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when a man tells you he is holding back his feelings for you


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888confused

I have a very good male friend.. we do concider eachother best friends. However, he has alot going on in his life. (stressful situations, when it rains it pours) Then, there is me.. who is in a commited relationship---and can't seem to get out of it. (meaning, leaving the person- b/c of not wanting to hurt them etc)

 

Well, my friend and i have not had sex, just some heavy petting. We both know its wrong.. He tells me over and over he cares about me, has feelings.. but then he also tells me in another breath that he is holding back his feelings???????????? so does he have feelings or not?

 

 

I know i am being selfish.. how can i expect someone to let go how they feel about me, when i haven't attempted to do something about my current situation.

 

I know the answers to what i SHOULD do......... but please tell me if you would. If you TELL someone your holding back feelings. What exactly does that mean.. You have those feelings, but just aren't going to let them controll you? Or you don't, and refuse to give in to them?

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Does he know you're already in a relationship?

 

If he does, then that's probably why he says he's holding back. He knows you're already involved and doesn't want to play the part of the OM.

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I think he's telling you that, since you're already committed, he's protecting himself..in other words, he's controlling his emotions...

 

or he might just want to get into your pants.. since he can't have you... and then go AWOL..

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whichwayisup
(meaning, leaving the person- b/c of not wanting to hurt them etc)

 

But you'd rather hurt your partner by cheating on him??? Please, BE honest with your guy and END IT. Better to break it off with him now than betray him by cheating on him.

 

Anyway, it means he has feelings for you but has no plans on pursuing it because you're in a relationship. (or are you married?)

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888confused

I know i should be honest, and cheating would hurt my guy more in the long run.

 

The problem is.. i have been battling my feelings in my current relationship for a long time. We get along perfect, i have a great life with him. BUT, i am not inlove, not sure i ever was. I think i would be stupid to let such a great person go... Sometimes you make a decision (if i decide to leave) and i could be losing the best person in the world. And i truely believe, from past experience while trying to breakup... that if i did, there would be no going back. He told me once before.. i brokeup with him, he does not back peddle, and would never take me back.

 

I know i am being selfish. Untrue to myself and the person i am with....... i battle this everyday.

 

So holding back feelings? i know this should be easy to understand. i guess i just don't want to except what it really means.

 

By holding back, he doesn't have them?

 

He said he has alot of feelings for me, then on the other hand he tells me he is holding back feelings b/c i am in a commited relationship AND he is going through alot in his own life right now.

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888confused

He doesn't ask me to leave it.............

 

I am so upset, b/c i don't want to lose him as a friend. I know in the end i will if I DON'T start controlling MY feelings.

 

I feel like... he wants to hold back his feelings, doesn't want to have sex with me b/c he knows its dead wrong--and i agree.

 

But, he is very attracted to me, as i am to him. I am very aware guys, and women CAN just be attracted and act upon it, without feelings..

 

I have feelings for him big time, but i am trying to figure out... is it just that he is horney for me--- that he acts the way he does towards me?

 

I know.. i should know the answers... and i prob. do and just don't want to admit it to myself

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888confused

I guess i get so confused... that he tells me he is holding back, but he loves to hang out with me, we have fun, we love to talk-- but the bad part is... very attracted to eachother.

 

 

I guess what i am trying to get at is... why can men.. hold back their feelings the way they do.. and when they saying they are holding them back, but on the other hand.. say they have feelings for you --what does that mean?

 

He has feelings, but he won't allow himself for them to turn into being inlove?

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I know.. i should know the answers... and i prob. do and just don't want to admit it to myself

Bingo. You just nailed it.

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Hi Confussed, Sometimes its better to keep him as your soul friend ! My best friend is a guy, already 20 years. In our 2 or 3 year of friendship, we too, were confusse, but just for a moment. Our feelings were so intense we were not sure what to do with them. We shared so much, had so much in common, he was my rock and I his. We sat for hours talking and the world around us felt it stopped when we were together. :love: We talked about our feelings, we didnt cross the line. It would have been easy. But we knew we were supposed to be friends for life.. We didnt want to mess that up. Today looking back, I am sooooo glad that we didnt cross the line. I have been blessed with my soul friend who is still and always will be a huge part of my life. He is the one I can turn to when I am down, he is Always there and will fly around the world for me if I needed him, and vice versa. We have had several partners in those 20 years, Guess what, they are gone... but my soul friend,nope he is here to stay!!:)

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I think you are feeding yourself rationalizations on many levels.

 

1. We havent had sex yet - we have only engaged in heavy petting.

 

How would your partner feel about that. Oh its ok. Blow him if you want, so long as he hasnt stuck in in yet?

 

You are having a physical affair. Accept that.

 

2. You dont want to hurt your partner. You are cheating on him - unless you are going for the old if a tree falls in the forest and noone hears it has it fallen, you have hurt your partner. He just doesnt know it yet.

 

3. Why would he ask you to leave? I NEVER asked xMM to leave. Your relationship with your partner is between the 2 of you. Its unfair to expect someone to lure you out of it.

 

Either you are in or you are out. Its not his responsibility to be the one to say you must leave so that you can tell yourself you are leaving because you did it to be with him. He might be a catalyst but you have to be prepared to be on your own if things dont work out with him for some reason.

 

And to answer your question why is he holding back and what does that mean. It could mean any of a milloin things. It could mean he isnt sure what would happened if you left (because of his complications or other reasons).

 

It could mean he wants you to make your decision about your partner on your own and not be "the" reason you left.

 

Hard to say you should ask him.

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888confused

Mino you are 100% correct, boyfriends come and go... a great friendship (soul friends as you call it) last forever. Honestly, i want him as a friend forever. I know b/c of how things are right now... that is how and what it should be.

 

Same with you JJ, it is horriable, wrong and i feel disgusted with myself for the emotional/physical cheating... (and no blowing has been involved)--not that -that matters. cheating is cheating. And right now i am cheating -emotionally definately, along with a little bit of physical.

 

And the tree falling and no one hears it.. right on the money.. i think i try to justify to myself what my SO doesn't know-won't hurt him. AND HOPE to GOD, i wake up and stop doing what i am doing like TODAY!

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888confused

Mino, you really made me think here.. so have all others who have posted. I know and need to accept, being honest with myself and know i need to **** or get off the post --sort of speak. I just keep trying to look the other way...........

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888confused

If i l

 

eave, it has to be for the good of my SO and I. No one should leave another for someone else. it is not fair to all parties involved.

 

i do realize if i leave one day.. i truly need to be alone or date for awhile before getting into another relationship

 

one can know what is right, it is practicing it, and leading yourself into denial that gets you.

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888 Im not passing judgement - really I am not.

 

I just think you need to fess up to yourself about what it is that is going on.

 

That might make your decision making process clearer to you.

 

Why are you cheating on your partner. What do you want from the situation? What do you want from your life?

 

Do you want to stay with your partner? Do you want to end the relationship?

 

all i meant was to say Im doing this naughty thing but I havent cheated yet (??) and what is he thinking isnt really the point.

 

The point is, what do you want for yourself, from your life with your partner and from this other man.

 

You need to focus on what you want the outcome to be and then you will know what to do.

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The feelings that your lover is suppressing COULD be "I really think what she is doing is wrong, and I really don't think I could be long-term with a woman who cheats on her partner, but the blowjobs sure are good....."

 

There is no telling what is in someone else's heart. Make decisions about YOUR life based on what you know, what you feel, what you need, what you want - not what you hope someone else is feeling.

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OP, a couple things.

 

I've been that guy. It's pretty simple. I'm not holding back feelings; I'm holding back actions showing those feelings. The feelings are there. That's why you sense this connection. You're picking up on the feelings. I can say with confidence that this guy will never be a platonic friend. It remains to be seen whether he would be satisfied being leftovers long-term. It took me a lot of therapy to resolve that issue in a positive way.

 

For yourself, even though you say you're not 'in love' with your SO, you are getting something from him. I assume you have sex with him and he validates you that way, as well as whatever living and financial arrangements you have. His attention validates your ego and makes you feel attractive, even though you do not have substantial attraction to him any longer. Is this a relationship of convenience? Perhaps.

 

The others have covered the aspects of cheating so I won't add to that. You have a choice to make.

 

Regarding this friend asking you to leave your current relationship or 'fighting' for you, I can say that I did feel that way at one time, many years ago, but, now, I realize that each of us must make choices based on who we are and what we want. In my case, I made the choice to become single; my 'friend' is still in a LTR (she was married years ago when I was less mature and a 'fighter') and I support that LTR and often make positive statements about her BF and their relationship. Like myself, she has to decide the health of her R on her own terms and in her own time. No secrets and no subterfuge.

 

Hope it works out for you :)

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888confused

I was not accusing you of passing judgment. I think its b/c i know i am dead wrong, and am sitting here trying to justify terms..

Again, lying to myself. If i can't be truthful with myself.. how can i be truthful to others.. That is why i came on here. I needed unbiased opinions and view points.

 

Carhill, that you for sharing your past experience.

 

 

And again, i do know i need to think about what i want for myself in my life.

 

I guess i am just afriad of the unknown.. staying with what is safe.

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The thing is being a rabbit in headlights, waiting for the other shoe to drop (cant think of any more cliches...) feels safe because YOU are not affirmatively driving change.

 

You are passively acting, hoping that events will conspire to lead you one way or the other. Your friend will tell you he loves you and encourage you to leave, your partner will find out and the choice will be made for you... etc etc.

 

But its your life. Your choice. I would say if you were OK with having a side thing with this guy that is your business, but the guy is not up for that. He doesnt want a full blown affair.

 

So I am afraid the decision has to be yours.

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Well, my friend and i have not had sex, just some heavy petting.

We get along perfect, i have a great life with him. BUT, i am not inlove, not sure i ever was. I think i would be stupid to let such a great person go... Sometimes you make a decision (if i decide to leave) and i could be losing the best person in the world.

Everything in your post talks about how great your relationship with your BF is for you. How nice to be involved with such a great person. What a loss for you if you parted with "the best person in the world".

 

And yet you repay his affection and feelings by keeping him as your back-up plan while you explore your feelings - sexual and otherwise - with your friend. Makes you seem incredibly self-centered, but in a callously mean and manipulative way. How do you treat the people you don't care about :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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888 as someone who has been on the other side (as the OW) in a way you are toying with his feelings.

 

He obviously has feelings for you. You are with someone else. What is he supposed to do? The longer this limbo sitution goes on the more possible it is that if one day you say I cant fool around with you anymore, that he will be uncomfortable. Or that you will be uncomfortable.

 

But you seem to know that.

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OP, here's some further food for thought from a guy who has had many healthy platonic friendships with women....

 

Take away the petting. Take away the flirtation and sexual innuendo. Are you, today, being a good friend to him? Think about all the empathetic and supportive ways you are with friends. Sharing their joys and sorrows, doing activities together, both what they want and what you want, and making positive memories. Encouraging them in their social and romantic lives.

 

Look real hard in the mirror and ask yourself if you're being a good friend. I mean, if this guy is really a 'best friend', all the above should go without saying.

 

Think about that last time you and your BF invited him over for dinner and you invited a female acquaintance to round out the table. Friends, both female and male, did that for me many times during my single years. Nothing came of those social occasions, but I loved them for their efforts. Do you love your best friend?

 

Ask him for a month off from the friendship and reflect upon what I have suggested here. Tell him you have his best interests at heart during this quiet time. Then, absent his validation and love, take a hard look at yourself.

 

Cheaper than therapy, of which I've had plenty :)

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888confused

That is exactly how i am... being...

 

Hoping things will fall into place, what is meant to be is meant to be.

 

Believe me, we have gone out platonically more than not. These have been rare occasions that we've acted upon feelings, revved up hormones. We both know it is wrong, we both just want to be friends for now.

 

We still Do enjoy have fun when we go out platonically. We also confide and support eachother. I believe this is just not an attraction physically.. it is also emotionally.

 

 

AND yes, this is a very selfish act. I actually cry and hate myself for it.. I have never been unfaithful and i am beating myself up for it. Def. want to stop and never do that again

 

Also beating myself up for being a coward.

 

There are two situations here... i know i brought up the secondary first, b/c i am emotional about it today.. and figuring a way to sepress my feelings until i know what i want (and i don't mean starting a relationship with with my friend- i mean fighting and working on how i feel about my current SO, or leaving)

 

The true issue here is........ i need to either work on the current relationship with SO-meaning working on ME-- b/c he is a great person. OR leave-

 

 

Believe me.. i am not making my decision how my friend feels about me. I just get confused with the back and forth... I have deep feelings for you.. (one moment) then the next moment he is saying he is holding them back.

 

I do know i am wasting time worrying about that.. i should be more concerned with working on my relationship with SO.

 

 

I just know this is anonoumus and i can get unbiased opinions here. However, believe me, i do know what the important part of all this is.

 

 

 

Everyone.. thank you so much.......... really!

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