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Understanding my MM


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delirious

I have been with mm for 8 months, we and he finished two times but could not keep apart. The last break for six weeks and we fell into each other's arms, slightly before that happened however he said we could not go on like this (I know slight cliche). But afterwards, we did not make love but just held each other tightly during which the emotion was incredible. We said goodbye but was not sure if it was the end. However I rang him two days later and said could we talk and he was different again, saying yes definitely and arranging to meet the following week. We talked on the phone for half an hour and laughed and joked. So I was confident things were back on track although i knew we needed to discuss where we go but I did not say this - I thought i would wait until I saw him. However he did not show up, he cannot ring me as we have no mobiles and home phone gets answered for office. I always ring him. I am truly devastated, i do not know what to do. Has he bottled it? Has he changed his mind again. How do I cope. I know recently he has developed very strong feelings but help - I wanted to get this sorted this time. I normally ring him one day a week when w is not there. I know he will not be able to ring me. SHould I ring him again or suffer and open the wine again. I love him so much it is making me a wreck, I had said before, we could just meet for coffee occasionally rather than stop completely. Help all MM or men in that predicament. I know he will not want to hurt me on purpose.:lmao:

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JeezLouise

Your title made me laugh - good luck with understanding a MM!

 

You know what? This is the year 2009. He knows how to use a payphone. (And you at least a have a computer - do you two not use email?)

 

If he blew you off without a word, I wouldn't call him.

 

He sounds like he got a case of the guilts and that's why you didn't have sex last time and why he stood you up.

 

Be thankful this was only 8 months instead of 8 years. Good luck.

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I. I know he will not want to hurt me on purpose.

 

 

So many OW do this. No, of course he would not set out specifically to hurt you on purpose. But in the course of his real life, if you get hurt, it isnt his fault. Most of the time it doesnt even cross his mind.

 

If he hurts you, like stiffing you and leaving you hanging like he just did...

Its not his fault is it?? Therein lies the beauty of the affair for MM. He has no responsibility or obligations to you - not even your feelings can be his responsibility ...because he has a built in safety net: He is Married.

It isnt his fault he can call. It isnt his fault he canceled.

 

Of all of the things it is understood MM cannot give you...you cannot even expect common courtesy from him , like a phone call to cancel.

 

If it were a single man that you were dating, I bet you would not put up with it because you feel he had no excuse.

 

MM can never hurt you with you blaming HIM for it because : Hey, his hands are tied, its not his fault. He wanted to be there, he wanted to call - but couldnt. Thats BS! A phone call is not reinventing the wheel - for anyone!

 

Because of none of the hurts, not of the slights can ever be his fault, you will continue to pine for him, give him excuses, accept his "I'm sorry" with no change in action.

 

You are optional. When he is speaking with you, you are there. When he wants to see you , you are there. When you are not there - you dont exist. Even if he loves you in some fashion - it costs him nothing, not even a phone call.

 

He has it made. What do you have? In a relationship, even an affair - both parties should benefit in some way. Its seems in this one - he benefits by knowing you are there if he chooses and you only suffer.

 

Choose to matter, at least to yourself. You can move on from this!

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delirious

No I know, but my h would answer the phone. And his wife controls computer business at his house so emails out of question, it is difficult for contact this way. He may try and ring or may have rung, i don't know, i just know it is difficult and that is why he asks me to call him usually, Sounds antiquated but true. If he has blew me out, why only two days ago were we laughing and joking and being excited about seeing each other. Do mm have Jeckle and Hyde problems usually?

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I have a few q's for you:

 

Why have an A?

 

What do you want from your MM?

 

How do you want this A to end? This A MUST end...question is how...

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before that happened however he said we could not go on like this (I know slight cliche).

 

Yes.. very cliche.. :o

 

which the emotion was incredible.

 

For you it was incredible.. not sure it was for him.. :o

 

However he did not show up, he cannot ring me as we have no mobiles and home phone gets answered for office.

 

Get a cell phone.. but IMO.. you're in for a very painful 'ride'.. this man is not that into you.. only when he is horny and feels down....

 

 

I always ring him. I am truly devastated, i do not know what to do.

 

See.. you do all the 'work'.. he just doesn't care as much as you do..

 

SHould I ring him again or suffer and open the wine again.

 

NO.. NO ... NO... if he wants to see you.. he knows how to reach you. Don't be soooo dependant on this guy..

 

I know he will not want to hurt me on purpose.

 

On purpose no... but trust me.. he will hurt you.. :o

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LucreziaBorgia

Regardless of how much or little emotion is involved or what the MM says, the key to understanding most MM is to understand that they want affairs, not divorces, and to keep the relationship in such a way that he gets exactly that: an affair that stays an affair, and a marriage that stays a marriage.

 

When you go against this, the affair will fizzle before the marriage does. Most of the time anyway.

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Regardless of how much or little emotion is involved or what the MM says, the key to understanding most MM is to understand that they want affairs, not divorces, and to keep the relationship in such a way that he gets exactly that: an affair that stays an affair, and a marriage that stays a marriage.

 

When you go against this, the affair will fizzle before the marriage does. Most of the time anyway.

 

I wanted to second this.

 

And give you the thought that "understanding your MM" isn't likely to bring the two of you closer, or give you any comfort.

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NoIDidn't
And give you the thought that "understanding your MM" isn't likely to bring the two of you closer, or give you any comfort.

 

And, I, want to second this.

 

Understanding his excuses is only going to make room for more of them.

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Understanding his excuses is only going to make room for more of them.

Amen.

 

Time spend understanding YOURSELF would be much more productive.

 

Why are you willing to be in an affair, when it seems pretty clear you want more? And also, why would you enter into such a risky one, where the W is privy to all of her husband's communications? Do you like danger, or are you so lovestruck that you don't see the many risks?

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delirious

Well I just found out, not through him, that the reason he was not able to meet me was that he had a colleague in his car at the time and for the rest of the afternoon. I saw him pass me later and pip his horn with this colleague in the car (a male). I think he just expects me to understand this until I speak to him. I should expect him to call me when he is with a colleague and his wife is there? I do not feel I should expect him to cause suspicion. Mobile phones would cause a lot of suspicion too. Most affairs are discovered this way. I do no feel ready to be discovered. I have never asked him to leave her - we just met and fell over board over a period of seeing each other as friends. No one can describe how you feel until it happens to you, it was certainly a shock to me. And for whoever said it was not strong emotions for him (I can assure you that it was him that expressed them). Not sexually. Some people do not believe that you can fall in love without even realising it is happening. You don't have to have sex to do this.

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NoIDidn't
Well I just found out, not through him, that the reason he was not able to meet me was that he had a colleague in his car at the time and for the rest of the afternoon. I saw him pass me later and pip his horn with this colleague in the car (a male). I think he just expects me to understand this until I speak to him. I should expect him to call me when he is with a colleague and his wife is there? I do not feel I should expect him to cause suspicion. Mobile phones would cause a lot of suspicion too. Most affairs are discovered this way. I do no feel ready to be discovered. I have never asked him to leave her - we just met and fell over board over a period of seeing each other as friends. No one can describe how you feel until it happens to you, it was certainly a shock to me. And for whoever said it was not strong emotions for him (I can assure you that it was him that expressed them). Not sexually. Some people do not believe that you can fall in love without even realising it is happening. You don't have to have sex to do this.

 

See, now you are making excuses for him.

 

If he was supposed to call you, why wasn't he near a phone? Why was he in the car with a colleague?

 

Why are you tolerating these excuses? Common courtesy doesn't have to go out of the door just because it is an affair.

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delirious

Wildsoul, I am so love struck, I cannot think straight, shoot me. I stand to lose a great deal.

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Why should you care if he's "caught" or not?

 

It's not YOUR problem...it's his.

 

Why are you not "ready" to be caught yet? What do you fear will happen, and why?

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delirious

I don't feel able to cause pain to anyone..... I also don't feel able to stop. It is totally out of control for me, I wish I could leave it. I have never been so in love with someone.

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Delirious, you're in good company. I understand the power of "lovestruck," as do many others here.

 

It seems for now, you're in the phase of trying to figure out what the lay of the land is in affair-world. Welcome to the asylum!

 

You wrote, "I stand to lose a great deal."

 

All I can say to that right now is: You have NO idea, sister! Right now, you're thinking of losing him and your connection. But the greater risk, that is lost in the affair fog, is you can end up really losing your SELF. Tread carefully.

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delirious

Thank you for that Wildsoul, you certainly talk sense. At least you can take methadone or something if you are on drugs, what the hell do you take for this.

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Well I just found out, not through him, that the reason he was not able to meet me was that he had a colleague in his car at the time and for the rest of the afternoon. I saw him pass me later and pip his horn with this colleague in the car (a male). I think he just expects me to understand this until I speak to him. I should expect him to call me when he is with a colleague and his wife is there? I do not feel I should expect him to cause suspicion. Mobile phones would cause a lot of suspicion too. Most affairs are discovered this way. I do no feel ready to be discovered. I have never asked him to leave her - we just met and fell over board over a period of seeing each other as friends. No one can describe how you feel until it happens to you, it was certainly a shock to me. And for whoever said it was not strong emotions for him (I can assure you that it was him that expressed them). Not sexually. Some people do not believe that you can fall in love without even realising it is happening. You don't have to have sex to do this.

 

Gosh, YOU ARE NOT LISTENING. This WHOLE thing with a MM is emotional. It is not logical. When you make decision based on emotion...it normally is all screwed up especially when it comes to a mm. This is their whole card anyway.

 

Logic is telling you...This is not right and I need to move on

 

Emotion is telling you....oh I love him and I dont want to lose him..blah, blah, blah

 

Emotions are mis-leading. You can live and be without him.

 

He did not even call you to say a word alll this time. Come on lady...wake up. YOu are not a priority and you need to get a grip on yourself for YOU. THIS IS NOT ABOUT HIM...IT IS ABOUT YOU AND WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE OF YOU that makes you want to be a part of this

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White Flower
I know he will not want to hurt me on purpose.:lmao:

Take it from someone who knows--if he cared he would call. If he cared, he would put you first and not allow you to be hanging like you are. When a man loves a woman, he puts her first, even in an A.

 

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like he is putting himself first, then his W, and lastly you. Don't try to understand him; try to understand yourself. Don't defend him, be angry with him! He left you hanging after sharing all those 'emotions'. If it was so deep, why leave you hanging?

 

I wish I would have ended it after 8 months. It was more like 3 years and the longer it goes the deeper the love gets and with that comes MORE MISERY, unless of course, you LIKE being in an affair and never want to marry the guy.

 

I'd try not to prove my love nor waste anymore time. I'd leave.

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Why should you care if he's "caught" or not?

 

It's not YOUR problem...it's his.

 

Why are you not "ready" to be caught yet? What do you fear will happen, and why?

 

Well, if her husband catches on, HE might care.

 

No I know, but my h would answer the phone.

 

9lives is right:

THIS IS NOT ABOUT HIM...IT IS ABOUT YOU AND WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE OF YOU that makes you want to be a part of this

Look inside yourself and inside your marriage and figure out why you are so desperately clinging to a MM you can't have, and are willing to lose the husband you do have. You've already detached yourself from your husband; all your energy is going toward pining for MM. Why would you do that to yourself? Why do that to your husband?

 

What is this MM worth to you? More than your peace of mind? More than your husband's love and respect?

 

I don't feel able to cause pain to anyone..... I also don't feel able to stop. It is totally out of control for me, I wish I could leave it. I have never been so in love with someone.

 

You are already causing your husband pain. You are damaging your marriage every minute that you deceive him.

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delirious

Perhaps the reason is that my marriage was over months before I fell in love. I have told my husband I do not love him. He is free to leave but he chooses not to. I have not told him that I subsequently fell for someone else. This is not the reason. I was not in love with him when I fell for mm. As for previous posters, I do not expect to be mm's priority. Does that make me stupid? I would not call him if it would cause suspicion either even though I am desperately in love with him.

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Perhaps the reason is that my marriage was over months before I fell in love. I have told my husband I do not love him. He is free to leave but he chooses not to. I have not told him that I subsequently fell for someone else. This is not the reason. I was not in love with him when I fell for mm. As for previous posters, I do not expect to be mm's priority. Does that make me stupid? I would not call him if it would cause suspicion either even though I am desperately in love with him.

 

Given the state of your M, why do you not chose divorce?

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  • 5 weeks later...
Perhaps the reason is that my marriage was over months before I fell in love. I have told my husband I do not love him. He is free to leave but he chooses not to. I have not told him that I subsequently fell for someone else. This is not the reason. I was not in love with him when I fell for mm. As for previous posters, I do not expect to be mm's priority. Does that make me stupid? I would not call him if it would cause suspicion either even though I am desperately in love with him.

 

hmmm. you're miserable when he doesn't call and contact you when he says he will. you're sad when he brushes you off. I think you DO want to be his priority...and if you don't you should! If he truly loved you -- he would [as green eyed lady has said] move mountains. Unfortuantely most of the MMs in this category don't want to. I know mine certainly didn't. NOT saying though that he doesn't...only you can know that :)

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