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Does anyone still miss their AP even years later?


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I have been out of my A 1 year and a couple of months now and have maintained NC for 2 months. There are some days I still find that I miss my XOM and it just seems so ridiculous that I still have this going on. I have recently discovered another A that my H has had (I received an anonymous email from an OW and my H is still denying anything that has happened) and I think that is contributing to my thinking more lately of XOM.

 

I am deeply saddened that we no longer have a friendship. When we were carrying on the friendship after A ended between us, whenever he didn't email back I would be deeply upset which is why I decided to go NC. NC is really difficult right now because of this newly discovered A on my H's part. I want to maintain NC. I need to be strong right now.

 

Do any of you years out of an A still ever miss your XAP? Has anyone gotten to a point where you feel nothing when you think of your XAP?

How long did it finally take to REALLY move on without thinking of your XAP?

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I don't know how different it would be really, but it took me about 2 years before I quit thinking about my ex-husband.

 

My ex-AP it took me about 2 minutes...:laugh:

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LakesideDream

ladydesigner, I understand I really do. For me it's literally been years. The story is a long one. My answer is certainly yes. I think about her evey day. I miss her every day.

 

I suppose that's better than never having enjoyed her company at all.... I suppose.

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My AP ended it with me a little over two years ago for a year. She wanted to make an effort to mend her marriage and of course she didn't think it was possible if I was in her life. What hurt the most is that she never officially ended it with me.... she just kind of distanced herself. After a few weeks, she would try to flirt a little until I kind of blew up on her and told her to back off. Our relationship was strictly professional (we were co-workers) until a work function we had to host. I remember walking in the door and seeing her standing there in her evening dress looking absolutely stunning. I guess I had been going on resentment for a while, but every bit was erased at that point.

 

It was still about tree months before things were officially back on again. I didn't want to jump back into it because being separated from her was so very painful. And it was the friendship that I had missed the most. She was my best friend and one of a very few people that I could confide in.

 

So to answer your question, it hurt for months afterwards and I missed her until the moment we got back together, even though I wouldn't admit that to myself at the time.

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NowhereToHide
I have been out of my A 1 year and a couple of months now and have maintained NC for 2 months. There are some days I still find that I miss my XOM and it just seems so ridiculous that I still have this going on. I have recently discovered another A that my H has had (I received an anonymous email from an OW and my H is still denying anything that has happened) and I think that is contributing to my thinking more lately of XOM.

 

I am deeply saddened that we no longer have a friendship. When we were carrying on the friendship after A ended between us, whenever he didn't email back I would be deeply upset which is why I decided to go NC. NC is really difficult right now because of this newly discovered A on my H's part. I want to maintain NC. I need to be strong right now.

 

Do any of you years out of an A still ever miss your XAP? Has anyone gotten to a point where you feel nothing when you think of your XAP?

How long did it finally take to REALLY move on without thinking of your XAP?

 

 

I hope more than anything that it doesn't hurt for that long.

 

Everyone says that you really can't start "counting' time until you go NC. So, while your A has been over for a year, you've only really been NC for 2 months. And every time NC is broken, you set the clock back to 0.

 

My attempt at NC has been spotty at best. I have tried several times with him usually "baiting" me in some way to come back (yes, I realize that I'm taking the bait). I've realized how incredibly passive-aggressive he is... he wants me, but pushes me away.

 

I will say that it does get better. Once I stopped talking to him regularly and especially stopped seeing him on Facebook, then the healing began. I'm only "officially" one week of NC -- and I'm anticipating him contacting me again. But I'm stronger now.

 

Maintain NC. I know you miss him. But he's an empty well. You will be so much happier 6 months from now with him in your past.

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LD...sorry you are still missing him. I know how tough it can be. 13 weeks NC for me tomorrow..and yeah I still count. However, I do feel light years ahead of where I was. Sure I miss her here and there...but it is not as frequent or intense.

 

I do agree with your insight that the recent discovery of your husband's recent affair makes you miss him more. In so many ways he was your comfort. He was the one that would make you feel good about yourself when you needed the validation, when you needed to feel better about what your H had done.

 

Hang in there. I am always here for an encouraging word of you need it...you know that.

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At times I did. It was years ago --- like 10+ :laugh:

 

He was with me through some hard times and I will always be grateful that he was in my life at that time.

 

But, like with so many things in life, I have moved on and grown.

 

I can honestly say the only time he comes to mind is when I am on here. Other than that, he doesn't cross my mind. Scratch that - if I hear of the area where he went to college, I think of him. Not in a "I miss him" way, just in a rememberance sort of way.

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mybrowneyedgirl

this makes me sad. im only i guess officially a few days into NC but i want to stop thining about it already. after the recent events im not feeling that longing for him like i initially did (and this makes it SO much easier) but little things remind me of him. like a song, or the type of soda he drinks, or hearing a funny story and wanting to tell him. the list goes on and on and on. i just cant stand the idea of feeling like this for months or years. i hope it stops sooner than later.

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Well, mine has not been for years...but I have not seen my xOM for many, many months..yesterday, he came to my town and after this drawn out discussion of whether we should see each other or not- we had lunch together--ugh, I didn't realize I missed him that much. It was very awkward. I didn't know whether to bump fists with him, shake his hand. give him a hug--but he enveloped me in his arms...and I cried like a nut-sheesh...all the familiar feelings sorta came back---in my mind I was saying this : "oh yeah, that cologne"..."oh that smile"....but..my mind was also really far away...I have moved on....

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It took me about a year to stop thinking about her, and about 3yrs for forget everything...favorite songs, reminders, flashback...we had the affair going on for 2yrs+ and friends for about a year before that.

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Ld, I cannot imagine the pain you are enduring at this time. Your xAP was most likely your confidant and the first person you wanted to speak to in regards to your home situation. I have been NC for about 12 weeks(stopped looking at the calendar) and I seem to be missing my xAP even more. Our A lasted a year and we were friends for 12 years. Unfortunately, I depended on him more than God during my difficult times.

 

I highly recommend taking this time to depend on whoever or whatever you believe in spiritually. Hang in there and please be strong.

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Thanks for all the wonderful responses. Glad to see I am not alone in this. NC has been tremendously hard for me, but I am sticking with it. There are times I just want to contact him and just spill the beans about my H's A and how much of a great listener and friend he has always been... but I no longer have that :( He would always make me feel a lot better. I know I need to find a way to make myself feel better and I am working on that.

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Untouchable_Fire

Do any of you years out of an A still ever miss your XAP? Has anyone gotten to a point where you feel nothing when you think of your XAP?

How long did it finally take to REALLY move on without thinking of your XAP?

 

Not really. I moved on after about 1 week. It was a really hard week though.

 

Whenever I think about her, I just feel guilty... and kind of pity her.

 

I think if your obsessive about it, that just means your current relationship sucks, or you have super low self esteem.

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Whenever I think about her, I just feel guilty... and kind of pity her.

 

And this is probably how XOM really feels about me. It is hard for me to stomach that he got over me so easily. It hurts deeply. I hate to think that he has pity for me. I wouldn't want that.

 

 

I think if your obsessive about it, that just means your current relationship sucks, or you have super low self esteem.

 

Bingo and I feel it is both for me.

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Whenever I think about her, I just feel guilty... and kind of pity her.

 

so you had an affair with a pitiful woman? It figures.

 

I think if your obsessive about it, that just means your current relationship sucks, or you have super low self esteem.

 

Does this mean, your "then current" relationship when you had the affair was great but yet you still had the affair? or your "then current" relationship became great only a week after the affair ended? If that is so....wow!!!! pretty impressive!

 

Because see, I don't think I have low self-esteem-it's kind of hard to get low self esteem when the stbxh wants to court me again,and the xOM(now divorced) still wants to marry me. I realized I missed him when I saw him again because I truly cared (and still do) about him...I don't think it has anything to do with the above reasons your mentioned.

 

I don't know, it just seems like your post has this underlying tone to inflict further pain to those who are still trying to heal <shrug>.

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Untouchable_Fire
And this is probably how XOM really feels about me. It is hard for me to stomach that he got over me so easily. It hurts deeply. I hate to think that he has pity for me. I wouldn't want that.

Bingo and I feel it is both for me.

 

LD,

 

We men compartmentalize very well. It's a requirement for some of the things we need to do in life. You should not feel bad that he seems to move on so quickly.

 

My pity comes from the fact that I understand what the relationship actually was... and she still lives in a fairy tale. I spoke with her 2 years ago... she isn't angry with me anymore because she found a new MM to waste her life with.

 

so you had an affair with a pitiful woman? It figures.

Does this mean, your "then current" relationship when you had the affair was great but yet you still had the affair? or your "then current" relationship became great only a week after the affair ended? If that is so....wow!!!! pretty impressive!

Because see, I don't think I have low self-esteem-it's kind of hard to get low self esteem when the stbxh wants to court me again,and the xOM(now divorced) still wants to marry me. I realized I missed him when I saw him again because I truly cared (and still do) about him...I don't think it has anything to do with the above reasons your mentioned.

I don't know, it just seems like your post has this underlying tone to inflict further pain to those who are still trying to heal <shrug>.

 

Though I pity her... I don't think she is pitiful. She is a nice person who consistently makes self destructive choices. I realized quickly that though she thought I was some kind of soulmate... the reality was that I was just filling her short term emotional need.

 

I'm just trying to be honest with you... not interested in hurting your feelings.

 

Yes, it feels good to be chased by 2 guys at once, but if your self esteem was high... you would not need that. When I was at my lowest point... that was when I was the most selfish. I didn't like being that person, and I'm glad to not be there anymore.

 

I'm not familiar with your situation. Fill me in and I might be able to provide you some insight.

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LD, take this for what its worth.

 

Before marrying current H I had a long term affair with this particular MM. He was the one I enjoyed the most. I liked him, I cared about him. But when I moved on from him, it was not difficult in the least. In the 4 years I have been married, Ive thought of him a few times but never missed him.

 

Now, since finding out about my H's multiple infidelities....for some reason I find myself thinking about this guy a lot more. About the sex sure, but also just him. I dismiss the thoughts, but still . Your post just made me think one has something to do with the other.

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Yes, it feels good to be chased by 2 guys at once, but if your self esteem was high... you would not need that. When I was at my lowest point... that was when I was the most selfish. I didn't like being that person, and I'm glad to not be there anymore.

 

I'm not familiar with your situation. Fill me in and I might be able to provide you some insight.

 

Untouchable_Fire you are right about the self-esteem issue. When I orginally found out about my H's first affair I think it took a huge blow to my self-esteem which immediately led me into my A with XOM. You are spot on with this. Sheesh I pity myself for having been so vulnerable, but now it is time to regain that self-esteem in a much healthier way. Thank you for explaining yourself further your post makes perfect sense. I too now realize the relationship I had with XOM was made of fantasy material, but in the light of my H's new A I find myself thinking of him again and it is very destructive. I need to stop these thoughts, my XOM just isn't worth it.

 

Now, since finding out about my H's multiple infidelities....for some reason I find myself thinking about this guy a lot more. About the sex sure, but also just him. I dismiss the thoughts, but still . Your post just made me think one has something to do with the other.

 

2sure i have always loved your posts. How true this is...oh how true it is. My H is a serial cheater as well and why I stay, I don't even know why I stay, maybe that is a self-esteem issue too :(

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Untouchable_Fire
Untouchable_Fire you are right about the self-esteem issue. When I orginally found out about my H's first affair I think it took a huge blow to my self-esteem which immediately led me into my A with XOM. You are spot on with this. Sheesh I pity myself for having been so vulnerable, but now it is time to regain that self-esteem in a much healthier way. Thank you for explaining yourself further your post makes perfect sense. I too now realize the relationship I had with XOM was made of fantasy material, but in the light of my H's new A I find myself thinking of him again and it is very destructive. I need to stop these thoughts, my XOM just isn't worth it.

 

No, he isn't worth it.

 

Many of the people who are OW's in this forum are here because they were cheated on in either a previous relationship or a current one. It's a huge blow to your self esteem.

 

You don't have to be in situations like this. Your life is filled with men who don't really value you. They only treat you like this because you allow it. Take away their permission to treat you poorly. Kick them out of your life, and they will either learn your value, or go away forever.

 

Don't just take what other people dish out. Decide how you want them to treat you and don't accept anything less! There are plenty of guys out there who would worship the ground you walk on. When you hate yourself it's hard to find that attractive, but once you fix your attitude... it's awesome! Believe.

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I so feel your pain. I think about my xOW every day after two years + of NC I still think of her. I think people on this forum thnk Im whacked but I cant help it. The pain has lessened slowly over time but I do think of her often and I hope she is happy and healthy.

 

I think that over time you also will feel better and think of your AP less and less but I believe it really was love then you will always remember to some degree.

 

 

 

NL

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I'm just trying to be honest with you... not interested in hurting your feelings.

 

Actually, you are not hurting MY feelings nor should you be interested in hurting me-(I do not think I am important in your life)...but probably some who are actively trying to heal. I am not here trying to get over being left or not being chosen...so that's not my deal. I just don't think saying what you said about OWs was coming from an honest and pure place.

 

but if your self esteem was high... you would not need that.

 

My self-esteem is not high, it is just right. I did not need it to be high. And it is right not because of some person(s),it is right because of me.

 

I'm not familiar with your situation. Fill me in and I might be able to provide you some insight.

 

No insight needed from you, but thanks...I am in a good place :)

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Untouchable_Fire
Actually, you are not hurting MY feelings nor should you be interested in hurting me-(I do not think I am important in your life)...but probably some who are actively trying to heal. I am not here trying to get over being left or not being chosen...so that's not my deal. I just don't think saying what you said about OWs was coming from an honest and pure place.

My self-esteem is not high, it is just right. I did not need it to be high. And it is right not because of some person(s),it is right because of me.

No insight needed from you, but thanks...I am in a good place :)

 

I'm glad your in a good place. :cool:

 

Just make sure your treating the people around you with respect and honesty.

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LakesideDream

Self Esteem... what's that? It's funny even ironic that people just assume men will be "strong" and "get over" emotional injuries. I don't recover well at all. Maybe it's my age.

 

While I don't "give up" I do "give in" to the hurt, especially when it seems that I am powerless to change the situation.

 

I am so very tired of "being stong". It would be priceless to be able to share.

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I have been out of my A 1 year and a couple of months now and have maintained NC for 2 months. There are some days I still find that I miss my XOM and it just seems so ridiculous that I still have this going on. I have recently discovered another A that my H has had (I received an anonymous email from an OW and my H is still denying anything that has happened) and I think that is contributing to my thinking more lately of XOM.

 

I am deeply saddened that we no longer have a friendship. When we were carrying on the friendship after A ended between us, whenever he didn't email back I would be deeply upset which is why I decided to go NC. NC is really difficult right now because of this newly discovered A on my H's part. I want to maintain NC. I need to be strong right now.

 

Do any of you years out of an A still ever miss your XAP? Has anyone gotten to a point where you feel nothing when you think of your XAP?

How long did it finally take to REALLY move on without thinking of your XAP?

 

i think abbreviations are getting out of hand.. i can't decipher this :)

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