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Being the other woman saga


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

 
 
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Old 18th November 2002, 11:42 AM   #1
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Being the other woman saga

My friend Lucy has a friend named Rick. All summer she would talk about him and how he was not doing very well and was having issues with his girlfriend. Well early in Sept., Lucy invited me to her friend Rick's huge Labor Day party. When I first walked in I saw this guy and it was instant chemistry between the two of us. We talked and I just was so drawn to him and it seemed, he to me. After about 1/2 hr, I realized he was Rick w/ a gf (who by the way was at the party, but left after only an hour). I then started to avoid him, though I couldn't believe how I was feeling toward someone I'd just met. I then had to leave the party for an hour or so to meet up w/ other friends, and he chased after me asking me not to leave. I ended up coming back and we spent the night talking and kissing. I would never get involved with someone w/ a gf, but I had heard that he wasn't happy in the relationship and figured, they would probably end up breaking up anyway. He told me when he and his gf had been dating a year, he was in a bar and a girl walked in. He said the second he saw her and started talking to her, he said to himself, I can't let that girl walk out of my life w/o knowing if she's the one. After 1 date w/ the girl, he was turned off and realized that she wasn't anything special and he stayed w/ his gf. Until the night he met me. He said I can't let you walk away w/o knowing if you're the one. I said, if you're still looking for "THE ONE", then your present gf isn't for you. You may love and care for her, but you're obviously not in love w/ her.

After that night, I said to him, this may just be an infatuation, so let's just hang out and see where it goes. Well it kept growing and growing. We spent time together and after a month we ended up getting intimate with each other. We done fun couple stuff together and even though my guard was up, I've been falling for him. I confronted him w/ the situtation w/ the gf about a month ago, about what he planned to do and he told me he was confused. He said he wasn't happy w/ her because she wanted to move in and buy a house w/ him and she and all her friends are pressuring him to marry her, because all her friends are getting married and they're 29 yrs old now. He said it's really been stressing him out. He then said I'm so happy when I'm with you. He said being w/ me feels so natural, so right, so incredible, so meant to be, that he knows it's me that he wants to be with. Then he says when he's with her, it's home. I then told him, if that's true, the GO HOME. He then said wrong choice of words, it's comfortable with her. I said, kinda like an old shoe. He said he wasn't wasting my time that we were both getting very attached to each other and he didn't see any turning back. I told him maybe he needed time to figure things out w/ her so he shouldn't see me for a couple of months, he said, I can't not see you for that long and I don't think you can either.

Well everytime I tried to walkaway and tell him I couldn't do it anymore, that I didn't like the deceiving and the lies and being the other woman that I needed and wanted more, I'd let him talk me out of it. I then found out he was still sleeping w/ her, which I told him grossed me out. I said, "you're still sleeping w/ her and she doesn't have a clue u've been seeing someone else for hte past 2 mo. you obviously have no intention of leaving her." He just looked down and didn't respond except to say that since he's met me, they've been getting along progressivley worse. I told him that I may have to resort to not returning his phone calls, becuase breaking up w/ him in person adn talking to him was too hard and I didn't want to hurt anymore. So I did the hardest thing I've ever done. I walked away from a bad situation for the first time in my life and I feel sick to my stomach. When I had left him that night, everything seemed fine between us, but when he called me a couple of days later, I didnt return his call. Usually he'd call me again if I didn't call him back right away, but this time, it's been 6 days and he hasn't tried calling me again. Part of me walked away hoping he'd make a decision and leave her and end up missing and wanting to be with me, and the other knew that I had to walk away just in case he didn't leave her. Now that I haven't heard from him, my friend Lucy (who has no clue anything went on between Rick and I) saw Rick and his gf at a party together Sat. nite. It killed me. I haven't heard from him in almost a week, I really thought he cared, I was hoping that leaving him would make him realize he'd miss me and I'm finding out he's still w/ her. I'm going to stay strong and keep walking away unless he loses the gf, because it's the right thing to do, but I really miss him so much. Does this mean his decision has already been made? That that's it? He's going to let me go and stay w/ the familiar because he hasn't called me in a week? And he's still w/ her? Is two months enough time for him to know if I'm the one? Would a decision to leave his gf if I was the one, already have been made? Is it different for different people? Could he still be deciding? I know he didn't just use me. I'm just hurting so much right now.
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Old 18th November 2002, 4:34 PM   #2
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Once a cheater

always a cheater. You did yourself a favor. Who wants to build a life w/ someone who lies and cheats on the person they are with. Would you like to be on recieving end of that in two years, or five or after you have a child together. Be greatful...start dating other people and leave him alone. Be kind to yourself and put him behind you. He is not a prize. Look for someone who will treat you w/ respect and love you! Good luck during this painful time, but it is much less pain than it could be.
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Old 18th November 2002, 5:18 PM   #3
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Re: Being the other woman saga

Wow, so many questions! But really only one answer...

Quote:
Originally posted by Grace
Does this mean his decision has already been made?
I think so.

Quote:
That that's it? He's going to let me go and stay w/ the familiar because he hasn't called me in a week? And he's still w/ her?
Sure looks that way. You called her familiar, not him. His word was home -- and your first reaction was probably the right one. He let you believe what you wanted to believe: that she was just routine and a habit for him but one that he was getting tired of. And really, there's nothing wrong with "familiar," especially if it's something that you like. I think you have to face the fact that he likes what he has with her. He liked what he had with you on the side, sure. And he was willing to do and say some things that let you believe that he was tired of her, that he wanted to be with you. But you asked the question: that's it? he's still with her? And the answer is: yes.

Quote:
Is two months enough time for him to know if I'm theone? Would a decision to leave his gf if I was the one, already have been made?
.

yes and yes.

Quote:
Is it different for different people? Could he still be deciding?
yeah, sure it's different for different people. Some people play games, even go so far as to delude themselves so that they won't have to feel guilty about what they're doing ("I don't know how it happened, there was just this chemistry, it overwhelmed us and before I knew it ..."), and other people play straight when they've made a commitment to someone else. Some people have consideration for another person's feelings and won't string them along when they know that they're not going to come through for them; other people do not have such consideration because it would be inconvenient or cut back on their fun.

Unfortunately you believed that he was really considering leaving his girlfriend. He never was. That's one big difference between the two of you; you took him seriously. Well, he might have been taking himself seriously too, to a certain point. But if it ever came down to actually taking steps to put his words into action (as it did when you issued your ultimatum) ... well... look what happened.

Quote:
I know he didn't just use me. I'm just hurting so much right now.
I'm sorry you're hurting. I disagree, I do think he used you. Perhaps not deliberately: some people are really good at convincing themselves that they're being genuine about whatever it is they're engaged in at the moment, because otherwise they'd have to admit that they shouldn't be doing it. I doubt he spotted you at the party and said, "aha, there's a ripe target!" I'll bet the chemistry between you was real. I'll bet he really did enjoy his time with you.

But it sounds like this is a guy who strays but is never going to break away from the relationship he's got. Some people like to build escapes into their relationships. My ex boyfriend liked to maintain numerous close friendships with female friends, sharing things with them that he didn't discuss with me. It doesn't always have to be physically cheating. It's about putting some distance between yourself and the object of your affection, so that you don't get overwhelmed, too caught up or too vulnerable to just one person. It's a way of withholding part of yourself. I would say that it sounds like you were an escape hatch for him. Perhaps one of many. Perhaps not. But I do think he was using you, whether or not he meant to.

I think your plan to not take his calls is a good one. He might call again in another week or two, or month or two, to see if you've calmed down and are ready to play by his rules again. And just to see if you're still in his orbit.

There's nothing in it for you. Really. At least it ended sooner rather than later. At least you stood your ground and kept your dignity. And at least you can learn some lessons from this and walk away stronger and better able to recognize a bullsh*t artist when you meet one.
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Old 18th November 2002, 9:24 PM   #4
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you are doing the right thing

people like to have their cake and eat it. it's best that you let the situation play out the way you are doing it. liars are liars. they don't change.

obviously things aren't so terrible between them if he's still with her. if he were miserable, he would have left her, especially once he started with you.

i've been deceived before like this and you learn your lessons quick.

i don't believe knowing someone in two months is sufficient to say that "they are the one". that's infatuation. if over time, the feeling don't go away, barring that he hasn't been a jerk, then it might be love. but, i still believe in being conservative with declarations of "marriage" until enough time has gone by to see how you get along, scheduling, chores, social activities, etc. just because you love someone, doesn't mean you can live peacefully together. i am not comfortable rushing into anything. i did that with the second marriage, not again.
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Old 19th November 2002, 12:25 AM   #5
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The guy's a player..wake up!

Don't even know where to start.

First of all, the reason he's not contacted you for the past week is simple..he's a player and he's likely moved onto someone else.

The guy's a d*ck. What a disgusting human being..for him to stay in a relationship with this g/f, yet go around telling people he's not happy with her/in it. He's dishonest on so many different counts. A real man would have broken up with her, if things were so bad...so THEN he could play the field.

It should have been a huge wake-up call to you, when he admitted that he had that "one date" with that gal he'd met in a bar (while with his current g/f).....with the BS story about him wondering if she was maybe 'the one.' That's a coward's way of justifying sneaking around on his partner.

Of course he said things with you were so much different than with his g/f of one year.......because with you, it was nothing but fun.....nothing invested, no commitments or expectations, no day to day life.

I wouldn't for a minute believe that things in his relationship are as bad as he makes them out to be...I say he just says all that, so that he can: a) solicit sympathy from guilible women....b) justify in his mind/the "other woman's mind" why his actions aren't "wrong....c) because he's a dog. Unless she's putting a gun to his head and forcing him to stay, he's staying with her because he wants to, bottom line. And of course he's sleeping with her. For all she knows, they probably have a great relationship (little does she know).

You need to gather up some self respect and dignity....and put this behind you. What would you want to do with a guy who's cheated on his girlfriend twice that you're aware of? You think he wouldn't do that to you? Of course he would. It's just the way he is. He's likely been this way from the time he was a teenager.

Out of respect for his poor ?unsuspecting girlfriend, let this go...and thank your lucky stars that you're not in her shoes.
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Old 19th November 2002, 11:57 AM   #6
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Unless you crave pain and dysfunction, get out. I promise you it can only hurt worse. Guys say and do a lot of stupid ****.

My ex bf got some girl he cheated on me with pregnant, and then told me that yeah he may have told her that he loved her, wanted to marry her, wanted to have kids with her, but he came home to me, and would shut her out for me. Like that was somehow supposed to make me feel better.

I'm telling you, I promise you, if you think you are hurting now, you just don't know.
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UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better. It's not.

"The Lorax" Dr. Seuss
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Old 19th November 2002, 3:56 PM   #7
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You did good

walking away from that relationship, painful as it might be. He's already chased after another woman while he was with his girlfriend, with that stupid line about her maybe being the one, and he'll keep doing it again and again. You sound like you are missing him and would go back to him in a second if he and his girlfriend broke up. I have a word of advice for you, if that happens, DON'T! Consider yourself fortunate that you avoided what his poor girlfriend is going to have to go through when she finds out what he's doing. You have a chance to find someone else, who is unattached, and isn't cheating. Give yourself time, there are plenty of guys out there who have much more to offer than this loser.
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Old 11th August 2003, 8:19 PM   #8
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Kinda the same situation here...

I am in your exact position except that he's married and he lied to me about it. He said he had been divorced 3 yrs and his wife lived out of state with their two sons. He's 7 yrs older than I and very distinguished. He has a lot confidence and there's an air of authority around him when he enters a room. He's very sexy and handsome. He spent money on me, whatever I wanted. He brought me gifts and wrote me emails saying how beautiful I was and how I was the perfect girl. He took me to the movies, we went out for nice dinners and went clubbing several times. It was a great time, always. I would get so excited and nervous at the same time. I couldn't wait to be with him. We went out about a month and he told me he loved me. Things just didn't add up, I asked when he was going to cook me dinner at his place. His reply was 'why would he cook me dinner when he could take me out and buy me a great meal?' The point was, he had been over to my place several times, and I had never been to his. The next time we got together, I pointed out that I was interested in seeing his place, not his culinary skills. That is when I found out he lived with his "Aunt". Well, things went down hill from there and I just said, 'look I just get this feeling about you being married, and I wanted to talk to you about it'. He says, 'sure, we can talk about it Friday'. WHAT??? No...'Oh, girl...you're being silly, I'm not married, if you wanted to see my place, let's go'. So I point blank asked him. "I'm attached", he says. Well, after weeks of him calling me and trying to charm me back, I sent him an email and let him know that he was not the man I thought he was. Basically I said that due to his lack of character, the only way he can get a woman into his bed is to "trick" her. That was 4 days ago and I've not heard from him since. Yeah for me, right??
Well it hurts and it sucks really bad and I wonder if I'll ever heal from this. He played me like a fiddle, what an *******! ...But let me tell you, I still dream about him.
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Old 15th July 2004, 1:40 AM   #9
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I was in a situation similar to yours, except my guy was married and I knew it all along. The best thing to do is walk away as much as it hurts. Trust me I know. Me and this guy were together for almost 2 years and I'll admit I was in love with him, and I'm still so much in love with him,but he's married. And even though he told me he was in love with me and how he was gonna leave his wife, he never really did. Yeah he left for a few months and weeks at a time when we were together but it never made that full transition to him leaving and divorcing his wife for me. So I had to walk away. Actions speak louder than words. Right now you're just going thru a withdrawal period but trust me it will go away. You will think about him less and less. Besides you deserve someone who will be with you and only you, thru thick and thin and have your back and not have to worry about whether or not when ya'll not together if he's seeing someone else.


Hope that Helps
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