Luckyluss Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 In my case, after 2 months of NC where all I did was cry, grieve and fantasize about how wonderful we could have been together and how sad I was to have lost the love of my life, I ran into him in the street. I was in shock but agreed to go with him for coffee later in the day. I needed to know what had been going on with him, and I needed to check my feelings after those awful 2 months. Long story short, after talking to him for a while, it made me realize how far from each other we were in terms of expectations and his version of our connection. He was dismissive of my reasons for going NC, as in " I don't understand why you didn't want to talk to me anymore as I didn't do anything wrong to you and I always did and will consider you a great friend", and didn't talk again about wanting to separate from his wife. That did it for me. I realized I had been living a fantasy in my head and was in a way glad to see that after those 2 months of NC I was able to see the real him, someone who had been capitalizing on my pity and feelings while having absolutely no intention of changing anything about his state of unhappiness in his marriage. I saw a person who was deeply depressed, confused and dismissive. As far as I'm concerned, even if he was offered to me now as a free man, I would never have him as a BF! That would be the end of me. So seeing him and really hearing him brought me closure. Not full closure because that will take a little longer to heal emotionally from my heightened expectations, but at least realizing that he is not for me. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Kind of a realizing that he wasn't as you thought he was? That kind of experience definintely hastens the "closure" aspect of moving on. (I don't believe in closure, but I can see how seeing him in this light helped you move on with a more realistic view of who he really was and what he was really getting from the A, vs. what you were thinking/feeling) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Luckyluss Posted January 25, 2010 Author Share Posted January 25, 2010 You're right, there may never be closure. The attraction is still there but I know he's not a suitable partner. The dream is shattered. I have much thinking to do. But what I wanted to say is, sometimes, there's something to confronting you demons heads on ... Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 You're right, there may never be closure. The attraction is still there but I know he's not a suitable partner. The dream is shattered. I have much thinking to do. But what I wanted to say is, sometimes, there's something to confronting you demons heads on ... I couldn't agree with you more, luckyluss! Confronting the demons head on is what has always worked for me too! And it is not always the pouplar advice. Good luck to moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 I have to say that the more I read stories such as these my position on NC had to lighten just a little. Sometimes it is good to see someone for who they are after some time apart. Kind of like when the lights come on at the end of the night in a club and you realize that you were not really dancing with Scarlett Johansen....yikes! Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 I have to say that the more I read stories such as these my position on NC had to lighten just a little. Sometimes it is good to see someone for who they are after some time apart. Kind of like when the lights come on at the end of the night in a club and you realize that you were not really dancing with Scarlett Johansen....yikes! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahah!!! Sadly I remember a few of those "You are not Brad Pitt?" moments myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Luckyluss Posted January 25, 2010 Author Share Posted January 25, 2010 ...at the risk of being flamed, as I've been before when I first gave it my best shot for these 2 months. I always say, it seems it;s a dogma on LS and I see life in too many shades of grey to believe in a single NC solution at all costs. The level of obsession was WAY worse during these months of NC when I put him (and my hopes) on a pinnacle. He was going to realize how much he missed me (and yes, he did miss me very much) and maybe get started working on his very unhappy marriage one way or another. No such luck. What made me particularly sad is when I saw him, is that I was able to measure the distance between his emotional intelligence (dwarfed) to his intellectual capabilities that so seduced me. It was painful to realize that this brilliant man was also weak, self-centered and unware of his own processes. Is that what I wanted for a partner? I don't think so. I'm so glad I ran into him. With time, perhaps we can even remain friends. Sometimes, seeing a person for what they are is the best reality check. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 (edited) ...at the risk of being flamed, as I've been before when I first gave it my best shot for these 2 months. I always say, it seems it;s a dogma on LS and I see life in too many shades of grey to believe in a single NC solution at all costs. The level of obsession was WAY worse during these months of NC when I put him (and my hopes) on a pinnacle. He was going to realize how much he missed me (and yes, he did miss me very much) and maybe get started working on his very unhappy marriage one way or another. No such luck. What made me particularly sad is when I saw him, is that I was able to measure the distance between his emotional intelligence (dwarfed) to his intellectual capabilities that so seduced me. It was painful to realize that this brilliant man was also weak, self-centered and unware of his own processes. Is that what I wanted for a partner? I don't think so. I'm so glad I ran into him. With time, perhaps we can even remain friends. Sometimes, seeing a person for what they are is the best reality check. No flames here. I don't think that NC is the total answer either. Sometimes you do need those "run ins". NC with my ex wasn't the answer for me either. I needed the repeated phone calls for him to reveal a little more of himself every time. It was those calls that helped me see him for who he really was. And honestly, who he really was, wasn't as bad as I made him out to be in my anger. But he still wasn't a person I wanted to ever be with in an intimate relationship ever again. Its the willful breaking of NC while lying to oneself about the real reason for the breaking of NC that most NC-pushers decry. Edited January 25, 2010 by NoIDidn't Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Interestingly enough...the number one thing that most so called "players" will tell you to do if you want to win someone back is NC. This is for many reasons. For one, it creates a longing. Two, right after a break up most people are vulnerable and clingy (AKA: unattractive) if you can avoid contact during this time they don't have to see you at your worst. So as great as it can be as a tool to heal...it can also create a dynamic for reuniting. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 ...at the risk of being flamed, as I've been before when I first gave it my best shot for these 2 months. I always say, it seems it;s a dogma on LS and I see life in too many shades of grey to believe in a single NC solution at all costs. The level of obsession was WAY worse during these months of NC when I put him (and my hopes) on a pinnacle. He was going to realize how much he missed me (and yes, he did miss me very much) and maybe get started working on his very unhappy marriage one way or another. No such luck. What made me particularly sad is when I saw him, is that I was able to measure the distance between his emotional intelligence (dwarfed) to his intellectual capabilities that so seduced me. It was painful to realize that this brilliant man was also weak, self-centered and unware of his own processes. Is that what I wanted for a partner? I don't think so. I'm so glad I ran into him. With time, perhaps we can even remain friends. Sometimes, seeing a person for what they are is the best reality check. I agree, that NC is not always the cure-all that it is made out to be, however I think that without the NC and all the time it gave you to reflect upon the relationship, you would have been much less likely to have experienced your "lightbulb moment" of clarity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Luckyluss Posted January 25, 2010 Author Share Posted January 25, 2010 I agree, that NC is not always the cure-all that it is made out to be, however I think that without the NC and all the time it gave you to reflect upon the relationship, you would have been much less likely to have experienced your "lightbulb moment" of clarity. FA: You may be right... Devil Inside: Yes my hopes were we would reunite, and they crashed when I saw him. But hey, times heals everything and all I have to deal with is the loss of hope. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 With time, perhaps we can even remain friends. Sometimes, seeing a person for what they are is the best reality check. My ex and I actually are friends now. We weren't when we dated because we went straight into a relationship when we met. I agree about the "reality check" part. Link to post Share on other sites
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