unhappylady Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 Hi I am an ex OW and never intend to go back to that hell again. Still sorting my head out and gain some clarity. My XMM left me feeling like I was the most unreasonable person in the world and I know I wasn't but a few things niggle me. I want to stop questioning myself and move on and need your thoughts. A few times XMM would off-load about how his wife openly wished he was dead and how they couldn't be in the same room together etc. The next thing he would be booking a family holiday 'for the kids'. Did any of you experience this and how did you work your head round it? Did you just accept it as one of the pitfalls of being with a MM with children? I couldn't and it was a BIG issue with us and I always spent the duration of his holiday in a meltdown. Your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
temple Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 He was lying to you, unhappylady. I'm sorry to say it, but I think he would say anything to get you to play a part in his little drama. You've been left feeling confused by a man who is incredibly confused himself. You cannot figure out a guy like this because he makes no sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 I think that if the MM is on a family holiday 'for the kids' the only 'real' difference for the OW is that she will hear less from him unless he is back from the holiday, as he'll probably have less alone time. Which is not such a big deal, compared to all the issues OW deal with. They are either still sleeping together or are not. He is either lying to you or he is not. He either actually wants to get a divorce or does not want to. A holiday 'for the kids' won't change a thing. Said that, I do not think your former MM had the right to complain and label you as unreasonable if you just could not accept his family holidays. Or the whole affair situation. If he meant to get separated anyway, he could have arranged separated holidays (him and the kids, his W and the kids), or he could have tried hard and figured out a way to help you feel better about it. Even better, he could have made up his mind sooner! In other words... the holidays are not the problem... the whole A situation is. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2010 Share Posted January 10, 2010 I agree with everyone else.. It also very well could be, he's completely OK with the status quo. Having two women who meet each of needs and he's totally gotten (is gotten a word??) used to having two women in his life and he does not want to choose. Then again, isn't this the case for MOST MM and MW? Just like how things are, and will tell little 'lies', 'omit truths' and even make false promises, just enough to keep both women at ease and happy.. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 He was just lying to you: playing the victim card to justify the A to you, saying how crap things were at home, so you'd keep seeing him, then making up a lame excuse (vacationing 'for the kids') so he could happily enjoy family time in front of you and STILL get away with it. Link to post Share on other sites
silverplanets Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 At best it means (imho) that he cares more for her (or his) happiness that he's going than for your hurt that he's going with her and you're being left behind. But is that news?? It's just a bad situation all round Link to post Share on other sites
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 Sorry your in that sitution. I hope you can find clarity and find a fresh start. Link to post Share on other sites
Moanin Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 As a MOW who loathes her husband (most of the time), I still go on vacations with him along with the kids. It really IS for the kids. It's not because I'm lying or trying to make someone believe something about my marriage that isn't true. My marriage is what it is.........bad. But we still go on vacations together as a family. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 11, 2010 Share Posted January 11, 2010 As a MOW who loathes her husband (most of the time), I still go on vacations with him along with the kids. It really IS for the kids. It's not because I'm lying or trying to make someone believe something about my marriage that isn't true. My marriage is what it is.........bad. But we still go on vacations together as a family. Yep am a XMOW and yes this is very true. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 A few times XMM would off-load about how his wife openly wished he was dead and how they couldn't be in the same room together etc. The next thing he would be booking a family holiday 'for the kids'. Did any of you experience this and how did you work your head round it? Did you just accept it as one of the pitfalls of being with a MM with children? I couldn't and it was a BIG issue with us and I always spent the duration of his holiday in a meltdown. Your thoughts? One of my very first threads on LS was about a similar situation - my then-MM's then-W booked a family holiday for them as a way to reconnect after he told her he was going to leave her. He didn't want to go, as he felt it would give her "false hope" but the kids were keen to go on the holiday and begged him to go along, as they didn't want to go alone with her. I had no issues with him going, but he really really did. He wanted out, not transferring a toxic situation to a different venue. He was acutely aware of what signals going away with her would send, and he wanted to avoid that at all cost. (In the end, he didn't go - a friend went instead. And shortly after that, he left her). Link to post Share on other sites
Author unhappylady Posted January 12, 2010 Author Share Posted January 12, 2010 Thanks so much for the responses guys. I appreciate them. I guess then that coping with family holidays is just part of being with a MM. Whilst they remain married life goes on and this is part of family life. It wasn't the actual holidays that upset me, it's what they represented - the fact that he wasn't leaving anytime soon despite what he said. I remember being obsessive checking the weather forecast in his destination, imagining what they would be doing, waiting for a text, crying,.....pathetic pathetic pathetic! 2 years of my life wasted! Never again! Link to post Share on other sites
silverplanets Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 I remember being obsessive checking the weather forecast in his destination, imagining what they would be doing, waiting for a text, crying,.....pathetic pathetic pathetic! 2 years of my life wasted! Never again! Been there, done that ... I had to drive under the airport flight path for work every day she was away as well which just rubbed it in ... then she returned, tanned all over (so topless with him) and played the "I feel you've gone distant from me" card .... as you say .. NEVER again !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts