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Do MM feel rejected by MOW????


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I have read recent threads in which the OW experiences tremendous feelings of rejection, myself included, when MM choose to stay home with their families. I was a MOW who had far more of an EA than PA with a MM(who I had known for over 12 years) for a year. We both, along with our spouses, chose to stay and work on our marriages.

 

Because I was also M, I understand some of the emotions MM may experience. For instance, I had lost attractiveness toward H and we were emotionally disconnected. Became bored and wanted excited, but never really had the intention of leaving(or getting caught). However, developed very strong feelings toward xMM and deep down desired to have a life with him and I believe he felt the same. With IC, a trusted relative, and a trusted friend, I received three bricks upside my head to do what was morally and spiritually correct. Also what was ultimately best for my children and developing faith that my once good M could begood again or even better.

 

There were occasional comments by xMM about how I would never leave my H because the differences in salary,status, and lifestyle. After d-day, the A continued for a few months. He was on the fence and wanted to continue, but I ultimately ended the A.

Do MM ever feel rejected by MOW??(MOW also have a choice to make)

Do MM ever feel maybe they were not good enough??

Do MM ever feel used(emotionally or for paying for hotels/meals, etc.)??

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I have read recent threads in which the OW experiences tremendous feelings of rejection, myself included, when MM choose to stay home with their families. I was a MOW who had far more of an EA than PA with a MM(who I had known for over 12 years) for a year. We both, along with our spouses, chose to stay and work on our marriages.

 

Because I was also M, I understand some of the emotions MM may experience. For instance, I had lost attractiveness toward H and we were emotionally disconnected. Became bored and wanted excited, but never really had the intention of leaving(or getting caught). However, developed very strong feelings toward xMM and deep down desired to have a life with him and I believe he felt the same. With IC, a trusted relative, and a trusted friend, I received three bricks upside my head to do what was morally and spiritually correct. Also what was ultimately best for my children and developing faith that my once good M could begood again or even better.

 

There were occasional comments by xMM about how I would never leave my H because the differences in salary,status, and lifestyle. After d-day, the A continued for a few months. He was on the fence and wanted to continue, but I ultimately ended the A.

Do MM ever feel rejected by MOW??(MOW also have a choice to make)

Do MM ever feel maybe they were not good enough??

Do MM ever feel used(emotionally or for paying for hotels/meals, etc.)??

 

I too was a MOW. I never realized until just recently that my MOM probably did feel rejected. I told him from the very beginning that I would never leave my family for him. I think he started to shut down after that because of the rejection and because he knew I wouldn't budge. Even though he knew I loved him, the fact that I wouldn't leave everything for him must have been difficult.

 

I spent a lot of time feeling rejected by him, even though it was my choice. I think I was expecting him to always be in my life, but what I could offer him wasn't enough.

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I too was a MOW. I never realized until just recently that my MOM probably did feel rejected. I told him from the very beginning that I would never leave my family for him. I think he started to shut down after that because of the rejection and because he knew I wouldn't budge. Even though he knew I loved him, the fact that I wouldn't leave everything for him must have been difficult.

 

I spent a lot of time feeling rejected by him, even though it was my choice. I think I was expecting him to always be in my life, but what I could offer him wasn't enough.

 

We were friends and thought this topic would never have to be discussed. After a few months, we realized leaving our families became a thought. Neither of us were happy in our marriages but we did not want the A to be the primary reason for ending them(stupid, I know). I honestly believe we both wanted to leave but did not budge due to fear. There was the possibility the other would not follow. Of course the decision should not be based on the AP but I do think if one of us had left, the other would have too.

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We were friends and thought this topic would never have to be discussed. After a few months, we realized leaving our families became a thought. Neither of us were happy in our marriages but we did not want the A to be the primary reason for ending them(stupid, I know). I honestly believe we both wanted to leave but did not budge due to fear. There was the possibility the other would not follow. Of course the decision should not be based on the AP but I do think if one of us had left, the other would have too.

 

 

So it sounds like you were "talked out of" leaving your family for your AP. Help me understand what you're feeling.... are you regretting NOT leaving? Are you missing your AP - is that why you're asking if he's feeling rejection?

 

While I told my AP from the very beginning that I wouldn't leave my family for him, there were times where I thought about it. Let me make a suggestion to you.... make a list and really try and FEEL what your life would have been like if you had left your family for your AP. Answer some hard questions:

 

1) How many kids would you now have in your blended family?

2) Would you lose your friends, family, people important to you?

3) Would your lifestyle change dramatically?

4) Is there a long distance issue?

5) Just how damaged would your kids be?

 

Try and imagine having a day-to-day life with your AP. Doing his laundry, caring for his kids, having fights, worrying about money, his kids resenting you, having to deal with his ex wife, not seeing your kids all the time due to custody issues (in fact, imagine them crying hysterically when they have to leave you).

 

This all helps put your decision to stay in perspective (that is, if you feel you truly have a marriage worth saving). When I made this list, I realized that my life would have been SO much worse than the one I have now -- for many, many reasons. And as much as I tried to pretend that our "love and passion" could get us through, the fact is, it won't. I may have at one time been "in love" with my AP, at the end of the day, our life together would have been filled with the same (in fact MORE) hardships than I deal with already.

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So it sounds like you were "talked out of" leaving your family for your AP. Help me understand what you're feeling.... are you regretting NOT leaving? Are you missing your AP - is that why you're asking if he's feeling rejection?

 

I was strongly leaning toward leaving initially but do not feel I was "talked out of" the process. Like you, I thought about all of those questions you listed. Which made my decision far more clearer, thankfully my H was in agreement.

 

Oh yes, I still miss my xMOM and think about him often. I grieve the loss of my friendship with him and his wife more than anything. I just wonder if some MM feel the same with MOW because all I keep reading is how many OW feel "rejected", "he chose her", and "he did not pick me." Many posts convey how the MM are in control of the A and ultimately determines what happens after d-day. My A is over and I do not regret staying to work on my M. But, I have not read much from MM who had A with MOW to understand more of the feelings they experience.

 

Try and imagine having a day-to-day life with your AP. Doing his laundry, caring for his kids, having fights, worrying about money, his kids resenting you, having to deal with his ex wife, not seeing your kids all the time due to custody issues (in fact, imagine them crying hysterically when they have to leave you).

 

These were my primary fears, his W and I were friends. I also imagined how my H and I established goals early in our M in regards to our dream home, children, college for our children, retirement, and so much more. How could I risk and/or throw all of our dreams away for selfishness. I am less stressed and far more happier now.

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