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should I go for it?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 
 
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Old 25th June 2003, 2:39 PM   #1
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Question should I go for it?

I have a very confusing situation going on in my life right now and really need some insight on what to do. Right now, I,m in a relationship of three years. It just seems like we are not moving ahead and we are not falling back. It justs stays the same. He is working on his dream home to make his life complete where he can invite me and my daughter to live the american dream. We talked about marriage in the beginning, but that was it. When he talks to people he always says he doesn't want to get married anytime soon. What am I supposed to be a girlfriend for the rest of our lives? He spends all his time on this house and our relationship sets to the side. He is good to me but he doesn't give me the attention and affection I need. I love sex and here in the last few months it has really died down in our relationship. It went from 2 or 3 times a week to once or twice a month. He says it because he is so tired. He works 10 hrs at work and till 9 or 10 when he gets home on the house. Am I being selfish there? I'm right there helping him just so I can spend time with him.

I have this guy that I have been talking to about my problems and vice versa. I know this is wrong from the get go. He is married and has 2 kids. We get along so great!!!!! It's almost scary. The problem is, we have fell in love with each other!!!!! I feel so right with him and he feels the same. We want to be togther but, scared to take the step. I never felt this way about a person in my life. We both know this could be a wonderful and loving relationship , but we are scared to take the step. I can tell this guy my inner most feelings and sexual fantasies. I have never done that with a guy!!!!!! We have been together a few times and I can't explain the feeling that I had going through my body when he touched me. It was amazing!!!!!

I know that this guy cares more for me than my current boyfriend and that is sad. So, why are we not taking that step to be together? Please, someone explain it to me?

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Old 25th June 2003, 3:02 PM   #2
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YOU WRITE: "I know that this guy cares more for me than my current boyfriend and that is sad."

So is that so. You just love nasty situations. Instead of working with your boyfriend to heal your relationship or bring it to a clean close, you go out and steal a man from his wife. You have no idea the heartbreak and chaos you're in for. And all the days of your life, every single time your "new love" walks out the door, you'll wonder if he's going to see another woman to comfort her and take out of her problems.

This guy doesn't care for you at all. He cares for himself and the temporary jollies he can get from your attention.

I thing you ought to let your boyfriend know you no longer want a relationship from him because your needs aren't being met. Then I think you ought to look for you a nice, single or divorced man who is free and available and with whom a nice romance will not wreck families and cause heartbreak for many.

I am saddened that you allow yourself to be exploited by this new love interest in such a heinous way....without realizing it in the slightest.

YOU ASK: "So, why are we not taking that step to be together?"

Because he's got good sense. He's not going to leave his wife. You are just comic relief for him. You are just somebody to temporarily get his rocks of with. He's apparently sufficiently commited to his wife to at least stay married to her...maybe not be faithful to her.

You don't stand a chance with him. You are being played.

I hope ultimately you will take responsibility for all the mess you're in. Take a long nap, then a cold shower...then plan your life out with a little more consideration for yourself and the people around you.

If you went to a male professional therapist to discuss your marriage problems and he seduced you this way, he would be liable to pay you millions in a malpractice lawsuit and he could even go to jail under the right circumstances for such unethical behavior.
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Old 25th June 2003, 3:38 PM   #3
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Should you go for it...?

Go for what? He's a MARRIED man....what are you going to "go" for? Not only does he have a wife, but also two kids... how selfish do you have to be to ignore so many other people's feelings - those of your boyfriend, your new fling's wife, his two children, and also your daughter...

And Tony is right - how could you ever trust your new married 'boyfriend'? It's just a matter of time before he starts cheating on you too.
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Old 26th June 2003, 5:05 AM   #4
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This new man is just what you have been looking for for the last few months. You are receiving what you have been longing for from your boyfriend - tenderness, affection and someone who is interested in you and not pre-occupied in something else... but that is it!!!

I'm not going to go into the massive emotional/hurt bomb you would drop, as this has already been said. What I think is that you have been feeling ignored and more importantly, un-loved. Your boyfriend is doing the house etc for all the right reasons and can see a happy future with you in the new house, unfortunately he just can't see the present and that he is making you feel like this.

This new guy comes along and gives you everything you have been wanting for for a long time. This makes you feel wanted, sexy and loved again. But it's all a fallacy... this is just an illusion given to you by this new man.

I was in a similar situation earlier this year. A married women who I had known for sometime suddenly declared her love for me. Before I came to my senses we had started an affair (I was single at the time). It made us both feel wanted, loved and was very exciting. I suddenly came to realise from things she had said that her marriage was stale and she felt lonely, unloved etc. Her husband was to pre-occupied with working overtime (he was doing this so he could afford a deposit to buy a new house for them and the kids). We also talked about moving in together, starting again, moving away etc, but we also couldn't make the first step... why? Because we both new deep down that it was wrong, we both new what our relationship really was... a sham!

I also new that the reason she couldn't take the first step was because she had no intension of leaving her husband. I was just someone who could make her feel good, give her the love and attention she wanted and made her feel better. She would deny this when I would ask her. So one day I turned up at her house with a van when I knew her husband would be out and told her that it was about time we took the step. A step she had talked about so often and sometimes in detail. What happened?... she told me it was over and shut the door just like I knew she would. I have not spoken to her or seen her since!

Speak to your boyfriend. Try and sort things out. He may be so pre-occupied he doesn't realise that this is killing you and now driving you away!
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Old 29th June 2003, 4:43 AM   #5
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Main Entry: re·la·tion·ship
Pronunciation: -sh&n-"ship
Fromt he merriam-webster dictionary:

Function: noun
Date: circa 1744
1 : the state of being related or interrelated <studied the relationship between the variables>
2 : the relation connecting or binding participants in a relationship: as a : KINSHIP b : a specific instance or type of kinship
3 a : a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings <had a good relationship with his family> b : a romantic or passionate attachment

Im tired of people repeatedly referring to different kinds of relationships as "shams" or "fallacies". A relationship is what it is. If you love someone, you love them, even if it doesnt last, if you care for one person, you can still care for another, thers no limit, theres no magical monogamy safety switch. The whole reason a person gets into any relationship is to feel loved and wanted, its not unhealthy or selfish to want those things, if you make the other person feel good in return then you have a mutually satisfying thing going, enjoy it while it lasts. People manage their lives in different ways for different reasons, I love my husband and will never leave him, but Im also in love with a close friend of mine, its a confusing relationship, I know he'll never leave his wife. I know someday its going to have to end, but for now Im enjoying something that may be wrong but that Ill never regret because my feelings are real.

So my advice to you, do your best not to screw up too badly, follow your heart, let your head make a few decisions here and there, and ignore those who try to judge you for feeling something.
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Old 29th June 2003, 9:01 AM   #6
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Tired: ha. What a cop-out

Quote:
People manage their lives in different ways for different reasons, I love my husband and will never leave him, but Im also in love with a close friend of mine, its a confusing relationship, I know he'll never leave his wife. I know someday its going to have to end, but for now Im enjoying something that may be wrong but that Ill never regret because my feelings are real.
Geez, could it be more than a coincidence that the only ones who seem to support those who post here admitting to being involved with someone who's married/being a cheater..are those who are mistresses themselves??? Hmm, I don't think so.

Tired: you may *think* you love your husband, but TRUE love is based totally on mutual RESPECT, HONESTY, FIDELITY (emotional and physical). Your poor, poor husband......who's living his time on earth, in a lie.....being married to someone he TRUSTS is true to him, but boy how that isn't the case.

I think people who cheat on their spouses are selfish cowards. They want to have the best of both worlds......and they only think of THEMSELVES and THEIR NEEDS....not anything whatsoever about the needs of their spouse; their spouse's need to be with someone who's TRUTHFUL and FAITHFUL.

So you'll never regret betraying your husband like you are, because "your feelings are REAL"? That's a very 'interesting' way of justifying your unfaithfulness. I wonder how REAL your husband's feelings would be, if he KNEW THE TRUTH? Who do you think you are to withhold the truth from him? Doesn't he have the right to know that he's not the only man in your life? Doesn't he have the right to have ALL the information so that he can make an educated and informed decision as to whether he wants to remain with someone (you) who's betraying him and your marriage?

Hon, you don't really love your husband....because if you did, your conscience would never have allowed you to cross the line in the first place. And your married pal's wife, she's in the same boat as your husband......she deserves better than a husband who whore around behind her back.
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Old 30th June 2003, 4:20 AM   #7
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Re: Tired: ha. What a cop-out

Quote:
Originally posted by Just A Girl2


Geez, could it be more than a coincidence that the only ones who seem to support those who post here admitting to being involved with someone who's married/being a cheater..are those who are mistresses themselves??? Hmm, I don't think so.

Hon, you don't really love your husband....because if you did, your conscience would never have allowed you to cross the line in the first place. And your married pal's wife, she's in the same boat as your husband......she deserves better than a husband who whore around behind her back.
Here bloody here!!!

Well said Just A Girl2, couldn't agree more!
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Old 23rd July 2003, 1:57 AM   #8
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Wowza. Forums are HARSH.

Good god. This is serious stuff. Where are everyone's kid gloves? Gentle. Be Gentle. Wow.
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Listen, honey. Cool your jets with your married love. It's gonna hurt you big somewhere down the line. And if not you, it will hurt someone big. Think DEATH SOBS and SELF-ESTEEM CRUSHING HEARTACHE and kids that won't have that security that forms from the unconditional love of family.

Instead—
Talk to your boyfriend and try to work things out (if that's what you want).—or—Start again.

Just harden your heart for a while. There are a lot of people out there for us to love. This fella is special to you, obviously, but your whole relationship is built on a weak foundation—transference, covertness, all the emotional and none of the everyday.

You will promote a greater love in general by leaving this one behind.
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