NC for coworkers?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

any tips on how to do it? how do you break it off when you have to see them infrequently at work (like every few weeks) and changing jobs isnt an option right now.

[fooled once]

You just do.

 

You keep things professional. STRICTLY professional.

 

No "hi" emails. No "meet me xxx".

 

Just answer questions, keep your head as focused on work as possible.

[LadyDi]

Million dollar question! This day and time you can't just quit. Probably why workplace romances are such bad ideas.....

[scatterd]

You tell them this is not right that you as a person need to do whats best for you.Continue do do your job and nc move on have fun.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

not fun at all. theres still communication filling each other in on what is going on in the others M. as in he wants me to know the story he's telling in case I have to lie for him.

 

but theres also the glances, the smiles and the things that made me love him in the first place. hes mesing with my emotions.

[anne1707]

Why do you have to lie for him? Your personal lives are nothing to do with each other anymore - that is all part of NC. Discussing marriages etc is keeping the A going on the backburner. It is also continues to show disrespect to your H and his W.

 

As for smiles, glances etc. Just ignore them. Look away as if you have not noticed and ignore all those little comments he might make that are meant for you whilst said in front of others. Keep contact to a minimum and on the topic of work only. Make more use of email rather than phone calls - easier to maintain boundaries that way and to not be caught off guard.

 

NC at work is possible - I work with the ex-OM on a daily basis, not just every few weeks and I manage it. He is playing a game but you are letting him do it. Stop this and he will get bored - in my situation, the ex-OM did all this kind of c*** for months afterwards even though he had started seeing someone else. He only stopped when he realised that he was no longer getting a reaction from me.

[jj33]

Why do you still have to lie for him? Why do you need to know ANYTHING about whats going on in his life? This is a total game. Hes thinking that if he keeps it up eventually you will go back to him on his terms whatever they may be (likely little stolen moments as and when he has the time to fit you into his busy schedule).

 

I am in the same position. I see him every once in awhile but get emails and sometimes phone calls from him almost every day.

 

You stop responding to the things that arent business except with a polite sentence the way you would to anyone else.

 

If he is in the building you dont have to go over and talk to him in fact you shouldnt. I never go up to him at things. And if he comes over to me I say hi how are you and then within 30 seconds to one minute I say well Im sure there are a lot of people here you need to speak with, excuse me or nice to see you excuse me.

 

I have left him standing alone with a drink on his hand on many occasions.

 

Why? theres nothing to say.

 

In business I talk business and then I leave. Same on the phone thanks bye bye.

 

Emails are all business and I copy in whoever I need to copy in. He is adept at stringing out what could be one question into 3 or more emails. Why I dont know. I think he just likes the attention.

 

What you need to remember is that the emails are a very small part of the picture.

 

Think of yourself as a diabetic. You look at the cotton candy - it looks so tempting and so delicious but you know its bad for you and you will be sorry if you have it. Hes the cotton candy. His attention his smiles etc - its all fluff.

[Fallen Angel]

not fun at all. theres still communication filling each other in on what is going on in the others M. as in he wants me to know the story he's telling in case I have to lie for him.

 

but theres also the glances, the smiles and the things that made me love him in the first place. hes mesing with my emotions.

 

I told My MM that if/when another D-Day happens and she decides to contact me, I WILL NOT LIE!

 

I refuse to change my voicemail message to the automated computer response. I refuse to lie for him. I refuse to pretend to be his "buddy's wife" if she calls.

 

I have told him that while I will probably not be willing to play 20 questions with her about our A, I will tell her that YES, I am in a relationship with him and that, YES it has been going on for over 2 years now between the EA and the PA. And then I will tell her that she needs to speak to him about the details.

 

If after that she were to contact me again, I would probably be willing to answer more questions if I found out he had lied about the details and was attempting to make it into a "the OW was chasing me, I am innocent victim" kind of thing. I have been very upfront with him about all of this. I am not at my core a liar, I find it difficult to even flub a little on job applications or to excuse myself from being late somewhere. *shrug*

 

If he sends you what he wants you to tell her to cover his a$$, I would reply simply with "I will not lie for you" and leave it at that. If he is so concerned he will just have to work harder to insure that his W does not contact you. But make that HIS responsibility, it was his responsibility from the day he decided to engage in an affair, quit carrying his load! You carry enough of your own!

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Why do you i think i have to lie for him?

 

hes one of my best friends in this world. we went into this knowing the other was married. never talked about leaving our spouses for each other. we knew what we were getting into. so as i see it we're in this together i shouldnt turn my back now.

 

as i see it its not my business to comment on what he tells her or what story he goes with. this is on him and he has to live with it. so if he wants to go to MC with her and continue the lies than so be it. in my mind it wont ever work unless hes completely honest with her but that the cross he has to bear.

 

i guess i wouldnt elaborate on his story but i wouldnt confirm what he says to be true either. i think if she asks me i'll acknowlege the true parts of the story and just choose not to comment on the parts hes lying about.

 

but so he does call me to let me know what hes told her. i havent told him im not covering, because in a way it helps me to know what to expect if and when she contacts me because i know it IS coming.

 

as far as work is concerned i wont see him for a while. but theres constant reminders every day when im there. its hard.

[anne1707]

Why do you i think i have to lie for him?

 

he wants me to know the story he's telling in case I have to lie for him.

 

Maybe because you said you may have to.....

 

 

 

hes one of my best friends in this world.......... so as i see it we're in this together i shouldnt turn my back now.

 

Not true. He is no longer your friend. Not if you want to end the affair. And especially not if you want to work on your marriage.

 

 

 

as i see it its not my business to comment on what he tells her or what story he goes with. this is on him and he has to live with it. so if he wants to go to MC with her and continue the lies than so be it. in my mind it wont ever work unless hes completely honest with her but that the cross he has to bear.

 

 

Now this bit is true. What goes on between him and his wife has absolutely nothing to do with you now.

 

 

but so he does call me to let me know what hes told her. i havent told him im not covering, because in a way it helps me to know what to expect if and when she contacts me because i know it IS coming.

 

You mean it helps you to maintain contact and therefore increase the chance of the affair continuing. As is shown by your next comment:

 

 

as far as work is concerned i wont see him for a while. but theres constant reminders every day when im there. its hard.

 

 

And by the way what you are doing is not hard because you are still not doing NC. Real NC is hard yet it is the only way to get over the affair. He has chosen his wife. You need to forget him and decide whether you want your marriage or not. By the way, where does your H figure in all these posts?

[fooled once]

Everyone had great posts; so not sure what I can add.

 

You are CHOOSING to stay connected to him. So that isn't NC.

 

You are CHOOSING to want to be filled in on his marriage (which is NOT your business) on the off chance his wife contacts you. You are CHOOSING to think she will. She probably won't; but you want to think she will and because you are planning to lie for him; you are CHOOSING to continue to be a part of all this.

 

Either you stay his mistress or you don't.

 

This goes to show that you really don't want your marriage back.

 

you are CHOOSING to continue to play this game.

 

If you CHOOSE to continue this, enjoy being the OW.

 

He has never offered you more than just being the mistress....

 

Why don't you want more for yourself?

[NowhereToHide]

Everyone had great posts; so not sure what I can add.

 

You are CHOOSING to stay connected to him. So that isn't NC.

 

You are CHOOSING to want to be filled in on his marriage (which is NOT your business) on the off chance his wife contacts you. You are CHOOSING to think she will. She probably won't; but you want to think she will and because you are planning to lie for him; you are CHOOSING to continue to be a part of all this.

 

Either you stay his mistress or you don't.

 

This goes to show that you really don't want your marriage back.

 

you are CHOOSING to continue to play this game.

 

If you CHOOSE to continue this, enjoy being the OW.

 

He has never offered you more than just being the mistress....

 

Why don't you want more for yourself?

 

 

Is this true? Have you given up on your marriage?

[fooled once]

NTH - I am guessing it is.

 

Her husband left her because of the affair.

 

She seems to be obsessing about the marriage of the MM she is seeing.

 

I don't see how that is good for her marriage -- if it can be repaired. I doubt her H will want her lying for this married man or even talking to him.

 

I would almost bet if her H knew she was still in contact with this guy -- any hope of reconciliation would be out the window.

 

So - for me - reading all the various threads about this situation -- in my view - she has chosen to chase the MM and not work on her marriage.

[NowhereToHide]

NTH - I am guessing it is.

 

Her husband left her because of the affair.

 

She seems to be obsessing about the marriage of the MM she is seeing.

 

I don't see how that is good for her marriage -- if it can be repaired. I doubt her H will want her lying for this married man or even talking to him.

 

I would almost bet if her H knew she was still in contact with this guy -- any hope of reconciliation would be out the window.

 

So - for me - reading all the various threads about this situation -- in my view - she has chosen to chase the MM and not work on her marriage.

 

I just think she is freshly out of the A and is still grieving her MM. I've been there. It sucks.

 

I think she recognizes that her H is a wonderful man and she has said that she wants a life with him. But I just think she's still too addicted to the MM to really SEE her H as an option.

 

Okay, Browneyed... what's the verdict? Who do you want?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

I want my husband. I need my husband. I love my husband.

 

but i cant give what he needs having these feelings. i understand my marriage...im the one who caused the problems. but suddenly after years i dont understand my affair. everything i thought i knew turns out to be something else, or maybe it was a lie the whole time, or maybe none of the above. so suddenly im faced with confusion, doubt, guilt.

 

and top it off the abrupt ending to a relationship that i was involved in for a very long time. a daily relationship thats suddenly gone. so in my head i think i need to make sense of all of this and move on to begin to be able to completely focus on my husband and marriage and give it my all.

 

i do love the MM. this affair didnt happen over night and so i cant just turn the feelings off. never in the years we were together was it a me vs her issue. so im struggling with it as its different than what i thought. i knew what i was risking the entire time involved. but what i didnt know was that i was risking it all for someone who could easily tell me that im not worth it. that changes things a bit. makes me look back on the relationship differently. makes me have questions and hurt and so im dealing with issues that ive not had to face before.

 

like i said. i know what i want and what i need to do, but i need to be able to address the pain, the loss and the confusion first. it would be easier if he said he didnt want me in his life, but thats not the case. so essentially im the one doing the leaving here (by nc). we couldnt make that huge step in all the time we were together (we tried) so why would i expect it to be easy now?