smile711 Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 So I have been mostly NC with xMM for 4 and a half months since he packed up and moved out and went back to his W. I say mostly NC because I would occasionally (maybe once a month?) see him in a work situation, but all I ever did was nod and smile...until today. I don't know what came over me. I called him at work and told him that I wanted him to know that though I would never forget what he did, I have forgiven him because I don't want to live in anger anymore. He thanked me and said that he had reasons for what he did, that I don't know the whole story, but someday maybe he'll get a chance to tell me the whole story . I said no thanks! He also said that he heard that I have been dragging his name through the mud(!) and he was upset because he has "been taking the high road". I informed him that anything I have told anyone about the situation has been 100% the truth and I reminded him that I made this very easy on him...I could have called and gotten him fired for having an A with one of his employees for 2 years...I could have written or emailed his wife and told her everything (there's no way he has)...I could have gone crazy b*tch and slashed tires! I DIDN'T! And I ended by saying that if he feels his name is being dragged through the mud, it's the least he deserves for what he did. He told me he wants the best for me and he prays for me every day. So once I get off the phone, I'm crying of course! Worrying about what the whole story is behind why he left...if I did something to prompt it. Worrying about if I might have hurt him by telling people the truth-ridiculous, I know, but that's how my warped mind works! It was a step back...I know it. Please give me any thoughts or advice you have...and before anyone says it-I KNOW IT WAS A DUMB MOVE! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 Kind of sounds as if you are kicking your own butt hard enough for the both of us . So, I'm just gonna suggest to go back to 'Forgiveness 101', and hopefully that'll help to return you to feelings of peace and calm. Hugs and best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 You know it was a dumb move, huh.....? Oh, right. You said that. OK. Having gotten that off your chest, is there anything else you think you might want to tell him? Because that's what will tempt you to call him again another time. So find a good friend who is sympathetic to your situation, sit them down, "picture" him sitting there, vent away, then put it down for good. Link to post Share on other sites
LavendarGirl Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 He thinks he's taking the high road? Yeouch. Unkind of him to be so harsh on you. Can I skip you and kick his butt instead? Seriously, sorry he treated you this way, NC is definitely the way to go with him it sounds like. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 He told me he wants the best for me and he prays for me every day. If he wanted what was best for you than he would not have cheated on his wife with you and then ended the A. So, IMO the above is a line of bs!!. This xmm really should be praying for himself. You made a mistake in contacting him but your only human. Simply go back to NC and stick with it. This xmm sounds like a real Jerk your better off. Best wishes. Mea:) Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Honestly, He's still being an a**. The one who messed up here is him. If he wanted a D, he would have got one. He's blame-shifting here. Like if you hadn't actually told the TRUTH he'd have left, again. In most cases, and this is one those, an X is an X for a reason. Don't contact him. He's not worthy of you. He's just a cheater. And it doesn't sound as if he'll see the light any time soon. Focus on you. Your recovery, your feeling better. Forget about him. If anyone should be seeking forgiveness, it should be him. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 I think MM's expect OW's to slink off into the shadows when he is finished with her. Oh & to protect him at all costs, of course. I also wonder if he doesn't consider OW as slimey as himself, as she was his 'partner in crime' & 'helped' him to cheat. He conveniently forgets the pretty lies & grooming that it took to snag OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile711 Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 I am so furious that I did what I did and contacted him! It left me in such a mess-I had my first panic attack in months and it was awful. I think maybe I was craving contact with him because Christmas is almost here and I remember all the promises he had made to me about spending a Christmas together this year. And he hasn't changed...there was still a manipulative, selfish side to everything he said, from wanting to sit down and discuss things with me eventually to being upset with ME for telling people the truth. I called to give forgiveness and I ended up feeling like I had done something wrong to him...it's like our relationship all over again! And while he might not be cheating on his W RIGHT THIS SECOND, I have no doubt that he has not changed and once he is given a chance he will do it over again (I think that would be A number 12 or 13 over the course of his marriage). What it boils down to is that I am scared to death of being alone for the rest of my life. I know I'm only 28 and I know that he was not healthy for me but sometimes the devil that's known is easier to handle than the devil that's unknown...... Link to post Share on other sites
mytruelove Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 please don't beat yourself up too much. it really sounds like you were doing what you thought you needed to do for yourself in order to achieve forgiveness. i've been there and done the same thing. i'm just hoping that somehow someway once the raw emotion of this interaction wears off that hopefully you can find some closure or peace in coming to terms with the situation. the positive is that you are seeking healthy things for yourself. you had your thoughts about this man confirmed and you now know that he has not changed. he still is selfish, still most likely serial cheater, still not able to own any part of your affair. basically, put in a nutshell, -0- character. and as far as knowing the rest of the story, like i just told someone else, you probably will never know that because he will not share it ( at least the TRUTH of it as he is not capable) and maybe just maybe it is better that you DON'T know the rest of the story. the less you know the better i think. frustrating as all heck, but better. oh and....THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE (((HUGS))) and your alloted time to be hard on yourself and beat yourself up is over - now time to dust yourself off and proceed forward. at 28 you most definitely will not be alone and you will find someone just wonderful for you. heck, there are soo many ways to meet people these days and someone will really appreciate the strong healthy woman you will become having endured and learned from this experience. (((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 I know I'm only 28 and I know that he was not healthy for me but sometimes the devil that's known is easier to handle than the devil that's unknown...... Read what you wrote 100 times. And after each time, ask yourself WHY you would settle for such a piece of sh*t. You are young, and when the timing is right and you're ready, someone special WILL walk into your life. EVERYONE thinks they won't ever meet anyone else again after a break-up, reguardless if you're in an affair or not. Just go read other sections on LS.. Don't cling to this one..Let him go. Once you walk away completely and close yourself off from him, yeah you'll feel pain and be hurt, but it is final and your healing can take place. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 ... So once I get off the phone, I'm crying of course! Worrying about what the whole story is behind why he left...if I did something to prompt it. Worrying about if I might have hurt him by telling people the truth... smile, I hope you don't mind my saying but he sounds like a right pig who knows how to push your buttons alright. Don't feel bad, you only called him . And so what if you've told a few people what he's done? I expect he thought you'd keep his dirty secret so he could go doing it again. Ha. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Smiles if your major reason for leaving the door open with this .... person (there are no words to describe him and those I am thinking of arent nice) is that at 28 you are afraid of growing old alone... What are you thinking? Do you realize the average life expectancey for women is in their 70s-80s? Thats a long time. And you dont think you can do better than THIS? Even if you never set the bar higher than another married man, you can certainly do better than this one. And I would encourage you to set it far higher than that Link to post Share on other sites
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