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Why is the Mistress blamed much more than the Cheating husband??


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Old 24th May 2003, 6:52 AM   #1
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Question Why is the Mistress blamed much more than the Cheating husband??

I hope this is not taken as offensive because I am meaning this comment and questions as an inspiration for debate, so forgive me if it comes across as negatively. These questions are not necessarily my views or opinions.

Why is it that the wives of cheating husbands always seem to blame the other woman?

Do you think it is because if they blame their husband, then they have to admit or realize that they are the ones that made a poor choice in a mate and married a disrespectful loser?

***Now this one IS very important to me....
Has the wife considered the possibility that the husband LIED to the Mistress and led her to believe that he was NOT married?

Or maybe that it is easier to blame the other woman otherwise the wife might (possibly) realize she was party to the breakdown or at least half responsible for him straying?

Maybe if she blames the other woman for "seducing and almost forcing" him into the affair, she would not have to take him down off of the pedestal or see him as less than the glowing prince Charming?

She would have to face that she is not "all providing" and "enough of a woman" for her husband, and this marriage is not the fairy tale life she envisioned?

Especially in cases of long term, deeply emotional affairs, the wife might realize that she is not loved and respected as she may have thought?

In the cases of husbands cheating with a younger, beautiful woman, the wife would have to face the mirror and see that she is aging and less attractive ?

Seems as if almost all the questions are really rooted in denial and low self-esteem issues?
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Old 24th May 2003, 7:30 AM   #2
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1. "Why is it that the wives of cheating husbands always seem to blame the other woman?"

They don't always blame the other woman. Most get pretty pissed at their husbands, too. If blame is to be given, it is usually split evenly.

2. "Do you think it is because if they blame their husband, then they have to admit or realize that they are the ones that made a poor choice in a mate and married a disrespectful loser?"

No. I think most women's fear is that somewhere along the line a man can be unfaithful and vice-cersa. This is never verbalized in the heat of early passion and romance. A man who cheats a few times may have been an excellent choice in a mate and very respectful, but showing a human side...some poor behavior, poor judgement and some disrespect on a temporary basis.

Some do blame the other woman for the reasons you state. In such an emotional situation, blame gets slung in all directions for those and other reasons.

3. "Has the wife considered the possibility that the husband LIED to the Mistress and led her to believe that he was NOT married?"

Oh, of course. This happens in a great many of cases. It's so much easier for a married man to find a willing mistress if he circumvents a long explanation by merely pronouncing he is single.

Whether any specific wife has considered that is impossible to answer. But eventually, most intelligent ones get to that frightening possiblity.

4. " maybe that it is easier to blame the other woman otherwise the wife might (possibly) realize she was party to the breakdown or at least half responsible for him straying?"

All kinds of rationalizing and dissonance takes place during this time. Most women don't want to take any blame here and they shouldn't. If a man is displeased to the point of finding it necessary to cheat, he should get divorced first. For many reasons, people fall out of love and attraction and desire to move on. It is the responsiblity of that partner to announce that fact to the other partner. It is never a partner's fault that the other cheated. It is ALWAYS the decision of the one who cheated.

5. "Maybe if she blames the other woman for "seducing and almost forcing" him into the affair, she would not have to take him down off of the pedestal or see him as less than the glowing prince Charming?"

Yes, you're right. But she's fooling herself. Nobody pointed a gun to the guys head, pulled down his pants, pulled out his penis, and stuck it in. As a matter of fact, few men could get an erection at gunpoint. It's an act of free will and a decision ONLY the man can make. Where the penis goes is fully a man's decision and he cannot be seduced without his permission...no matter how weak-willed he is.

If he's got a wife who is so deeply hurt that it makes her feel better to put it all on the other woman and preserve her Prince Charming, well I'd say he was pretty damned lucky.

6. "She would have to face that she is not "all providing" and "enough of a woman" for her husband, and this marriage is not the fairy tale life she envisioned?"

I don't think her being "all providing" and "enough of a woman" is relevant here. Men cheat for many reasons. Sometimes it's because the opportunity presents itself and they have little character, will power, etc. Sometimes really nice men just doing it out of curiosity...or because their next appointment isn't for two hours, thinking with their penis.

The woman cheated upon can react in any way she wants to. For the most part, I think she has realized her marriage isn't the fairy tale she envisioned it long before the cheating occurred.

7. "Especially in cases of long term, deeply emotional affairs, the wife might realize that she is not loved and respected as she may have thought?"

Most men who cheat love their wives with all their hearts. They just want a strange vagina...because it's exciting. Or they want a new, different, sympathetic ear. Or they are just bored sitting in front of the computer and are looking for a new use for it. Most men who cheat wouldn't want to lose their wife for anything in the world. Some have boring marriages but they still love their wives. Hell, I love my car but I would pay $100 to drive a Rolls Royce for a day. Most affairs are pseudo-emotional. They are illusions driven by a number of factors. But, yes, some people are in very cold, distant marriages and they seek emotional intimacy elsewhere instead of getting counselling or a divorce first.

Unfortunately, marriage...any marriage...can get stale over time if two people don't work like hell at keeping it lively and exciting. I've seen men from all walks of life, from ministers, to doctors, psychologists, cops, roofers...some well educated....some not....some brought up in wonderful, strong families, some not....cheat. Yeppers...all kinds of men from all kinds of backgrounds cheat.

The minister of a local church here in Tampa was forced to resign about eight years ago because he cheated with the wife of a deacon....honest to God (pardon the pun). If you want his name and the name of the Church, send me a private message. It's all public record and was smeared all ove the papers here. I just don't want to post that here on the message board.

Cheating is a lot more complicated that just saying it was because of this or that. There are a lot of factors involved. It's very natural for a wife to take it personally but that isn't often a warranted reaction. Well, the love part anyway. Respect...well, if a guy cheats, he certainly didn't respect his vows. If he works like hell to keep it quiet, that shows a measure of respect for his wife's feelings...but I suppose little respect for her. This is something that has to be analyzed case by case and how can you read the heart of a person?

8. "In the cases of husbands cheating with a younger, beautiful woman, the wife would have to face the mirror and see that she is aging and less attractive ?"

If she wants to. She can do whatever she wants. But the fact is that as men get older and begin facing their mortality, they seek ways of "staying younger and feeling younger." One of them is to seek out younger women. Many younger women are attracted to older men and many just want to see what that's all about so they encourage an affair.

If a woman or man doesn't realize that as they age they will look older and be less attractive, they are a taco short of a combination platter. Now, many people do take care of themselves and look incredible for their ages. At the same time, lots of younger women get fat, out of shape, let themselves go, etc. So a woman in her 50s or 60s who's taken care of herself can be LOTS more attractive than a woman in her 20s who has let herself go completely.

When you look in the mirror, you see what you have produced for yourself. Rational people accept what they see as a normal process. Irrational people can't handle it.

9. "Seems as if almost all the questions are really rooted in denial and low self-esteem issues?"

YOUR questions seem to be rooted in that. Do the questions have something to do with the person who's asking them? Have you recently been cheated on?

If you want to get better answers, try not to suggest answers in your questions. I've tried to answer yours objectively and have ignored the slant you put on them.

But, yes, there's lots of people in denial and lots of people with low self esteem. It takes emotionally healthy people with good self esteem to be in healthy relationships. And it takes lots of work.

I really have a lot of respect for those couples who are able to work through the trials of a betrayal, forgive, and move on to greater love. It doesn't happen often...but, then again, most people don't find out.

I think that when a partner finds out about a betrayal, the guilty party wanted them to...for lots of reasons.

You're up pretty early in the morning in California. Are you having trouble sleeping?
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Old 24th May 2003, 8:33 AM   #3
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from a woman's perspective

I largely agree with Tony's reply, but I will add that whether a wife or girlfriend blames the mistress is likely to depend on the circumstances of their relationship. If the mistress knows the wife/girlfriend, there is more betrayal involved -- some of that directly from the mistress. Getting involved with another woman's man is disrespectful and deliberately hurtful. Especially if you are supposed to be the woman's friend. But even if the mistress only knows the wife/girlfriend through the man, cheating with him is disrespectful and hurtful. She has smiled false smiles at the wife. She has pretended to be friendly, when in fact she is threatening the wife's marriage. Of course the wife is going to blame her to some degree for that kind of duplicity. And rightly so.

In fact, even if the mistress has never met the wife/girlfriend, but knows of her existence and knows that the man is cheating on someone to be with her, there is some betrayal. The mistress is participating in something that can only bring hurt to a fellow woman, a fellow human being. Someone who has never done anything to hurt her. How is that justifiable?

The only way a mistress is free of blame in a cheating scenario is if she was duped herself by the man, and had no idea that he had a wife. Women who blame the mistress under those circumstances probably do so for some of the reasons you've put forward, and just out of extreme hurt and grief. People get angry with other people when they are grieving, even if the other people weren't responsbile for the loss.
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Old 25th May 2003, 8:25 AM   #4
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i would like to make a reply on this subject.
just over a year ago,my husband of 20 years cheated on me,with his ex.
well,to this day,the pain,embarassment,and shame,has not or will not leave my mind.
you see,i didn't know any details of his marriage with his first wife.
i thought oh well,that was before my time.
i felt,if he wanted me to know,he would have told me.

however, my husband divorced his first wife,because she was cheating with the man she's now married to.
sure hope you can understand this!

and then 20 years later, my husband turns around and cheats with her,on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
is that bull crap or what???????????

you see,thay had only one child,which died at birth.
we have no children.
to make a long story short. my husband had a very bad back injury from work,plus,a heart attack,and cancer as well.
it all started in 98.
well,he did get his settlement and disibility.
i've worked all my life. but also after his injury,i was working and taking care of him.
after he managed,to get back on his feet,it all started.
im not to great at explaining myself,so i hope you can get this.

we live in a very rural town,everybody knows everybody.
well,i worked from 7 to 3:30 monday thur friday.
his ex(the bitch) worked diffrent hours.
her off days,were like thursday and friday.

this went on for like 3 years,before i could really prove it.
he treated me like a dog 100%.
why does a man treat there wife like a dog,when having an affair?
anyway,when it finally came down,to where,i could not deal with it anymore.
i confronted him to his face.he did not deny it.
he said yes,we are.
i said but why? after all we have been thru,and how i have been here for you during your sickness.
he said,its like this:
i loved my ex before i married you,i always have and always will!!!!
i said,but what about me????????why did you marry me then?
he said,i do love you,but in a DIFFRENT WAY!
CAN SOMEONE OUT THERE PLEASE EXPLAIN THAT????????
i would have died for my husband at one point,in our marriage.
but hell no not now!!!

anyway,after i confronted him,i went straight to her husband and told him.
after that,my husband,told me,since i told her husband,we were getting a divorce.
my world, was turned upside down.
i didn't care,if i lived or died. or that's how i felt then.
but as far as putting the blame on his ex.
well,it takes two to tango!!!!!!!!!!!!
however i ask him,which one of them,actually started the affair?
i said,that's all i wanna know.
he said,well, it was really both of us.
i have so many questions i want to ask him.
but he said,you better never throw this up in my face again.
NEVER!]

but you know,since i told her husband. and she got the crap beat out of her.
it's like i was the one who cheated.like i was the criminal here.
however we are still together,but to me,it's like only for convience,nothing more. i never really thought,my husband would cheat on me.
but,the ones who don't think or beleive there spouse would do that,better open there eyes.
a penis does not have no concience.
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Old 25th May 2003, 9:44 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally posted by maria

a penis does not have no concience.
Not to make you feel worse than you already do, but such a long-term affair involves more than just sex.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be very difficult. I think people remain vulnerable to the people who rejected them. If your husband had been the one to cheat on his first wife, he might not have been as interested in having an affair with her all those years later. As it is, the affair probably represents to him more than just sex: it's about getting back at her second husband (the man who cuckolded him), it's about his first wife coming back to him and saying "oh I was wrong, you're the one I want after all."

Sadly I don't think it has anything to do with you. Except perhaps a sense of guilt on his part, knowing that he used you as a stop-gap when his first marriage broke up, knowing that you were there for him through all of his difficulties. Some people can't stand to feel indebted to others, especially if they don't believe they are deserving of what the other person gives them. It's really warped, but they come to see the person to whom they owe so much as being unworthy of them -- it's the only way they can deal with it.

If you factor in your husband's wounded ego, he may have come to see you wth contempt: he was rejected goods with a lot of problems, yet you stuck through it all and loved him. Must be something wrong with you, because his first wife certainly didn't want to stick around. Then when the opportunity to start an affair with the ex came along, he had no problem being selfish and disrespectful to you and your marriage. People are really good at rationalizing themselves into believing that they and their actions are reasonable and even justified.

I can tell you're really hurt and I certainly don't blame you. I can see you have a lot of questions that are unanswered. I don't know if anything I've said here is helpful or accurate. But one thing is pretty clear: your husband isn't going to be able to give you any answers. He's not going to apologize. He's not going to suddenly see the light and realize what a fool he has been.

I think the best thing you could do for yourself is to move out of the house (or, if you own it, kick him out). File for divorce. Move out of town if possible. Not because you're running away or hiding, but because who in their right mind wants to be in such twisted company? The first wife was beaten black and blue by her second husband for her infidelity -- nice. Obviously they're a fine pair of excellent citizens. Your husband sounds equally refined and wonderful. Yuck. Who wants to be around that?

I can see you want answers, vengeance, etc. You can have them, but not from the direction you're expecting. They're not going to come from anyone but yourself, and they're not going to come by directly interacting with the people who have hurt you. See how warped the rationalizations are -- you were blamed for the ex's beating! That mindset is clearly a firmly entrenched pattern for your husabd. He sees things the way he wants to see them. He might be completely wrong but you will never, ever be able to force him to see that, or to talk him into seeing it. His warped ways serve his warped purposes.

The silly man is trying to get his own revenge by having an affair with a woman who dumped him 20 years ago. He's been willing to muck up two marriages, behave cruelly toward his wife who has been nothing but good to him, and generally behave like a complete jerk -- for what? For a woman who clearly has low morals, is probably a bit messed up and manipulative when it comes to how she interacts with men, and who was stupid enough to run off with a man capable of resorting to violence with her when she misbehaved. What kind of prize is she? And what kind of prize is your husband for wanting her?

You're far better off without any of them. Sorry to say this but your husband sounds like a loser. Why would you want anything to do with a man who has been so cruel to you?

When it comes to love, the best revenge is indifference. See this as an opportunity to start a new phase of your life. Don't look at it as twenty wasted years, but don't repeat the mistakes of the past. Staying with someone who isn't good to you is a mistake. It's better to be alone and answerable only to yourself than to be stuck with someone who treats you like a dog.

Good luck. I know you've got a long road ahead of you -- but we all do. You're just more aware of it at the moment. You can make this into a good thing for yourself if you want to.
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Old 30th May 2003, 4:49 AM   #6
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reply to midor:

it's maria here. thanks so much for your reply. i have thought of what your wrote all week as well.
you are so right in everything you wrote to.

but,i only wish,i had known!!!! i mean,i didn't know,his ex. had left him,until the affair!!! but hell,what does it matter now???

and also,i have thought over and over and over,day after day.
what is wrong with me? i mean,i just now turned 40,he is 52.
his ex- is i guess, is close or around 50.

i look in the mirror alot and think about that. i mean she's almost 10 years older than me.
i am 5'4,110 pounds not very pretty i guess. but she's not a beauty queen herself.

you know in our 20 years of marriage,i wouldn't know how to feel,to get a big hug,or a kiss,or even a cuddle in bed.
that's never been given to me. to all the ladies out there,if you do get that,''BE HAPPY'' please.

however i did tell my husband,when we got back together.
"what goes around comes around,back at you twice"!
but you know,i have thought about having an affair on him.
but why would i wanna put myself that low????
like them??????????????

i guess really im afraid to have an affair as well.apprently,there is something wrong with me.
but what? i try so hard to be a good loving wife.
maybe i care to much?is that possible?

maybe im not doing the right thing in bed?yes,i do have so many questions.never answered.

you know,he told me,when they first started this. he said,we only started out by talking before the sex that is.
the weird thing is.he would never talk to me,unless to benefit himself. i don't get it. excuse maybe?

also,the resemblance,of me and her is unreal. we favor the same,except the hair color.

i often wonder daily as well. are they still seeing each other?
but im so tired,of wondering,and worrying.

i just feel so unloved.to anyone out there who wants to cheat on there spouse.

" if you only knew,the pain,the insecurites,the sadness,of what an affair does to two lives".

thank you again,for taking the time to read this. maria
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Old 30th May 2003, 6:02 AM   #7
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Tony: From point 7 in your post, cheating seems a sure happen thing in most cases. True, marriage goes stale over time, humans are humans but we must still try hard so to be proactive and have more ideas, could you share how a wife can work hard to prevent a husband from cheating? given that one can't be any prettier than one is now? How do guys feel when women give verbal warning to prevent cheating? One can't keep mum about it for long these days...not the present day women.....
Thanks!
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Old 30th May 2003, 7:12 AM   #8
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to maria

Quote:
Originally posted by maria

and also,i have thought over and over and over,day after day.
what is wrong with me? i mean,i just now turned 40,he is 52.
his ex- is i guess, is close or around 50.

There's nothing wrong with you. It has nothing to do with how attractive you are, how good you are in bed, etc. It's about your husband being selfish and stupid. The only thing wrong with you is the fact that you're putting up with his behavior, instead of getting out of there.

I don't know what is keeping you in that marriage Maria. I know that in some communities women feel they must have a man in their lives, that a bad partner is better than no partner at all. I think that's a really warped way to view yourself. Wouldn't you be happier living in your own space, unhampered by a stupid man who has no affection or concern for you? Wouldn't it be better to spend all of your hard-earned money on yourself? Wouldn't it be better to not have to worry and wonder about what the creep is doing with his disgusting ex? There can't possibly be a good reason to stay with such a hateful loser as your husband seems to be.
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Old 30th May 2003, 4:18 PM   #9
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Maria: I hope you will get over the stage of thinking and comparing how you "lose out" to the other woman. Your husband is not a committed person. Instead, it will do you good if you start thinking of how to make your life better
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Old 9th July 2003, 11:56 AM   #10
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Does it matter?

It seems irrevalent who is blamed here. There are 3 people involved in these situations and they can all be partially to blame. If the husband ends the affair there are 2 options open to the wife. She can chose to continue the marriage and forgive the husband, or she can end the marriage and not forgive.
An ongoing relationship of any kind between the wife and the mistress is not usually something either of them would be interested in. So, why would it matter whether the wife "blames" the mistress? Would a mistress expect to be forgiven by the wife?
I don't understand why a mistress would care whether or not the wife blames her.
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Old 25th July 2003, 4:57 PM   #11
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The cheating husband should not cheat, because he very well knows that he's married. Problems within the marriage should be solved within the marriage. To start cheating with another woman/man :-) would only make the situation worse. Another problem will only be created.

The mistress should not be with a man who she very well knows is married to another woman. Even if he's so sweet and nice to her, she should always stop kidding herself that being with a married man is going to make her happy. She will be happy some of the times but most of the times she will end up hurt and sad.
So listen to your head instead of your heart.

Point is: If your married, you have problems within marriage. SOLVE THEM with the one you're married to.
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Old 26th July 2003, 12:05 AM   #12
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***Now this one IS very important to me....
Has the wife considered the possibility that the husband LIED to the Mistress and led her to believe that he was NOT married?



This is what happened to me and like it or not I am the other woman. He is younger than me, and he treats me like an angel. I knew him and was with him everyday for 3 months (military deployment) and it was 8 1/2 weeks before I found out that he was married. Doesn't make it easy for either one of us. He gave no clues what so ever that he was married so it was a total shock! But she shouldn't blame me, I had no idea.
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Old 14th August 2003, 11:46 PM   #13
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i am unfortunately, one of the women in the category who's partners mistress was known and a was pseudo friend. the affair lasted a year and it was only after he ended it that she told all.

although i feel great anger towards my partner for committing the affair, my anger and sense of betrayal towards her is greater. he is just a man after all. very little self control when it is handed on a platter, which it was in this case. she on the other hand tried every trick and manipulation possible to take him off me, playing on his insecurities and weaknesses, putting me down, bitching about me to other friends etc etc. as much as it takes two to tango, sometimes the third party is a little more involved than the regular mistress.

i know my partner is deeply in love with me, and has had some issues in the past. i under no circumstances excuse his part in the affair, and i also know that it wasn't my fault. the blame i guess goes to a lack of communication. he couldn't tell me about his insecurities about our relationship and that is the way he dealt with them. what's done is done.

we are still together, quite happy considering the events of the last month or so. he has proposed (he purchased the ring before i found out about the affair, so i know it is not a band-aid, i have seen the receipt), we are seeing a marriage counsellor about his sex dependency and other issues in our relationship (which is what we have called it, lol) and things are moving forward for us.

it is hard to get over her part in the affair. i am having trouble letting go the anger i feel towards her for her manipulations. she made it personal by trying to steal him. i would love to get my revenge but i guess i have to satisfy myself with the fact that in the end, she lost him. i didn't. nothing she did worked. i am the better person. and i hate to admit it, but our relationship is now all the better for it. not that i would recommend it as a relationship cure. it hurts too much.

so for those who are blaming the mistress for their husbands affair, every situation is different, some are blameless, some are pathetically hopeful of a fulfilling relationship and others are just downright bitches. i unfortunately got a mixture of the last two.

love does strange things to even stranger people. smile and be happy. its not the end of the world, its the beginning of a new life. whichever way it turns out.
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Old 15th August 2003, 9:27 PM   #14
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Quote:
although i feel great anger towards my partner for committing the affair, my anger and sense of betrayal towards her is greater. he is just a man after all.
I had to snicker when I read that he is just a man after all! I mean come on, these men know what they are doing! They are players and obviously do a great job of it.

We only see each other once a month and it is strictly business. But doesn't mean that I don't care about him any less, nor can I forgive him for lying to me. I feel cheated on as much as she would if she knew. It isn't always black and white and there is a lot of gray area here. You can't really blame someone who doesn't know! Salley
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Old 21st June 2004, 12:01 PM   #15
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I really don't like to pass judgement on people because you never know when you maybe in there shoes. However these are shoes I will never be in because if someone is married they took vowes with another.

Look you ask why do women catch more grief than men when it is the man cheating? This is why because he wouldn't get it if the women didn't spread her legs to him. If you got with a married man than you did'nt take the time to know him first and if you did you would know he is married.

But really in the long run you screwed yourself and really when it comes down to it your, your own worst enamy not anyone else. Cuz trust me "what comes around goes around" I don't care how black and white it seems to be the perfect feeling and the perfect love--- when bread is made it is white--- when it is baked it is yummy--- but if it sits long enough it molds.

I'm telling you this because no matter how perfect it is, it isn't. If he is married
he is married and if you know it shame on you cus trust me the doo doo blows both in all directions.
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