jj33 Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Well I finally reached the end of my tether with dealing with xMM over the past few years. And told him I would deal with his colleagues. He went ballistic. He is also saying that he is going to have to tell people WHY i wont deal with him, i.e that I am some sort of psycho b*tch who cant get over him.... That I am punishing him.... and that I am taking some sort of pleasure in it. That I will regret it as so many people dislike me... That I am irrational hysterical and psycho.... All because I said i would prefer if we put up a chinese wall as between him and my business... charming... I always predicted doing that would be career suicide and it may have been Wish me luck Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Let him try to ruin you. Rise above it, even if it kills you and never show emotion. Infact, act happy and aloof. Let others look at him like he's a big gossip queen, he's the one with the issues and can't get over it. You're strong, don't let this f**khead get to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Another reason why I try to discourage people from having affairs. It's not gonna look good for you. remember he's the married man, your the mistress in people's eyes. I wish things turn out well for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 I am shocked. I mean the affair has been over for years. And why would you do that to someone who lines your pockets with $$. And think that they would still continue to send you work? Its crazy. I just dont understand his thinking. its like he thinks he owns me in some way and that I dont have the right to decide that his behavior is unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 JJ, I need to go back and read some of your older posts because Im' having trouble remembering your full situation. don't try to figure out his way of thinking..It'll make your brain explode! HE is the crazy one - And if tries to ruin you, put a harrassment suit against him! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 I am so sorry, jj. This has got to be the worst possible outcome when the A is over in your situation. Its not like his W ever minded or he was planning on leaving, now he's trying to make you out to be some crazy woman. I honestly don't know what to say other than play it cool. Just be your usual self and the others should begin to see that you aren't a woman scorned, he's just mad that you are getting over him so well. I'm so sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 he's just mad that you are getting over him so well. This is it. Has to be.. He's peeved because you ARE doing well and obviously he's not. He's looking for ANY kind of reaction out of you - Don't give him one. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 That I am irrational hysterical and psycho.... I agree with NoIDidn't...act cool and calm as you always do with these people, and they'll see that he's the one being irrational. Actions speak louder than words. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 I am shocked. I mean the affair has been over for years. And why would you do that to someone who lines your pockets with $$. And think that they would still continue to send you work? Its crazy. I just dont understand his thinking. its like he thinks he owns me in some way and that I dont have the right to decide that his behavior is unacceptable. I fully agree with the others. He's ticked off that you're able to move on. This is a power struggle and he wants power over you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Hi, the best way to handle this is PROVED that your not NUTs... How do you do that? Be normal at work, Smile, be friendly, help people out when needed. Enjoy yourself at work. You may even want to tell a few co workers you met someone special..... Dress like a million dollars and walk with ALOT of confidence!! The more you shine, the more crazy he will get, and at the end of the day, if he puts out that stupid rumor, he will look like the fool, because you are to busy being the shinining., no one will beleive him. And be cordial to him, smile and keep walking... You can turn this around Girl!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 I am shocked. I mean the affair has been over for years. And why would you do that to someone who lines your pockets with $$. And think that they would still continue to send you work? Its crazy. I just dont understand his thinking. its like he thinks he owns me in some way and that I dont have the right to decide that his behavior is unacceptable. Maybe he is not over you! He sees you moved on, and he hasnt... Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Hi, the best way to handle this is PROVED that your not NUTs... How do you do that? Be normal at work, Smile, be friendly, help people out when needed. Enjoy yourself at work. You may even want to tell a few co workers you met someone special..... Dress like a million dollars and walk with ALOT of confidence!! The more you shine, the more crazy he will get, and at the end of the day, if he puts out that stupid rumor, he will look like the fool, because you are to busy being the shinining., no one will beleive him. And be cordial to him, smile and keep walking... You can turn this around Girl!! Respond, dont react... epeat that over and over when your upset at work... Helps me in many situations,,,because it makes you stop and thing, How do I want to respond to this... verses flying off the handle. Link to post Share on other sites
wildsoul Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Respond, dont react... epeat that over and over when your upset at work... Helps me in many situations,,,because it makes you stop and thing, How do I want to respond to this... verses flying off the handle. Good one! I'm going to borrow that for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 Thanks. We dont actually work in the same company. Its like he is irate that he doesnt get to run my business and make my business decisions for me. He makes all these assumptions and tries to take liberties as if we were married or something and he was helping me with my business or my contacts and clients were his as well. We are no longer a "we" and really never were as he was married. Had he left and if we were together, yes I would be more inclined to treat both our businesses as ours. But as it is, its like whats his is his and whats mine is his... And now I am unprofessional for taking my personal feelings into account in deciding who to deal with at his company. Sorry but just being realistic. Its gotten a point where we have friction and I get jealous easily (because he provokes and then says he hasnt like a 3 year old who pulls his sister's hair and then complains when she hits him back...) and I dont need to continue to put myself in that situation. I wish I could say I have done it because I am over hiim. Its more because I am not as over him as I would like to be. I am still far too reactive to his words. And its not good for either of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 NID thats exactly what gets me. This is a situation where there was no BS noones life was disrupted and there is no reason for it to become ugly outside of the 2 of us. I am minimizing the contact because it has become ugly. You know if he had done one or two SIMPLE things, I would never ever have cut him off. But he persisted in doing things to provoke me (maybe I am wrong but an independent poll has confirmed that yes they were designed to provoke...) because any reaction is a reaction. And why? Hes got the "perfect" life. Hes not going anywhere. Why object to me moving on? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 I used to think it would be wrong to say I couldnt deal with him. I thought it was a sign of weakness etc. And he gives me endless grief that it is very unprofessional for me to take this decision. But I think its realistic. We have a complicated history. He can tell people I am great and vice versa and I can send business to his company and have others execute it. The only thing he loses is the personal contact with me which frankly is not a plus when we were getting into squirmishes all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 The only thing that makes sense to me is he is trying to save face. And the only way to do that is to say I am a psycho - like Rose on Two and a Half Men... And of course hes not doing anything to provoke me, its all in my head. Carhill or you other guys would love some male input on this. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 Oh and I have said to him its a power struggle. He denies it says he is just doing his job and I am being obstreporous and unreasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 The only thing he loses is the personal contact with me Hugs, JJ. Possibly, for him, he is losing MUCH more than just "personal contact"? Sounds as if it really suited his self-image to be your (in his mind only) personal and business 'knight in shining armour', saviour, Svengali or Henry Higgins...with a bit of 'hot lover' thrown in for good measure...and all depending on what role he felt like playing, when. Your message that you are empowered, strong, independent and NOT needy is just totally aggravating his under-developed, over-blown, arrogant, distorted notion of himself. Perhaps? Hope so...looks good on him. HE is the freakin' psycho nutjob, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Carhill or you other guys would love some male input on this. LOL, you're probably asking the wrong guy for advice here. I'm the guy who sent the MW's BH all her and my cards and letters to each other after going NC. Lucky it was she who got the mail that day However, in the off chance that I've grown in the last 16 years, I will try. Men have an intrinsic psychology of dismissing things they can't fix or control, and women are right at the top of that list. We can't control you or fix you to fit in that nice little box we have all set aside for you, so you're a psychotic biotch. The details don't really matter. What it really means is that our emotions regarding you make us feel out of control and we hate that. Note: "we" isn't every man, just a generalization of my experiences with my gender. I see examples every day. BTW, my friend still has all those cards and letters, or so she says. I think I was the psychotic biotch in that instance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jj33 Posted June 6, 2009 Author Share Posted June 6, 2009 Thanks Ronni. And thanks Carhill. Both right. Doesnt want to explore scary emotions and reasons for things so lets just sweep it under rug and call me crazy when I respond to it since I dont compartmentalize. But the big bugaboo is if someone calls you those things, doesnt that mean you pull ALL your business? Isnt that really a declaration of war? So for him to say ok truce lets just forget that happened. Freaking excuse me???? You said I was unstable... how the f**** am I supposed to sweep that little chestnut under the rug? Bottom line - I dont think so.... And he hates that I hold that power. He hates that he may now be accountable to me for being a so cruel. This is what happens to people who squealch their emotions. its the white collar equivalent of going to McDonalds with an ouzi. But its not OK. And being him he wont apologize. He said oh you know I am crazay about you lets stiop all this nonsense. Are you freaking serious. No fing way. There ARE consequences to calling my mental stability into question. trhat is very very dirty fighting is it not? Saying you are worried about me I must not be feeling well if I am saying xyz? As if I have a history of mental illness (which by the way i dont). I hate to be vindictive but I am nailing his ass to the wall on this. Who the f does he think he is? Its time he learned that if he wants to be in contact with me he has to be respectful and these gaslighting episodes just arent acceptable especially in business. If he apologizes, fine and I will deal with his colleagues. But short of that, no deal. All comments welcome. I hate to be a hardass but I dont see any other option. I have lost too much time, too many tears etc etc to his games. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 A more calm response would help your case Boy, I remember those days well. I think, being older now, it was just the time of life. Everything was intense. In another few years, you'll laugh about all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome84 Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 JJ I applaud your courage. Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 LOL, you're probably asking the wrong guy for advice here. I'm the guy who sent the MW's BH all her and my cards and letters to each other after going NC. Lucky it was she who got the mail that day However, in the off chance that I've grown in the last 16 years, I will try. Men have an intrinsic psychology of dismissing things they can't fix or control, and women are right at the top of that list. We can't control you or fix you to fit in that nice little box we have all set aside for you, so you're a psychotic biotch. The details don't really matter. What it really means is that our emotions regarding you make us feel out of control and we hate that. Note: "we" isn't every man, just a generalization of my experiences with my gender. I see examples every day. BTW, my friend still has all those cards and letters, or so she says. I think I was the psychotic biotch in that instance. I love a man who can be introspective and speak honestly about his own gender without feeling insecure about it. This is a clear and consise post that is careful not to step on any other guy's toes. Thanks for this. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 JJ, I'm not seeing that you're being either "vindictive" or "hardass". You are setting some firm boundaries that are intended to protect YOU -- that is your self-caring, self-nurturing responsibility to yourself. It is you being kind to, and compassionate with, YOU. Nothing "vindictive" or hostile about that at all, IMO. I think he said those things and called you names ONLY out of his desire to control and manipulate you. To me, that really does speak to a cruel nature; of totally lacking concern for you; of placing absolutely no value on who you are as a human being. It makes me so mad! He is classless and clueless; devoid of dignity; ignorant and insane. HE is petty and vindictive. All these crap labels that he is throwing your way...HE is all of that!!! Protecting yourself from what he is, would be the OPPOSITE of you being vindictive. It would be a (self) loving act of the highest order. Link to post Share on other sites
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