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Thank you LSers and on how to graduate from LS


summerautumn

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Hello dear LS members,

 

 

I feel it is time for me to write a post and tell you how grateful I am for all your advice, it has helped me tremendously, even though I have not posted here until now. I have been reading this forum for many months, despite being a non-fan of forums in general, but I just felt that there was great insight in some posts, insight that I couldn’t have gotten elsewhere. I want to thank GEL, Devil Inside, MistyK, Bentnotbroken, Owl in particular, for all those posts that really resonated with me in a time when I needed to get another perspective, to understand other people’s thought processes, to get out of my head, and to get some empathy. I almost posted to India girl. I thought that it was so great that so many people expressed such encouragement and empathy to a girl that was obviously so sincere and so hurting! This encouragement surprised me - when I first came to the site, I thought people were quite scathing in their comments even towards people that were obviously in anguish. I guess the reason why I’ve stayed is that there are people here who genuinely want to help others who are in crazy situations. So thank you, you’ve helped me a lot and you don’t even know me.

 

Now my story. Of course I have a story. It is over, and I like that it is over. I’ve done tremendous work to let go of emotions, heal past hurts that brought about this situation, own everything 100%, let go of self-doubt and commitment fears, and become free. I realize now that the reason why I chose this to be part of my life story is that I had issues that I never really dealt with, and it took something that dramatic to move me to really commit to healing. That is the is the silver lining that now is becoming more like gold lining, it has been a blessing in disguise. A few years ago if I read words like these Anywhere, I would have barfed. Yet people change. I resisted change for a long time, now I am embracing it.

 

Oh yeah, the story.:) Met him in a most romantic fashion, didn’t know he was married so I called him a few days later, only to meet and find out he is married yet he did make me a proposition– I bailed out of there pretty fast. But he stuck in my mind. Our communication has been super sporadic, a few texts/emails every couple of months. He was pretty direct and honest about how this whole thing freaked him out to no end, how he was afraid of me, and afraid that his whole life would crumble because of this. I gave him credit for that self honesty. At other times he simply twisted my words to beyond recognition so I knew he had some serious blind spots. I had pretty black and white views on affairs at that time, and was almost offended that he would want me to be in this position. I proceeded to look for a bf, but my own fears prevented me, even though there are many men that find me fascinating. Here I have to say that it was my ego that stroked by his advances, and I also knew he wasn’t BSing in his words about me, because I have heard them from others before. After a few months, he finally grabbed my imagination. Then I started thinking of him as well. He kept showing up in my mind in Most opportune times out of the blue. I will not share the uncanny synchronicities, but will say that there were Many. So I felt that there was something I was supposed to learn from all this.

 

After he got in my imagination, I did write him an honest letter. We talked on the phone once, and at that point he told me point blank that he would never leave his wife. Gave him points for honesty again, but my ego didn’t like this whole arrangement. I fought the pull I had towards him, but felt that fighting it actually increased it. What we resist persists. So I wrote him a letter about how I felt. He responded in a week saying he doesn’t know what to say. Again, the honesty is a bonus. He never talked about his wife, only said things haven’t been going well with them, didn’t badmouth her, didn’t promise me anything, admitted he was looking for the thrill of the whole experience. But the caveat is that I am a really unorthodox person, and this forbidden experience was a big lure for him. Then I finally decided that we meet, to get this whole EA out of this emotional fantasy rut. At this point I had pretty strong feelings for him, and I follow my emotions. Since then I have let go of my romanticism in a great way. I highly recommend doing that to those that feel they are super romantic! If your favorite movies are all romantic, you may be harboring some serious deep fantasies. The meeting was dramatic, we kissed, he freaked out, and I wasn’t about to seduce him, so he left. That was that. It took the fantasy into the reality of daylight. I wrote him goodbye once again, for I have never desired to be a mistress. But I do love the person. The experience propelled me to seek some serious healing and go through with it. Great changes happened. It has been awesome. I wrote him one last letter telling him about the changes to which he responded with a NC request. Short and simple, I promised him to respect that, and I will. That was 2 months ago.

 

So, I find myself coming to this site a couple times a week. To me that’s a sign that there is something I still am holding on to. I would like to graduate from LS.:) So my question to all of you is: how does one graduate from LS? Some of you have posted so much, I really respect that for you have been providing free therapy for people who really need it. You have helped me a lot! But I will not be writing here, it is just not my style. Your insights are highly appreciated.:)

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Although I'm a BW, I too feel it's time to graduate from LS. It's been 11 months since my d-day and my H and I are managing fairly successfully to rebuild and re-establish our relationship.

 

I have wondered whether to try to stay on just to give advice to people. I have learned a lot from my own experiences and those of others on all sides of the equation (or should I say triangle or sometimes intersecting triangles). This is something I'm thinking about.

 

But meanwhile I'd like to "graduate" from my participation in LS as an "asker of questions".

 

S

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You mean someone learned something from the "harshness":eek: I don't know what you got, but God is good and I am glad he used me. :) I am going for my doctorate. :rolleyes:I've met some really nice people here who I communicate with outside of this screen...I think I don't want to graduate. :p

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You mean someone learned something from the "harshness":eek: I don't know what you got, but God is good and I am glad he used me. :) I am going for my doctorate. :rolleyes:I've met some really nice people here who I communicate with outside of this screen...I think I don't want to graduate. :p

 

I see you rarely ask advice on your own situation Bent - and that is what I meant by graduating from an advice-seeker to an advice-giver. I feel it's a bit like a stage in a healing process when one can start to look beyond one's own situation to just focusing on the OP's issues.

 

You and a number of others on LS are really good at this - I'm not - but I'd like to be.

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summer, this is probably the most positive post I've seen on this forum, and I'm proud of you for realizing that you romanticized the situation, but then acted on reality. It takes a strong person to be able to do that, IMO.

 

I don't see your visiting the 'Shack every so often as a *bad* thing, because you have a lot to contribute when you feel compelled to – every voice counts, and in your case, I think you can show people that there IS another way of dealing with these feelings so that you don't end up in a situation they don't feel 100 percent about.

 

just my 2 cents!

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I see you rarely ask advice on your own situation Bent - and that is what I meant by graduating from an advice-seeker to an advice-giver. I feel it's a bit like a stage in a healing process when one can start to look beyond one's own situation to just focusing on the OP's issues.

 

You and a number of others on LS are really good at this - I'm not - but I'd like to be.

 

 

My situation is mostly resolved. Other than my kids( I will always be looking for a little help...they drive me to drink sometimes:love:). There were things that helped me make the decisions I did. Your peace complete peace will come as well. OP, thank you for the kind words...some days they are nice to hear.

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I'm glad that you got what you needed from LS. :)

 

I have thought about leaving LS myself, but in the end, I really want to help and I just can't stay away. I seem to have a (somewhat) unique perspective and it's one that I feel needs to be heard at times. Plus, LS is addicting.

 

It is always my intention to help others and to really focus on what they want out of life and their R.

 

If you really want to graduate, I don't know what advice to give. Except that when you sit down at your keyboard, tell yourself that you've learned what you needed to learn and lived what you needed to live and then replace LS with something else.

 

Congrats!

 

GEL

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Plus, LS is addicting

 

Really? :p

 

Congrats on the NC and for you setting yourself free. I hope you find happiness with a (single) guy when you're ready and the timing is right.

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Thank you, dear people!:) It seriously feels wonderful to have finally connected with you and to actually have a conversation!

 

Quankanne, thank you for your words, they mean a lot, and for encouraging me to participate! I used to really dwell in my sadness and melancholy, and even used it a lot in my art, but the shifts I have experienced in the last few months have been amazing! If I could have done it, it is definitely possible, because I didn't start out as a happy-go-lucky person at all!

 

Bentnotbroken, you are absolutely right, in the essence we are were all moved on a much deeper level to share here.

 

GEL, thanks! Your perspective has really been unique, and it was actually your description of your relationship that prompted me to finally understand that what I experienced, while emotional, wasn't what I had made it in my mind to be.

 

I am tempted to put that little jumping bunny in my post, but I know that that's a bit too much happiness, lol.

 

Sending all of you good energy!

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. Your peace complete peace will come as well. OP, thank you for the kind words...some days they are nice to hear.

 

Thank you! I trust that that will happen! I wish that for you too!

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Last night I was a bit too enthusiastic, and didnt properly respond to some of your posts. I completely see what you mean about graduating from being an "advice seeker" to an "advice giver". I do feel that it is helpful in some sense to give advice, especially when it is solicited like it is on the forum. But one needs to guard against having ulterior motives for the advice giving. To me if the advice comes from a hurt place in us and we project our hurts onto others, the advice will probably not be helpful or it can bring the other person down. But sharing of genuine experience and things learned from that experience Is helpful! Our mind can then process it and derive an "aha" moment or two. I've noticed for me that only happens when I am really ready to shift my percpective. Before that, the words just come from one ear and leave from the other.

 

The reason why I have asked you for insights on "graduating" from the forum is that I notice in myself that when I am feeling a bit down, I come here and end up reading spiteful remarks and that tends to bring me down even more. But there is a subtle choice in that I became aware of - if I wanted to be kinder to myself I'd go and do something that really brings me joy, or I would go and be quiet for a little bit. I guess the forum has become somewhat addicting because it fills a certain need. But like all addictions, the high from the emotion is inevitably followed by a low. I'd like to live somewhere in the (more unexciting) middle.

 

Of course, for crisis situations when one is reeling, it is better to get the emotion out rather than suppress it. But living in crisis mode cannot go on too long.

 

Summer's ending today. But fall is pretty too.:)

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I finally figured out why I've been coming to this forum so much! Yay! There are some genuinely great insights from people who have unique life experiences, great writing skills, and the patience to interact with each other even when their viewpoints are 180 degrees from each other! In face to face interactions these conversations would not be happening.

 

I know it is probably poor taste to keep writing on one's own thread without others' participation, but I just wanted to let those who like me have just signed up here after months of reading, that there are alternatives to talk therapy for healing. I'll call it energy healing. I am just going to put it out here. Because it really works. :) I first saw the results in friends who were struggling with panic and anxiety. Then tried it myself. Wild changes have occured! So google it or something.

 

To me talk therapy is just slow. Who has years to deal with the emotional pain. Just don't resign to living with the pain. That's suffering. Pain is part of life, suffering is optional.

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putting your words down (as in this forum) can be pretty cathartic, too. At least this is what I've found over the years. And yes, the 'Shack is VERY addictive, but it's also a wonderful support system when you really need someone to just hold your hand or say something kind or affirm your grief/sadness/pain. For me, it was a thread to sanity when my mom was dying and I was trying to be all things to all people, including my husband, whose mom also was dying at that same period.

 

you term it "energy healing," and that's a good way of putting it: The people here can help you heal when you need it most. At worst, they make you really, really think about something you've said or some belief you've held ... and that's not necessarily a bad thing! :cool: Either which way, your psyche gets something invaluable ...

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Quankanne, you are awesome! I am totally seeing the value of this community. When I said that I wanted to find out ways to graduate from LS, I was referring to the addictiveness of the forum! But even in 1 day I've gained tremendous insights just by actively participating and putting my words into a post. So powerful, I guess I was missing that when I was only lurking!

 

Thank you for your support and kindness! Happy Equinox!

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