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I tried, unsuccessfully, to end A with MM


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After bouncing back and forth from one end of the spectrum to the other and everything in-between, I decided the best thing to do was to end it with MM. It took several days to build up the courage and find the “right time”, but I called MM and told him I thought we should “take a break”. In short, it didn’t go as planned. MM said “if that’s the way I wanted it, then fine”, but he was quite angry and didn’t understand it. I gingerly explained that overall I was just overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings and I just needed some time to get my head together. I also told him that I was beginning to feel like I was placing him in a position that I knew he could not fill and I didn’t want nor would I be able to handle it.

 

MM apologized for getting upset and said he was just caught so off-guard and all he could think of was how he was going to miss me terribly, and wished it wouldn’t happen. But we both are and were aware of his situation and he has obligations that he can’t abandon. He reminded me of the plans he’d made for us to spend crazy time together (though I have to wait until his W is out-of-town), and how he would give me more if he could, but his situation is what it is and he can’t change that. He said although he didn’t feel like he was in the position to tell me what to do, he thought it’d be better if I thought about it for a few hours more before I decided for sure.

 

He then proceeded to tell me how much he’ll miss me and how use he is to talking to and seeing me, how we’d both be miserable from it, how I’m the only one he has or will step out of his M for, etc…By the end of the conversation, I was telling him maybe I was making a hasty or wrong decision, and he was telling me how he’d bought a surprise for me over the weekend and he hoped he could see me that night (but I’d probably have to wait until his W fell asleep). In the end, it was like I never even brought up the idea of us not seeing each other. I feel like he kinda dismissed it, and I just said “um…well…okay”.

 

I tried to do what I thought would have been the best outcome for everyone involved, and it didn’t work. I feel like such a wimp and idiot. Worst, I feel like a pawn and failure. It was extremely hard to confront MM, and I don’t see how I’m going to be able to bring up the subject again. It just seems like I’ve lost the opportunity to kinda make things right, and now things are destined to go horribly wrong.

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Wow, he is bring a lot of wonderful things to you in this isn't he? You feel worse for it (and you know you should; it isn't as you'd have it being with a married man right?)

 

But the failure to end it isn't on him. He likes getting all the goods from you and his wife. Why would he end it when she is married to him and you're making it easy for him on the other side of his bread.

 

Stop making it easy for him and start simplifying the mess for yourself. Can't you get someone all for you? Wouldn't you prefer someone all for you?

 

Even if he were 1 in a 1,000,000 - there are 10 of him in NY alone. I'm betting some of them are single.

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I don't think you have lost the opportunity to approach it from another standpoint .. Telling him that although you love him, you Deserve more from life .. and that you are a whole woman .. A whole woman eventually drops her worship of the MM .. and finds herself .. It is one thing to have the undying sacrificing love for a husband as to put his needs before yours - and in that situation it is expected that you are First with him, as well .. If you haven't been able to end it with the MM .. there will be other opportunitys and as you continue to find yourself ..

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I feel like he kinda dismissed it,
Um. No. He didn't dismiss it. First he got pissed off at you that you would DARE to think of your well-being and break up with him. Then he thought only of HIMSELF and how HE would miss having you around at his beck and call when his wife was out of town. Then he told you NOTHING would change at all and that he would stay married so you should suck it up and accept the crumbs. Then he reminded you that he was only thinking of himself AGAIN by telling you that he'd gotten used to having you around when he wanted to talk. Finally, he MANIPULATED you by telling you, hey, it's your decision.

 

:sick:

 

And you decided that what he wanted was more important than what you want and your own well-being.

 

If you really want to end this affair, block his emails, change your phone number and disappear. It's that simple. You don't need his permission or his agreement.

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fooled once
After bouncing back and forth from one end of the spectrum to the other and everything in-between, I decided the best thing to do was to end it with MM. It took several days to build up the courage and find the “right time”, but I called MM and told him I thought we should “take a break”. In short, it didn’t go as planned. MM said “if that’s the way I wanted it, then fine”, but he was quite angry and didn’t understand it. I gingerly explained that overall I was just overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings and I just needed some time to get my head together. I also told him that I was beginning to feel like I was placing him in a position that I knew he could not fill and I didn’t want nor would I be able to handle it.

 

MM apologized for getting upset and said he was just caught so off-guard and all he could think of was how he was going to miss me terribly, and wished it wouldn’t happen. But we both are and were aware of his situation and he has obligations that he can’t abandon. He reminded me of the plans he’d made for us to spend crazy time together (though I have to wait until his W is out-of-town), and how he would give me more if he could, but his situation is what it is and he can’t change that. He said although he didn’t feel like he was in the position to tell me what to do, he thought it’d be better if I thought about it for a few hours more before I decided for sure.

 

He then proceeded to tell me how much he’ll miss me and how use he is to talking to and seeing me, how we’d both be miserable from it, how I’m the only one he has or will step out of his M for, etc…By the end of the conversation, I was telling him maybe I was making a hasty or wrong decision, and he was telling me how he’d bought a surprise for me over the weekend and he hoped he could see me that night (but I’d probably have to wait until his W fell asleep). In the end, it was like I never even brought up the idea of us not seeing each other. I feel like he kinda dismissed it, and I just said “um…well…okay”.

 

I tried to do what I thought would have been the best outcome for everyone involved, and it didn’t work. I feel like such a wimp and idiot. Worst, I feel like a pawn and failure. It was extremely hard to confront MM, and I don’t see how I’m going to be able to bring up the subject again. It just seems like I’ve lost the opportunity to kinda make things right, and now things are destined to go horribly wrong.

 

Sky - either you want to be the OW (2nd priority) or you don't. I don't understand, if you aren't happy and you don't want to continue down this path for the next 5 years, you are so scared to end it.

 

Of course he is going to tell you all this stuff. Of course he is going to try to convince you otherwise. He doesn't want to have to break in a new OW. He like you because you are young, you aren't making demands on him, you feed his ego, you will pretty much do anything he says and he controls you. I mean, after everything you JUST went through with him, it is back to where it was before the pregnancy. He has you too scared to live your life for YOU - to find someone who will commit to JUST YOU. I mean, to hear him say he will try to sneak out after his wife falls asleep :sick:

 

Sky, I hope you get into some IC and break free of this hold he has on you. You are so young, you don't need your future tainted with this old guy.

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fooled once
He said although he didn’t feel like he was in the position to tell me what to do, he thought it’d be better if I thought about it for a few hours more before I decided for sure.

 

And THIS was priceless! He didn't think he was in a position to tell you what to do, but he then told you to think about it for a few hours. :o

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whichwayisup

Boy, he certainly manipulated you right back into it.

 

It's all about him, don't ever forget that. NOT ONCE did he seem sad for you, or sympathize your position as the OW.

 

It is what it is.... An affair. YOU are there for HIM. YOU have to wait until HIS WIFE goes out of Town, then HE's all yours. Until that is, she comes back.

 

I truly wish you gain the strength to end this once and for all and NOT give him an opportunity to whispers sweet nothings, to reel/guilt you back in, use your emotions against you.

 

He only cares about himself, not you. If he cared enough, he would have understood. Been sad, but would have allowed you to make this choice, breaking it off with him, as deep down he knows it's best.

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Um. No. He didn't dismiss it. First he got pissed off at you that you would DARE to think of your well-being and break up with him. Then he thought only of HIMSELF and how HE would miss having you around at his beck and call when his wife was out of town. Then he told you NOTHING would change at all and that he would stay married so you should suck it up and accept the crumbs. Then he reminded you that he was only thinking of himself AGAIN by telling you that he'd gotten used to having you around when he wanted to talk. Finally, he MANIPULATED you by telling you, hey, it's your decision.

 

:sick:

 

And you decided that what he wanted was more important than what you want and your own well-being.

 

If you really want to end this affair, block his emails, change your phone number and disappear. It's that simple. You don't need his permission or his agreement.

 

I feel like that’s exactly what I did. As irrational as it sounds, I kinda saw him as the victim because he had done nothing wrong, never lied to me, and pretty much been the same guy from day one, and without warning I say you played by all the rules, but sorry I don’t want to be with you anymore. I really kinda feel like I'm the bad guy in the whole thing. I don’t think I’m capable of implementing a one-sided NC.

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I feel like that’s exactly what I did. As irrational as it sounds, I kinda saw him as the victim because he had done nothing wrong, never lied to me, and pretty much been the same guy from day one, and without warning I say you played by all the rules, but sorry I don’t want to be with you anymore. I really kinda feel like I'm the bad guy in the whole thing. I don’t think I’m capable of implementing a one-sided NC.

 

You can still grow (away) in the spirit .. In love with a MM or MW .. is a relationship of being used.. Know the relationship for what it is - and you can gradually subside into a relationship of only Friendship .. a lot less harmful for you emotionally ..

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Fallen Angel

Oh, sweet, sweet Skylar. :( (((HUGS FOR YOU)))

 

If you want different, you have to find the strength to demand different. But first you have to come to terms with the fact that you are WORTH different, and that my sweet friend is the only place you fail. You do not know your own worth.

 

Know this, I think you are worthy. And when you do not love yourself, know that I love you. When you do not feel valuable, know that I value you. When you feel weak, know that I see strength in you. When you feel silly, know that I see how smart you are.

 

When you see yourself as others see you, then you will be able to demand what you need, and you will get it. Until then, we are here for you. (((more hugs for sky)))

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Sky - either you want to be the OW (2nd priority) or you don't. I don't understand, if you aren't happy and you don't want to continue down this path for the next 5 years, you are so scared to end it.

 

Of course he is going to tell you all this stuff. Of course he is going to try to convince you otherwise. He doesn't want to have to break in a new OW. He like you because you are young, you aren't making demands on him, you feed his ego, you will pretty much do anything he says and he controls you. I mean, after everything you JUST went through with him, it is back to where it was before the pregnancy. He has you too scared to live your life for YOU - to find someone who will commit to JUST YOU. I mean, to hear him say he will try to sneak out after his wife falls asleep :sick:

 

Sky, I hope you get into some IC and break free of this hold he has on you. You are so young, you don't need your future tainted with this old guy.

 

The thing that made trying to end the A so hard is that I’m really afraid of hurting MM’s feelings or having him angry with me. I like him a lot and I think he’s a good person overall, and it hurts me to think that I’ve hurt him (I don’t think he has the same sensitivity towards me). The pregnancy changed EVERYTHING for me. I don’t think it changed much for him, and I don’t think he even regards that the pregnancy was an “issue” for me. We not on the same mentality level regarding the R anymore. He thinks and pretty much acts like everything is the same. I tried and try to give signals that everything isn’t the same for me, but because I kinda get a vibe that “this is the limit of what I can give you” (which he reiterated) and “this is what I expect of you” I kinda fake through a lot of things that I’m not happy with. I really don’t know what to think or do anymore, and MM doesn't seem concerned about making it any easier for me.

 

BTW, your NC thread was one of two posts that I tried to use for encouragement to break it of with MM. Too bad it didn’t go so well.

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I feel like that’s exactly what I did. As irrational as it sounds, I kinda saw him as the victim because he had done nothing wrong, never lied to me, and pretty much been the same guy from day one, and without warning I say you played by all the rules, but sorry I don’t want to be with you anymore. I really kinda feel like I'm the bad guy in the whole thing. I don’t think I’m capable of implementing a one-sided NC.

 

You have every right to decide this isn't what you want anymore. EVERY right. It's your life. YOU DO NOT OWE HIM ANYTHING.

 

Get some help. You cannot see clearly. You are speaking like an abused woman who feels sorry for the man abusing her. That's not right.

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Boy, he certainly manipulated you right back into it.

 

It's all about him, don't ever forget that. NOT ONCE did he seem sad for you, or sympathize your position as the OW.

 

It is what it is.... An affair. YOU are there for HIM. YOU have to wait until HIS WIFE goes out of Town, then HE's all yours. Until that is, she comes back.

 

I truly wish you gain the strength to end this once and for all and NOT give him an opportunity to whispers sweet nothings, to reel/guilt you back in, use your emotions against you.

 

He only cares about himself, not you. If he cared enough, he would have understood. Been sad, but would have allowed you to make this choice, breaking it off with him, as deep down he knows it's best.

 

I don’t think he even really realize how insensitive he is to me in a lot of situations. A lot of times it’s just him being selfish. Well, I take that back…he does realize how insensitive and selfish he is sometimes. That’s when the excuses and apologies come. I was so hoping he would say “I understand. We had a long run. I’ll miss you, but I understand”. He did agree to give me 3-4 days, but then he went back into how it would suck. I know it is my fault for not standing ground. I’ve been everything he wanted me to be and beyond, and I’ve put up with a lot of things without giving him any grief over it, and it just would have been nice to feel like he was willing to put what I wanted before his wants, and do so without getting upset at me for it.

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The thing that made trying to end the A so hard is that I’m really afraid of hurting MM’s feelings or having him angry with me. I like him a lot and I think he’s a good person overall, and it hurts me to think that I’ve hurt him (I don’t think he has the same sensitivity towards me). The pregnancy changed EVERYTHING for me. I don’t think it changed much for him, and I don’t think he even regards that the pregnancy was an “issue” for me. We not on the same mentality level regarding the R anymore. He thinks and pretty much acts like everything is the same. I tried and try to give signals that everything isn’t the same for me, but because I kinda get a vibe that “this is the limit of what I can give you” (which he reiterated) and “this is what I expect of you” I kinda fake through a lot of things that I’m not happy with. I really don’t know what to think or do anymore, and MM doesn't seem concerned about making it any easier for me.

BTW, your NC thread was one of two posts that I tried to use for encouragement to break it of with MM. Too bad it didn’t go so well.

 

don't worry so much about hurting him - he's not so much worried about what you are sacrificing. you deserve more and you know that. he knows that too - but still selfishly wants it all.

 

he's not going to make it easy on you. he bribed you with a gift? come on - unless the gift is signed and final divorce papers - it wouldn't be enough. he was pulling a weak manipulation card. i'd bet money it's a lame gift IF he's even bought one.

 

please just call now and tell him you need more and won't continue further.

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whichwayisup

He's a schmuck, and sky, it's for you to put YOU first.

 

For starters, just take a break.. Take time to think.. Just go NC. don't call him and make yourself UNavailable to him. Go from there. Spend time with family, friends and turn your cell off.

 

He isn't going to change.. He is who he is and the more you stick around, allow him to treat you like crap, with such disrespect, the more you will hurt and suffer.

 

What is it that you actually "Love" about him? What good does he truly bring into your life? Really think about this.. Take a step back, detach and think.

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Sweetheart, of course he's going to be upset if you break it off with him. Of course he's going to be disappointed. He will feel this way whether you do it today or 5 years from today.

He's told you he's given all he can give. You have to decide if that's enough for you. If it's not, you only make things worse for yourself by delaying.

 

Your story of being with MM for 19yrs and keeping NC when he tried to contact you was the other post that helped encourage me to break up with MM (well try to). All I could think is I so don’t want to be here for 19yrs. MM already told me things like “he sees us together 5 yrs from now” (10yrs in total) and “he can’t see himself not seeing me”. I don’t want to be his mistress my whole life. I thought I could do it. I tried to do it. But I crashed and burned. I don’t feel like I have the courage to give it another shot, and deal with his reaction again or how it makes me feel. And I am just so angry and upset with myself...f*ck, I really gotta figure some things out.

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whichwayisup
I don’t feel like I have the courage to give it another shot, and deal with his reaction again or how it makes me feel.

 

When you do decide to end it, you don't have to 'hear' him out. That's why NC will help you. You block him in everyway possible.

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Skylar, NC is by it's very nature one-sided and requires nothing from your MM. You don't have to accept second best. Do what's best for you and go NC.

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I don’t feel like I have the courage to give it another shot, and deal with his reaction again or how it makes me feel.

 

You don't have to give it another shot, or deal with his reaction. You don't need his agreement or permission. You never have to speak to him again.

 

All you need to do is block him from email and change your phone number so he cannot reach you. Then disappear.

 

People break up all the time, and they don't care whether the person they break up with is in favor of it. They just do it. You can to. You already have, actually. You told him you wanted out. Now just STAY out, stay off the phone, stay off email. Just disappear.

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...and he was telling me how he’d bought a surprise for me over the weekend and he hoped he could see me that night (but I’d probably have to wait until his W fell asleep).

 

So, did you see him over the weekend? After his wife fell asleep? What was the surprise he happened to buy you just before you tried breaking up with him? Does he often buy you presents?

 

In the end, it was like I never even brought up the idea of us not seeing each other.

Just like your pregnancy was a non issue? Like it never happened?

 

This sucks. I am torn between hugging you and smacking you.

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He's a schmuck, and sky, it's for you to put YOU first.

 

For starters, just take a break.. Take time to think.. Just go NC. don't call him and make yourself UNavailable to him. Go from there. Spend time with family, friends and turn your cell off.

 

He isn't going to change.. He is who he is and the more you stick around, allow him to treat you like crap, with such disrespect, the more you will hurt and suffer.

 

What is it that you actually "Love" about him? What good does he truly bring into your life? Really think about this.. Take a step back, detach and think.

 

You are right and that is how I started viewing things which is why I even came across the idea that I didn’t want to be with MM anymore. Just an example of the behavior I’m tired of dealing with in just the past 7 days since I tried breaking it off – I saw MM the night I tried to end it and 2 out of 3 nights after that. Saturday I told him I wasn’t going to be able to get out. About 1:30am, he tells me his W isn’t coming home (meaning he can stay out as long as he wants), but I told him I still couldn’t get out that night, that I was tired. Had I’d known earlier I would have made him a priority, but it was too late now. So he got ticked, said about 2 more words and the conversation ended. Then he called two hours later and left voicemails saying he hope I would come over, he’s thinking about me (yada yada), call him. The next day, he tells me he’ll try to get out after W falls asleep, he’ll call me at 9pm. He calls about 11pm, whispers he can’t, he’ll call tomorrow. Yesterday, he calls, says he’ll call me back in an hour. Then calls me 5hrs later to see if he can see me in a couple of hours on his way home. I told him no; I was busy (I wasn’t)… What is it that I actually "Love" about him? I don’t know. What good does he truly bring into my life? Absolutely nothing.

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he bribed you with a gift?...i'd bet money it's a lame gift IF he's even bought one.

 

LOL…yeah, kinda. I thought it was sweet though.

 

 

...and he was telling me how he’d bought a surprise for me over the weekend and he hoped he could see me that night (but I’d probably have to wait until his W fell asleep).

 

So, did you see him over the weekend? After his wife fell asleep? What was the surprise he happened to buy you just before you tried breaking up with him? Does he often buy you presents?

 

I did see MM that night after his W fell asleep. Actually, he had me picked him up. He bought me lingerie and a necklace. He doesn’t buy me gifts at all except x-mas and once on my b-day, but he’s bought me several gifts in the past couple of months.

 

In the end, it was like I never even brought up the idea of us not seeing each other.

Just like your pregnancy was a non issue? Like it never happened?

 

This sucks. I am torn between hugging you and smacking you.

 

MM didn’t even go into the doctor’s office with me. He told me “…he couldn’t take the chance of being seen by someone and it getting back to his W.” He called me about 15mins later and said “be sure you don’t look or act sad because they might not do it if they think you’re not sure. So look happy, okay.” Not to mention that I had to wait 2-2.5wks more to even go (which caused other issues) because he had to wait until his W went out of town…but then afterwards when he was so apologetic and comforting and sincere. And I felt so connected with him and it seemed like he genuine cared for me. Every time he does something that makes me think he’s a jerk, he does something that makes me think otherwise. But I don’t know if he does or not and its confusing. I'm leaning towards the latter though.

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Thank you everyone for the encouraging responses. It has really kept me thinking. I know what everyone is saying is true about ending it with MM. And deep down I probably know it’s true that MM is only concerned about himself. I don’t know if it’s a fleeting feeling, but it really helped me to think that maybe I can try to do this again. That it’s not a lost cause. I still don’t know how I’m going to bring it up to him again, but I don’t feel like its impossible to do anymore. I just hope I’m able to stand firm and stand up for myself next time.

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whichwayisup
but I told him I still couldn’t get out that night, that I was tired. Had I’d known earlier I would have made him a priority, but it was too late now.

But do you see how wrong that is? To move YOUR priorities all around for HIM? He is putting you DEAD last.

 

So he got ticked, said about 2 more words and the conversation ended. Then he called two hours later and left voicemails saying he hope I would come over, he’s thinking about me (yada yada), call him.

 

And, because you couldn't go see him, he gets pissed off. W..T..F. GET MAD about this Sky!! I certainly am. He's treating you like a piece of meat. Don't fall for this "I miss you, I want to see you crap."

 

The next day, he tells me he’ll try to get out after W falls asleep, he’ll call me at 9pm. He calls about 11pm, whispers he can’t, he’ll call tomorrow.

 

How flattering. And then he calls you later and can't "sneak" out of the house.

 

Yesterday, he calls, says he’ll call me back in an hour. Then calls me 5hrs later to see if he can see me in a couple of hours on his way home. I told him no; I was busy (I wasn’t)… What is it that I actually "Love" about him? I don’t know. What good does he truly bring into my life? Absolutely nothing.

 

Good. I'm glad you said you were busy.

 

With that said, re-read the bottom part. Time to just end it. Like ripping a bandaid off quickly. Just do it and be done with it. And then cry it out, grieve and make YOURSELF the number one priority.

 

You don't need him, no matter how good he *may* make you feel at times. All this other bullsh.it that you put up with IS messing you up and must be so draining. Good sex, chemistry, whatever.. It isn't worth losing "you" over this.

 

End it. Email him and just say that you are so sick of this and don't want to sneak around anymore, be on his beck and call, don't want to be the OW and you are DONE. Add in too, please respect MY wishes on this, but I'm telling you NOT to contact me ever again.

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fooled once

You know how I feel sky ((hugs))

 

Keep reading the NC thread; keep reading jt's story.

 

You can do it.

 

I hate how he told you to smile when you were on your way to do what you did. I hate how he wasn't there for YOU. Not physically, not emotionally...nothing.

 

Those gifts are bribery. I can't believe he bought you sexy underwear after what you have been through. That shows ME what he thinks of you -- you are the girl he has sex with. And what woman doesn't like jewelry.

 

FallenAngel gave you some fantastic advice -- try to see how we see you -- a wonderful young woman who doesn't value herself nearly like she should. You deserve more from a relationship. You deserve a man who will put your feelings ahead of his own at times. You deserve a man who isn't sneaking around to see you, whispering in the phone.

 

I hope you can break free --- you are entitled to have joy, happiness and love in your life.

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