Jump to content

"child support" order really "divorce" - bf married.


Recommended Posts

Omg …just wrote the long story and lost it…here it is again.

I just found out my boyfriend of a year and a half is married, but in process of divorce. Any insights appreciated…

 

Let’s see we met online a year a half ago. We clicked right from the start and for the most part it seemed to be a normal relationship. I had my doubts early on that he might be married based on his strange living situation. I even asked him point blank. He denied it and when I asked for papers, he said he’d get them and then didn’t and said we needed to build trust. This bothered me but decided at that point to let it go and see what happened. Supposedly he was divorced with 3 kids and lived in the house and the ex lived in a small apartment but they still had both names on the mortgage. Then she moved in and he couldn’t stop her because her name was on the house then he moved out for a few months because I couldn’t take the situation. I even saw the place he was renting. Then he moved back in after 5 months because the place he was staying wanted the room back (he was just renting a room in a house ) and they were going to look at selling their house. We took a few “breaks” and even broke up because I wanted him to move out and I didn’t want to wait to sell in bad market.

 

But throughout all this time, we had a fairly normal good relationship. Overnights, weekends, we talked every day at night sometimes for hours. He went to events with my family and friends but I did not meet his. He explained that too…which I actually understood because I have a kid too and did not want him to meet right away. Then around the holidays he told me ex had filed for child support and full custody and there was a huge battle over it. I even found the court filing online but didn’t get why the “original” divorce case was not there. Chalked it up to basic records online even though I could see my friend’s divorce with original case and when it was re-opened for child support changes. Told myself I’d go take a look at the file sometime but didn’t…it actually occurred to me he possibly lied to me about being married while everything else was true and this was the actual first divorce order but chose not to believe it…everything he said seemed to be true and he had done all he has said he would do. There were very small minor things though that didn’t make sense to me.

 

He got his own apartment a couple months after that and I felt like things were finally like they should be…I had a key to his place, I went over there all the time, or he was at my place and I met his family that is in town. He always paid for everything up to that point and made it a point to have his own place. He never asked me for a thing. We've started talking moving in, and other serious discussions.

 

Fast forward to today, I found a little thing online that didn’t jive (bad habit of searching for the ex online and trying to dig up some dirt) and decided then and there to go the court and review the whole record…actually first tried to find the “original divorce decree” but found the “child support modification” which was the dissolution of marriage with child. I read the whole thing. My suspicions were correct.

 

Couple things: she filed, not him. But it seems to me everything else he has told me is true. Unfortunately it’s the foundation of trust that has been leveled and there were the lies branching off this main lie. I know what I should do, but it’s so hard to do. I have been so happy. She stated when he was moved from the home which matched when he did and she said he stated to her shortly after we met he was unhappy with their marriage. My plan is to see what he has to say and break up until the divorce. The trial is scheduled in a few months. And then see where I am at.

 

Thanks for reading this far…tried to keep it to basics. Jjust don’t want to tell anyone irl and I was hoping maybe someone out there had a happy ending??

Link to post
Share on other sites
fooled once
Omg …just wrote the long story and lost it…here it is again.

I just found out my boyfriend of a year and a half is married, but in process of divorce. Any insights appreciated…

 

Let’s see we met online a year a half ago. We clicked right from the start and for the most part it seemed to be a normal relationship. I had my doubts early on that he might be married based on his strange living situation. I even asked him point blank. He denied it and when I asked for papers, he said he’d get them and then didn’t and said we needed to build trust.

 

So he wants to build trust on the fact that he is a liar?

 

This bothered me but decided at that point to let it go and see what happened.

 

You chose to bury your head in the sand.

 

Supposedly he was divorced with 3 kids and lived in the house and the ex lived in a small apartment but they still had both names on the mortgage. Then she moved in and he couldn’t stop her because her name was on the house then he moved out for a few months because I couldn’t take the situation.

 

You couldn't take it???

 

I even saw the place he was renting. Then he moved back in after 5 months because the place he was staying wanted the room back (he was just renting a room in a house ) and they were going to look at selling their house.

 

No, they were reconciling and he didn't want to tell you that because all along he had you believing he was separated.

 

We took a few “breaks” and even broke up because I wanted him to move out and I didn’t want to wait to sell in bad market.

 

But throughout all this time, we had a fairly normal good relationship.

 

How do you have a fairly normal relationship with a man who is married and lives with his wife.

 

Overnights, weekends, we talked every day at night sometimes for hours. He went to events with my family and friends but I did not meet his. He explained that too…which I actually understood because I have a kid too and did not want him to meet right away.

 

You have a child and you had overnights with this man who was married to someone else? How old is your child and truthfully, how long did you actually wait to introduce your child to this liar?

 

Then around the holidays he told me ex had filed for child support and full custody and there was a huge battle over it.

 

If he was spending so much time with you - it must have meant he wasn't spending much time with his 3 children. So why would it be a big deal if his wife filed for custody? And he had no problems with child support right? I mean, any reputable, honest, honorable man wouldn't have a problem supporting his children financially.

 

I even found the court filing online but didn’t get why the “original” divorce case was not there.

 

Why are you nosing around online regarding HIS divorce, etc? Did he know you were doing this? If not, since this was such an honest relationship, why didn't you tell him?

 

Chalked it up to basic records online even though I could see my friend’s divorce with original case and when it was re-opened for child support changes. Told myself I’d go take a look at the file sometime but didn’t…it actually occurred to me he possibly lied to me about being married while everything else was true and this was the actual first divorce order but chose not to believe it…everything he said seemed to be true and he had done all he has said he would do.

 

What had he said that was true? Seems like not much.

 

There were very small minor things though that didn’t make sense to me.

 

He got his own apartment a couple months after that and I felt like things were finally like they should be…I had a key to his place, I went over there all the time, or he was at my place and I met his family that is in town. He always paid for everything up to that point and made it a point to have his own place. He never asked me for a thing. We've started talking moving in, and other serious discussions.

 

Fast forward to today, I found a little thing online that didn’t jive (bad habit of searching for the ex online and trying to dig up some dirt)

 

Why in the HECK are you trying to dig up dirt on his wife? WHY?

 

and decided then and there to go the court and review the whole record…actually first tried to find the “original divorce decree” but found the “child support modification” which was the dissolution of marriage with child. I read the whole thing. My suspicions were correct.

 

Couple things: she filed, not him. But it seems to me everything else he has told me is true. Unfortunately it’s the foundation of trust that has been leveled and there were the lies branching off this main lie. I know what I should do, but it’s so hard to do. I have been so happy. She stated when he was moved from the home which matched when he did and she said he stated to her shortly after we met he was unhappy with their marriage. My plan is to see what he has to say and break up until the divorce. The trial is scheduled in a few months. And then see where I am at.

 

Well isn't that great of you to break up until the divorce :rolleyes:

 

Thanks for reading this far…tried to keep it to basics. Jjust don’t want to tell anyone irl and I was hoping maybe someone out there had a happy ending??

 

Good luck with this --- because this man is a liar and if you choose to continue to see him, then you know what you are getting into. You are choosing to bring this dishonest scum around your child. You are choosing to continue to play this fantasy and as we all know, most fantasies don't end up being reality.

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

Trust is always going to be an issue and I don't get why he didn't just tell your the truth from day one.

 

Keep in mind that his ex is always going to be a part of his life in someway.. Because of their children. Are you ready to be a stepmom? Deal with his kids, and all that goes along with it?

 

Tell him goodbye until the D is final, that way you aren't sucked into his divorce and their drama, especially if she doesn't know you exist.

Link to post
Share on other sites
fooled once

Oh and many times the actual divorce decree is separate from the property settlement and child custody/child support issues -- the decree incorporates those things, but they are not one and the same.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well Fooledonce your reply is kind of harsh...I didn't know he was married when I was with him I only found out yesterday. I admit I am too trusting and want to believe the best of people. That's not a bad thing I think but I'm getting more cynical with each relationship I have unfortunately. I am not the bad person here.

 

Anyway my child is school age and my bf only met him for the first time a few months ago. I've not met his kids and there have been no overnights with my child present...I share custody of him. I've been burned before on my child meeting my boyfriend earlier than he should so I (thought) I was being very careful.

 

Regarding the cs, he has no problem paying that but yes he does have a problem with custody because he did spend a lot of time with them...they actually gave him 60% of time with the kids because she is going to school. They cs they are giving her is not making sense for how much time he was with kids.

 

As far as looking online...I admit anything regarding her didn't need to happen but I am human and am curious. Looking for divorce records online...same reason, I was curious. I felt I did the mature/right thing and asked him directly...it came up a few times. He lied to me. I should have confronted him directly but I felt I had already tried that and yesterday felt I was not getting a true answer and needed to find out myself. He knew most of what I did online because I told him...he knew I searched his wife, knew I was a member of a couple boards where I wrote things about us but I did not tell him about the court record though - planned on it when I was ready but didn't get to that point.

 

We talked yesterday and his answer was basically they have not truly been married for a few years. He told her long before he was not happy and wanted out. She told him no she didn't agree and would make his life hell if he left and keep the children away. (She has done her best to keep her promise since this divorce was filed.) He claims she knew he was seeing other women but she did not know details. He didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't have stayed and he wanted our relationship to work so much. So he decided to basically live his life seperately in the same house and in his mind was not married. The problem is he should have told me from the start so I could make that decision. I want to believe him but I have no idea anymore if he is telling me the truth. I think a grown man could leave and deal with consequences. The fact he did not leave and she was the one who filed does not make sense. I don't need anyone to tell me any of that...I just was wondering if anyone else ever salvaged something like this. No one can really tell me this I can only go based off of what I think we had and if I can believe what he is telling me and forgive him. Like someone said trust will always be an issue.

Link to post
Share on other sites
We talked yesterday and his answer was basically they have not truly been married for a few years. He told her long before he was not happy and wanted out. She told him no she didn't agree and would make his life hell if he left and keep the children away. (She has done her best to keep her promise since this divorce was filed.) He claims she knew he was seeing other women but she did not know details. He didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't have stayed and he wanted our relationship to work so much. So he decided to basically live his life seperately in the same house and in his mind was not married. The problem is he should have told me from the start so I could make that decision. I want to believe him but I have no idea anymore if he is telling me the truth. I think a grown man could leave and deal with consequences. The fact he did not leave and she was the one who filed does not make sense. I don't need anyone to tell me any of that...I just was wondering if anyone else ever salvaged something like this. No one can really tell me this I can only go based off of what I think we had and if I can believe what he is telling me and forgive him. Like someone said trust will always be an issue.

 

What a prick! Sorry. I had a friend go through the exact same thing a year ago before her H finally had the balls to leave the marital house after DISRESPECTING her, their child and marriage for so long living in the same house but acting like he was single.

 

Run, RUN RUN as fast as you can away from this guy. These kind only get worst.

Link to post
Share on other sites
fooled once

So you are trying to decide to stay with this lying, cheating married man?

 

I mean, how hard of a decision is that really?

 

HE HAS LIED TO YOU SINCE THE START OF YOUR "RELATIONSHIP". What part of that aren't you getting?

 

He is a liar.

 

He is a cheat.

 

If that is the kind of man you want, stay.

 

If that is the kind of man you want your impressionable SON around this kind of man, stay.

 

If he was any sort of responsible, upstanding man, he would grab his b*lls, act like a man and deal with is marriage -- either salvage it or get a divorce.

 

Me personally - I wouldn't ever trust another word out of his mouth. If you have to snoop around online to find out if he is married or not ...... what does that say about him?

 

As for his wife, that isn't your business. He isn't your husband. That is between him and her. You are only hearing "his side" of things. You have no idea about his marriage. You have no idea about anything about his wife except what he tells you; and considering he lied about being married, I don't think I would believe a word out of his mouth.

 

But -- hey, if that is the kind of man you want ........

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hm, I thought this was a support forum for others in similar situations. I can't believe the holier-than-thou attitude because we've all done things we know are wrong at various levels and I'm certainly no exception. I'm an eternal optimist and while it often comes back to bite me in the butt, I think sometimes it's worth taking the risky road. It seems no matter what the leaving spouse does, it's the wrong thing. Whether he stayed or left right away it would be wrong...many people encouraged him to stay in a bad situation "for the kids" and he had a hard time leaving them.

 

I know what I know and that's enough for me. I think my bf is a good person who made a bad mistake...we've had an absolutely amazing relationship and his divorce is almost here.

Link to post
Share on other sites
fooled once
Hm, I thought this was a support forum for others in similar situations. I can't believe the holier-than-thou attitude because we've all done things we know are wrong at various levels and I'm certainly no exception. I'm an eternal optimist and while it often comes back to bite me in the butt, I think sometimes it's worth taking the risky road. It seems no matter what the leaving spouse does, it's the wrong thing. Whether he stayed or left right away it would be wrong...many people encouraged him to stay in a bad situation "for the kids" and he had a hard time leaving them.

 

I know what I know and that's enough for me. I think my bf is a good person who made a bad mistake...we've had an absolutely amazing relationship and his divorce is almost here.

 

He isn't your boyfriend - he is a married man.

 

And support is in all forms -- I don't take to the blowing sunshine up the rear type.

 

I call it like I see it.

 

and when you say the divorce is almost here, what does that mean? Does that mean they have waited the required time (in many states it is a year) before a divorce is granted? Or does that mean the time is starting now?

 

And you can stand by him all day. Doesn't mean at the end of the day he will be with you.

 

You said

 

My plan is to see what he has to say and break up until the divorce.

 

So does that mean you broke up with him? Are you still trying to dig up dirt on his wife? Why?

 

He will need time apart from you and his wife after the divorce. Since he really had no desire to get divorced (since she filed) -- he will need time to find out what he really wants out of life. Good chance it won't be you -- or you will be the "transition" person.

 

Why are you choosing to stay with a known liar? That is what I don't understand. You know he has lied to you repeatedly. HOW do you build a relationship on a bunch of lies?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hm, I thought this was a support forum for others in similar situations. I can't believe the holier-than-thou attitude because we've all done things we know are wrong at various levels and I'm certainly no exception. I'm an eternal optimist and while it often comes back to bite me in the butt, I think sometimes it's worth taking the risky road. It seems no matter what the leaving spouse does, it's the wrong thing. Whether he stayed or left right away it would be wrong...many people encouraged him to stay in a bad situation "for the kids" and he had a hard time leaving them.

 

I know what I know and that's enough for me. I think my bf is a good person who made a bad mistake...we've had an absolutely amazing relationship and his divorce is almost here.

 

What you're getting IS advice and support.

 

Much of it has been from people who have BEEN in your situation...some of them OW/OM, some not.

 

What you're seeing is the same response from BS (betrayed spouses) AND several OW/OM (other men/other women)...all telling you the same thing.

 

He is not trustworthy.

 

He's demonstrated this to you repeatedly.

 

Telling you this so that you make an informed decision IS support.

 

You came asking for advice and support...you're getting it.

 

It's still support, even if it's not what you wanted to hear. People are giving you honest advice and suggestions based on their own experiences.

 

What did you come to LS 'wanting' to hear? Were you asking for people to tell you that it will be fine even if they don't feel that it will be? Were you hoping to hear similar stories that worked out fine?

 

I don't think that you were let down by this forum...I think that perhaps your expectations didn't match what you saw here...your definition of support may be different than what those of other posters see it as, perhaps.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Let’s see we met online a year a half ago. We clicked right from the start and for the most part it seemed to be a normal relationship. I had my doubts early on that he might be married based on his strange living situation. I even asked him point blank. He denied it and when I asked for papers, he said he’d get them and then didn’t and said we needed to build trust.

 

He was trolling for girlfriends online while still married. Wow. So much for the "it just happened" excuse. That would concern me very much. And then to throw it back on you saying "you don't trust me". Ugh. Yuck Yuck Yuck. This is the kind of person who would shoot you and then yell at you for bleeding.

 

Much of what he tried to explain away later sounds really manipulative and just that - lame excuses. Again, that would worry me.

 

Fast forward to today, I found a little thing online that didn’t jive (bad habit of searching for the ex online and trying to dig up some dirt) and decided then and there to go the court and review the whole record…actually first tried to find the “original divorce decree” but found the “child support modification” which was the dissolution of marriage with child. I read the whole thing. My suspicions were correct.

 

If you felt a nagging suspicion, you were right to check on it. Sorry you found out your gut was right.

 

I understand why you felt the need to check up on the BW. (I'm not proud, but have engaged in that myself). BW did it too, she hired a PI just to dig up dirt on me, got in contact with my xH, his family, and tried to contact my employer just to get info. It's checking out the competition thing. But, it's SICK. It will make you crazy, just like it made me crazy. Do yourself a favor and stop. I promise you that nothing you find about her is going to make him do the right thing nor make you feel better about yourself.

 

Couple things: she filed, not him. But it seems to me everything else he has told me is true.

 

Don't forget the 1st lie - that he was divorced already when you met. That's HUGE.

 

Unfortunately it’s the foundation of trust that has been leveled and there were the lies branching off this main lie. I know what I should do, but it’s so hard to do. I have been so happy. She stated when he was moved from the home which matched when he did and she said he stated to her shortly after we met he was unhappy with their marriage. My plan is to see what he has to say and break up until the divorce. The trial is scheduled in a few months. And then see where I am at.

 

Just because he told 10 true things and only 2 lies doesn't mean he's mostly honest. In fact, the things he lied on were so huge that it says a lot about him. I know you want to think he's a good-hearted person. And he may be, but the bottom line is you aren't going to be able to trust him, not really, ever again. Whether he's willful or emotionally crippled doesn't matter, the end result is the same.

 

Distance is a good idea if you can't bring yourself to call it off for good now. Stay as far away as you can until the divorce is final and I think he'll reveal himself in a whole new way you'll find unattractive enough to get away from.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I get telling me the straight truth is support, I guess some of it is pretty harsh and probably for a reason. I guess I want to believe that sometimes things do work out even if it starts out bad. I know that is the rare exception. I know of course what he did was bad and wrong and so does he. But when I think of what we did have (and I realize of course it was all colored by a lie) it's really hard to just walk away from that. Wives forgive their husbands or husbands forgive their wives. Why can't I forgive my boyfriend? He made his choices. Would they be mine? No. I don't think so, but then I wasn't in his shoes. So how can I know? How many people on here have been unhappy in their marriages and choose to go outside it while continuing to stay in marriage for whatever reason while the spouse in totally unaware? He was married in name, but not emotionally. I would totally be saying what all of you are saying before all this happened but now that I'm in it, I see it all very differently. I'm just trying to work through all the feelings and thoughts I am having. It's hard.

 

I do appreciate the feedback even when it's hard to read it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wives forgive their husbands or husbands forgive their wives. Why can't I forgive my boyfriend?

 

I'll give you two reasons.

 

First, he's not demonstrated any changes in his behavior. He's demonstrated no real regret or remorse for lying...on the contrary...the lying continues. You can't forgive someone who is still doing the crime.

 

Second, marriages typically have YEARS of foundation behind them. They have a foundation of trust that they can go BACK to when things go bad.

 

A short term relationship doesn't have that. The foundation of your entire relationship is based off his deception of you. Not even taking into consideration his continued deception to his wife as well.

 

Not good.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are having difficulty forgiving him because you are seeing him do to another woman what you would never want done to you.

 

My friend and her ex are divorced officially now (she told me yesterday, YAY!), but he put her through Hell for three years with his back and forth. Back to the marital bed, out of the marital bedroom. Living like he was single, sorry he hurt her and trying to be married for the sake of their child.

 

You don't want to be involved with a man like this. Even now, this guy is dating a mutual friend of theirs (of course, no longer a mutual friend) and managed to involve HER in their family issues too. Its not pretty. And its not worth it, IMO.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...