

 

 

I'm sorry I am missing something here. What happened? Why didn't you and MM move in together when he and his wife first split?

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Franie, You say that you are still married? Your husband is either the biggest fool or most saintly person on earth. I wouldn't take you back on a bet. I really think that you and the MM should stay together, you deserve each other. You lied and disrespected your H as much and as cruelly as the MM did his wife. So how are you any better? I don't mean to be judgemental but both of you did the same thing, so how are his "sins',any worse than yours? Please answer me that?

 

 

OMG, you are married too? Well, how is MM any different for staying in his marriage when you are staying in yours but in love with MM? What is the difference in your situations?

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Franie, You say that you are still married? Your husband is either the biggest fool or most saintly person on earth. I wouldn't take you back on a bet. I really think that you and the MM should stay together, you deserve each other. You lied and disrespected your H as much and as cruelly as the MM did his wife. So how are you any better? I don't mean to be judgemental but both of you did the same thing, so how are his "sins',any worse than yours? Please answer me that?

 

Sure Joe and no offense taken. I agree with you 100% but what alot of people don't realize when placing opinions especially on A is everything is NOT black and white. There were profound reasons (none of which justify cheating) that I entered the A to begin with. I have always prided myself on being a good wife and mother and would have NEVER in a million years thought I would be a ow!! I was and am the everyday typical soccer mom, carpools and all. I could be the one you would LEAST expect to be the ow and yet here I am(was). I am ashamed and very remorseful for what i have done and in no way am saying that i deserve any less judgement than xmm BUT my sins are my own and so shall i carry the burden of my own sins as xmm shall carry HIS. does this answer your question?

 

thanks for your reply

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I'm sorry I am missing something here. What happened? Why didn't you and MM move in together when he and his wife first split?

 

because i lived in the home with my children and was not going to expose them to a MM living in our home

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OMG, you are married too? Well, how is MM any different for staying in his marriage when you are staying in yours but in love with MM? What is the difference in your situations?

 

See there is the confusion.....I didn't expect xmm NOT to stay in his M and even asked him to do go and work on his M but he LIED and insisted that he was not interested in that and even suggested that we could transition into a real relationship. he hid behind the new "friendship" title and would call and harass me non stop while he was separated. i no longer wanted a relationship with him at that point because i felt something was off but he persisted and i entertained him.....silly me!

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Franie, I'm an Ex-OM so I really am not in a position to judge. Thanks for your answers. The longer I'm on LS, the more I feel sorry for the BS'S.

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How do you know you were the only OW? If he was trolling "dating sites", I guarantee you there are (were) others. I also guarantee that he lied to you. Cheaters do that. They're very good at it.

 

Confused, I don't doubt this! during the last convo i had with his W in an attempt to retaliate she blurted out that she didn't care what we(ow) thought of her.

 

so that was her way of letting me know there were possibly more ow. I hate to say it but at that point she was the fool because I NOT married to him so he wasnt cheating on me! and at this point i could care less if he has a harem of ow, i just Thank God I have a clean bill of health and am able to move on with my life.

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Franie, You say that you are still married? Your husband is either the biggest fool or most saintly person on earth. I wouldn't take you back on a bet. I really think that you and the MM should stay together, you deserve each other. You lied and disrespected your H as much and as cruelly as the MM did his wife. So how are you any better? I don't mean to be judgemental but both of you did the same thing, so how are his "sins',any worse than yours? Please answer me that?

 

-----------------------

 

Difference is: She has repented Joe ... i.e. confessed, turned away from it, and trying to rebuild her life ...

 

(I could think of other threads where you could be of help: Those where they brag of breaking up, or being in the marriage, and resume w bashing the wife ..)

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Just because the BS stays doesn't make her a fool. The fool is her H who used the fact that she loves him enough to stick it out and try again and again to continue to have multiple affairs. Your H chooses to work at your marriage after your 'confession', do you think him a fool also? Or are you just glad to have a second chance at making your marriage work? if the former, then isn't that applying double standards to BS and her H and their marriage?

You say you're on a crusade to inform people about A's, yet, and I may be reading it wrong, but your language sounds like you are just peed off at MM and have no respect for the BW.

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Just because the BS stays doesn't make her a fool. The fool is her H who used the fact that she loves him enough to stick it out and try again and again to continue to have multiple affairs. Your H chooses to work at your marriage after your 'confession', do you think him a fool also? Or are you just glad to have a second chance at making your marriage work? if the former, then isn't that applying double standards to BS and her H and their marriage?

You say you're on a crusade to inform people about A's, yet, and I may be reading it wrong, but your language sounds like you are just peed off at MM and have no respect for the BW.

 

no not peed off....at least not anymore but you may have detected my tone correctly. i AM however peed off with myself. again i will say everything in these sitch are not black and white. i am also a BS so my and I gave each other the gift of reconciliation. are we both fools? that remains to be seen.....

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fooled once
Thank you all so very much for your support and yes you are right; his w was not in a competition, at least not one that she signed up for. I know now that xmm is not a prize and nor am I but I am working on myself and asking God for his mercy and forgiveness for hurting his w and yes my H(sorry i didn't mention i was M at the time but living away from my H). I have clarity now and see that this was a very toxic situation to be in and wish so much that i hadn't taken that route. I am now a advocate in discouraging women in becoming the ow.

 

mine was a classic A that ended with everyone involved being hurt. I don't know what his life or M is like post A(a year ago) but I for one am still licking my wounds and cleaning up the huge mess i made of my life. I also feel stupid that I still think of this time in my life when there is a slight chance that xmm and w have moved on although i doubt it.

 

I am now on a personal crusade to save other women from entering a A with a mm or commited man. no matter how much you may love him or he loves you....love each other enough to let him/her do the honorable thing and recommit to their spouse and/or dissolve the m BEFORE you and he/she can be together in the light of day rather than a dirty secret only to be kept in the dark......you/I are worth so much more.

 

In all honesty, i expected to bashed for outing xmm and although i may deserve a bashing for hurting his w i honestly think in some very little aspect i did her and my husband a favor because i not only outed the A to his W i also confessed to my H. my confession i think is the BIGGEST thing that saved my M. I had already disrespected and violated my H but I was determined not to let him hear that his w was a slut/whore/adulteress/ow from anyone other than myself. unfortunatley xmm did not give his w this small grain of protection and even tried to cover his a$$ further. the same night i outed him xmm called me to apologize(and smooth things over) for upsetting me unbeknowst to him this was during the conversation i was having with his w.

 

Thanks again for all of your replies

 

your first post almost sounded as if you were irritated that his wife took him back, yet you kept taking him back time and time again.

 

Did you tell your H everything --- all of it? Or did you hold back anything? Were you as 'open and honest' with him as you were with the MM's wife?

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fooled once
Sure Joe and no offense taken. I agree with you 100% but what alot of people don't realize when placing opinions especially on A is everything is NOT black and white. There were profound reasons (none of which justify cheating) that I entered the A to begin with. I have always prided myself on being a good wife and mother and would have NEVER in a million years thought I would be a ow!! I was and am the everyday typical soccer mom, carpools and all. I could be the one you would LEAST expect to be the ow and yet here I am(was). I am ashamed and very remorseful for what i have done and in no way am saying that i deserve any less judgement than xmm BUT my sins are my own and so shall i carry the burden of my own sins as xmm shall carry HIS. does this answer your question?

 

thanks for your reply

 

No one said they were black and white -- but I think most people do know right from wrong.

 

Profound reasons to cheat? Can you elaborate? Is it "my H doesn't listen to me", "my H cheated", "my H didn't xxx". Those aren't profound reasons to cheat .. in fact, I can't think of a single reason that would be a profound reason to cheat.

 

Seems like though, you can't let go of the A. You are still checking an email account. I think you wish he WOULD come back to you so you can continue on with the affair.

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your first post almost sounded as if you were irritated that his wife took him back, yet you kept taking him back time and time again.

 

Did you tell your H everything --- all of it? Or did you hold back anything? Were you as 'open and honest' with him as you were with the MM's wife?

 

Fooled, first of all i am not irritated that his w took him back, let's remember if I wanted the A to continue i would not have outed him. I am M and did not ever intend to leave my H for xmm so your speculations are off based but appreciated. Of course i took him back several times basically for the same reason he kept in contact with me after i outed him and after his W's knowledge! we were BOTH deeply embedded in this addiction and it was hard to extricate ourselves.

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No one said they were black and white -- but I think most people do know right from wrong.

 

Profound reasons to cheat? Can you elaborate? Is it "my H doesn't listen to me", "my H cheated", "my H didn't xxx". Those aren't profound reasons to cheat .. in fact, I can't think of a single reason that would be a profound reason to cheat.

 

Seems like though, you can't let go of the A. You are still checking an email account. I think you wish he WOULD come back to you so you can continue on with the affair.

 

I deliberatley didn't devulge that information but i will tell you this much, why i allowed myself to engage in is what i must live with regardless of anyone's opinion of the reasons i chose to do so.

 

again your assumptions are Waaaay off based here; I have so let go but was merely sharing my story. this all occured(including checking the email account) over a year ago. i have let go of the A but not the guilt if that makes any sense to you but again Thanks for your thoughts

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I think you wish he WOULD come back to you so you can continue on with the affair.

 

I will be respectful here and rather than tell you what I really think about this ignorant statement, I will simply say.....Thanks for caring so much.:rolleyes:

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