The fun manipulation

[mistresswchildren]

Hey everyone. It feels like I have been gone forever, but I just figured it was time for an update. The baby's insurance is finally taken care of. I had to call him today because of an issue with the prescription insurance. I called because I expected him to let it go to voice mail, and this time, he didn't.

 

I was shocked. I wasn't even sure what to say. I told him the problem with the insurance. He came up with a reason for it. Then we talked about whether or not he wanted visitation. I told him that we need to sit down with his wife and discuss how we want to go about visitation. I made it all about the kids. Then, he started in on "us." For the first time ever, I refused to talk about "us." I told him that I was not ready for that conversation, and that there really wasn't much to talk about any longer. He tried to tell me that I was wrong, and he almost had the words, "I still love you," out of his mouth, but again I stopped him. I told him that we both needed to be able to talk as parents. That was as far as our conversation was going to go. He wasn't happy about that, but I finally feel like I had the high ground this time.

 

I was the one that refused to make this about us. I was the one that refused to let him manipulate me any longer. It felt good. I just have to have daily reminders for myself. If I have to talk to him again, I have to remember that he is not allowed to manipulate me. If I can do that, then I can eventually stop feeling for him. I need to let go of it all, and I really think that this was a great step forward. Any feedback would be great. Love you all!!!!!!!

[LakesideDream]

Congrats MistressWithChillins... You may now sit at the "big girl table" !

[jj33]

Congratulations. You should be so proud of yourself. We are all proud of you.

 

Keep up the good work and congrats on the insurance.

[NoIDidn't]

Keep up the good work.

 

He's only trying to manipulate his way back into your pants or possibly into doing less for the kids - with you accepting it.

 

So, good for you for resisting his trash talk.

[Reggie]

Good that you are out and looking out for the baby. My only suggestion is that you not insist his wife be part of the visitaion arrangement discussion. Give her the option, but don't require it. It might be painful for her.

[NoIDidn't]

Good that you are out and looking out for the baby. My only suggestion is that you not insist his wife be part of the visitaion arrangement discussion. Give her the option, but don't require it. It might be painful for her.

 

 

Respectfully disagree. It might be painful but it reassures the W that the affair has not resumed. It gives MWC the chance to speak one on one with his W about things that only mothers do for the kids - because, face it, the children are more likely to be cared for by xMM W than by xMM. And it helps the women build a repoire and trust - given the circumstances - with each other.

[GPFan]

Great job MwC!

[mistresswchildren]

Respectfully disagree. It might be painful but it reassures the W that the affair has not resumed. It gives MWC the chance to speak one on one with his W about things that only mothers do for the kids - because' date=' face it, the children are more likely to be cared for by xMM W than by xMM. And it helps the women build a repoire and trust - given the circumstances - with each other.[/quote']

 

This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. The more that she is involved, the more I can trust her with my children. The more she is involved the more both her husband and herself are aware that this is not about continuing the affair. Do not get me wrong, it unsettles me to think of her being there, but this is what adults do. We need to come to some sort of civil agreement. We cannot continue to ignore the fact that the other exists. This way, he realizes that none of this is about the two of us. It is honestly about the children, and I have to accept the fact that she may be a part of my children's lives. We shall see what happens next. I will keep you all updated.

[DealingWDrama]

I have to say you are so responsible! I am loving it. You are absolutely right...if a W stays in a marriage after an A and with children envolved, she and the OW need to get together with the H to discuss everything regarding the children, visitation, child support, insurance, ect. A's a syptoms of problems in the marriage, children are products of As. You are being so terrific and fantastic about it all. I hope that his W and you are able to have a maternal relationship together...I would HAVE to know a woman before I would allow my kid to be with her - proud, proud, proud, proud of you!!!!

[Reggie]

Well, if she agrees, okay. But , you guys have put her through a lot already. Is she agreeable to participating? If not, what do you do? I just think it would be hell for her , but, maybe not.

[jj33]

Reggie it may be difficult but bad things happen to good people and then they have to deal with it.If her husband wants visitation rights she is part of the package. If he never sees the child then that is another story. MWC is being very responsible wanting to know who her child will be spending time with. How could MWC say oh I will send my child to their house even if hte W is seething with hurt and rage over the fact that my child exists?

 

She couldnt. Its not all about the BS especially in this situation.

[child_of_isis]

I wouldn't even bring up visitation. I would let them both fade away.

 

Next time, try calling the insurance company when you have a problem w/the insurance.

[mistresswchildren]

I wouldn't even bring up visitation. I would let them both fade away.

 

Next time, try calling the insurance company when you have a problem w/the insurance.

 

Novel idea, but I can't. They will not give me any information because I am not the policy holder. As far as visitation goes, if he wants it, I want him to have it. I have had quite a bit of time to think about all of this, and I want what is best for my children. I think about major events in my children's lives, and I know that they will always be thinking, "I wish my Dad were here." Now, if he messes up, then it will be over. I gave him the option of calling them. I will answer, of course, but I will then hand the phone over to my son. He can talk enough to have a conversation with his father. If he calls, then we will work on visitation, but if not, forget it. I just don't want my children to feel that I took their father from them. That is something I will never do. It is time for me to put my big girl panties on and take care of business. I am giving him an option. If he doesn't seize it, then that is his problem not mine.

[Reggie]

Sorry, I don't know your story. Do you have other kids, besides the baby with this married man? If so, how'd you handle this in the past.

The reason I ask is that you use the words "they" and "their" in referencing the relationship with the MM.

[OWoman]

Sorry, I don't know your story. Do you have other kids, besides the baby with this married man? If so, how'd you handle this in the past.

The reason I ask is that you use the words "they" and "their" in referencing the relationship with the MM.

 

The MM is the father of both kids.

 

MWC, well done! You seem to be handling things really well. I agree that the BS in your situation should be party to discussions about visitation - if only because she's likely to be the only responsible adult around if your kids do stay there, given your MM's track record. She needs to be cool with it and needs to be willing to take on that role if it's to fly, and you and she need to have a cordial working relationship around the kids if so. Once they're older, things may change but for now when they're so small, you need to be sure you're doing the right thing as their parent by letting them out of your care - so you need to have all players on board for that.

 

You go, girl!

[mistresswchildren]

Sorry, I don't know your story. Do you have other kids, besides the baby with this married man? If so, how'd you handle this in the past.

The reason I ask is that you use the words "they" and "their" in referencing the relationship with the MM.

 

Both of my children are the MMs. We never "handled" this in the past because we were still "together," hence the arrival of a second child. He has never dealt with visitation to date because once our relationship ended he was in Iraq. I will admit that he hasn't had much to do with them, but I'm not sure why. That is something you would have to ask him. Maybe, in all reality he doesn't care, but I am not willing to allow my children to go without a father if he does indeed care about them. We shall see. I have no idea what is going to happen now, but I have now placed the control in my own hands. I do not have to worry about him trying to get custody years from now. I am offering visitation up front, and that gives me the power. Years from now, if he were to try for visitation, the courts will see that I made every effort to allow it. When they get older (4 or 5), it may be too confusing for them, so I am allowing it now. I will not be okay with visitation if he asks for it when they are old enough to understand that he wasn't around. I want him to be around now, not later after the children have started accepting their life without him.

[signedin2008]

Mistresswchildren, I am glad you're doing better now emtionally and hopefully talking to him hasn't set you back in your personal recovery.

[mistresswchildren]

Mistresswchildren, I am glad you're doing better now emtionally and hopefully talking to him hasn't set you back in your personal recovery.

 

I won't lie, talking to him brought up a lot of emotions that I am not quite ready to deal with, but the most important part is that I didn't allow him to know that. He doesn't know that I still care about him. He doesn't know that my heart still hurts a little every day. He never will.

 

So, surprise of all surprise, he hasn't called since. He told me that he realized he needed to call to talk to his son (our daughter cannot really talk yet). He knows (or said he did) that both of the children need to at least have an idea of who he is. Now, he hasn't called. I will admit that visitation is contingent on his ability to take part in their lives. All he has to do is pick up the phone. I will answer and hand the phone over to our son. That is the most contact he and I need to have. He realizes all of this. I have made all of this very simple for him, and yet he has not been able to do anything to try to contact the two of them. Maybe, he really is just that bad of a person. Maybe, he really doesn't care about them, but says he does because that is the "human" response to this situation. I have no idea. It is quite possible that his heart doesn't feel for these babies. I have to get the idea out of my head that there is a little bit of good in all of us. In reality, there are some people that are just not redeemable.

[Owl]

Here's what I don't get, MWC.

 

WHY do these poor children have to have anything to do with him at all????

 

Why not find them a REAL 'daddy'...one who WANTS to be there, one who can actually love and care for them?

 

He doesn't. He doesn't want to. Forcing him to be a part of their lives is more likely to make him a HORRIBLE influence in their lives.

 

Why not wait, see who you find in your life within the next few years...and give THEM the opportunity to be the REAL influence in the kid's lives...someone you can CHOOSE to be a "daddy", instead of someone who just wanted a good time and abandoned you when things got rough?

 

He's no kind of man...and therefore, I can't imagine him being any kind of "parent". And I stand fast in my opinion that just because he had sex with you, it doesn't give him a "right" to try to be a daddy.

 

He doesn't act like he wants to be there for them...so he's going to do a lousy, half-a$$ed job of it at best.

 

Is that REALLY who you want as their "daddy"?

 

I think they'd be better off WITHOUT a 'dad' in their lives than with this kind of pond scum.

[You'reasian]

Agreed with all the above.

 

Your man should enjoy spending time with your son, like taking him out to the pool and splashing around with him, swimming with him on his back and just being there for him.

 

He should also partake in the childs academic needs - assisting you when possible, since the boy probably has a great deal of homework.

 

Most of all, its just good for him to be there for your son, whenever possible - I'm sure there's a man out there that does these kinds of things?

[mistresswchildren]

Here's what I don't get, MWC.

 

WHY do these poor children have to have anything to do with him at all????

 

Why not find them a REAL 'daddy'...one who WANTS to be there, one who can actually love and care for them?

 

He doesn't. He doesn't want to. Forcing him to be a part of their lives is more likely to make him a HORRIBLE influence in their lives.

 

Why not wait, see who you find in your life within the next few years...and give THEM the opportunity to be the REAL influence in the kid's lives...someone you can CHOOSE to be a "daddy", instead of someone who just wanted a good time and abandoned you when things got rough?

 

He's no kind of man...and therefore, I can't imagine him being any kind of "parent". And I stand fast in my opinion that just because he had sex with you, it doesn't give him a "right" to try to be a daddy.

 

He doesn't act like he wants to be there for them...so he's going to do a lousy, half-a$$ed job of it at best.

 

Is that REALLY who you want as their "daddy"?

 

I think they'd be better off WITHOUT a 'dad' in their lives than with this kind of pond scum.

 

While I understand what you are trying to say Owl, I still feel that someone that wants to be there should have that opportunity. Right now, he is not showing that he does, and in that case, you are right! I agree that they would be better off without a father if he honestly doesn't want to be part of their lives. I entirely agree with you on that. I think that guilt has been eating at me a little in all of this. I look at my children and see so many great things about them, and I want to provide everything that I can for them. That includes their father. I know that life will never be easy for them because their father is gone. I blame that on myself. This is not a pity party, it is just a fact. I chose the wrong person for myself, and because of that I chose the wrong person for them. I just keep trying to believe that if there is any shred of decency in this guy that these kids deserve to have some of that decency in their life. Right now my thoughts are fairly contradictory. My heart tells me that my children need their father. My head tells me that there is no way that he can provide that. My heart tells me that my kids will want him in their lives. My head tells me that he doesn't deserve them.

 

As far as finding a "real" daddy goes, it is not as easy as you might think. Men are often not up for taking on two children. By the time I might even possibly find a guy that would want a relationship with me and my children, the kids will most likely be ten or twelve. The kind of bonding that a man does within the early years of a child's life is what will help shape them, not what some "step-dad" does later in their lives to try to make up for a guy that has been gone for so long. Also, I'm not all that keen on having anyone else interrupt our lives. There is so much jealousy between children and a new man. There is so much resentment (trust me, this I know from life experience). I cannot let someone else come into our lives and think that they can treat my children as if they raised them from birth. I did that on my own. No one else. I know that any man would want some sort of control over parts of disciplining and raising my kids. I don't think I can handle that. Right now, I know that right or wrong, I am the one that is making choices that will shape these kids. What if things didn't work out between me and a new guy? He would have already started "intruding" into their little lives. I cannot have that. It may not make much sense to you, but in my mind I don't have many options for father figures in their life. The only one that has any official legal rights is their biological father. This is why I keep hoping that he will realize that these children are more important than anything else (and no I am not trying to have them compete with his marriage, I am trying to have them reach equality with that marriage).

[81West]

MWC, this man will break their hearts a thousand times if you let him. You know everything you need to know right now. Someday you will want every precious second that you pointlessly agonized over this deadbeat back. None of this is likely to matter one bit in the future because there is little reason to imagine things will ever be substantially different than they are now.

 

You've done all you can for your children with this guy. It's time to focus only on yourself as a woman and a mother so that when the opportunity for you to be part of a 'complete' family comes along you'll have a strong and healthy place for that to take root and grow, if that is your long term goal. You're already behind, so hurry up.

[Owl]

Men are often not up for taking on two children.

 

I was. I did. About 20 years ago. I raised them as my own. They're MY kids...their 'bio dad' tried to get into their lives out of the blue when they were about 8...and I got on the phone and told him point blank that he gave up the right to be 'daddy' when he abandoned them and their mom when they were 3 months old. He's not been back in the picture since.

 

They NEVER resented me. They were little when I met her.

 

We have two more 'of my own' born since...but it NEVER made any kind of difference at all, whatsoever. There's NEVER been any distinction made...of any kind at all. In my heart...my oldest two are just that...they're my oldest kids.

 

I think you're doing yourself and your kids a disservice by counting you and your kids out of the picture already when it comes to possibly meeting someone.

 

Now...when they're OLDER...yes, you could well have some issues with trying to introduce a man then. But your oldest is 4, right? You've got a few years yet before that becomes insurmountable.

 

From all that you've documented here, MM has made every indication that he does NOT want the job of being their daddy. You say he deserves the chance to be one IF HE WANTS TO...he's already shown you that this isn't the case, right?

 

I'm not trying to be harsh...but there's something about this whole situation that strikes a chord with me.

 

You don't sound like you're in danger of losing your kids because they're not taken care of. Don't RUSH into whatever is coming in your lives...take the time now to enjoy what you've got. If a 'daddy' comes along...great!!! If not...you CAN raise healthy kids all on your own, as long as YOU are a healthy, well balanced mom.

 

THAT is what they need far more than some deadbeat who's only claim on their lives was a desire to get it on with someone other than his wife.

[OWoman]

I'm going to do the unthinkable and agree with Owl on this one, MwC! I found, as a single parent of small children back then, that that if anything was a magnet to wannabe daddies! It brought out the broodiness in seemingly normal guys, who wanted nothing more than to tuck in little bodies and read bedtime stories and sing nursery rhymes... There are plenty of guys out there who'd leap at the chance if you let them - and some of those guys might be worth considering in other ways, too...

 

But aside from all that - you're doing great on your own as a parent, you don't NEED someone else to augment that. If you find someone who fits your spec, and who you'd CHOOSE to share that role with - then go for it. But to assume a vacancy exists and to fill it with the first possible candidate does yourself and your kids a disservice!

[Owl]

I'm going to do the unthinkable and agree with Owl on this one, MwC!

 

Are pigs flying? Did the rooster just crow at midnight? Has the world suddenly started turning the other way????