hopeless4u Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I'm curious if anyone out there has stayed friends with their AP? I ended my R with my xMM last week because I found out he was still being intimate with his W. As much as I know what we did was wrong I justified it by telling myself his M was all but over (he lead me to believe they had no intimate contact) and he was still there because of the 'situation'. This man did (and still does) do everything I want him to do for me, except leave his W. I have finally come to the decision he never will, he does love me, I have never doubted that but he loves his life more. As much as this breaks my heart, I am a grown up and I got myself into this mess. I know he will never leave me so I have to leave him and I have....well I have left the PA, the EA is still going strong, in fact I think its stronger than ever!! So how do you stay friends when deep down you know its just trading a PA for an EA? I'm confused:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I'm curious if anyone out there has stayed friends with their AP? I ended my R with my xMM last week because I found out he was still being intimate with his W. As much as I know what we did was wrong I justified it by telling myself his M was all but over (he lead me to believe they had no intimate contact) and he was still there because of the 'situation'. This man did (and still does) do everything I want him to do for me, except leave his W. I have finally come to the decision he never will, he does love me, I have never doubted that but he loves his life more. As much as this breaks my heart, I am a grown up and I got myself into this mess. I know he will never leave me so I have to leave him and I have....well I have left the PA, the EA is still going strong, in fact I think its stronger than ever!! So how do you stay friends when deep down you know its just trading a PA for an EA? I'm confused:confused: No, IMHO, you cannot be friends. You are still putting your life on hold for him by continuing the EA. You still haven't really let go. You don't seem to be angry. You don't seem to want to stop this. You seem like you are going to continue to be there for him, continue to be his sounding board and I bet, within a few weeks, you will be back in bed with him. Because You haven't let go. You need to let go all the way in order for you to really begin to move on. *hug* Link to post Share on other sites
Die Hard Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Yeah I think it's a horrible idea. You cannot be friends with someone you love/loved. Not when it was an affair, imo. Imo, it's just settling by another name. And if you do end up sleeping with him again, I take back my good on you posts. Your brain is trying to rationalize continued contact. You need to be self aware of this and control it. It will get easier but only if you stick with it. Seeing and talking to him will set you back big time, imo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 No, IMHO, you cannot be friends. You are still putting your life on hold for him by continuing the EA. You still haven't really let go. You don't seem to be angry. You don't seem to want to stop this. You seem like you are going to continue to be there for him, continue to be his sounding board and I bet, within a few weeks, you will be back in bed with him. Because You haven't let go. You need to let go all the way in order for you to really begin to move on. *hug* Yeah fooled you are right as always:) I think I just need that extra bit of a kick every now and then that I have got from LS to keep me heading in the right direction:) Its still good with me, I'm still strong. Its helped me so much just being able to ask the question when it popped into my head. I think thats been part of the problem before, when its all going round my head and there's no one there to ask, now I just type:) Thanks for the hugs xx Link to post Share on other sites
Tabbie Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 IMO you cannot remain friends. If you do you are just being used by him as you stated he is not leaving his W. Don't endulge a cake eater. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 Yeah I think it's a horrible idea. You cannot be friends with someone you love/loved. Not when it was an affair, imo. Imo, it's just settling by another name. And if you do end up sleeping with him again, I take back my good on you posts. Your brain is trying to rationalize continued contact. You need to be self aware of this and control it. It will get easier but only if you stick with it. Seeing and talking to him will set you back big time, imo. Yep you are right and I so know it. Settling for what we had just by another name is just so right. I will never sleep with him again, that is the only thing I AM sure of. I can promise everyone on LS who has given me advice that I will not do that again, well not unless he has D papers in hand:) He really is a good man though, thats the hardest part. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Yeah fooled you are right as always:) I think I just need that extra bit of a kick every now and then that I have got from LS to keep me heading in the right direction:) Its still good with me, I'm still strong. Its helped me so much just being able to ask the question when it popped into my head. I think thats been part of the problem before, when its all going round my head and there's no one there to ask, now I just type:) Thanks for the hugs xx So glad you aren't upset with me *hug* Keep posting! Keep going forward. And time to stop all contact with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Die Hard Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Yep you are right and I so know it. Settling for what we had just by another name is just so right. I will never sleep with him again, that is the only thing I AM sure of. I can promise everyone on LS who has given me advice that I will not do that again, well not unless he has D papers in hand:) He really is a good man though, thats the hardest part. And I PROMISE you that if you stick to your guns regarding no contact without divorce papers, that it will get better. The anxiety, pain and longing fade, but oh so slowly. It's like a drip from a faucet slowly filling a glass. It doesn't happen overnight but you WILL wake up one day and realize it's full. You WILL wake up one day and realize things have gotten better, and that will give you the strength to carry on. But for now you have to rely on your own tenacity in keeping no contact. It's a lot like when I quit smoking. Your brain will rationalize that if you quit for a month or two then you can have a few drags. Problem is you cannot have a few drags and expect to stay quit. It's a vicious loop that can only be broken by sticking to your guns and enduring the bad times while knowing good times will return. I'm proud of your resolve and I'm rooting for you! Not because I'm against affairs but because I was where you are at and I know you are on the road to feeling so much better. I do believe he is a good man as you say but good people don't always do the right thing and you have to take care of YOURSELF first!! The right thing for you is to be away from him if he cannot be sexually exclusive with you. Link to post Share on other sites
minutebyminute Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 You helped me so I am going to give you MY side, which can be taken for whatever its worth. Staying friends is a fantasy for you, hoping everything will work out and he will come back to you. Your thread made me remember what the OM asked me well into the A. "are you still sleeping with your H, I told him the truth, he asked when was the last time, I told him saying it was quick, to the point and just part of a marriage, which is how it really was, his answer was "Wow, okay." I think that is when he retracted from our relationship, seeking out his possibilities, knowing what I didn't, saying forget this. I on the otherhand, thought to sleep with my H, which rarely occured and was not good, was just a time saver to make everything okay for the H, but to figure out how to get out of this mess with as little hurt as possible. I really intended to leave the H for the OM, just couldn't figure out the pieces. I have kids, but if i'm not happy how could they be happy. He never had kids, could he care for them? I don't know if any of this applies to you, but I was in a constant state of turmoil, I wanted the OM so bad, so bad I thought I would just leave it all behind. In my case, that was not an option. Now, having the unthinkable happen, losing my business, house foreclosed on etc. I stayed with the H, we had to deal with all the loose ends together, it took two signatures, it was all our estate, etc. We moved but I still hung onto the OM, that's when near insanity I called in this blog... I don't think seeing this man or having any type of relationship is going to help you move on unless YOU IN YOUR GUT think it will. No fantasy. I think you should move on and if he comes back to you divorced or even going through the process, take him start over. . . Unless this happens, you will have to let go like me AND IT HURTS LIKE NO TOMORROW!! My thoughts are with you, stay strong and believe in yourself. . .that's all we have in life, no one can make us better, just ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I am a firm believer that former lovers can not be friends - not for a long, LONG time later at least. Angel1111's post shows me that my belief is mostly valid. She maintained a friendship with him - that was really an EA like you have been proposing - and it hurt her. She didn't really let go of the dream of "one day" and hearing how involved he is with his family and that feeling like she was an afterthought of all that, hurt. Friendships shouldn't feel like that. Link to post Share on other sites
redplanet Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I truly thought I could remain the best of friends with the person who I have known since I was a teenager (am now 49) - we fell in love in 2005 but when I went away at the end of last year for a few months, he left his W and fell in love with someone else (had always said if ever he left W, we would be together). Have been trying on and off between bouts of NC all year to stay friends. He keeps breaking NC that I initiate but I then respond to him, then realise how my inability to not respond is so incredibly detrimental to my wellbeing - Must be stronger and not respond. I have noticed I am gradually going backwards rather than forward with all this and it's absolutely crippling me. Now I have finally blocked his number, blocked email yet he still manages to contact me from public phone. So now I dont even answer my phone at all. It's just awful. I wish I was more emotionally able to handle the contact because I would love to be able to be friends without all the pain. I miss him terribly when we are in NC and I know he misses me too. NID - you're right. Friendships shouldn't feel like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 NO!!!!!!! simple as that, you made it up in your head everything you believed about him and you fell for it. Learn from it and move on. He does not want you. and you cannot be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 So glad you aren't upset with me *hug* Keep posting! Keep going forward. And time to stop all contact with him. I know I need to go NC and as soon as he has finished my kitchen Thats what will be done. I'm dreading it, I know how bad its going to be but it's better than me still sat wondering what he is doing with his W for the rest of my life. He's also taking me to a hospital appointment in 2 weeks where I have to have treatment, again I know I shouldn't but I'm really worried about it and he's just so good with me in 'situations'. NC will happen though and when it does I'll need LS more than ever!! Link to post Share on other sites
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