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a friend's story...


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 
 
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Old 17th October 2009, 10:20 AM   #1
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a friend's story...

I have long thought about doing this post, but have shied away because it's not my story to share, but a very dear friend's story. But, it's why I read here when I am a single woman involved in a monogamous relationship with a single man.

My friend recently confessed to me that she has been having an affair with a colleague at her office for the past year. She is single with two small children and an ex who cheated on her. He's married and his kids are slightly older (as is he).

Anyway, this woman, who would never have allowed cheating in any other dating relationship she has been in, is involved with a man who, by his very status, is not just cheating on her but on his wife. Let me put it right out there: this guy and his wife appear on the social surface to have a great marriage. I've been out socially and have seen them (small town, same social circles but not really friends). They joke - even about sex, touch each other frequently, and he acts for all intents and purposes as a happily married man. (My friend knows this - I told her.)

But, she says he's truly unhappy. That he isn't having sex with his wife and hasn't for years. That she has shut him out and they were never really happy. She swears he wants to leave. That he's just staying for the kids and because he lost so much money on the stock market so his investments are shot. There have been a million excuses and a million "close calls."

In the meantime, she's risking so much: she would be socially skewered; her job would be affected; her relationships with her family and friends have already been damaged by the constant lying. Plus, I see her everyday. On the nights when he can't see her - which average about 3-4 nights per week - she's anxious and lost. When he does see her, she's over the moon even though they go nowhere, do nothing and have no real social interaction with others.

I want to be a friend. I want to help her. I have kept her secret but I am so utterly frustrated. I see her single-handedly destroying her life for a guy I know (not well, but well enough to know that he's never going to leave his family). My BF now suspects something and if he ever knew, he would confront the MM and probably tell the wife. Plus, he will be very angry at me for keeping the secret.

So, I'm genuinely asking and please don't berate me. Why? Why do this to yourself for a guy who refuses to choose only you? (My friend calls me a card-carrying feminist because I'm so stuck on this issue of the man having all of the control and hurting two women, but...) I am just so scared for her.
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Old 17th October 2009, 10:46 AM   #2
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The answer is simple: Because you are in love.

And he loves you back.
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Old 18th October 2009, 6:37 PM   #3
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Unfortunately, don't think he loves her. Think he cares but mostly loves himself. She loves him, though, but I guess that's the part I don't understand. When my BF couldn't give me what I needed, I loved him but I walked away. A relationship is about so much more than just love. What other hold could he have on her?
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Old 18th October 2009, 6:58 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by georgia girl View Post

So, I'm genuinely asking and please don't berate me. Why? Why do this to yourself for a guy who refuses to choose only you? (My friend calls me a card-carrying feminist because I'm so stuck on this issue of the man having all of the control and hurting two women, but...) I am just so scared for her.
Well, Most likely she is caught up in the fog of the affair. The part that throws all logical reasoning out the door and leaves one feeling as though this person is their soulmate, there perfect match and blah, blah, blah. Been there so I know full well how it feels. I can understand why your worried, as there is much at stake for her and for this MM. Lot's of pain can come from this and familys can be destroyed. I guess the best thing you can do is ask her simply what she expects will come from this? And also advise her that she can get very hurt if this Married man strings her along and plays her. Hope I helped.

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Old 18th October 2009, 8:33 PM   #5
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I understand you care for your friend and you want to support her. It is clear she isn't concerned enough about her involvement with this man to leave the situation alone. I agree with you, he only cares for himself, that's what the cheater does in general, care about only themselves. I also had a friend who was involved with a MM, I told her my feelings, asked her to see what she was doing to herself, her family and his family, but she used the words "love" and "soul mates" over and over again. I love her. I love her enough to keep praying she sees the light. I love her enough to be there when she hits rock bottom, but I walked away from her chosen lifestyle. I love her enough to not watch her fall apart over a situation that is only going to get worse.
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Old 18th October 2009, 8:54 PM   #6
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I hear you, BNB, and that's where I am. I love her, but I don't agree with her decision and I can't watch her destroy herself anymore. She's so up and down - one moment she's on cloud nine and the next, she's crushed because he went back home. What did she expect?

This guy is so manipulative. I can see some of the attraction. My BF - who is incredibly loyal and faithful - would never make the comments this guy makes about how important loyalty is. Really? Then, why are you screwing around with my friend on your wife?

I need distance. I feel badly because I think I am her only outlet, but it's become constant. My BF would have an absolute fit if he knew what was going on and it's just too much drama for me.
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Old 18th October 2009, 11:54 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by georgia girl View Post
I hear you, BNB, and that's where I am. I love her, but I don't agree with her decision and I can't watch her destroy herself anymore. She's so up and down - one moment she's on cloud nine and the next, she's crushed because he went back home. What did she expect?

This guy is so manipulative. I can see some of the attraction. My BF - who is incredibly loyal and faithful - would never make the comments this guy makes about how important loyalty is. Really? Then, why are you screwing around with my friend on your wife?

I need distance. I feel badly because I think I am her only outlet, but it's become constant. My BF would have an absolute fit if he knew what was going on and it's just too much drama for me.

Sometimes as friends we may not agree with what your friend chooses to do but sometimes you just have to listen and if there is a lesson to be learned only she will learn it. I am not quite sure what your boyfriend has to do with all of this. IMO no matter how much I love my boyfriend he can listen when I complain about my friends but he cannot say anything about what happens as for you saying if your boyfriend knew he would confront the MM umm that would be out of place for him. Listen, talk to your friend and if you feel that you must distance yourself.
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