BrotherD Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 Why we are relational to it is the better question. Why are we putting ourselves in second position and accepting poor treatment would be the better path to explore. A better path to learn from too… We can discuss the ins and out of the dynamic of these EMR’s till we’re blue in the face (this forum is filled with these ramblings/musings..) But really, why are we so attracted to the drama and pain? Like Sad in Texas said these EMR’s lead to becoming “best friends with pain..” I loved that insight.. So are we reliving past, unfinished business? I think so. Think back to some other hurts in your life. Does the EMR reconstitute these feelings and give us chance to change the outcome of incomplete trama? Is the futility of it familiar and comfortable? That’s what we should be talking about… In the book “The Power of Now” by Ekhart Tolle, he talks about the “pain body.” And that certain events “awaken” the hurt/damaged part of us…(I think everybody has a hurt/damaged part of their personality too, so no jabs at any of us here on the board) It’s a little “woo woo” but very interesting…Go here for a brief explanation of his theory http://www.commonground.ca/iss/0510171/cg171_tolle.shtml May I suggest,the predicament we find ourselves in is directly related to “feeding” what he calls the “pain body…” I won’t try and paraphrase what he’s trying to say, but reading “The Power of Now” has helped me tremendously, and not just with the recent relationship BS I’ve experienced lately . It’s also helped me notice when I’m reacting to events out of my “pain body…” in all aspects of my life. As I’ve mentioned in other posts, maybe the people we are involved with aren’t “cake eaters” or narcissists, or harshly toilet trained sociopaths…For whatever reason the situation is bringing out the hurt kid in us… Another way to look at it is maybe our EMR partner has had their “pain body” awakened by the relationship as well… As long as two people are relational to each other this way it seems futile, no? I would even go so far as to say that until one acknowledges that our actions are coming not from us but from an awakened “pain body” we can never be "naturally" (?) in relationship with anyone…I often think about the reason why these EMR’s don’t work is WE aren’t attracted to these situations, it the “pain body” that is attracted to them. If we were clear on this idea, WE WOULD NEVER HAVE DANCED THESE PEOPLE TO BEGIN WITH. It’s a harsh reality, but every one of my intimate relationships has triggered this “beast” coming to the forefront. I have done things and accepted treatment I would have never accepted from anyone. Oh boy. Well that’s cheery news isn’t it? Where do we go from here? The book talks about meditation and other ways to “center” yourself…All old ideas probably rooted in Buddhism and other religious ideas, but worth investigating to say the least.. Is the aforementioned the answer? I don’t know. It’s very hard to change an ingrained way of being and relating to the world, but this I do know, we are what we think about. So maybe if we think about why we are relational to these funked up situations as oppose to trying to ascertain what our partner is doing might do the trick… I hope this wasn’t to flowery or “new agey” Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted April 25, 2009 Share Posted April 25, 2009 Interesting topic. Having been married to an NPD husband, part of my journey into recovery from that was exploring the WHY's. Why did I stay so long? Why didn't I leave at the first mistreatment? Why did I believe I was at fault for the miserable dynamics of this abusive marriage? Etcetera ad nauseum. There was more than one answer to those questions in some cases, but ultimately it made me take a good long look at myself, my emotional deficiencies and why my self esteem was such that it allowed me to go down that road. The simple answer is I had a damaged self image for a very specific reason not tied to my FOO, which allowed me to get there. That combined with optimism, belief in the power of love, his manipulation, gaslighting, and general brainwashing allowed me to stay there far longer than I ever should have. After I divorced NPDxH and spent time recovering, over time I encountered two more dysfunctional men who did the rush thing that most disordereds do. Let's hurry up and live together, let's get married right away, i.e. let me weave myself into the fabric of your life so fast and so tight it won't be easy to get rid of me once you realize who I really am. Having become much stronger through my self exploration journey, I had fair boundaries and ended those relationships as I should have. So fast forward to xMM. This was a road I had never traveled before. I actually felt strongly against infidelity (having been a BS myself). I didn't seek this type of relationship that I ultimately got into with him. It was a situation where we had a common bond and feelings grew from that. But, as is often said in these forums, it didn't just happen. After the emotional bond grew, I felt safe with him. I trusted him (now my barometer for trust isn't exactly accurate based on the men of my past, but compared to them, xMM was a saint trapped in a sinner's body). I thought about the pros and cons of what I was entering into and frankly felt (because I was selfish and wanted it at the time) that it would meet my needs and killed the fears I had of someone trying to invade my life. He was safe. He couldn't be with me 24/7. He wouldn't be pushing to move in and marry. I believed (and actually still do) that he is in a really bad situation at home. I thought we were meant to find each other and have that bond because we both needed that. I've done a lot more growing since then and have realized that no matter how true his marital situation may be, and how lonely and deprived and abused he may be, infidelity is still not the answer for him. By being a cake eater, I wouldn't imply at all that he is narcissistic. I've been there before and I know the difference between the two men. Simply, it is easier for him to avoid her and live out his fantasies with me and use me as a place to escape his reality than it is to leave his young children and divide the assets and go through that battle. And it will be a battle if that day ever comes. It is easier for him to have the "best of both worlds" although neither world as it sits is ideal by any means. I have realized for myself that no matter how scared I might be of weird people I might meet, it is up to me to be smart, enforce my boundaries and believe in my intuition. Escaping from my own reality by hiding in the arms of a married man is not the answer. I am no better than him in that regard. So, I think I'm on the right road for discovering the WHY's of this issue. I do still care for xMM a lot. I feel for his situation, but he is the only one with the power to change it. I've lost respect for him not having the courage to do something real about it. I've lost respect because he knows I want something different but he would gladly entertain me staying with him even though he knows it isn't the healthy thing for me. I made a mistake, but I have forgiven myself for that. I'm using this as yet another learning experience to grow from and make myself stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BrotherD Posted April 26, 2009 Author Share Posted April 26, 2009 So, I think I'm on the right road for discovering the WHY's of this issue. I do still care for xMM a lot. I feel for his situation, but he is the only one with the power to change it. I've lost respect for him not having the courage to do something real about it. I've lost respect because he knows I want something different but he would gladly entertain me staying with him even though he knows it isn't the healthy thing for me. I made a mistake, but I have forgiven myself for that. I'm using this as yet another learning experience to grow from and make myself stronger. I think you're on the right track... Tolle talks about "feeding the pain body" When we are clear about what that means and simply notice it (the pain body) and that's its not really who we are, we will make different decisions and Ill bet these MM/MW would suddenly lose most of their luster...Because we arent attracted to these people, the pain body is... Its tougher in reality than in practice I know...Especially if we have limmerant feelings for our MM/MW Did you go to link from my original post? It's a summary of one of the key ideas he's trying to convey from The Power of Now... Also google "pain body" to see Tolle speak on You Tube... Thanks for all your wise words SIT, I always look forward to reading your posts BroD Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 I read the link and some of it conceptually escapes me. I get that past pain can affect your current/future decisions and self image and agree that it must be dealt with or you're bound to repeast past patterns. I would have to read the book to have a full understanding of his meaning, but I don't think it's much different than realizing that all of life's experiences help to mould who we are, good and bad, and only in dealing with the core issues and residual pain can we truly be healthy and happy. But I think it's in line with what I posted before. Or at least as I see it, the two relationships I had after NPDxH triggered fears and traumatic memories I had with NPDxH which sent me to someone I felt as "safe" since he couldn't get too close to me and hurt me the way I'd been hurt before. If only then had I realized he could inflict pain in an entirely different way without even trying to (well actually I did that to myself, he wasn't the cause, he was just a participant). Anyway I think I get it on the surface, but would be interested in reading the book to get his entire concept. Thanks for the recommendation! Link to post Share on other sites
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