MizFit Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I'm very new to this forum and have spent the last 2 days going through many, many threads and posts of members I find interesting. I've found great discussions, advice and information. One thing I'm experiencing is this...I date other men and my MM knows it. He's absolutely fine until it gets to the point I may be ready to sleep with them. In theory he wants me to find a life of my own...in reality he can't deal with it well at all. Do other MM get jealous? I'm assuming that all, or most, OW do date and carry on looking for the way their life is going to continue...or is that an incorrect assumption? Thank you... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Well... unless the OW is married herself.. I would hope that all OWs DO date... otherwise she's wasting her life waiting for someone who might never be with her.. I do.. and they know it.. but they never ask any questions.. why would they mind.. they have someone.. it would be tremendously selfish if he demands his OW to be 'faithful'.. My MM from work will ask, from time to time, if I'm seeing someone, or if I go away on a trip, if I had sex.. I always tell him the truth.. if he can't handle it.. well too bad so sad.. I think that if a MM doesn't ask, it's not because he doesn't care.. it's more like he doesn't want to feel the pain of jealousy.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MizFit Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 I agree with you Lizzie...I assumed OW dated, but from the posts here there isn't much mention of it. The jealousy thing as well...I don't speak of it unless it's asked about, but he does the same regarding his marriage. I struggled with it at first...I felt almost as though I was cheating on him. Didn't take long to sort that out in my head... Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I have to say that I admire you for being one of the apparently few OW who date other people while seeing MM! I would never be able to. With MM I am seeing now it's a choice - I took our relationship very seriously and I truly believe he has not been intimate with his W after the A started -, but I just know that if I were with a cake-eating MM who has no intention to leave I'd be probably too scared to date someone else (even if I should!) out of fear he might do the same... quite a paradox, isn't it? Re-thinking about it, I would feel bad seeing two people at the same time nonetheless. I'd feel bad towards the single guy, even if it was just casual dating (not that I like casual dating anywway). Actually when I'm thinking about "dating someone else" I'm thinking about "being in a looking-around, noticing-other-guys" attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I dated, went out with friends, and had a complete social life outside of xMM. He knew. I made it clear to him, when he asked me for a commitment, that I could not and would not commit to someone who couldn't commit to me. So yes, he'd get jealous. He'd ask questions about what I'd done on the weekend, if I'd met someone. Many times, if he knew I was going out, he would go to the different places I frequent and find me to assure that I didn't meet someone that night. I didn't tell him specifics about anything unless he asked because me having a life outside of him wasn't about trying to hurt him. But I answered him honestly and he never gave me a hard time because frankly, he didn't have a leg to stand on. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I dated, went out with friends, and had a complete social life outside of xMM. He knew. I made it clear to him, when he asked me for a commitment, that I could not and would not commit to someone who couldn't commit to me. Just curious... weren't you worried that not committing to him might blow away the chance (if any) that he might leave? Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Actually it might have the opposite effect. If he sees the OW is not stopping her life for him, not giving any more than she is getting then he may be more motivated to do something about the situation. But I didnt date, had no desire to see anyone else. If someone special had come along I would have stopped seeing xMM. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I'm very new to this forum and have spent the last 2 days going through many, many threads and posts of members I find interesting. I've found great discussions, advice and information. One thing I'm experiencing is this...I date other men and my MM knows it. He's absolutely fine until it gets to the point I may be ready to sleep with them. In theory he wants me to find a life of my own...in reality he can't deal with it well at all. Do other MM get jealous? I'm assuming that all, or most, OW do date and carry on looking for the way their life is going to continue...or is that an incorrect assumption? Thank you... Although my xMM knew he had no right to tell me not to date, he made it clear that he would not tolerate it. I went on one lame date with another guy about 7 months into our relationship because he was clear that he wanted to stay with his W. When he learned of the date, he went ballistic. Supposedly then he realized "how much I meant to him" and promised to move out within a week or so after that. Because he knew he couldn't give me what I wanted, a commitment of any variety, he was threatened by single guys I worked with - I couldn't even go out to lunch with them. Supposedly xMM slept in another room than his wife and they hadn't had sex in years (yeah, right). So he expected complete commitment from me, and I was happy to give it until it became clear that it would never be reciprocated, even after he moved out from the W's house Good for you for living your life in spite of him. I think I could have saved myself a lot of depression if I'd be able to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
CarbonCopy Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I haven't dated since being with my MM (8 months) -- although I was supposed to go on a date last week, which was canceled due to certain circumstances. He's never told me I can't date. In fact, he's always said I have "the green light" and at times he's made comments that I should get a boyfriend, etc. When I told him I had a date last week, he wished me luck and I'm sure he meant it. But I have no doubt that he feels jealous, although he would never admit it to me -- but I know by certain little comments that he makes. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Wow. That is very rational of him. xMM and I never discussed it while we were together. But well after it ended he said he knew he has no right but he got jealous at the thought of me going on a date with anyone (let alone actually getting involved with someone). That didnt impact what I did (certainly not after) but I know he couldnt have handled it if I had dated while we were together. Link to post Share on other sites
In_Repair Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I'm an OM not a OW, but I've had the same talks with my MW. I stopped messing with other women when we got serious, but I made it clear to her that I was still willing to date. She said she understood and that I deserved to have someone that I could have a "normal" relationship. This was all talk though, as I had given up on other women... I have what I want, she is just married to someone else. I guess it's also easier for me right now because she is always there in one way or another. I think our affair is a little out of the ordinary in the sense that we get to see each other daily(we don't even work together, or even the same shift for that matter) and we talk on the phone throughout the day when we are not together physically. Then when you add in that I have 50% custody of my two small children and a full-time salaried position at work... I just don't have the time to date anyone else. I mentioned going on a date a few weeks ago and pointed out how she had told me that she had no problem with me dating other women. Her response was "that was before we got so close"... "now I'm scared that you will like the other woman more than you like me". When I mentioned that she still "dates" her husband, I was told "I'm working on that"... what ever that means:rolleyes: So, yes... mine apparently gets jealous Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Her response was "that was before we got so close"... "now I'm scared that you will like the other woman more than you like me". When I mentioned that she still "dates" her husband, I was told "I'm working on that"... what ever that means:rolleyes: I got that same line. It was so great because "working on that" meant doing nothing at all. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 He wants you to have a life of your own so as not to become "dependent " on him. He doesnt want that responsibility. But he doesnt want any of his women sleeping with someone else, because that would indicate that he did not completely fulfill you. Its just another reinforcement of its all about him. He doesnt want the responsibility of being the sole man in your life, but he wants you to want only him. Really not a complex thing. When I was OW I continued on with my life and just didnt share with MM anything I knew he didnt really want to hear. He doesnt want to hear you bitching about your bills and kids, he doesnt want to hear about your sexual attraction to other men....lol. No real life stuff please. Thats just not your place. It doesnt mean he cares more than he says. Link to post Share on other sites
In_Repair Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I got that same line. It was so great because "working on that" meant doing nothing at all. I assume that's what it really means in my case too. The only way to work on it would be to leave her husband, but she's still there. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Just curious... weren't you worried that not committing to him might blow away the chance (if any) that he might leave? One of the stranger applications of the concept of commitment that I've seen. If an OW/M "commits", what do they expect in return? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
spiraling downward Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 I'm an OM not a OW, but I've had the same talks with my MW. I stopped messing with other women when we got serious, but I made it clear to her that I was still willing to date. She said she understood and that I deserved to have someone that I could have a "normal" relationship. This was all talk though, as I had given up on other women... I have what I want, she is just married to someone else. I guess it's also easier for me right now because she is always there in one way or another. I think our affair is a little out of the ordinary in the sense that we get to see each other daily(we don't even work together, or even the same shift for that matter) and we talk on the phone throughout the day when we are not together physically. Then when you add in that I have 50% custody of my two small children and a full-time salaried position at work... I just don't have the time to date anyone else. I mentioned going on a date a few weeks ago and pointed out how she had told me that she had no problem with me dating other women. Her response was "that was before we got so close"... "now I'm scared that you will like the other woman more than you like me". When I mentioned that she still "dates" her husband, I was told "I'm working on that"... what ever that means:rolleyes: So, yes... mine apparently gets jealous My MW was telling me the same thing that "you're a man and you need certain things"... so when I figured she really was going to give her hubby another chance and I had to go NC for god knows how long... I moved very quickly to find someone else. As it turned out, MW didn't want that at all... freaked out, and blew up her marriage because she was losing me. One thing she has learned about me is that when I set my course in a new direction, I move very quickly. That held true in getting my divorce when I first started the affair... and also when MW gave me the "give my husband one more chance speech." Life is short, no time to waste. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 One of the stranger applications of the concept of commitment that I've seen. If an OW/M "commits", what do they expect in return? Mr. Lucky I can only speak for myself, but the minimum I expect is that he takes action to turn the A into a real relationship, and that he is not having sex or kissing with his W anymore(which shouldn't be a sacrifice anyway, if his marriage is actually that bad!), and he lets me know in case there is some new turn of events with his W. Plus all that I expect from a single guy. The other time I had an A with a MM I was so desperate I would have been happy to commit to him if he had been jut willing not to have OOW. Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Just curious... weren't you worried that not committing to him might blow away the chance (if any) that he might leave? No. He knew that I would be willing to commit to him once he was able to commit to me. Which meant the end of his marriage. As much as I wanted to be with him (and still would if the situation were different) I've always known that if his marriage was to end, it had to be judged and ended on its own merits. He has to leave FOR HIM. Not FOR ME. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 My take - MM/MW shouldn't be jealous if OW/OM is going out on dates. They are after all, married. If they want you to stop dating, then they better be ready to make a choice. Link to post Share on other sites
choklit Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 YES, and I am a MW. The OM would get jealous when my H and I take vacations, especially without our children. Get jealous when we would date, when he gives me gifts(b-day, anniversary) etc. But, we knew who the other was with.....not random people. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 When I was the OW, no I did not date other men (unless we were broken up). They are our soul mates, no? GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 They are our soul mates, no? Then why, in many of these threads, does the "soulmate" go back home each night and sleep with their spouse ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Then why, in many of these threads, does the "soulmate" go back home each night and sleep with their spouse ??? Mr. Lucky Don't assume all MEN go back home and sleep with their spouses ....I didn't...we slept in different rooms and once the D started I moved out. Never to look back....bye bye baby!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 My MW was telling me the same thing that "you're a man and you need certain things"... so when I figured she really was going to give her hubby another chance and I had to go NC for god knows how long... I moved very quickly to find someone else. As it turned out, MW didn't want that at all... freaked out, and blew up her marriage because she was losing me. One thing she has learned about me is that when I set my course in a new direction, I move very quickly. That held true in getting my divorce when I first started the affair... and also when MW gave me the "give my husband one more chance speech." Life is short, no time to waste. Certain things? You moved quickly? I personally don't know how people can just move into something so fast. I couldn't... even though I've gone on several dates. There is no way I could be intimate or get involved with someone so soon. Take your TIME.....trust me you'll think much clearer than you are now. What people say about the affair fog is so true. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Don't assume all MEN go back home and sleep with their spouses ....I didn't...we slept in different rooms and once the D started I moved out. Never to look back....bye bye baby!!! I believe that you're in the minority. The majority of WS's continue to have sex with their spouse - regardless of what they tell the AP - during the A. Not the most considerate conduct for a soulmate ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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