He says he loves me....I don't believe him anymore

[LosingMyself]

I have known my MM for several years we have been having our A for 11 months,I am also M.

 

He has always been so sweet to me,I don;t expect much from him,he has always told me he loves me I have always believed him.

 

We were talking about my weight the other day AGAIN,I am a size 9 so he has been telling me if I get any bigger I am going to have to get on a diet and he brings this up ALOT it has been bothering me because I am insecure about this.

 

I got tired of him saying this so I told him what about your W she is the same size as me why have you not made her get on a diet his reply I accept her the way she is.

 

I was stunned I did not know how to take this,he then tells me I was perfect I guess he seen I was feeling bad,he said Im his sweetheart,love of his life I start feeling better.

 

A few weeks later this comes up AGAIN I told him why don't you go tell your W to lose weight stop telling me,he says as long as she is happy that is all that matters I am happy if she is happy,I was so hurt when I heard this I said so are you making her happy by cheating on her,he says thats the thing she is not happy she has not been happy for years,why do you think Im here?????

 

At that point I was so hurt and confused,I do not know how to take this if I ask him what does he mean he just says he loves me and I do not believe him anymore,he always told me he loved me and to me it showed,but now its the little things that I am starting to notice,am I just acting crazy and paranoid?

[Just a stone's throw]

I have known my MM for several years we have been having our A for 11 months,I am also M.

 

He has always been so sweet to me,I don;t expect much from him,he has always told me he loves me I have always believed him.

 

We were talking about my weight the other day AGAIN,I am a size 9 so he has been telling me if I get any bigger I am going to have to get on a diet and he brings this up ALOT it has been bothering me because I am insecure about this.

 

I got tired of him saying this so I told him what about your W she is the same size as me why have you not made her get on a diet his reply I accept her the way she is.

 

I was stunned I did not know how to take this,he then tells me I was perfect I guess he seen I was feeling bad,he said Im his sweetheart,love of his life I start feeling better.

 

A few weeks later this comes up AGAIN I told him why don't you go tell your W to lose weight stop telling me,he says as long as she is happy that is all that matters I am happy if she is happy,I was so hurt when I heard this I said so are you making her happy by cheating on her,he says thats the thing she is not happy she has not been happy for years,why do you think Im here?????

 

At that point I was so hurt and confused,I do not know how to take this if I ask him what does he mean he just says he loves me and I do not believe him anymore,he always told me he loved me and to me it showed,but now its the little things that I am starting to notice,am I just acting crazy and paranoid?

 

LM, I think you are getting the picture that he wants you to be his "perfect angel" to balance out his "not-so-perfect" marriage. Yuk..... is all I can say. A size 9? Really? That doesn't sound like love to me. If he was concerned about your weight because you were a diabetic or had heart disease or some other ailment that gaining extra pounds could put your health in jeopardy, then I'd say - "Thanks for caring enough to have that conversation with me. You must really love me". But if it's just because he wouldn't like the way you look if you grew to a size 11??

 

Wow....

[Fallen Angel]

I, too, am wowed by this type of behaviour.

 

I was married to a man that would tell me regularly that I was a big, fat, nasty, roly-poly, pig b*tch.

 

He was emotionaly and physicaly abusive. He is now my exHusband.

 

Since I have been with my sweetheart I have put back on some of the weight I lost when I left my now exH. I often find myself ashamed of my body because of it, and try to hide my body from him.

 

He does not allow me to hide from him. If i cover something up, he uncovers it and that is the part of me he will give the most attention to, the part he will spent the most time carressing, kissing, looking at...

 

I have learned to accept myself with all my flaws because that is how he accepts me.

 

If someone who claims to love you makes you feel that way, then perhaps it is time to re-evaluate the actions that back up his words.

 

If his "love" makes you feel bad, then is it something you really want?

[norajane]

He accepts his wife as she is; he feels the need to change/control you.

 

He has unconditional love for his wife (not that it does her a whole lot of good since he's cheating on her!); his love for you is conditional on how you look.

 

He's spelled it out for you. It's up to you to either accept it or not, depending on how important his thoughts and feelings about you are to your affair.

 

Do you have different standards for MM and for your H? You said you don't expect much from MM. Maybe you do expect more from your H? My point is, if you have different standards for MM and H, it shouldn't be too hard to understand that MM has different standards for you and his W. Whether you can live with those standards is entirely up to you.

[Just a stone's throw]

Thinking back now, I can't say I didn't experience a little of this "double standard" in my R with exMM. There were times where he'd email me and say could I meet him somewhere and I'd reply that I couldn't right away because I had either just come back from working out or hadn't showered yet for the day or didn't have makeup on and he clearly stated that I was not acceptable in that state (in a nice way). I think the one that struck me most was him not wanting to see me if I hadn't put makeup on (though I don't wear a lot of makeup anyway) but it was the thought that he wouldn't accept me without being "prettied up" for him. My H on the other hand sees me at my very worst and loves me all the same. Kind of put it in perspective. I can't imagine waking up next to him the next morning (as we never had an over-nighter during our R). Not sure that he'd be there....

[LosingMyself]

MM was never this way with me,I was wondering if he is now becoming more comfortable with me which is why he is starting to tell me these things.He has always been sweet to me.

 

Yes,I would say I expect more from my H than MM,I get flattered at the smallest things MM does for me andwith my husband I expect better.

 

MM says he is going to leave his W he even tells me she knows about us he told me he told her he loves me,I know she knows about me.

 

I just don't understand why worry about my weight he has never worried about it in the past I did not gain weight since I been with him,this is the same weight I was when he met me and he did not have a problem with it then,why now?

[LosingMyself]

I would like to add that if he loves me like he says and believe me when we are together he shows how much he loves me BUT then comments he made to me about my weight and it being ok for his W to gain weight and himsaying as long as she's happy Im happy.Those comments really made me upset I could not help but feel jealous,My girlfriendssay if he loves me then it's all ove me fat/thin im really getting confused about his feelings towards me.

[Pink_orchid]

LM, if you are the same size you've always been and he obviously found you sexually attractive in the beginning, then he must still do. I wonder if him knocking your self esteem down like this is a ploy to make you feel unattractive, unloved and that no one else but him would fancy you (rubbish of course) but to control you, make you feel like crap basically so you do what he says. And he feels in control. Perhaps he is feeling a sense that you're losing interest in HIM. A lot of people put other people down when they are feeling insecure about THEMSELVES.

 

Either way he's not being very nice to you. If you are happy with yourself as you are (weight wise) do you really want to be in this affair any more. Or if you're not happy with yourself and you decided to lose weight, maybe you wouldn't want him any more anyway?!

[LosingMyself]

Are you going to leave your H?

 

Yes I am going to leave him,he knows I am not in love with anymore I have told him about MM actually my H wanted to talk with MM's W,I told MM and he said if my H goes near his W he would basically put him on life support.I am in the process of divorce.

 

I love my MM,I want to be with him and I tell him everyday how much Im in love with him,he is the sunshine of my day,I look forward to life because of him. Im just starting to WONDER more.

[Just a stone's throw]

Then it sounds like you should just be honest with him and tell him how he is making you feel by judging your weight. Ask him what he is expecting from you and if it's not mutually agreeable then you can at least make an informed decision. Instead of wondering what he's thinking, can you just ask him and expect and honest answer. Your future relationship post-d will need to be based on honesty.

[LosingMyself]

I have told him how it makes me feel,and I also told him has he ever told his W about her weight he response was as long as she is happy that is what matters and I have said well why can't it be that way with me and he says it is im just looking after you.But I dont see it like that.

[LosingMyself]

I guess this is what most affairs are all about: double standards.

I guess it's just up to you whether you want to put up with it. It makes me wonder if he will really leave his W tho. I'm seeing that he's unhappy with his W but resigned to her being the way she is. She's not gonna change, so he went and found someone else. But now he's afraid you might ultimately end up just like the W he already has.

I could be wrong, but if I'm right... Yuck.

Are you divorcing so you can be with this man, or would you be divorcing anyway?

 

Yes he is unhappy with his W he hates being with her,he does not even love her and has not loved her for YEARS,he feels sorry for her,she is not over weight maybe that is why he never brings up the weight issue's.

 

Sometimes I want my H to confront his W,just to see her side of the story.

 

I do know his W knows we are together she has seen all our calls,we work together so she knows we see each other daily.

 

I guess Im just starting to get paranoid,because it is finally happening,and I think it is to good to be true.

[bestplayer]

Yes I am going to leave him,he knows I am not in love with anymore I have told him about MM actually my H wanted to talk with MM's W,I told MM and he said if my H goes near his W he would basically put him on life support.I am in the process of divorce.

 

I love my MM,I want to be with him and I tell him everyday how much Im in love with him,he is the sunshine of my day,I look forward to life because of him. Im just starting to WONDER more.

 

it seems ur mm certainly doesn't want his wife to know about the affair thats why he doesn't want ur H to go near her .

 

btw r u divorcing ur H for MM ? does ur husband want the the divorce ?

[dazzle22]

In his mind, you are supposed to be the fantasy woman, look good, behave in non-demanding ways, he can tell you what you can and can't do (can't talk to the wife, even if she knows...hmmm..).

 

He is, by definition of what he is doing to his wife, a CAD, and you are starting to see the real wizard behind the curtain now, and that is shaking up your limerance with him.

 

My guess is he is pretty bossy and critical with his wife too. There are reasons why wives get fed up and "look the other way".

[LosingMyself]

My H knows about my MM,I came clean months ago,he wanted to do MC but I see know point,I know who I want and that is MM so yes we are getting a D.

 

My H wanted to talk with MM's W,he says it is only fair,he wants to compare notes I guess,I told MM about this and he laughed and said he has no business getting his W involved and if he went near her he would go to my home and drag him out our house and beat him etc..

 

My girlfriends have been giving me advice and they say I need to think outside the box and see what others see,that I am to high on love right now and Im not seeing things clear,MM tells me and shows me his love for me,but my GF says I need to look at the little things for example the weight issue,she said her has unconditional love for his W and sometimes I think she is telling me these things because she wants me out of the R with MM,Im just confused at the moment:sick:

[fooled once]

So is the MM divorcing his wife or is it lip service to keep you happy?

 

Have you started divorce proceedings? Have you moved out?

 

Let's pretend...let's say the MM doesn't get divorced, are you going to stay the OW? Let's say the MM breaks off the affair, what then? Are you going to want to go back to your H?

 

I think any person who belittles another person shows they are not IN LOVE with that person. If he wants you to change to SUIT HIM, that it is about him, not about any feelings he has for you.

 

IF he loved you like you believe, he wouldn't say hurtful things like this to you.

 

I think he is just using you -- I don't think he has any plans to divorce. If he did, he would let your H talk to his W. I think you want to believe his wife knows, when in reality, she doesn't.

 

And he cares more about his wife's happiness and feelings than yours...that is obvious from his statements.

 

Anyone can SAY "I love you" -- it is the actions that really tell the true story. Being nice to you doesn't equal love. Love means telling the world how you feel, love means being with the person you love, love means moving mountains to be together and NOT be sneaking around....at least in my view.

[LosingMyself]

So is the MM divorcing his wife or is it lip service to keep you happy?

 

Have you started divorce proceedings? Have you moved out?

 

Let's pretend...let's say the MM doesn't get divorced, are you going to stay the OW? Let's say the MM breaks off the affair, what then? Are you going to want to go back to your H?

 

I think any person who belittles another person shows they are not IN LOVE with that person. If he wants you to change to SUIT HIM, that it is about him, not about any feelings he has for you.

 

IF he loved you like you believe, he wouldn't say hurtful things like this to you.

 

I think he is just using you -- I don't think he has any plans to divorce. If he did, he would let your H talk to his W. I think you want to believe his wife knows, when in reality, she doesn't.

 

And he cares more about his wife's happiness and feelings than yours...that is obvious from his statements.

 

Anyone can SAY "I love you" -- it is the actions that really tell the true story. Being nice to you doesn't equal love. Love means telling the world how you feel, love means being with the person you love, love means moving mountains to be together and NOT be sneaking around....at least in my view.

 

 

He is going to D his W,just not now, he wants her to get better before he does,they live together but have no R.My H and I are in the process of divorce and yes we live together at the moment.

 

My H wants to work things out but it's done and my family knows already about my MM they are not happy they want to go and confront my MM.

 

We want to be together but so many people are making it hard for us,and yet we still hang on together.

[dazzle22]

"He is going to divorce his wife, just not now". Perhaps you should google that phrase to see how many times OW have said this and how many times the men really did what they said they would. Her getting better- sounds pretty open ended...

[norajane]

He is going to D his W,just not now, he wants her to get better before he does,they live together but have no R.My H and I are in the process of divorce and yes we live together at the moment.

 

My H wants to work things out but it's done and my family knows already about my MM they are not happy they want to go and confront my MM.

 

We want to be together but so many people are making it hard for us,and yet we still hang on together.

 

Really? Who is making it hard?

 

Everyone in your life thinks this MM is bad for you and you should get away from him, but that doesn't seem to change your opinion, so they aren't making it hard. Your H wants to go to MC, but you don't and aren't going, so it's not like you aren doing any hard work in MC. You aren't in counseling yourself, so your therapist isn't making you do any hard work to figure out wtf is going on with you.

 

Have you considered that HE is making it hard? He isn't getting a divorce, he has some vague-ass "when his wife gets better" time frame for supposedly getting a divorce, he is critical of your weight and that's probably just the tip of the iceberg of things he will become critical about, you are starting to doubt his love...to me, it sounds like HE is making it hard, not anyone else.

 

I have this feeling you are going to end up divorced, on the outs with your family and friends, MM will still be MM with no divorce papers filed, and you will be alone and lonely hanging on to MM who is bitching about the size of your ass.

[Fallen Angel]

I won't say that it is always as black and white as some people claim, but I would say based on the things you say he has said to you, that if you stay with this man you can look forward to more of the same hurtful and controlling behaviour.

 

Also, the fact that he has as much as said that he wants whatever makes his wife happy is your biggest clue that this is in all likelyhood a dead end relationship for you.

 

I am an OW, but I can not in good conscience tell you that this man appears to truly love you.

 

Love should not feel bad.

Love should not make you doubt yourself.

And love should not control and demean and devalue you.

 

Love should lift you up.

Love should fill you with confidence.

Love should compromise with you. Love should value and restore you.

 

It sounds like his brand of love does all the should not's and none of the shoulds.

 

If you were my friend, I would tell you to get out of this relationship, before it destroys what is left of your soul. (I mean that in the most non-religious way possible, I mean the "core" of who you are.)

Edited March 28, 2010 by Fallen Angel

[White Flower]

I have known my MM for several years we have been having our A for 11 months,I am also M.

 

He has always been so sweet to me,I don;t expect much from him,he has always told me he loves me I have always believed him.

 

We were talking about my weight the other day AGAIN,I am a size 9 so he has been telling me if I get any bigger I am going to have to get on a diet and he brings this up ALOT it has been bothering me because I am insecure about this.

 

I got tired of him saying this so I told him what about your W she is the same size as me why have you not made her get on a diet his reply I accept her the way she is.

 

I was stunned I did not know how to take this,he then tells me I was perfect I guess he seen I was feeling bad,he said Im his sweetheart,love of his life I start feeling better.

 

A few weeks later this comes up AGAIN I told him why don't you go tell your W to lose weight stop telling me,he says as long as she is happy that is all that matters I am happy if she is happy,I was so hurt when I heard this I said so are you making her happy by cheating on her,he says thats the thing she is not happy she has not been happy for years,why do you think Im here?????

 

At that point I was so hurt and confused,I do not know how to take this if I ask him what does he mean he just says he loves me and I do not believe him anymore,he always told me he loved me and to me it showed,but now its the little things that I am starting to notice,am I just acting crazy and paranoid?

Hmm, it's ok for him to accept her the way she is but not you? And you're giving him the goods? Lose him...fast!!!

 

You're not in this to get your self-esteem lowered. Many will argue that our self-esteem is already low (not mine, but it's true for some) but even if it isn't low we want to hear how beautiful we are. Honey, if he is getting it up in front of you, you ARE beautiful to him. My guess is he is making some sort of power play on you and that ISN'T love. Run fast.

 

Hugs.

[White Flower]

My H knows about my MM,I came clean months ago,he wanted to do MC but I see know point,I know who I want and that is MM so yes we are getting a D.

 

My H wanted to talk with MM's W,he says it is only fair,he wants to compare notes I guess,I told MM about this and he laughed and said he has no business getting his W involved and if he went near her he would go to my home and drag him out our house and beat him etc..

 

My girlfriends have been giving me advice and they say I need to think outside the box and see what others see,that I am to high on love right now and Im not seeing things clear,MM tells me and shows me his love for me,but my GF says I need to look at the little things for example the weight issue,she said her has unconditional love for his W and sometimes I think she is telling me these things because she wants me out of the R with MM,Im just confused at the moment:sick:

Is your friend saying that your MM has unconditional love for his W? Because in your OP (orignal post) you state that he's happy with her if she's happy. That sounds like unconditional love to me YET he has conditions for you: lose weight. It's funny given that you are the same size as his W though. Perhaps in his mind the OW is younger, prettier, and thinner? Not always true. I'm a lot bigger then MM's W and he loves it.

[fooled once]

He is going to D his W,just not now, he wants her to get better before he does,they live together but have no R.My H and I are in the process of divorce and yes we live together at the moment.

 

My H wants to work things out but it's done and my family knows already about my MM they are not happy they want to go and confront my MM.

 

We want to be together but so many people are making it hard for us,and yet we still hang on together.

 

He is TELLING you he is going to divorce his wife..... but what does his wife say? Does she know of his plans? I am betting she has no idea of what he is doing...and I think he is telling you what you want to hear.

 

I think you ended your marriage and will remain an "OW" until you finally decide you deserve better.

[MizzBlue72]

My H wanted to talk with MM's W,he says it is only fair,he wants to compare notes I guess,I told MM about this and he laughed and said he has no business getting his W involved and if he went near her he would go to my home and drag him out our house and beat him etc..

 

Hi Losing Myself - I just want to preface my comments by saying that I too am the OW.

 

I wanted to address the item I bolded above about MM dragging H out of house and beating him ..... ok. for me - I think this is wrong. REALLY wrong. If ANYONE in the relationship should have the right to pull someone out of their home and beat them - it SHOULD be the BS's. Truly - it should be. Not us A partners.

 

This sentence? Makes me REALLY wonder about the MM you are with. He says his W knows, but if he is saying the above ... I would truly think that the W does NOT know. Or - he has many more feelings for her than he is leading you to believe.

 

In my instance - if the MM I am with would NOT accept me for who I am, what I believe in and the size that I am - sorry - I love him, but we would have a SERIOUS talk. About love - HUGE talk. To me - love is unconditional. Someone earlier stated that what if we, the OW was a size 2 and the MM is any size he wants to be - that is really true. As a society, women tend to accept men in any size. Women? NOT so much the case.

 

The MM I am with is in the middle of a D. I will stand by him. His xW does not know of me, and I am glad. He did not leave beacuse of me. My x does not know of the MM either. I did not leave for him.

 

Listen to your gut honey - and your girlfriends. They truly do have your best interests at heart.

 

Good luck -

MB

[Lauriebell82]

Yes he is unhappy with his W he hates being with her,he does not even love her and has not loved her for YEARS,he feels sorry for her,she is not over weight maybe that is why he never brings up the weight issue's.

 

He is still married to her then for what reason?

 

I think your MM sounds like a jerk who has no idea what he wants. He's stringing you both along basically.

 

I think he comes down on you about your weight because he wants to still be physically attracted to you in order to continue the A. I mean he is already a MM and he isn't interested in that with you, only his W. He wants you for the sex and the physical attraction that is now missing from his M so he is trying to get you to lose weight in order to justify and continue the A.

 

I know you love him but it doesn't sound like he is ready to leave his W and it sounds like he is just using you. He loves the thrill of the A...otherwise he would leave his W and be with you. I'm sorry you are hurting.