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Do I send a 'closure' e-mail?


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Been putting my feelings down in an e-mail for the MM that dropped me last week. Quite civil and not expecting a reply from him but I want him to truly know how I have felt. Maybe he doesn't deserve it. I haven't sent it but I just want peoples thoughts. Sometimes I find it helps with closure but then again should I just leave it? Anyway here it is:

 

Well it's been a week now. I've had time to think, I've had time to hurt. I wanted to send you this as I think you have a right to know how I have felt. Yes we knew each other for only 3 weeks. Yes it was very intense but I really felt like I had never met anyone like you before. You were kind, considerate, generous, loving, tactile, affectionate, intelligent, caring, interesting, funny.....Maybe I gave myself away too quickly, possibly a fault on my part. But I seemed to get the vibe back from you, all the nice things you said to me, how I made you feel, how I didn't judge, how I made you laugh.

I will, however, never know the truth, I only had what you told me. You have gone back to your marriage, you want to make things work. I understand you miss the family dynamic, you have to much to lose otherwise. You may not have gone back, you may be dating someone else. Like I said I will never know and I don't care to. All I want to say is that you caused me grief and upset that I didn't need in my life. I didn't deserve it. You slept with me the afternoon of the day you decided to return to your marriage. And yes it was the Sunday that you made that decision. I may have freaked you out with my anxiety and I can understand that but I in hindsight my body was telling me something didn't sit right. Something that you tried to convince me otherwise.

But every cloud has a silver lining, I know I have made a lucky escape. So yes you are right I do deserve better. I am a decent, loving and caring person who didn't deserve to have her feelings manipulated. You told me you had never lied to me but that is my point, you weren't honest to yourself about your true feelings for your wife all along. And I suppose I still stand by what I said, I was an escape from what you missed. Nothing more.

So I wish you every happiness in whatever you chose, just be careful of how you treat people who actually care about you as they might not always be so understanding.

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no don't send it! They should be called an Un-Closure email... even if you tell yourself that you won't wait for a reply... you will be waiting for that reply and it will make this all worse... dont send it

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You have closure. He ended the affair. I'm not sure I understand what else you need. It sounds like you want something else from him.

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I don't really know what I am after, I just wish we had never met :-(

 

Then it's a good thing he is now out of your life. IMO, you should keep it that way. NC all the way.

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Its very difficult when you break up with someone. If you had angry feelings to get out that would be one thing - I rightly or wrongly beleive you have a right to vent those.

 

But it was only 3 weeks. Alls fair in 3 weeks. He had the sense to end it. You dodged a big big buller.

 

Your email was as everyone has already said not about closure. It is lovelorn, musing, wishing things were different.

 

Those are thoughts you need to post here (which you have good thinking!) or discuss with your friends, gee i hope this is a sign that his single faithful clone will walk into my life today!

 

The problem in ANY relationship is that when it ends and its not your choice to end it, you miss that person who you hoped to make a future with.

 

But if he was a single guy you wouldnt send an email saying I cant believe you didnt think we would work together, I was so bowled over by you.

 

DONT DONT DONT DONT.

 

Every time you want to contact him post. There is a really good board in the coping section where you can post all the thoughts you want to express the kind sweet romantic ones and noone tells you that you shouldnt feel that way.

 

or post here and you can be sure everyone will respond in a way that will keep you grounded.

 

Hang in there. Its disappointing but you will get past this.

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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

But if he was a single guy you wouldnt send an email saying I cant believe you didnt think we would work together, I was so bowled over by you.

 

Hang in there. Its disappointing but you will get past this.

 

Actually, I did send one like that to a single guy after dating for 3 weeks. It took me about 6 weeks to get over him :p

 

I agree, don't send the email. Please listen to the advice of some people in here. Too often I didn't, and then realized I should have.

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I would not send it...He caused you grief cause you allowed it and he slept w you cause you allowed it...there's a lot of risks when one gets involved w a MM just be thankful it ended soon rather than string you along for months or even years for nothing

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The problem I see is that ladyRN has closure, it's just not the closure she wants. IMO, he gave her all the reasons why and she needs some time to accept reality. It will take time, but the closure is already there. Any contact at this point could be detrimental to all involved. Even if for whatever reason he contacts her, she should do her best to ignore him.

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Thanks everyone. I suppose, like someone already mentioned, already knew the answer to this one. It is just a draft and in some way has helped me just to write down how I feel.

It may have only been 3 weeks but I couldn't help how I felt for this man, I truly felt I hadn't met anyone like him before. Yes I was besotted but this didn't feel like it was just a one way street, I thought he felt the same. He mentioned fate, destiny.......BS. I wish I had never got so involved I really do but unfortunately I cannot turn back time.

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I totally agree Herenow. I didnt mean to suggest she should send angry thoughts. In 3 weeks she has NO right to be angry. Disappointed yes angry no.

 

No contact is the only answer. And really you DONT want to chase a married man (sorry but that email was chasing) that is just plain self humiliation.

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ladyRN - he may have felt that way - but hes married. He is married and he values his family. He was weak in the face of his attraction for you but he caught himself before he got any more involved.

 

You have to let this one go. If you push this, it will be at your peril. I can promise you that you will regret it.

 

You really really need to NEVER contact this man again.

 

And you are missing the fact that no you cant turn back time in terms of having met him and developed feelings but (in case this wasnt what you meant) you can do the right thing and let it go.

 

It will take time to heal if he was that special to you, but not as long as you think. And look at the bright side, if he was out there, there will be someone single who is available to have a relationship with his good qualities.

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Like I said previously this man was separated, I met him on a dating site. He told me he no longer wanted to be in his marriage, that something had clicked and he wanted to move on with his life. He lived in a different house from his wife and had been for a while.Therefore I feel that I do have a right to feel like I do, even if it was only 3 weeks. He convinced me his marriage was over yet was lying to himself all along, leading me to believe we were in a relationship.

But I will not be contacting him. I have maintained NC thus so far and I intend to continue. It was useful to write how I felt but I will never send that e-mail, I owe that to myself to maintain dignity.

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lady RN how do you know that he was truthful about his marriage situation? that's the thing w MM or MW they lie and lie and lie to get their way...some will sweep you off your feet they get what they want thn bye bye...I know...I was the MW at one point( I am however the 1% that actually left the marriage and I'm now happily in a LTR with the man who once was the OM)

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I agree with everyone that says don't send it. This was an internet affair? Even more reason to avoid all future contact, if it was. People can and do say whatever they want on the internet. A study was done that basically said something like more than half of all seekers on dating sites are married.

 

Don't send it. Its not worth it.

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My 2 cents.... and certainly not to make it less than it was, but a 3 week affair is short ( honestly, you will be thankful for that down the road).

 

As far as sending the email.

 

I sent a couple ... lol.... however we were also together almost a year.

 

What I would say is this

 

First- Why are you sending.... don't have to be honest here, but be really brutally honest with yourself. I know the initial one or two * on first/second day of NC was about me "needing" to know he still cared.... if you're looking for that, please don't do it.

 

The last email I sent was a " Let go", a little anger for sure, but truly a reclaiming of my own control. That one I can 100% say I did not want a response to.... and I used it to regain in my mind a little control over a situation in which I had Zilch.

 

It wasn't sappy or filled with " I love you's" and was not meant to revoke a response, simply give myself the closure on my terms that I needed to even begin letting go.

 

Many said don't send it... and I did write it and keep it for 3 or 4 days, but I knew why I was, choose to do it and actually found strength in it.

 

Just make sure you are really being honest with yourself as to your motive because the last thing you want to do is set yourself up to be stung again, either by a response you aren't expecting or a non response which will feed your self esteem issue's in a negative, not a positive.

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GreenEyedLady

Do not send him anything.

 

You'll just feed his ego.

 

He broke up with you.

 

That's closure right there.

 

Write him as many email's as you want, but don't send him ANY.

 

GEL

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I totally agree Herenow. I didnt mean to suggest she should send angry thoughts. In 3 weeks she has NO right to be angry. Disappointed yes angry no.

No contact is the only answer. And really you DONT want to chase a married man (sorry but that email was chasing) that is just plain self humiliation.

 

Sorry jj33, but you cannot quantify emotions. Of course, she has the right to be angry(if she is) for being lied to...especially because those lies appear to have been designed to hook her in. I bet he will be back online searching for another "soulmate". His wife probably does not know he is "prowling" the net.

 

LadyRN, stop,take a deep breath (you know what that does) and cut your losses.

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I totally agree Herenow. I didnt mean to suggest she should send angry thoughts. In 3 weeks she has NO right to be angry. Disappointed yes angry no.

 

No contact is the only answer. And really you DONT want to chase a married man (sorry but that email was chasing) that is just plain self humiliation.

 

I totally agree.

 

IMHO - it as only 3 weeks. You didn't really know him. You can't know someone after only 3 weeks -- REALLY know someone.

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any man can be a dreamboat for three weeks... you only know what he told you and what you saw from him.

 

maybe it was all an act... you never know.

 

one man said to me not long ago in reference to a gal he was dating - she only knows what i want her to know... scary thought about men in general... but true.

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I wouldn't send it to him. I'd hang onto this email though, and take it out and read it now and again... as a reminder of what is important to you. You are a very lucky girl that this relationship only lasted 3 weeks. Could you imagine 3 years with the same outcome? Whenever I have experienced thing like this in my life.. hurt, etc..., I learn about me. You've learned that you are ready and perhaps do indeed desire... a committed relationship. Now, go and find someone that will make your life beautiful...

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Take something good away from this for yourself. Its possible that you have learned in three weeks what takes some people years. In your letter you mention that you hope he has learned something....what about you?

Your feelings were manipulated, why was he able to manipulate you ? There is a way to grow from this.

 

Sending the letter is just further contact, a continuation, not closure. Your closure has to come from within. It also reinforces for him that you can be manipulated and leaves the door open for a repeat performance the next time he is wants his ego stroked.

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Montclair0011
Like I said previously this man was separated, I met him on a dating site. He told me he no longer wanted to be in his marriage, that something had clicked and he wanted to move on with his life. He lived in a different house from his wife and had been for a while.Therefore I feel that I do have a right to feel like I do, even if it was only 3 weeks. He convinced me his marriage was over yet was lying to himself all along, leading me to believe we were in a relationship.

But I will not be contacting him. I have maintained NC thus so far and I intend to continue. It was useful to write how I felt but I will never send that e-mail, I owe that to myself to maintain dignity.

 

It's impossible to know what really went on in his head, but you did nothing wrong except you ended up getting hurt and you did not deserve that. As we discussed on your other thread, it's a crappy situation and it's understandable that you expected he was telling the truth. Because he is married there is an extra dose of humiliation thrown on top of all the other pain and lack of understanding from other people.

 

Hopefully you can maintain NC (and not send the email). I was doing OK with mine and then I fell off the wagon when he contacted me and I feel so bad again. I'm just decimated. Move on with your life and try to trust again. Hopefully the fact that it only lasted 3 weeks will help the recovery. I'm thinking about you and hoping you the best.

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whichwayisup

I agree with GEL. Let your silence show him that you're in NC mode and stick to it.

 

And, write to him as much as you want, but never send the emails..Look at it as theraputic only..

 

Block him so won't read anything he sends you.

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