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Sexless for two decades


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Hello. I am here for advice. I am a 50-year-old woman with a husband a couple of years older, and a daughter in her twenties. My husband is a high-ranking professional, and my daughter is doing very well at an Ivy League college. After two decades of being a homemaker, a senior management job in a foreign country landed on my lap, and I am now working again, commuting to see my husband four times a year. So what is the problem? We have been married 24 years, and we have not had sex for 20 of those years. No kissing, no hugging, no physical contact of any kind, but we do care for each other. In other words, we are very much like siblings.

 

While our daughter was at home, I was all right without the sex. She gave me all the hugs and kisses I needed. It was when she left that I realized how lonely I was in my marriage. I thought a successful career would make up for the loneliness, but being busy has not helped.

 

I am not particularly beautiful, but I am now considered attractive because I managed to to remain a size four by working out daily. And without a husband living with me, all my time is now for me. And being financially independent, I am able to pamper myself, and really look good.

 

With growing confidence in myself, my libido is back with a vengeance. I got a vibrator for the first time, and am using regularly.

 

I tried to discuss my loneliness with my husband many years ago, but he is unwilling to change, unwilling to go through counseling, unwilling to seek medical help.

 

I am not considering divorce because we are very happy as a family, and stronger financially as a couple.

 

And now, I have three men who want to satisfy me sexually. A divorced man in his fifties who is adventurous in the sense that he engages in threesomes. A married man also in his fifties who wants me as a mistress because his wife is no longer interested in sex. And a married man in his sixties whose wife is no longer interested in sex.

 

I would really like to start enjoying sex again. What do I do? I hesitate because I may fall in love with them. And that is possible because I am no longer attracted to my husband.

 

Any suggestions?

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Since truly you have a marriage on paper only, I just cannot consider this infidelity. In fact, I'm pleased for you!

 

Like you said, you have been starved for affection and intimacy so of course at this point in your life..you feel a bit empowered, curious, etc.

And you are correct in feeling so.

 

You have opportunities presented to you. OK.

 

Your hesitancy you say, stems from feeling that you could and do not want to - fall in love and get hurt.

 

Thats an important issue to pause about. You sound as though you have little experience with casual sex, the logistics of it, and the friendships involved. And - from the opportunities you listed, that is what is being offered. Which is all just as well, since you do not want a divorce and so have only that to offer as well.

 

Casual sex. Fun, exploring, etc. You have to wrap your head around that emotionally first...before you start swimming. If you can do that, go for it. Casual sex and a friendship...with no strings or expectations is not a horrible thing.

 

BUT: When you engage in any kind of secret relationship with a married man - YOU RISK A LOT. Your privacy, your family, your self respect, you also run the risk of disease and a psycho wife. Not to mention the fact that you simply have to be comfortable knowing that you are an unknown cancer in another woman's life.

 

If thats too much...pick a single guy.

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Do you think your husband would be up for an open marriage?

If so, you could take the single guy and everything's fine. It's not cheating if everything is out in the open.

 

Your husband doesn't want to have sex - does he expect you to be celibate also? That seems unfair.

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I hesitate because I may fall in love with them. And that is possible because I am no longer attracted to my husband.

 

Any suggestions?

 

It is very likely that you would fall in love - because of hormones released during physical intimacy.

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Sounds like a woman trying to justify an A to herself.

 

Before you leap...think about the consequences to you and your family.

 

Yes...there will be negative consequences if you have an A. You simply cannot fathom them yet. I would encourage you to read the stories here and get a better understanding of what you are jumping into.

 

Affairs almost always cause more pain than orgasms.

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silverplanets

It's really difficult being in a marriage like this, I know from experience.

 

In the end I did have an A ... and it really just proved what I already knew .. I WAS attractive and I DID need a more physical relationship than I was in.

 

Did I regret it, no not really, although it made the Divorce that i then initiated a lot bitterer than it would have been otherwise.

 

Looking back, would I do it again ... no, actually I wouldn't. I would simply proceed with the Divorce knowing that I wanted to be free and confident that I was a good catch.

 

An A interferes with you job, personal life and exisitng non-marital friends etc ... and not particularly in a constructive way (imho).

 

Buy hey, I did it and I don't regret it, so you need to go with what you feel comfortable with.

 

Be careful of falling in love with any married men though, if you've been lonely for so long you're really vunerable to that and to be honest you're going to get really hurt.

 

Also, if you fall in love with a single person you're then going to (at some point) want to get a divorce , and you've no guarantee how your H will take it ... maybe he will take it well, or maybe he will guilt you etc into trying again etc (bear in mind you guys have a lot of history together, and a daughter and he will be able to put together a very pursuasive argument). As you sound a decent person you'll bascially tear yourself apart between wanting to do right by the two people you now love.

 

if you just want a quick bit of action (and I don't blame you) then be honest with them up front and most of all be honest with yourself and ruthless with your emotions ... NO discussing the future etc etc ... it's just a slipperly slope if you do ...

 

It doesn't sound like you need the financial security of your marriage so why not sort out the paperwork and then go into future a free person :-)

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moaningmyrtle
Hello. I am here for advice. I am a 50-year-old woman with a husband a couple of years older, and a daughter in her twenties. My husband is a high-ranking professional, and my daughter is doing very well at an Ivy League college. After two decades of being a homemaker, a senior management job in a foreign country landed on my lap, and I am now working again, commuting to see my husband four times a year. So what is the problem? We have been married 24 years, and we have not had sex for 20 of those years. No kissing, no hugging, no physical contact of any kind, but we do care for each other. In other words, we are very much like siblings.

 

While our daughter was at home, I was all right without the sex. She gave me all the hugs and kisses I needed. It was when she left that I realized how lonely I was in my marriage. I thought a successful career would make up for the loneliness, but being busy has not helped.

 

I am not particularly beautiful, but I am now considered attractive because I managed to to remain a size four by working out daily. And without a husband living with me, all my time is now for me. And being financially independent, I am able to pamper myself, and really look good.

 

With growing confidence in myself, my libido is back with a vengeance. I got a vibrator for the first time, and am using regularly.

 

I tried to discuss my loneliness with my husband many years ago, but he is unwilling to change, unwilling to go through counseling, unwilling to seek medical help.

 

I am not considering divorce because we are very happy as a family, and stronger financially as a couple.

 

And now, I have three men who want to satisfy me sexually. A divorced man in his fifties who is adventurous in the sense that he engages in threesomes. A married man also in his fifties who wants me as a mistress because his wife is no longer interested in sex. And a married man in his sixties whose wife is no longer interested in sex.

 

I would really like to start enjoying sex again. What do I do? I hesitate because I may fall in love with them. And that is possible because I am no longer attracted to my husband.

 

Any suggestions?

 

Are you able to discuss this with your husband. That is can you tell him of your desire for a fulfilling emotional/intimate/physical relationship?

 

Can you also tell him that you yearn for this so much that you are willing to go outside the marriage to get it?

 

Even if you think the answer to these question is "no", I would still recommend you seriously consider it.

 

As a married woman whose husband had an affair I would have preferred the brutal truth from him rather than have him lie to me and betray me for years, which is what actually happened. It would have been the lesser of 2 "evils".

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bentnotbroken

20 years:eek:. I would tell my husband exactly what you told us. Tell him what you are considering and why. If he chooses not to step it up, why not divorce. Your child is grown, you are self sufficient and you can still be a family without being married. You will always be your child's parents and can share that experience.

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Yeah.......get a divorce! Then explore all you want.

 

I'm sorry but my reaction when I read your post is you are tooting your own horn about your life, (nothing wrong with that), but yet you are looking for permission to play around because you are too afraid to lose the security you have in your husband and the life you have with him. You might want both but you would be playing a dangerous game. You've probably been reading the threads here, if not......read again. More often than not an affair is a lot of pain, and heartache like you've never known. Do you really want to take a chance on that? Do you really want to take a chance on losing your security?

 

Yes, I have to admit I am afraid of losing the financial security, and the prestige of being married to him. I have implied that I would get sex outside of the marriage, and he simply shrugged. It would not be grounds for divorce...is what he said. I am thinking that this interest in sex is just a phase in my life, and that once I have it for a while, the urge will go away, and I can go back to my sexless marriage.

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You seem to love your husband in spite of an apparent rejection...

 

I would suggest that if you do not wish to pay for counseling .. then you may with to read up on what to do to strengthen your marriage enough for your husband to Approach you ... By this time other factors may have entered in - such as fear.

 

Possibly, it may work for you to Not discuss sex with him ... to take walks by yourself, and spend quiet time - to yourself .. Men seem to be drawn (sexually and emotionally) to quiet women ..

 

My opinion is that making love is one of the main reasons for marriage .. expecially at your age ...

It would not be good for you to fall into the trap of having this sacred intimacy with another ..

 

Should you not be able to work this out with your husband - you may want to consider other avenues, because if he is able to have sex - but continues to obstain from it - this is like a rejection..

 

If you and your husband do not stay together - Do Not have intimacy with another .. You will only be truly satisfied and happy with this sacred act of love - In Marriage - if not with your husband .. then another in marriage - only ..

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Boundary Problem
I am thinking that this interest in sex is just a phase in my life, and that once I have it for a while, the urge will go away, and I can go back to my sexless marriage.

 

I suspect you have gone numb - sort of like hypothermia. So you get warmed up again. Do you see yourself volunteering to be re-frozen?

 

Sex is the same.

 

Once you re-warm your sex life, I think you have to plan on wanting fairly continuous sex after that.

 

Just my opinion. So don't pick a one-off guy. Pick someone who will be around for at least a few months.

 

(Unless you get hormones changes in your body - ie "menopause".)

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I am thinking that this interest in sex is just a phase in my life, and that once I have it for a while, the urge will go away, and I can go back to my sexless marriage.

 

 

You will be opening up Pandora's Box. God forbid if you get some really good mindblowing sex after all these years, you won't be able to get enough. I wish you the best. Affairs are usually pretty messy.

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Boundary Problem
Affairs are usually pretty messy.

 

 

I agree.

 

Start with something easy and foolproof until you get your mojo back.

 

Don't start with an affair. They come with an olympic level of complexity and a virtually guaranteed broken heart for women. Not how you want to get your feet wet.

 

 

Maybe a younger man? who's single.

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I am completely serious when I say this. Have you considered a situation like "Hung" on HBO?

 

Your H doesn't seem to care if you get those needs met elsewhere. And you don't sound like you want a divorce, so maybe a male escort service is in order.

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I have implied that I would get sex outside of the marriage, and he simply shrugged. It would not be grounds for divorce...is what he said.

 

It sounds like he's telling you to go and have some cake. :)

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whichwayisup

It is very possible your H is doing what you're doing and is keeping it on the down low.

 

Question is, do you discuss with it him, hope he'll agree to an open marriage, like don't tell/don't talk about it?

 

Feelings get in the way as you know, and eventually you will have to choose between a passionless marriage and being on your own to do what you please. This situation can't go on for too long, before people get hurt.

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It sounds like he's telling you to go and have some cake. :)

 

 

Who's meeting his needs? What has he been doing for 20 years?

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crazycatlady

Its possible to have good sex without falling in love. But it can be difficult. Given that its been so long for you....I would be tempted to go for the younger man suggestion. And you know....I probably would go for it. That's too long to go without sex, even mediocure sex.

 

CCL

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It sounds like he's telling you to go and have some cake. :)

Yep, IMO keep your H in the loop and only have sexual relations with single men. You can use whatever 'buzzword' works for both of you. Your living arrangement lends itself to a legitimate EMA if your emotions do get involved. Just compartmentalize it like men do and you'll be fine. Be sure to let the single guy know you're married. Good luck :)

 

Who's meeting his needs? What has he been doing for 20 years?

 

I don't feel she really wants to know.

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The married men are OUT, they will cause you nothing but problems. You don't want to tangle in someone else's tango. Since you only see your husband 4 times a year, your daughter is grown, you have your own money....find someone you click with, someone younger would probably be best - will hopefully still have plenty of mojo left to help you rediscover your sexuality, preferably someone who has already been married before, has their kids, isn't looking to get married again and just enjoy them and don't stress.

 

In my eyes, that shrug gives you license to do whatever you need to do. He may or may not be doing the same thing, but the indifference your husband displays says he does not want to rekindle anything but is fine with the status quo, probably for many of the same reasons that you stated for yourself.

 

20 years is way too long to be sexless. Enjoy your fitness and financial stability and ability to be attractive even as an older woman and best of luck to you.

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Who's meeting his needs? What has he been doing for 20 years?

 

Both of us have not had sex for 20 years. I once got him as far as touching each other, but that was it. I think he has erectile dysfunction, but he will not deal with it. The lack of any form of physical contact is destroying me. With my daughter gone, I have come to realize the loneliness of being alone in a marriage, but I am not considering divorce because I do think that he is a good husband in many other ways. I am simply hoping that my libido will disappear, and I will be happy with being in a sexless marriage again. In the meantime, I would like to enjoy sex before I can no longer do so.

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whichwayisup

So it isn't that he isn't attracted you, he has ED and never got help for it, and it depressed him, enough to stop ALL intimacy with you..

 

This is different than him doing "his" thing and you doing "your" thing with other people.

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Both of us have not had sex for 20 years. I once got him as far as touching each other, but that was it. I think he has erectile dysfunction, but he will not deal with it. The lack of any form of physical contact is destroying me. With my daughter gone, I have come to realize the loneliness of being alone in a marriage, but I am not considering divorce because I do think that he is a good husband in many other ways. I am simply hoping that my libido will disappear, and I will be happy with being in a sexless marriage again. In the meantime, I would like to enjoy sex before I can no longer do so.

 

Well, I've got news for you; there are reports that women are having a sexual peak in their 40s and 50s and WELL INTO THEIR 90s, so don't think your libido is going to disappear anytime soon.

 

To me, it sounds like you are going to have a much larger, bigger long-term issue to deal with than the sudden resurgence of your libido.

 

While not 20 years, I was in a similar situation where, at the age of 45 and having not had sex for some time (almost 2 years and then a decade prior to that), I was mostly celibate. Now at 45, I have a ferocious libido which I expect will last for several more decades.

 

Sure, you can get the "immediate need" dealt with but this is not going to help you in the long run and, as many other posters have suggested, I would stay away from other marrieds -- that is a recipe for disaster.

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moaningmyrtle

Are you absolutely sure your husband wouldn't mind you having a lover?

 

There is a vast difference between having a bit of an argument where he obviously doesn't want to discuss it as well as him being dismissive about it (perhaps to get you off his back); and having a serious conversation with him in which you tell him that is exactly what you are going to do.

 

Also would you mind if your husband had a lover? How would you feel to find out that over the last 20 years he had been having sex outside your marriage with one or more OW?

 

I am older than you are, and post-menopausal and I can assure you that once you get back into the habit of having regular sex it doesn't just fade away again not even with the onset of menopause.

 

If you do decide to have an OM I would recommend that you don't consider a MM no matter what his situation with his wife unless you are completely uncaring about damaging his "innocent" wife or you have checked with her personally that she is OK with it.

 

These forums are testament to MM lying about their sex lives with their wives to OW and also lying to their wives about their capabilities.

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