Jump to content

Go with your gut?


Recommended Posts

Confused Lady

Hi all.....here is my story:

 

I had an affair with a friend that lasted over a year. (We're both married) It was always hot and cold, one minute he wanted it the next day he didn't. It was strictly for sex. (He had had a previous affair too) I started to get emotionally attached to him and he told me he didn't feel the same. We tried to end it numerous times, only to go back to the sex. We eventually did end it, but then I found out he had an account on the AM site. (So obviously he still wanted an affair.) He ended up deleting it because I called him on it.

 

Fast forward to today: We have a mutual friend that has hinted to me in the past how cute he is and how she'd love to sleep with him. I went to visit him one day at work for lunch and she was there. It was obvious she didn't want me there. (They were alone) The tension was so thick, you could've cut it with a knife. My gut told me that something was going on between them. (She denies it as does he) What do you think? Should I listen to my gut?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Who cares?

I mean, really, why does it matter?

He's a serial cheater, and he's in it purely for the sex.

You are done with him.

What does it matter to you whether she's balling him or not?

Now you know what kinda guy he is, be glad you're out of it.

 

What you should be feeling in your gut is "Ugh! Thank goodness I didn't waste any more of my life on him than I already did!"

 

Leave them to it.

Sounds like in a while, she'll be crying on your shoulder, anyways....

Link to post
Share on other sites

I know this is going to sound hypocritical as I too have played the role of the OP, but is your gut not telling you to just get out of that situation full stop? He sounds like a rogue, if I'm honest. You care for him, so I think the best thing for you to do is run away. Run far away.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Get away from both of them! Why put yourself through the torture? Stay awY from him, he sounds like a jerk & kind of a sociopath for not considering anyone's feelings. He'll piss someone off soon enough & they'll let his W know. Sounds totally disrespectful & careless. On the upside for you, he can't reciprocate those feelings to anyne, so I wouldn't take that personally.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fallen Angel

I can't say it any better than the previous three ladies already have.

 

Run for the hills, and either fix your marriage or divorce. But don't become a bunny-boiler. he has made it obvious he does not want to be in a relationship with you, leave him alone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi all.....here is my story:

 

I had an affair with a friend that lasted over a year. (We're both married) It was always hot and cold, one minute he wanted it the next day he didn't. It was strictly for sex. (He had had a previous affair too) I started to get emotionally attached to him and he told me he didn't feel the same. We tried to end it numerous times, only to go back to the sex. We eventually did end it, but then I found out he had an account on the AM site. (So obviously he still wanted an affair.) He ended up deleting it because I called him on it.

 

Fast forward to today: We have a mutual friend that has hinted to me in the past how cute he is and how she'd love to sleep with him. I went to visit him one day at work for lunch and she was there. It was obvious she didn't want me there. (They were alone) The tension was so thick, you could've cut it with a knife. My gut told me that something was going on between them. (She denies it as does he) What do you think? Should I listen to my gut?

 

Always go with your gut! Run! He is trawling the waters for his next sexual dalliance. Run far away!

Link to post
Share on other sites
White Flower
Hi all.....here is my story:

 

I had an affair with a friend that lasted over a year. (We're both married) It was always hot and cold, one minute he wanted it the next day he didn't. It was strictly for sex. (He had had a previous affair too) I started to get emotionally attached to him and he told me he didn't feel the same. We tried to end it numerous times, only to go back to the sex. We eventually did end it, but then I found out he had an account on the AM site. (So obviously he still wanted an affair.) He ended up deleting it because I called him on it.

 

Fast forward to today: We have a mutual friend that has hinted to me in the past how cute he is and how she'd love to sleep with him. I went to visit him one day at work for lunch and she was there. It was obvious she didn't want me there. (They were alone) The tension was so thick, you could've cut it with a knife. My gut told me that something was going on between them. (She denies it as does he) What do you think? Should I listen to my gut?

You should always listen to your gut.

 

Sweetie, this guy is a serial cheater. Trust me, I know about them. If he is relatively young (under 60) he is not going to give this up for a very long time unless he is in hard-core counseling and WANTS to get help. He may have SA (sex-addiction) or other issues that drive him to keep this lifestyle up.

 

The thing is, even if you follow your gut, he doesn't care. He wants sex on the side with as many as he can get and the truth is, he was honest with you re his feelings toward you. You cannot hold him to anything just because you fell in love with him. OTOH, if he promised you some kind of long-term R and exclusivity then you could throw that in his face but how far will that get you? In the end, he'll find a way to gaslight you in order to have a stab at your friend and anyone else he finds at AM.

 

Great big hugs to you. I know this is awful news. Oh, and dump the hell out of your so-called friend.

Link to post
Share on other sites
White Flower
I agree with TM (as usual :))

sure, they are doing it. You wanted more, he didn't, so he went on to the next girl he could treat like a piece of a$$.

Work on your M and be glad you're no longer a part of this jerk's mess.

It's sad though. I feel for his W as he will get caught eventually

If he is good at it, he will never get caught.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You should always listen to your gut.

 

Sweetie, this guy is a serial cheater. Trust me, I know about them. If he is relatively young (under 60) he is not going to give this up for a very long time unless he is in hard-core counseling and WANTS to get help. He may have SA (sex-addiction) or other issues that drive him to keep this lifestyle up.

While I personally believe that "sex addiction" is a general term bandied about a good bit too much, I agree with this 100%. This guy's after something, and it's nothing to do with the "My wife doesn't understand me" plaintive cry. It's got more to do with Predator, in my view....

 

The thing is, even if you follow your gut, he doesn't care. He wants sex on the side with as many as he can get and the truth is, he was honest with you re his feelings toward you. You cannot hold him to anything just because you fell in love with him. OTOH, if he promised you some kind of long-term R and exclusivity then you could throw that in his face but how far will that get you? In the end, he'll find a way to gaslight you in order to have a stab at your friend and anyone else he finds at AM.

This too sums him up nicely.... yech....

 

 

(. . .)I know this is awful news. Oh, and dump the hell out of your so-called friend.

This is the only bit I don't agree with.

The OP is a cheater herself.

Prepared at one time, to invest emotional attachment into this, so depriving her H of what she had promised hi, so why this should be 'awful news' is anybody's guess. I would suspect it would be much more awful for both spouses.

Please note, I'm not judging the OP. It's her decision, her consequences. But to tell her this is "awful news" is just dramatising it. It's not a Mills & Boon novel.... Is she now looking to work on her marriage I wonder, or working on finding another lay? Why would she be jealous of her friend doing exactly what she's done? Is the mutual friend married?

If she is, she's no 'better or worse' than the OP. If she isn't, it gives her a more understandable marginal degree of 'entitlement' to sleep with him, than the OP. (Although sleeping with a married man, who you know has slept with a friend, is really, pretty questionable....)

 

Her friend doesn't deserve to get dumped. There's no point in her taking the moral high-ground, because IMO, she has no moral high ground to walk.

What she might be better doing is telling her that if she's just looking for a phukkbuddy, he's suitable. If the mutual friend is looking to entice him emotionally - well, thereby hangs a tale.....

Link to post
Share on other sites
If he is good at it, he will never get caught.

 

I bet that's what Tiger thought, too.....;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
White Flower
This is the only bit I don't agree with.

The OP is a cheater herself.

Prepared at one time, to invest emotional attachment into this, so depriving her H of what she had promised hi, so why this should be 'awful news' is anybody's guess. I would suspect it would be much more awful for both spouses.

Please note, I'm not judging the OP. It's her decision, her consequences. But to tell her this is "awful news" is just dramatising it. It's not a Mills & Boon novel.... Is she now looking to work on her marriage I wonder, or working on finding another lay? Why would she be jealous of her friend doing exactly what she's done? Is the mutual friend married?

If she is, she's no 'better or worse' than the OP. If she isn't, it gives her a more understandable marginal degree of 'entitlement' to sleep with him, than the OP. (Although sleeping with a married man, who you know has slept with a friend, is really, pretty questionable....)

 

Her friend doesn't deserve to get dumped. There's no point in her taking the moral high-ground, because IMO, she has no moral high ground to walk.

What she might be better doing is telling her that if she's just looking for a phukkbuddy, he's suitable. If the mutual friend is looking to entice him emotionally - well, thereby hangs a tale.....

 

It doesn't matter if the OP is a cheater herself. She may have done it for love and may have never done it again like me. It is not always 'once a cheater always a cheater'.

 

You make all kinds of assumptions because you have never been there.

 

It is awful to find out the MM is serial because I am sure the MM in questions lied to her, telling her she was the first OW he ever had.

 

If I knew my MM had been around the block a few times I would have run for the hills! But his story was very convincing plus all the other omissions added to that. When I found out I was paralyzed. I actually felt like the BW. You can say I got what I deserved all you want but if I was a cheater who told him the truth then I expected him to be a cheater who told me the truth. I'm sure you can understand that kind of reasoning if you put yourself in my shoes for a minute. But I know you won't.

 

She should dump the friend because she confided in her friend. Told him what a great lover he was and how much she felt for him. Instead of respecting a boundary that a friend should, THIS friend decided to take advantage of the truths she told her in complete confidence.

 

What you are saying is the same as if you confided in your girlfriend about how great your fiancé was in the sack and she went and seduced him that makes it ok because neither of you are M to him yet. Fair game, huh? You shouldn't be sleeping with him because it is sinful and you are unmarried yet she is sinful and unmarried too so I guess you're in the same boat?

 

If you want to say all cheaters get what they deserve then it is fair to say that all women who sleep around before M deserve what they get too. Of course, this in not my mentality...but I think you might understand the comparison better that way.

 

Sin is sin, right?

Edited by White Flower
Link to post
Share on other sites
White Flower
I bet that's what Tiger thought, too.....;)

Unfortunately for him he wasn't that good at it:o. It's hard to be famous and expect to have others support your anonymity.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I bet that's what Tiger thought, too.....;)

 

Apologies for not staying on-topic, but I find it unfathomable how he could have thought that. In my opinion, his arrogance was his downfall. Oh, and, y'know the countless sexual trysts with women that were not his wife!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Confused Lady

More background info:

 

Yes, he's had an affair in the past and the OW involved in that one actually told his wife and of course he denied it until he and the OW lost their jobs. (They worked for the same company) Then he admitted to the affair. Since then, the wife (who I know) hasn't forgiven him, they're in debt and supposedly will be getting divorced.

 

No, I'm not a "bunny boiler"....lol. I guess I'm a little pissed because although I know it was "just sex", he claimed he couldn't have our affair anymore because he had guilt and alot of other crap he was going through and he didn't need the affair to complicate things even more. So he takes out an ad on an affair dating site? HHmmm...My so called "friend" would always ask me how he was, and how he and the wife were doing (I'm sure he's told her about their marital woes). Yes, my "friend" is also married too. I just got that feeling and it's sitting the wrong way with me. I did hint to my "friend" that there might have been something between us. Maybe she acted on that. I'd love to be able to tell her that she won't be anything special to him, but then I think: Let her find out herself. I learned my lesson: no more affairs for me!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Confused Lady

Whose shoes? The wife or my "friend"? I feel bad for his wife (believe it or not) because I know all about their problems (MM told me) but the wife doesn't know I do. A part of me wants revenge and wants to tell his W that he's doing it again with my "friend". Is it wrong to feel that way? I know his wife and him aren't getting along and don't have sex. (They only had it six times a year which is why he had the first affair)

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

Cut this guy out of your life. He owes you nothing, you owe him nothing as your affair was based on sex and not love or intention of being together by leaving your spouses.

 

Focus on yourself, healing and also fixing your marriage. Why cheat if you are married? What is missing inside of you that you've felt like having to go outside of your marriage? What about your husband?

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

CL you have only heard HIS side of their marital issues. Who knows if it's true or greatly exaggerated to suit him best. Fact is, HE IS STILL MARRIED. That says something, so obviously something is keeping them together.

 

Don't tell his wife, it isn't your place, even more so since you want to do it out of revenge.

 

Best revenge is to stop cheating, get your own life back on track and forget him, forget her. She's seems to not be a great friend to begin with..

Link to post
Share on other sites
White Flower

 

No, I'm not a "bunny boiler"....lol. I guess I'm a little pissed because although I know it was "just sex", he claimed he couldn't have our affair anymore because he had guilt and alot of other crap he was going through and he didn't need the affair to complicate things even more.

Perhaps his guilt was related to the fact that you were falling in love and he couldn't give you what you wanted?

 

Yet, having BTDT he knows that women tend to commit emotionally before engaging sexually. Serial guys count on this fact and then get all surprised when they can't return those love feelings.

Link to post
Share on other sites
White Flower
Whose shoes? The wife or my "friend"? I feel bad for his wife (believe it or not) because I know all about their problems (MM told me) but the wife doesn't know I do. A part of me wants revenge and wants to tell his W that he's doing it again with my "friend". Is it wrong to feel that way? I know his wife and him aren't getting along and don't have sex. (They only had it six times a year which is why he had the first affair)

How do you know this? Because HE told you?

 

LOL, I sound like a BW on this thread.:lmao:

 

I felt much as you do about telling his W. You relate to her and understand what she is going through (even if she doesn't). I wanted to take all I had and mail it to MM's W and all his exOWs, two of which were friends just like in your case. But I let time pass, I cooled down, and began focusing on who would benefit from all this. Nobody, that's who. If he stays with W, why put her through all that pain? STDs? Nope, I was his last and I got tested and my being negative proves he was very selective in his choosing APs, thank God.

 

And if he chose me why would I want the whole world to know about his shady past? Trust me, I did break up with him and walked away but amazingly he is overcoming so many things and has proved it all to me. I have all the stories, all the passwords, all his confindence and I know about every counseling session. But that is for another thread.

 

There IS hope for these guys but they have to want it. My guess is your MM is nowhere near that at this point, especially given that he has signed up for new accounts and told you about 'feeling guilty' thereby ending things with you, AND hitting up your M girlfriend.

 

And your revenge won't be that sweet. She'll not see you as an ally as much as the lying, evil, kniving bi*** who tried to steel her H away and since she didn't get him is now turning bunny boiler on her. She may not even believe you, sadly. Try reading other BW websites; you'll see nothing but contempt for the OW. There are some who are understanding, as we've seen here at LS, but they are the exception.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It doesn't matter if the OP is a cheater herself. She may have done it for love and may have never done it again like me. It is not always 'once a cheater always a cheater'.

Where have I said she is? I was wondering what her objective was...until she posted again, I was going by what she wrote in Post #1.... he's the serial cheater, by the looks of it (turns out I'm right) but I simply wondered what her position was regarding her marriage...

 

You make all kinds of assumptions because you have never been there.

 

What 'all kinds of assumptions have I made?

And how do you know where I've been?

 

It is awful to find out the MM is serial because I am sure the MM in questions lied to her, telling her she was the first OW he ever had.

You're 'sure'?

Apparently not.... now who's making assumptions?

 

If I knew my MM had been around the block a few times I would have run for the hills! But his story was very convincing plus all the other omissions added to that. When I found out I was paralyzed. I actually felt like the BW. You can say I got what I deserved all you want but if I was a cheater who told him the truth then I expected him to be a cheater who told me the truth. I'm sure you can understand that kind of reasoning if you put yourself in my shoes for a minute. But I know you won't.

Don't bet on it....

Besides, this is not about you.

It's about the OP, and as we now know, the situation is quite different.

 

She should dump the friend because she confided in her friend. Told him what a great lover he was and how much she felt for him. Instead of respecting a boundary that a friend should, THIS friend decided to take advantage of the truths she told her in complete confidence.

My point is that she should not expect different behaviour from her friend to that she went through herself. neither should she resent it or condemn it....

 

What you are saying is the same as if you confided in your girlfriend about how great your fiancé was in the sack and she went and seduced him that makes it ok because neither of you are M to him yet. Fair game, huh? You shouldn't be sleeping with him because it is sinful and you are unmarried yet she is sinful and unmarried too so I guess you're in the same boat?

Nope.

Different sitch entirely. at least there is a definitive commitment between my fiance and me. Between two married lovers - committed LEGALLY to their spouses, is completely different. Strawman argument.

 

If you want to say all cheaters get what they deserve then it is fair to say that all women who sleep around before M deserve what they get too. Of course, this in not my mentality...but I think you might understand the comparison better that way.

Don't put words in my mouth, please.

I have never said that, I will never say that, and I'm not saying that now. If people cheat, they cheat.

It's a symptom, not a cause of a marriage breakdown.

I am of the opinion that marriage is archaic and outdated, because it's not a human being's natural nature to be monogamous, but if that's what you promise to do you should do it.

but if they don't, I'm not going to judge them. been involved in relationships counselling too long to use that stick.

 

Sin is sin, right?

Nope.

Link to post
Share on other sites
White Flower
Where have I said she is? I was wondering what her objective was...until she posted again, I was going by what she wrote in Post #1.... he's the serial cheater, by the looks of it (turns out I'm right) but I simply wondered what her position was regarding her marriage...

 

 

 

What 'all kinds of assumptions have I made?

You state it hear:

 

This is the only bit I don't agree with.

The OP is a cheater herself.

So, since she is a cheater, it is ok for her friend to cheat on her with her lover?

 

And how do you know where I've been?

You state your case often enough.

 

You're 'sure'?

Apparently not.... now who's making assumptions?

Uh, I recognize her story to be very much like my own. I don't have to assume. I relate.

 

Don't bet on it....

Besides, this is not about you.

It's about the OP, and as we now know, the situation is quite different.

LOL, if you say so. (And I never said it was about me).

My point is that she should not expect different behaviour from her friend to that she went through herself. neither should she resent it or condemn it....

Different behavior? No. With HER boyfriend? No again.

Different sitch entirely. at least there is a definitive commitment between my fiance and me. Between two married lovers - committed LEGALLY to their spouses, is completely different. Strawman argument.

We can agree to disagree.

 

 

 

Don't put words in my mouth, please.

I have never said that, I will never say that, and I'm not saying that now. If people cheat, they cheat.

But there are so many reasons to cheat, so many different kind of cheaters. And if you have not BTDT, then you can find it easy to lump them all together and tell them they're all the same. Interesting.

 

It's a symptom, not a cause of a marriage breakdown.

I am of the opinion that marriage is archaic and outdated, because it's not a human being's natural nature to be monogamous, but if that's what you promise to do you should do it.

I could go off on this open can of worms but I won't. Yet, I will say that it seems that you hold M people to standards you don't even live by yourself. I'm not saying you're not loyal to your BF, I'm just saying that since you believe it is against human nature to be faithfully monogomous it is quite interesting that you defend M vows so strongly.
Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup
Different behavior? No. With HER boyfriend? No again.

 

He isn't her boyfriend and she isn't his girlfriend. It's affair partners who are filling in certain needs. Each are married and to say boyfriend creates the idea that they are committed or have the intention to be committed to one another.

 

Different behaviour, now yes..But at the beginning? Not much. She (OP) knew just like her current friend that the MM has had OW. And, at the begining of her affair with MM she didn't have feelings for him..Though now she does..

Link to post
Share on other sites
Whose shoes? The wife or my "friend"? I feel bad for his wife (believe it or not) because I know all about their problems (MM told me) but the wife doesn't know I do. A part of me wants revenge and wants to tell his W that he's doing it again with my "friend". Is it wrong to feel that way? I know his wife and him aren't getting along and don't have sex. (They only had it six times a year which is why he had the first affair)

 

you don't know anything - except what he's WILLING to tell you. which is lies to support his habit - which is to prey upon married woman by gaining sympathy.

 

let it go...

 

he got what he wants and your friend got what she wants. stay out of it now and be grateful to be rid of both of them.

 

IF it was over - why did you drop by his house? this seems shady to me... you're not over him and you know it.

 

i recommend counseling for you - to work through the reasons why you have done what you've done to yourself, your H and your M. work on how to make that all look different.

Link to post
Share on other sites
How do you know this? Because HE told you?

 

LOL, I sound like a BW on this thread.:lmao:

 

I felt much as you do about telling his W. You relate to her and understand what she is going through (even if she doesn't). I wanted to take all I had and mail it to MM's W and all his exOWs, two of which were friends just like in your case. But I let time pass, I cooled down, and began focusing on who would benefit from all this. Nobody, that's who. If he stays with W, why put her through all that pain? STDs? Nope, I was his last and I got tested and my being negative proves he was very selective in his choosing APs, thank God.

 

And if he chose me why would I want the whole world to know about his shady past? Trust me, I did break up with him and walked away but amazingly he is overcoming so many things and has proved it all to me. I have all the stories, all the passwords, all his confindence and I know about every counseling session. But that is for another thread.

 

There IS hope for these guys but they have to want it. My guess is your MM is nowhere near that at this point, especially given that he has signed up for new accounts and told you about 'feeling guilty' thereby ending things with you, AND hitting up your M girlfriend.

 

And your revenge won't be that sweet. She'll not see you as an ally as much as the lying, evil, kniving bi*** who tried to steel her H away and since she didn't get him is now turning bunny boiler on her. She may not even believe you, sadly. Try reading other BW websites; you'll see nothing but contempt for the OW. There are some who are understanding, as we've seen here at LS, but they are the exception.

 

I dont see any reason why she wants revenge , when op doesn't have any proof about her friend & MM . Besides that as op said MM doesn't want anything other than physical relationship with her , what does it matter if mm has more OWs too ? why everybody on this thread including op condemning MM & op's friend for no reason when op isn't doing any different than them ?

op r u really feeling for sorry for MM's wife when u have no problem continuing physical relation with her husband ? & how come u never feel sorry for ur husband ?

 

Apparently there are lot of issues with this MM , I will suggest u to find some other mm .

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...