He left his wife....

[becky2009]

Well, He did it, He left his W almost a week ago, he seems to be very serious and set on doing this and is currently looking for an apartment (right now staying in a hotel)

 

I know I am going to catch he11 for this (please be kind) but I have decided to be there for him and give him support through this, I know this is a huge risk and I could end up getting hurt, but we have been friends for so many years I don't see it any other way.

 

Any advice from those who have supported MM through seperation & Divorce? What I should expect?

I am scared but very hopefull that this will work out in the end. (His W still does not know of the A)

[someonesangel]

Did he previously try to reconcile, ideally without being in the affair? or did he simply walk away?

 

 

Just my take, but I would have a better time if I actually thought they had tried together..... and would be more concerned if he left in emotions of the Affair.

 

 

Good luck:), I can only imagine but think it would be just as scary as him staying... simply for different reasons.

[becky2009]

Yes, we did break it off for him to try and work on his M, that lasted 3 months, and he has been in IC for 2 of those months.

[someonesangel]

Yes, we did break it off for him to try and work on his M, that lasted 3 months, and he has been in IC for 2 of those months.

 

 

Well, that has to give you a little more relief. Were they in MC as well as some suggest IC is not good if working on the marriage without MC as well.

 

 

You certainly have a long road, and only you know what to do.... I do know that I would do the same and support him.

 

As for your relationship.... if it happens, my suggestion would be to start over, date... take it slow and enter a new relationship... as it will never be the same as it was before, don't try to recreate... enjoy being able to talk/see/enjoy each other openly and don't assume to much.

 

Course.... what do I know! Good luck!!!

[Samantha0905]

Yes, we did break it off for him to try and work on his M, that lasted 3 months, and he has been in IC for 2 of those months.

 

Were y'all completely NC while he was trying?

[fooled once]

Well, He did it, He left his W almost a week ago, he seems to be very serious and set on doing this and is currently looking for an apartment (right now staying in a hotel)

 

I know I am going to catch he11 for this (please be kind) but I have decided to be there for him and give him support through this, I know this is a huge risk and I could end up getting hurt, but we have been friends for so many years I don't see it any other way.

 

Any advice from those who have supported MM through seperation & Divorce? What I should expect?

I am scared but very hopefull that this will work out in the end. (His W still does not know of the A)

 

You can be there for him; just don't "DO" the divorce for him. Don't tell him how to handle it, don't tell him what to ask for/give her. Just be neutral.

 

IF he left the wife for you ..... this could be bad down the road - COULD BE bad. He may come to blame you during the divorce negotiations, etc.

 

IF he left because he wasn't in love, wanted out of the marriage - then good for him. NO person should have to live in an unhappy marriage.

 

My advice is to not let him move in with you until at least a year has passed. Let him learn to navigate life on his own. Let him have time to grieve the marriage.

 

Good luck!

[becky2009]

Because we work together NC was not an option but did keep it to work only during the 3 months, we have been best friends for over 12 years and the A went on for 1 1/2

[DiDi123]

Does he say why he left specifically?

Was it for you?

 

I agree with trying to stay as neutral as possible during the divorce in terms of making suggestions. I don't think you ever want him coming back to you in the future saying you told me to do this or that. He seems stonger than most of MM's talked about here and has a spine. At least he made the first move. And lets hope its because he's unhappy in the marriage.

 

I would support him through it also if it was my MM.

[becky2009]

Did he leave for me? Yes, but the M was over a long time ago and this pushed him into leaving sooner.

 

This is going to be a very long hard road for him, I just hope he can stick to it, I am so scared of getting hurt again

[OWoman]

Any advice from those who have supported MM through seperation & Divorce? What I should expect?

I am scared but very hopefull that this will work out in the end. (His W still does not know of the A)

 

Expect a pretty rough time of it... at least, for a while. And even then, patches further down the line. Even men whose Ms were completely toxic still feel a sense of failure when they end - as if they should, somehow, have been able to make it all right.

 

When my fMM left his then-W, he went through a pretty torrid time. Contrary to all the advice to back off and give him space, I continued to support him. After all, I would support any friend going through a break-up, how could I not support the one closest to me?

 

He was in IC, he had great support from family, friends, colleagues and neighbours, but my support really mattered to him. I was not neutral when it came to advising him on his D - like his lawyer, I challenged him and pushed him to confront the consequences of actions and choices, obliging him to stare the future in the face and urging him to opt for a settlement that was fair - to all parties - for the kids, even if he couldn't bring himself to claim it for himself. Now, he's more than grateful for that - it's one fewer thing for him to harbour resentment over, one fewer thing to feel anger and bitterness about, because at the time he wasn't in a rational head space to make those calls unaided.

 

Many people say, take it slow, start the R over and date for a while. To me, this sounds unnatural and certainly didn't feel right in our situation. GEL, I know, moved in with her fMM straightaway, and they Md as soon as his D was through. I didn't move in straight away with my fMM - not because of any strong feelings I had about that either way, but because I had my own stuff to tie up before I could do so - and so it was a full six months before we lived together after he split with his xW. She did her utmost to stall or derail the D, but once it was through we Md as soon as we could. While it seemed to some people like undue haste, it was necessary so that we could be together (visa issues) but it feels completely natural to us, and the logical next step in where our R was headed.

 

Becky - the only advice I could sincerely give you is to play it by ear. Do what feels right for you at the time. If you feel the need to slow things down - particularly as you work together, and there may be other dynamics involved in that - then do. If you feel you need to be there more fully for him, then do that. But whichever way - recognise your own needs, and make sure you get those met (from him, from others, from yourself). Don't let this become all about him - there are two of you in your R, and you're both important. He has big issues to face now, but so do you and your needs are just as important.

 

Good luck - I hope it all works out for you.

[Jacky]

Good luck Becky, hope it all goes well.

 

I am glad to see someone who is in an unhappy marriage have the courage to leave. Yes he has taken a step for you but you need to remember both of you are as equally important in a relationship because it takes two people to work a relationship. Communicate about issues and be there to support each other.

[someonesangel]

Expect a pretty rough time of it... at least, for a while. And even then, patches further down the line. Even men whose Ms were completely toxic still feel a sense of failure when they end - as if they should, somehow, have been able to make it all right.

 

When my fMM left his then-W, he went through a pretty torrid time. Contrary to all the advice to back off and give him space, I continued to support him. After all, I would support any friend going through a break-up, how could I not support the one closest to me?

 

He was in IC, he had great support from family, friends, colleagues and neighbours, but my support really mattered to him. I was not neutral when it came to advising him on his D - like his lawyer, I challenged him and pushed him to confront the consequences of actions and choices, obliging him to stare the future in the face and urging him to opt for a settlement that was fair - to all parties - for the kids, even if he couldn't bring himself to claim it for himself. Now, he's more than grateful for that - it's one fewer thing for him to harbour resentment over, one fewer thing to feel anger and bitterness about, because at the time he wasn't in a rational head space to make those calls unaided.

 

Many people say, take it slow, start the R over and date for a while. To me, this sounds unnatural and certainly didn't feel right in our situation. GEL, I know, moved in with her fMM straightaway, and they Md as soon as his D was through. I didn't move in straight away with my fMM - not because of any strong feelings I had about that either way, but because I had my own stuff to tie up before I could do so - and so it was a full six months before we lived together after he split with his xW. She did her utmost to stall or derail the D, but once it was through we Md as soon as we could. While it seemed to some people like undue haste, it was necessary so that we could be together (visa issues) but it feels completely natural to us, and the logical next step in where our R was headed.

 

Becky - the only advice I could sincerely give you is to play it by ear. Do what feels right for you at the time. If you feel the need to slow things down - particularly as you work together, and there may be other dynamics involved in that - then do. If you feel you need to be there more fully for him, then do that. But whichever way - recognise your own needs, and make sure you get those met (from him, from others, from yourself). Don't let this become all about him - there are two of you in your R, and you're both important. He has big issues to face now, but so do you and your needs are just as important.

 

Good luck - I hope it all works out for you.

 

Excellent advise and far better than I gave.

 

The most important thing you can do is be true to yourself and make the decisions that are best for both - not because it is the "stat" ( e.g. letting him do it on his own).

 

I think in seeing the few relationships here and in life that have worked, it is because the OW never stepped back or took the "second" role.

 

OW - Quick Question for you. Did you and your husband separate before getting back together, did he try reconciliation with his W or was it a DDay and he chose you?

[HisSweetThing]

Many people say, take it slow, start the R over and date for a while. To me, this sounds unnatural and certainly didn't feel right in our situation. GEL, I know, moved in with her fMM straightaway, and they Md as soon as his D was through. I didn't move in straight away with my fMM - not because of any strong feelings I had about that either way, but because I had my own stuff to tie up before I could do so - and so it was a full six months before we lived together after he split with his xW. She did her utmost to stall or derail the D, but once it was through we Md as soon as we could. While it seemed to some people like undue haste, it was necessary so that we could be together (visa issues) but it feels completely natural to us, and the logical next step in where our R was headed.

 

I have never understood why people would advise people to take it slow and "date" and spend time on your own. That would seem unnatural to me too. After all that time waiting to be together, why wait any longer?

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Beck,

 

If he left his wife for you, he'll leave you for someone else.

Of course his marriage was over a long time ago...he was responsible for 50% of that.

 

You don't know all of it.

His marriage could have been soured by a previous affair for example.

HE WILL NOT TELL YOU THAT.

 

PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS.

 

My WW's OM got divorced during his affair with my WW.

 

He was trading in his wife because he had his own issues, and loved the newness and attention of my WW. Something that is never there in a marriage.

 

HERE WAS THE MISSING INFO that I obained from his EX.

 

Fiction

My first wife cheated on me so I got divorced

Fact

He cheated on his first wife

Fiction

My marriage is not working out, my wife walked out of MC

Fact

He told his wife that he got ANOTHER coworker pregnant, then his wife walked out.

Fiction

I am going to leave her

Fact

Told wife that he wanted to reconcile, then sprung a divorce on her

 

There is so much that you don't know about this man. You will never know until you are living together.

The only thing that you do know....factually....is that he was cheating on his wife, and left her for you.

The rest is bull****.

 

Do not support him.....DO THIS FOR YOURSELF.

 

Get well, admit and accept your wrongdoing here.

Heal yourself.

Work on your self esteem....you deserve more that this!

 

You did not win over his wife.

His wifes shortcomings are exaggerated, and his part has been minimized.

 

Or....the old 'I am not in love with her'.

As you know, love is an action word, not a feeling.

The action he performed was a divorce....which is not loving.

[becky2009]

Thank You for your advice!! Thank you OW, I really think he needs his best friend right now.

 

I would love to hear from GEL as well : )

 

I have known him for many years and this was not just a fling, I do KNOW him VERY well. I am still scared and I know he has a lot of things to deal with and playing it by ear seems to be the only thing I can do right now.

[65tr6]

I am scared but very hopefull that this will work out in the end. (His W still does not know of the A)

 

You are scared because ?

 

What is that you want in the end ?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

How long has be been married? Most people NEED a best friend during something as traumatic as a divorce. People who have been married a long time, are coming out of a R with at least some type of issues. What happens when you hit a nerve? Need to talk to him about what you need in the R? It seems that things change when it should all of a sudden go from being about him to being about the two of you. Look up Wild Soul's posts while your at it also, though I don't think they had been friends as long as you and your MM.

[becky2009]

You are scared because ?

 

What is that you want in the end ?

 

 

I am scared that he might go back, that I have been through so much in the last year and a half, and I Love him, I want this to work out, I want to be with him and spend the rest of my life with him.

 

I am scared of everything he has to go through and I have never felt this way about anyone, I know he loves me too...I just want it to work and everyone be okay.

I am crying as I am writing this...it has been a very emotional day! I am sure there are many more to come

[becky2009]

Becky - the only advice I could sincerely give you is to play it by ear. Do what feels right for you at the time. If you feel the need to slow things down - particularly as you work together, and there may be other dynamics involved in that - then do. If you feel you need to be there more fully for him, then do that. But whichever way - recognise your own needs, and make sure you get those met (from him, from others, from yourself). Don't let this become all about him - there are two of you in your R, and you're both important. He has big issues to face now, but so do you and your needs are just as important.

 

Good luck - I hope it all works out for you.

 

How did you get past the fear of him going back to her? He has given me no reason in the last week to believe he will but there was back and forth on his decision for over a year.

[whichwayisup]

If you're scared of him going back, then back off. Allow him time to adjust, time to heal and grieve the loss of his marriage. Allow him time alone. Don't BE THERE for him 24/7.

 

If you two are going to have any kind of future relationship, the affair dynamtic HAS to disappear and right now it hasn't and it won't if you are in his daily life. He has OTHER friends, family, even a therapist who can help him through his D, or separation. Just because he's "supposedly" moved out, doesn't mean anything in the long term of things.

 

It will be a very unhealthy relationship and dynamtic between you two if you rush into this. He has TONS to sort out, so don't put any expectations on him.

[Samantha0905]

Were y'all completely NC while he was trying?

 

I asked this because if you weren't, he didn't honestly try. Not at all. And I hope that wasn't flattering to you because it was very unflattering of him.

 

If I were you, I'd stay as far away from him as possible. If he wants to contact you when his divorce is final, that would be a good time to decide whether you'd like to date him or not. Everything else is just crap.

 

I have a friend who is going through a divorce and dating someone fresh from being separated. He told me he loves her and thought he was in love with her at first for a while -- when it was new and exciting -- but now he just wants space and she's way too serious. His reasoning is he is going through the turmoil of a divorce, so why would he immediately hook up with another permanent partner regardless of how much he cares about her? It's just bad timing. Lots of dishonesty, etc.

 

I think anyone needs plenty of space if they are going through a separation, divorce, etc. When it's over, they need time to get to know themselves and learn how to be happy on their own for a while.

 

You need to get away from this. If it's meant to be -- which it seems like it is not -- it will still be there when he is completely divorced and has been on his own a while. He owes his wife that much respect. He owes you that much respect.

 

And in the meantime, by all means date. You may meet someone with whom you ARE meant to be.

[someonesangel]

I asked this because if you weren't, he didn't honestly try. Not at all. And I hope that wasn't flattering to you because it was very unflattering of him.

 

If I were you, I'd stay as far away from him as possible. If he wants to contact you when his divorce is final, that would be a good time to decide whether you'd like to date him or not. Everything else is just crap.

 

I have a friend who is going through a divorce and dating someone fresh from being separated. He told me he loves her and thought he was in love with her at first for a while -- when it was new and exciting -- but now he just wants space and she's way too serious. His reasoning is he is going through the turmoil of a divorce, so why would he immediately hook up with another permanent partner regardless of how much he cares about her? It's just bad timing. Lots of dishonesty, etc.

 

I think anyone needs plenty of space if they are going through a separation, divorce, etc. When it's over, they need time to get to know themselves and learn how to be happy on their own for a while.

 

You need to get away from this. If it's meant to be -- which it seems like it is not -- it will still be there when he is completely divorced and has been on his own a while. He owes his wife that much respect. He owes you that much respect.

 

And in the meantime, by all means date. You may meet someone with whom you ARE meant to be.

 

Wow, you seem to certainly see this as a NOT.

 

I think OW and GEL are great examples and as much as many want to believe it doesn't work out, that is not always the case.

 

I think suggesting she is true to herself, and honest with herself through this is a little less " forced down her throat" than a highly negative post.

 

Just my opinion, but this just screams textbooks.... and as some here have shown - not all are by the book

[whichwayisup]

Keep in mind, he has TWO children, 11 and 14 years old. This whole situation is out of your hands. As I said before, allow him time and space. Do not continue the A, don't have sex with him either. Point him in the direction of counselling before he comes to you as his shoulder.

 

There is going to be ALOT of adjustments, that is, if he does actually end up divorcing. You said he's left before, but went back afew weeks later. Tread slowly here.. His wife has pull over you, not because of their kids, but because she is his wife, they have a long history together.

 

As for OW and GEL, their MM's didn't drag it out, they stood their ground, set rules and each of their MM fought to be with him. NOT too many MM or MW's do that for their OW, that is rare. Obviously it happens, but it's done as quickly and painlessly as possible.

[jennie-jennie]

Keep in mind, he has TWO children, 11 and 14 years old. This whole situation is out of your hands. As I said before, allow him time and space. Do not continue the A, don't have sex with him either. Point him in the direction of counselling before he comes to you as his shoulder.

 

There is going to be ALOT of adjustments, that is, if he does actually end up divorcing. You said he's left before, but went back afew weeks later. Tread slowly here.. His wife has pull over you, not because of their kids, but because she is his wife, they have a long history together.

 

As for OW and GEL, their MM's didn't drag it out, they stood their ground, set rules and each of their MM fought to be with him. NOT too many MM or MW's do that for their OW, that is rare. Obviously it happens, but it's done as quickly and painlessly as possible.

 

Obviously both Becky and the wife has pull on this man. He has been torn between them. He has gone to IC, which is the very thing to do in this kind of situation, according to the textbooks about therapy I have been reading as of late. Hopefully, this has helped him to make a decision he can stick with.

 

Becky is already in a relationship with this man. I am certain she will do what she can to support him during this difficult time.

 

I wish you two the best, Becky.

[someonesangel]

Obviously both Becky and the wife has pull on this man. He has been torn between them. He has gone to IC, which is the very thing to do in this kind of situation, according to the textbooks about therapy I have been reading as of late. Hopefully, this has helped him to make a decision he can stick with.

 

Becky is already in a relationship with this man. I am certain she will do what she can to support him during this difficult time.

 

I wish you two the best, Becky.

 

 

Agreed and if all would stop creating a future from history everyone, including those that reconcile could benefit.

 

There are clearly those that will support reconciliation/M at any cost.

 

While they were not in full "NC" they have been apart (dark as a BS would put it) and as long as Becky remains true to herself, and honest about the challenges they have as good a chance at reconciling their relationship as a couple does reconciling the M.

 

On that thought, I am almost surprised no one through out statistics to her, as they are in the M's favor.

 

My IC and I were talking early on and I told her I knew all the stats, had done my homework. She laughed, literally and said since when would such a private affair yield any real answers. She works with many who have divorced with A, and the truth -- by the time they divorce, no one would say it was the A that caused it, it only opened the door. She also said any MC or IC that uses those stats to persuade thier patient, should have thier license revoked!