Introducing the MM to friends???

[Sabrina2009]

I am in a relationship with a MM who has an open marriage. MM and I have only been dating for a couple of months, and we seem to be evolving into a relationship that isn't just sex, but spending time together doing things we enjoy. However, so far, it's only been the two of us.

 

Only two of my closest friends know about the full situation. A few less-close friends know about my new "boyfriend," although I have been careful to position the relationship as relatively casual.

 

I have a couple of big social events coming up -- a party that I am hosting this weekend, and birthday parties being organized by friends for my upcoming 40th. I'd like him to be at these events, and he hasn't raised any objections, but I haven't asked him yet how we will talk about our relationship to others.

 

I'd like to ask him to not wear his wedding ring, and not mention the fact that he is married, but I'm a little hesitant to bring it up. So far, he has always worn his wedding ring, even when we are out in public. But I know some of my friends won't approve, and I don't want to have to go into long explanations to everyone, or have people judge either of us without knowing the full situation.

 

I know most people would find our relationship strange, or think that at the very least, that he is a jerk or that I am being naieve and stupid. But what we have works for us right now (we see each other 2-3 times a week, the wife knows, and I've even met her face-to-face).

 

But I suppose I'm still uncomfortable with talking about it to my friends. Any suggestions out there??? Is is reasonable of me to ask him to lie about his marriage to my more casual friends?

Edited December 29, 2009 by Sabrina2009
typo

[crystal_lostheart]

Why would you want to lie if you and him don't see anything wrong with what you're doing? Why take the wedding ring off? Because if you're asking him to do that then does it mean deep down you actually know this is not a good R?

[White Flower]

Why would you want to lie if you and him don't see anything wrong with what you're doing? Why take the wedding ring off? Because if you're asking him to do that then does it mean deep down you actually know this is not a good R?

I don't think it means it isn't a good R if Samantha is uncomfortable with the ring on.

 

It is not her discomfort about the R, it is her discomfort about her social circle. It takes an open mind to have an open M and be the third party in such. It would just make the party flow nicer if she didn't have to squelch raised eyebrows all night.

 

OTOH, the MM in this case may put Samantha's mind at rest by explaining he's done this many times over and finds that most people are accepting especially given that his W is accepting/participating.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't think it means it isn't a good R if Samantha is uncomfortable with the ring on.

 

It is not her discomfort about the R, it is her discomfort about her social circle. It takes an open mind to have an open M and be the third party in such. It would just make the party flow nicer if she didn't have to squelch raised eyebrows all night.

 

OTOH, the MM in this case may put Samantha's mind at rest by explaining he's done this many times over and finds that most people are accepting especially given that his W is accepting/participating.

 

 

Sabrina right? Or have I had one glass of wine too many?

[awkward]

Ask him if he is willing to not wear it and go from there.

[Sabrina2009]

Actually, both the MM and I are new at this -- his marriage only went open over the summer (at his wife's request), and I'm his first serious girlfriend. I think we are both struggling with how to define/manage our relationship at this point.

[D-Lish]

Actually, both the MM and I are new at this -- his marriage only went open over the summer (at his wife's request), and I'm his first serious girlfriend. I think we are both struggling with how to define/manage our relationship at this point.

 

I don't understand how this works?

If you are a serious gf, doesn't that endanger the marriage?

Don't open r's usually involve casual sex as opposed to serious third party partners?

 

Do you really like this guy?

Where can this relationship go? Are there any boundaries?

 

Sorry- I am full of questions- just curious:rolleyes:

[White Flower]

Sabrina right? Or have I had one glass of wine too many?

Ah, yes! Sorry Sabrina! I think I need a glass of wine!

[White Flower]

I don't understand how this works?

If you are a serious gf, doesn't that endanger the marriage?

Don't open r's usually involve casual sex as opposed to serious third party partners?

 

Do you really like this guy?

Where can this relationship go? Are there any boundaries?

 

Sorry- I am full of questions- just curious:rolleyes:

Usually boundaries are laid down at the beginning but if this is brand new to all three participants their boundaries may have a few wrinkles to iron out over the next few months.

[crystal_lostheart]

I don't think it means it isn't a good R if Samantha is uncomfortable with the ring on.

 

It is not her discomfort about the R, it is her discomfort about her social circle. It takes an open mind to have an open M and be the third party in such. It would just make the party flow nicer if she didn't have to squelch raised eyebrows all night.

 

OTOH, the MM in this case may put Samantha's mind at rest by explaining he's done this many times over and finds that most people are accepting especially given that his W is accepting/participating.

 

I just think so early in a R and already feeling uncomfortable...that can't be a good thing, especially considering the circumstances here.

 

But if she only looks at this as a slight problem, then I guess all she has to do is ask him if he would take it off?? It will either be a yes or no...then take it from there.

[Sabrina2009]

I don't understand how this works?

If you are a serious gf, doesn't that endanger the marriage?

Don't open r's usually involve casual sex as opposed to serious third party partners?

 

Do you really like this guy?

Where can this relationship go? Are there any boundaries?

 

hmmm... Like WhiteFlower guessed, we're still working out the wrinkles. I think that most open marriages are based on casual sex, so whatever this is that I am in may not qualify.

 

The story in a nutshell... started out casual (I answered his ad seeking FWB). He wanted a single "playmate," while his wife is more into casual sex with multiple partners. They aren't sleeping together anymore. I've read her blog and confimrmed this, and also confirmed my impression that their marriage is all but over at this point. But she is not able to be financially independent at this point, and they have a child to consider.

 

But after two months, MM and I are both already thinking what we are starting might end up being more than casual. We just "click" really well, and are really enjoying ourselves for the moment. I'm a pretty independent sort, but I'm trying to guard my heart for now, because I think I could fall for him all too easily. I'm going to see how things go, but for now, It's fun!!!

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think he should remove his ring. It comes with the package (temporarily).

 

They don't have an open marriage, though. Couples in a truly open marriage are still being intimate with each other. This sounds like a last ditch effort to avoid a divorce (for reasons like money, children, career, etc.).

 

Anyone that is disapproving usually does so out of their concern for your well-being, well, most of the time.

[D-Lish]

hmmm... Like WhiteFlower guessed, we're still working out the wrinkles. I think that most open marriages are based on casual sex, so whatever this is that I am in may not qualify.

 

The story in a nutshell... started out casual (I answered his ad seeking FWB). He wanted a single "playmate," while his wife is more into casual sex with multiple partners. They aren't sleeping together anymore. I've read her blog and confimrmed this, and also confirmed my impression that their marriage is all but over at this point. But she is not able to be financially independent at this point, and they have a child to consider.

 

But after two months, MM and I are both already thinking what we are starting might end up being more than casual. We just "click" really well, and are really enjoying ourselves for the moment. I'm a pretty independent sort, but I'm trying to guard my heart for now, because I think I could fall for him all too easily. I'm going to see how things go, but for now, It's fun!!!

 

Okay! Thanks, I am getting a better picture.

It sounds like you are already becoming attached emotionally- to one another!

 

I think that would scare me.

Have you guys ever discussed boundaries?

 

When you met his wife, how did it go?

[whichwayisup]

I'd like to ask him to not wear his wedding ring, and not mention the fact that he is married,

 

That is odd. He's married and in an open relationship.. His wife is OK with him being with others, yet you aren't OK letting people in your life know that you are with a MM in an open marriage? Asking to take his ring off and lie, isn't right. Either invite him as he is, or don't invite him at all.

 

Accept your situation as it is too. I do have to say, you better be careful of your heart.. Even though he's in an open marriage, it doesn't mean he's going to fall inlove with you and divorce his wife. Be sure this is what you want and how much you can handle, coz sooner or later your heart WILL take over, and you'll want more from him, more than he'll be able to give you.

 

Sorry, just my 2 cents..

[Fallen Angel]

That is odd. He's married and in an open relationship.. His wife is OK with him being with others, yet you aren't OK letting people in your life know that you are with a MM in an open marriage? Asking to take his ring off and lie, isn't right. Either invite him as he is, or don't invite him at all.

 

Accept your situation as it is too. I do have to say, you better be careful of your heart.. Even though he's in an open marriage, it doesn't mean he's going to fall inlove with you and divorce his wife. Be sure this is what you want and how much you can handle, coz sooner or later your heart WILL take over, and you'll want more from him, more than he'll be able to give you.

 

Sorry, just my 2 cents..

 

I agree and if he is always wearing his wedding ring despite the sorry state of the marriage as it has been described, then he has no intention of leaving his marriage, and OPs heart is just asking to be broken.

[Susmay]

As it's an open marriage any decision about whether wedding rings are worn by either party in the marriage rest with the 2 people who are married to each other.

 

If you really must ask then you need to ask them both as you are an adjunct to their open marriage, right? They should set the ground rules for their marriage which you either choose to agree to or not. If you try to get him to betray his wife by getting him to remove his wedding ring behind her back then you are no friend to their marriage, open or not. I'm not suggesting that is what you are doing as I simply don't know. But you need to be aware than in most open marriages (assuming you haven't misunderstood) there is an expectation of honesty between the married partners.

[Brokenlady]

I agree and if he is always wearing his wedding ring despite the sorry state of the marriage as it has been described, then he has no intention of leaving his marriage, and OPs heart is just asking to be broken.

 

I tend to agree with FA. I really don't think think sounds like a real Open Marriage. It sounds more like the W wants to have casual sex all over the place and the H went along with it begrudgingly. If they aren't sleeping togther, it's not hardly a marriage at all to be "open" or otherwise. This situation is not a cut and dry as you think and it spells trouble with a capital T.

[2sure]

In a truly open marriage, you would have met his wife because that is generally the way it is done, openly - all on the table. If you have not met or at least spoken to his wife, chances are good the marriage is not as open as he has portrayed.

 

But, assuming that his wife is aware of you specifically - they still have rules that they will not break. If he is wearing hos ring, it might be one of the rules. If you ask him to remove it and pretend he is not married...thats a betrayal. Would you be comfortable dating him if his marriage were not open and he was cheating on his wife? If not, then asking him to not be open, to lie, and betray is really not a good idea.

[silktricks]

Since you answered an ad for a FWB situation, you at least somewhat expected to be a 3rd party in a relationship. Since that's what you are in, just be honest about it. Socially it isn't very acceptable, but you don't truly need to go into that. It's no one else's business, since it works for the three of you.

 

Alternatively, you can ask the wife as well, and introduce both of them.

[doushenka]

It is not her discomfort about the R, it is her discomfort about her social circle. It takes an open mind to have an open M and be the third party in such. It would just make the party flow nicer if she didn't have to squelch raised eyebrows all night.

 

Then might I suggest he not be introduced to everyone at once? Perhaps the OP should have laid the groundwork with her nearest and dearest before she planned the party.

[White Flower]

Then might I suggest he not be introduced to everyone at once? Perhaps the OP should have laid the groundwork with her nearest and dearest before she planned the party.

I entirely agree!

[Susmay]

Since you answered an ad for a FWB situation, you at least somewhat expected to be a 3rd party in a relationship. Since that's what you are in, just be honest about it. Socially it isn't very acceptable, but you don't truly need to go into that. It's no one else's business, since it works for the three of you.

 

Alternatively, you can ask the wife as well, and introduce both of them.

 

This is a good idea and then you can introduce them as a married couple who are friends of yours. If his wife cannot attend then he is simply a married male friend of yours whose wife couldn't make it to the party. Either way there is no need to explain your part in their open marriage.

 

The problem arises if you have already told your friends and family that you are involved with him and have implied that you and he are in an exclusive relationship. This is probably something that you need to rectify pronto. Even if you fool everyone at the party, sooner or later they are going to work it out.

[Sabrina2009]

Thanks to everyone for the advice. Had a conversation about the party -- how, if he is going to be a serious part of my life, that would include meeting my friends (both the close friends that know he is married, and the casual acquaintances that don't), and we need to figure out how to deal with that.

 

Led to a much longer conversation about what we both want, where we are going (still not sure) and where his marriage is right now (all but over). I'm still cautious about the whole thing, and about giving my heart to this man, but for tomorrow, he's coming to my party as my date and without the ring on, which I'm happy about, because it just makes the social chitchat much easier on us both.