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Am I the other woman? Rebound girl?

The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 7th June 2003, 3:36 PM   #16
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Now the saga's even more pathetic

Wow, based on the all around patheticness (yeah I know, not a word) of this situation, I'd just assumed that you and "your guy" were very young....late teens. To find out that you're 26 and he's damn near 30, that puts an entirely different spin on things.

Why on earth would you want to give the time of day to a guy who couldn't tell his ex about you? (I use the term "ex" loosely)

Why would you want to be with a guy who had you hide in the flippin closet while his ex stops by? Don't you have any self worth? Regardless of the fact that you're a "highly successful, highly paid professional" (same thing a prostitute could say to describe herself) or whatever it is you are, that has no bearing on one's self esteem or self worth.

Why on earth would you want to be with a guy who was old enough to accept the responsibilities of getting his long-time girlfriend PREGNANT, but cried "I'm not ready to be a Dad".....we're not talking about some 16 yr old punk here, we're talking about a grown man who was having some fun on the side with you, and he asked his girlfriend to get RID OF his own unborn child, because he didn't want it to mess things up with you. How sick is that? THis is the kind of man you want to give your time and heart to? No birth control is 100%..what if you get pregnant, do you think he's going to somehow stick around for you and your child? If so, think again. He's shown his true colors here in a zillion different ways. He's either a really spineless f*ckwit, or he's a master player who's got your head so screwed up that you can't even see the forest for the trees.

How could any woman want a man who would dump the woman he got pregnant? That is dispicable and disgusting. It's not much of a man at all. Especially at his age. And to think for 2 or more months there, he was seeing YOU...behind HER back, not telling her about YOU.....making you hide in the friggin broom closet, for pete's sake. Just how pregnant was she? In most states and in Canada, they won't do an abortion if the fetus is past 3 months if he'd made it clear initially that that's what he wanted her to do about the situation, and she felt no choice but to agree (must be horrible for a woman to be pregnant by someone she was in a long term relationship, who she deeply loved, only to find he doesn't want her or the unborn child)...then that MUST MEAN that she wasn't that far along in her pregnancy. the math. Seems pretty obvious that he was still sleeping with her during the early stages of him seeing you.

So you want to be with a guy who's screwing around on you/deceiving his ex, gets a woman pregnant while with you, wants her to "get rid of it" like it's a pair of dirty old shoes......??

Lady, you need some professional help.
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Old 3rd July 2003, 1:08 PM   #17
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I have been in your guys shoes. I suggest you get out now at least until he gets over her. He can never begin to have feelings for you when he is still hung up on her. He will be compareing you to her and you will lose because he still loves her. You have to give him time to get over her. That way if you do see each other at that point he will be seeing you not you compared to her..
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Old 3rd July 2003, 4:58 PM   #18
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i posted a reply before I read the whole story. My mistake. I believe that you are being played. I believe his ex has a reason to be a psycobitch and the fact that you are calling her names like thats reveals inner jealousy and that comes from somewhere. Could it be that deep down you know the truth. I hope it comes to you. It took me 2 years. good luck
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Old 3rd July 2003, 11:04 PM   #19
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I don't know, but in my situation at least, when a couple is best friends, lovers, back to best friends (haven't gotten past this part yet so i don't know what happens) I think it is VERY VERY VERY difficult to get over it. can it happen, probably. But if they are best friends that remain best friends through a break up, chances are, they'll be back together.

Think of a bond two people must have to be so close, be closer, than although feelings are hurt go back to best friends??????? when you break up with someone, you break up with them. YOu don't call them to check up on them.

Sure he may be attracted to both of you, but somewhere deep down, his emotions are at least being split between you and her, and that isn't fair to you. This guy needs to get over something, or go back to it, and it won't happen if you are in the game.

But mark my words, it is just opinion, a bond like that-the feelings he has-the ex still being in love with him(that's bull too, she doesn't want anyone with him but herself) they'll be back together.
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Old 6th October 2003, 5:52 PM   #20
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An update for all those people that didn't think this would work:

I'm sure you want to hear that things didn't work out between me and my boyfriend. Well, I can't tell you that because being together with him has been wonderful. We just celebrated our 6 month anniversary. The last 6 months have been heaven. We fall more in love with each other everyday. He treats me like a princess. And the ex - she's kept her word and has stayed out of our lives. Better yet, he's completely over her and doesn't even think about her.

He's so much happier without her. I can see that. I know a lot of people would say that once a cheater..., but there's a difference here, he actually left the ex to be with me. He chose me. I can't say that I'm not honored. I suppose I should feel bad for the ex, but I don't. I know a lot of people will disagree with me, but I don't care. The heart wants what the heart wants.

We have a duty to ourselves to find happiness and he's found happiness with me. I love him for who and what he is. He is good, kind, warm, generous, loving, honest and supportive. I know in my heart that this is the man I'm going to marry. Having already chosen me, I know that he would never cheat on me.
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Old 23rd October 2003, 3:25 PM   #21
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Erin my dear -

I hope for your sake that these romantic beliefs you cherish despite their rickety and threadbare character are in fact correct. To me, they reek of self-delusion which has become so severe it has driven out your judgment and compassion. Don't worry, we'll be here to pick up the pieces if/when necessary...
And mother always told me
Be careful of who you love.
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Old 22nd November 2003, 9:29 PM   #22
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Erin - I just went through a similar situation, except mine didn't end so well, and so here I am, just stumbled upon your post.

Here is my situation.

Guy and ex dated for 4-5 years (I never wanted to know exact timeframe). Guy fell out of love with ex, ex didn't want to break up but knows it was over, but didnt' want to admit it. So in the end, guy broke up with ex knowing he could never be with her and ex is still not over him. About 2 months after guy broke up with ex for good (it was a long process), he met me and we started dating. Guy and I never disclosed information about each other's past b/c we didn't want to know - it does no good in the beginning of a relationship.

Guy and I got really close and about a few weeks into dating, ex saw us together at a bar and flipped out on him. Guy got upset too, felt so guilty about it and at the same time was afraid to lose me b/c of it. We talked, I told him I'd be there for him through it and that I was understanding about it, how she is so upset. He said that more than anything he was afraid of losing me (b/c he is definitely over her, he just doesn't like seeing her hurt).

One week later, she is at the bar again and this time, he is so scared of her, he basically hides/runs away the whole night and doesn't talk to me. She corners him and gives him a hard time about stuff again and again we talk afterwards and he freaks out and doesn't know what to do. He decides he should give the ex time to heal b/c he feels that is the "right" thing to do. So we are over (indefinitely) and for the next week, I am totally crushed, crying like I never cried before and he is also very upset (according to mutual friends).

Finally, I can't take it anymore b/c there was so much that seemed unfinished and I deserved some more answers. So I call him up, friends say it is the first time he smiled in a week when he heard it was me on the phone. He comes over, we talk, and he decides he wants to still see me. So we are together again and although I am still nervous and obviously jealous about the ex, he reassures me all the time that things are fine, he is definitely over her, he just feels guilty. But since the ex decided she didn't want to talk to him b/c it would help her get over him, I feel that things are ok.

Guy and I keep seeing each other and have an amazing time, just like how things were before the whole ex situation came up. It was great.

Then last night, we were out for dinner and then watched a movie at his place. After the movie, we were getting intimate and then the ex situation comes up again, believe it or not, just when we were talking about having sex. He knows that I was unsure of having sex b/c of the whole thing, but I finally felt ready last night b/c he was very reassuring. Turns out that HE is more unsure now becuase he was thinking about the whole thing yesterday. He still feels really really guilty that he hurt the ex so much and never wants to hurt anyone like that again. We sit around talking (or more like not talking) in bed for a few hours and I am obviously very saddened/mad/upset about the whole thing b/c it's like..I thought the ex thing was over and then it all came up again. So I decided to leave even though we weren't done talking b/c I was just frustrated. He insists on walking me home b/c he wants to talk. He keeps talking and I have nothing to say b/c I just don't know what to say. He finally says that he can't do it - he can't go on feeling guilty and seeing me at the same time. We get to my house and I ask him if he is freaking out again and just running away from it all or does he know that this is really what he wants. He says "more the second one" - meaning this time he knows that he can't do this right now. So I am pissed, that I damn nearly had sex with this guy and THEN he tells me this stuff. So there was not much I could do but turn away. He wanted to hug me and I couldn't do that b/c I could not even look at him.

Erin - I knew exactly what you meant when you said that despite all that crap, you still wanted him back. I want him back ..I really do, because I believe that things could be great between us. But I'm sick of his inability to get over that guilty feeling!!! I'm sick of getting hurt because it seems like I'm the only one that gets hurt every time. At the same time though, I have never felt so emotionally attached to a guy - I am a very independent girl and usually never let situations like this happen to me where I get hurt.

I don't know what is going to happen now - I assume we will never see each other b/c it would hurt too much to do so. However we have mutual friends and are bound to see each other out.

Currently I am feeling very empty because I am so tired of this feeling of frustration and hurt. He is such a great guy though and we have had such good times together. Friends say that we are good together and that he truly likes me a lot for who I am and that he was over the ex long before the relationship was over so he will definitely not go back to her.

So..if anyone has words of advice, please send them on. Thanks.
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Old 22nd November 2003, 9:58 PM   #23
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I've found that "all the little bells" which go off when you are dating......turn into "great big GONGS" once you are married to them.

I think both Erin and Sarah should move along with great caution!!!
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Old 23rd November 2003, 9:09 PM   #24
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Sarah, I just don't think he's ready yet to commit to someone.

If people were honest with themselves and others, they wouldn't get involved until they were ready. But we are only human; and sometimes we look for a quick fix or a cushion to ease the blow. I'm really sorry you've hurt. It is really much easier when two people with clean and open hearts find each other! It sounds like you are ready, be glad. Because as hard as it is for you, it is much harder for him. You've probably had to get over somebody before, and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Good luck.
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Old 24th November 2003, 6:00 PM   #25
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Neonink - thank you.

I have only ever had to get over someone once before..a few years ago. It was hard, but I was also very young and didn't understand how to deal with things - plus it ended much in the same way that there was no feeling of closure.

I have a hard time believing that this is hard for him since it was him that wanted to end this. Im just really hurt and never felt so hurt by someone's pretty pathetic really..

I guess I am okay with things being over right now but I for some reason want to hold onto some hope..for later..but ..things are just so bad now..that it's hard..what if I never get over this pain that he has caused me and sometime down the road he wants to see me again?

I've posted this in the Dating section and some other people have given me some help there.

Thank you.
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Old 25th November 2003, 8:44 PM   #26
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sweetie- sorry to tell you this, but the guy is a waffling insecure noncommittal jerk- just recently had the same thing happen to me, I'd been on and off w/ a guy foir the past yr and a half...during the past 8 months we saw each other every weekend, he called at least once a day, celebrated birthdays only w/ each other, was each others best friend and lover and we just blended into "dating" w him always warning me not to pressure him, but that we were exclusive and i was his girlfriend we just had to rebuild trust....all the while referring to friends, etc as his "ex".

yes, he treated his ex like crap...he treated her as though she were his girlfriend,
when in fact, he didn't think there was a future but wanted to hold onto her and shop around a lil...i feel so sorry for her- to have gotten pregnant in that awful. he's crying b/c he cared for her and she is trying to cut him out...i did that to my guy- he writes how he wants to talk and misses's useless....some men just cannot commit to any kind of relationship.'ll treat you the same...and I'd bet there's a good chance when he does/if realize he wants to commit- she is his first choice.

he doesn't want to put up w/ the guilt trip, b/c really the man is crap...she's not a bitch and quite honestly I don't understand why you would want to be w/ a man who would treat a woman who he got pregnant like that?!?!? YOu think if you accidentally get pregnant he won't run as fast as he can!!!

He's still in love w/ her... he just doesn't want to be w/ her right now... when he has time to reflect and time goes by- most likely he'll go back w/ her...he's just waiting for her to calm down and forgive him. I'd make a sure bet if she calmed down and was nice to him- he'd get together as friends behind your back and be sleeping w/ her again....if she allowed him. He's only trying to cut her off to ease the hurt- b/c she's saying hurtful things. A couple of months later, he'll "spare" your feelings and be trying to contact her behind your back....
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