Watching How he's Treating his Wife.

[wildsoul]

After breaking up with my guy (of 6mos) last Saturday, I'm going through the tumultious process of sorting things out. Still in withdrawals. Feel like hell.

 

I'm noticing that some bits of denial are lifting off in sheets. Some of the slippery things he's done are coming to mind. More and more, I'm thinking about his wife and how he's got her enabled as a codependant. Ugh.

 

For example, after I broke up with him on Saturday (it wasn't a NC kind of break up yet) he IM'd me that evening. He was furious. Said not to call his cell phone. He had it disconnected. I asked if it was because he was mad at me. He said no. I asked why? "No comment" then he continued to rant about how he was so boxed in at home by his wife.

 

So putting 2 and 2 together, I think his wife found out about his secret extra cell phone and made him disconnect it. He wouldn't admit that though.

 

Yesterday, he emailed me with a new cell phone number. I noticed it had an area code not in his city, btw.

 

So basically, it seems that she made him ditch the phone, and he begrudingly agreed to be a "good boy," then the next chance he got, he started up a new phone at a store not close to home. Seems like a real f*ck you, you can't control me kind of maneuver.

 

I don't have any facts, but the story I'm presuming makes sense. If he had shut the phone off for some other reason, like a phone company problem, surely he would have vented about it. Instead he was hiding the reason. And since he gave me the number, I know it wasn't an attempt at NC with me.

 

Here's the bit about denial shaking loose for me:

 

1. I was not-so-secretly hoping that my breaking up with him would get him to clean up his situation at home, but this shows (clearly) that he's just going to continue to lie and act out.

 

2. Since we are on a break, or break up, then why does he need another secret phone, unless he's going to cheat with other women?

 

3. He could have used the phone incident to admit he's been having an affair and use it as a chance to launch their separation. Instead, he probably made some empty never-gonna-do-it-again promise.

 

4. If I was in her shoes, I'd want him to either stay or leave, and be insanely mad if I found out he just opened up another account.

 

The thing is, I'm not her. And she has more invested and maybe she's an even worse codependant. Who knows. But what's different in me, is I'm keenly watching how he's treating her. I would lose my mind if I was the recipient of what she's getting.

 

Previously, he led me to believe that his separation was imminent. I didn't want to be hurting another women. But (of course) he made it seem like she and him were truly in separation mode. (He had even rented out a room in a different town.) But now I'm watching even more closely, and don't like what I see.

 

I was still holding a torch for that mythical "someday" when he's free. He made it seem that he wasn't a cheater, and that it was just a case of him meeting his "soul mate" (as he calls me) at the wrong time. But it sure as hell looks like he's planning on STILL being a cheater. Ugh.

 

Anyone else go through this phase of scrutinizing how your MM/W treats their spouse?

[Tomcat33]

Just read your post Wildsoul and I think you have come to some pretty crude realizations, I would agree with a fair bit of it and I am glad you are seeing it for what it is.

 

In terms of trying to figure out what the dynamic is with his W what she will and will not tolerate I would strongly recommend you don't even bother, it will drive you insane trying to figure out how and why. Speaking from experience I dealt with a man that also went back to his wife to "work through things" and in a few weeks time he was right back at it again, changing emails using calling cards to call me sneaking around etc. This went on for the course of an entire year practically only to have him show up in my life again to tell me he was divorcing, and he did. But the fact still remains he handled things poorly and the lying towards his W never stopped. When you step away from your own situation and are able to see things more clearly you tend to look at the person you were once so head over heels in love with, with more critical eyes.

 

Because he came back into my life I was privied to a discussion and I asked many questions. I was able to discuss all these notions with him openly, for example how did he manage to keep the sneaking around and why was she not all over him to see what his moves would be. Sometimes this would cause fights as he would see it as me accusing him of his wrong doings and other times he would comply. At the end of the day I decide what was what given his reactions. He feels guilty for what he did but he still did it that can't go unnoticed in my eyes anymore.

 

They took a trip together to the orient as a last "fixer upper" trip courtesy of what their marriage counsellor suggested and I still have the emails and phone messages to prove that he was contacting me while he was supposed to be tending to his W on this trip. Of course I didn't know he was on this trip I thought he was here at home working out the seperation details. But I have a way to see where emails are sent from and I tracked every single one of his emails down to the internet provider that was used to send me the emails, so I know exactly where he was and in what part of the world. He did not lie to me about this but at the time I had no clue he was away. And I have no problem with that since we were no longer together but it is just more facts to substantiate the level of deceit he continually put his spouse through.

 

His response is that she was on to him quite a bit during the first few months and then as time passed things went back to how they were before, I am sure he lied through his teeth to make her thing the coast was clear and she was off trusting him and doing her thing and he was free once again to manipulate and sneak around.

 

Really there is no accounting for the kinds of things a spouse who is willing to grasp on to the last legs of a marriage overlooking all kinds of obvious signs that there is still plenty extremely wrong with the picture, will endure. To try to comprehend that looking from the outside in is really impossible not to mention there is a great deal of deceit that has to happen from the cheater in order to sustain that level of secrecy AFTER the affair is found out.

 

I knew myself for me, and what I think I would do in certain situations but clearly she and I are two very different people and perhaps while she was trying to hang on to him at any cost, I on the other hand am much more critical of what I would want and expect for myself. I assume you would be too given what you are realizing here, so sometimes you just need to remind yourself that people end up in the predicaments they do because they really have no control over themselves, let alone another human being. Everyone is suceptible to fall victim to abuse or deceit at one point or another but you either overcome that and improve or become a victim again, it does take a certain level of awareness NOT to fall back into the same predicament again.

 

Who knows.....?

[NoIDidn't]

I scrutinize the way people treat another without their knowledge regardless of who it is. That way I can weed out the dishonest from the honest in all my dealings, personal and otherwise.

 

He is doing this because he believes that he can get away with it, is really all it is. That and the "you can't control me" sickening bit.

 

I think its good you are looking at it in this way. I hope you don't make the mistake that a lot of OPs make by saying its better that they are doing it to someone else than to you. It shouldn't make you feel better to see how another can deceive others close to them in any capacity.

[Angel1111]

I never understand why these people don't just get the hell out of those situations. He feels 'boxed in' but remains where he is, but tries to fly under the radar even more. Unbelievable.

 

I think your observations are right on because he had the window of opportunity to get out and he didn't. And now he's whining to you about how restricted he feels. That almost funny.

 

I dated a guy once and we broke up because he thought I didn't love him the way he loved me. I had asked for 2 Sundays a month to myself because I was feeling really overwhelmed by my ever-persistent divorce. So, because I needed 2 days a month of 'space', I didn't love him. Right. Anyway, after about 3 mos, he wanted to get back together and we started dating again.

 

But during the time we had been apart, he dated the office party girl and she didn't take kindly to being dumped, so she stalked him, harassed him, called him constantly, you name it. After hearing about this for a few weeks, I was getting pretty bored with it. Then came the final blow when she told him she was was pregnant. Only it wasn't a normal pregnancy because she had her tubes tied and that would mean it was a tubal pregnancy which could kill her. Yes, the drama of it all. Boyfriend was in shock and then I asked him if he saw the medical records that proved this ridiculous story. He hadn't thought to ask. When he did, she suddenly became unpregnant. (And who says you can't unscrew a pregnancy?)

 

Things weren't going well for us, then his father died. While he was away at the funeral, he talked to me over the phone and mentioned that psycho girl had sent flowers. At first, I just thought she was an idiot. And then I wondered how the heck she got the address of this out of town funeral. Long story short, it didn't matter to me if he was enjoying and encouraging the games this girl played with him but what did matter was that he didn't have the smarts to make this girl stop bugging him and I lost all respect for him.

 

Kinda the same with you xMM, at some point you're just going to lose all respect for him because he can't even take control of his own life. And somewhere in there, he actually believes you'll feel sorry for him.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Actually she got your so called man by his testicles. This is why he was mad. This is why he has to hid. His wife is the one with the swinger. If it were not so, he would of divorced her. And it is not codependance when one stands up for the vows they have made. And they show even greater courage than those who really think being the other person makes them anything special. If you really want to know a secret, those who stay together tend to turn the other person into a joke.

 

So, yes you are different than her. If you want to accept it or not... The wife is not a playtoy or convince from the world. They are the one's who can ruin the husband, not the other person. The other person is just a catalyst for an action to be taken. Don't get me wrong, there are those weak willed men and women who think they can't live without their spouse... But this is not the case in this instance.

 

Now on the side of the married man (or woman in other cases)... He has you wrapped around his finger and letting you think you are free. He knows you will be there because you think he is a good man because he is willing to share himself and his wife, and possibly others with you. This is exactly the mentality these people look for. Those who have no courage to find a person on their own. And those who will gladly engage in betrayal that goes beyond than just the two of you cheating on his wife. That adulterer and adulteress is looking for that person who will betray themselves and the values of what is right and wrong. They use love as their weapon. And only the blind believe what they are doing is right and that they are above that married person.

 

A woman once thought I would play the role of prey. She was wrong and she got angry when I showed her my will be hers. That I was more than my emotions. That my self-respect and respect of others forbid me from acting like so many other foolish people. She was the one who became trapped. And for a time I played the role of a confidant, but she never came back to my bed. This is what truly shows if you are different and above someone.

 

 

DNR

[Dark-N-Romantic]

If he is willing to cheat on his wife... He has shown you his character and he is not treating his wife well. And he is treating you worst because he knows you are willing to put up with it or have no moral character to tell him no.

 

 

DNR

[beautifullove]

It occurred to me that in my relationship he was in the process of seperation as opposed to actually being seperated. Whereas in the beginning, he was very clear about being seperated. I think the best thing the OW can do, not matter how hard, is wait for those papers. If NC won't work for you, work toward minimizing contact until you feel strong enough to do a disappearing act. Being married can cause many women to turn a blind eye. I think age also has alot to do with it - the idea of being lonely after a certain age I guess isn't appealing.

[Tomcat33]

I never understand why these people don't just get the hell out of those situations. He feels 'boxed in' but remains where he is, but tries to fly under the radar even more. Unbelievable.

 

 

 

Because they are codependent, two people symbiotically sucking the blood out of each other to coexist. You'd be surprised how many people out there exist in this twisted realm.

[bentnotbroken]

She certainly doesn't know he has another phone, and he has no intention of changing his life. He is a user, manipulator, and general pile of steaming crap. And you want him? Why?

[NoIDidn't]

Because they are codependent, two people symbiotically sucking the blood out of each other to coexist. You'd be surprised how many people out there exist in this twisted realm.

 

 

Yeah, and how they always seem to find others to continue it on another level.

 

One doesn't try to make sense of codependent behavior unless they themselves lean that way.

 

Is there a cure?

[Lyssa]

Nope - I didn't get to watch how he treated her. From what I know and have seen, he treats women with respect. He didn't lead me on nor string me along.

 

I don't think I can take it if I knew he treated his xW like crap. From what she emailed me, she was the one that mistreated him.

[Tomcat33]

Yeah, and how they always seem to find others to continue it on another level.

 

One doesn't try to make sense of codependent behavior unless they themselves lean that way.

 

Is there a cure?

 

Sorry I didn't understand that can you please explain?

 

 

Nope - I didn't get to watch how he treated her. From what I know and have seen, he treats women with respect. He didn't lead me on nor string me along.

 

I don't think I can take it if I knew he treated his xW like crap. From what she emailed me, she was the one that mistreated him.

 

 

Hi Lion Cubby!

 

Yeah the odd thing is my ex didn't disrespect his exW to his face he did it behind her back. I'm not sure what's worse?

What did you mean what she emailed you?

[NoIDidn't]

Sorry I didn't understand that can you please explain?

 

Codependency is like a magnet that draws other codependents.

 

The OP doesn't sound like one because she got out of that mess. But some will constantly ask "what does it mean?".

 

Sorry if I wasn't clear before.

[Lyssa]

Hi Lion Cubby!

 

Yeah the odd thing is my ex didn't disrespect his exW to his face he did it behind her back. I'm not sure what's worse?

What did you mean what she emailed you?

 

Hey sexy kitty

 

I don't think I would like that. He didn't disrespect his xW behind her back - he didn't and still does not have anything bad to say about her. The only thing he mentioned was that whenever they had an argument, she'd sing when he was making a point. Okkaayy. His sister witnessed that as well and told me she lost respect in her. They were really close too.

 

There were a few times, xW emailed me to talk about their son, in the email she told me that FMM was not supportive and didn't do much around the house and more. I think FMM mentioned about this in one of his posts.

 

Anyway, whatever that was going on then - it was their business. All I know is that, he does a lot more around here. Things I did not expect him to do... and whenever we are at his parents' place - he helped him mother with the house chores etc. His mother told me he has always been that way so I guess I wouldn't complain about him not doing anything.

[Tomcat33]

Codependency is like a magnet that draws other codependents.

But some will constantly ask "what does it mean?".

 

 

That's ok but still not clear.

?????????

 

People ask what something means because they are genuinely curious to find out more, it is a sign of a healthy inquisitive mind and intellectual expansion.

 

I can ask "what does it mean when a country takes on political hostages and tucks them away in a jungle for years?" or "what's a coup detat" does that make me a guerilla?!?!?

 

Sorry I still don't see where you are going with that?

[NoIDidn't]

That's ok but still not clear.

?????????

 

People ask what something means because they are genuinely curious to find out more, it is a sign of a healthy inquisitive mind and intellectual expansion.

 

I can ask "what does it mean when a country takes on political hostages and tucks them away in a jungle for years?" or "what's a coup detat" does that make me a guerilla?!?!?

 

Sorry I still don't see where you are going with that?

 

Cognitive dissonance, maybe. Like attracts more than it repels? I've *dumbed* it down as much as I could now. (figure of speech)

 

That and you aren't clear on what part of the explanation that you don't understand.

[Tomcat33]

Yeah, and how they always seem to find others to continue it on another level.

 

One doesn't try to make sense of codependent behavior unless they themselves lean that way.

 

Is there a cure?

 

 

Ohhhh I see what you are saying that codependent behaviour is akin to cognitive dissonance. I thought you meant that those that try to understand it ARE codependant, but what you actually meant was that those that ARE codependant justify it by making sense of fit.

Ohhhh ok I get it now!! So hard without body language sometimes..

 

The cure has to start with awareness, you need to recognize this pattern is prevalent in the way you relate to your parnter and most people in this pattern don't even realise they are doing this so...unless external intervention can point this out I am not sure how you would see it being in it?

[wildsoul]

Actually she got your so called man by his testicles. This is why he was mad. This is why he has to hid. His wife is the one with the swinger. If it were not so, he would of divorced her. And it is not codependance when one stands up for the vows they have made. And they show even greater courage than those who really think being the other person makes them anything special.

DNR

Let me preface this with saying that I believe in marriage and standing up for vows. This is the first time I dated someone who was still undoing another relationship. It's just that he wasn't as far into his separation process as he led me to believe, and really, it would have just been so much better to say "thanks, let me know when you've split up all the furniture into seperate homes." I was more open-minded to him and his situation in part because I just came out of a marriage myself. Mine took 2 years to end, very slowly, gracefully, and respectfully.

 

Now, what I do want to address is the difference between codependence and fighting for what's right. I think she and him are both basically good people. Yet she and her aging parents are dependant on him financially. She's also from a very conservative religion that forbids divorce. I think she "has him by the balls" so to speak not just because she loves him, but also because she is dependant on him. She is very invested in controlling him. That hasn't been good for their masculine/feminine polarity. He describes it as her treating him like a child. But then he rebels like one, too.

 

A codependant isn't just someone who acts like a victim. There is often a dance where both partners take turns being controlling and being victimized. It's a two-step.

 

I think it's extremely courageous to stand up and try to fix your marriage! But she refuses to go to therapy, and just wants to put the hammer down without compromise. Honestly, if she'd just open up more, she could probably save her marriage. But her being controlling and him rebelling isn't working out too good. We'll see what happens with me not in the picture.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I think this is a good idea. I've made it a practice to observe how anyone I care about treats the people in his/her life.

 

I believe that a person's core behavior is pretty consistent throughout life and rarely situational. If someone has the capability to lie to me, abuse me or abandon me, then he or she has the capability (and may even be likely) to do it to someone else. I believe that certain personalities we deal with can "bring out" some of our less desirable traits, but ultimately we are all resonsible for our behavior. I don't think myself so exceptional or different to assume that "he won't hit/cheat on/abuse/yell at me" when he's done it to someone else. Sure, it's not all black and white and I don't even believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" maxim. But knowing that it (or any other undesirable trait) is in a man's history, is always going to make me a little more cautious.

 

I think observing this behavior can be eye opening and lead to growth. I commend you for doing it.

[OWoman]

Anyone else go through this phase of scrutinizing how your MM/W treats their spouse?

 

I watch how EVERYONE treats their spouse, and most of it isn't pretty!

 

There wasn't much evidence of how my MM treated his W because their lives were so separate, but what I did see a great deal of was how he treated his kids and his family, which really endeared him to me.

 

What I DID get to see about his R with his W was more about how she treated him - how he ALLOWED her to treat him - and I was really pleased when his counselling got him beyond that and able to stand up to her, and leave.

[Billie63]

You seem to presume because he's got a new phone he will be using that to have affairs with other women.

 

I think he got that phone because he's totally confident he will get you back.

 

And he's got you pretty well sussed because you are still obsessed with him and you probably will end up playing second fiddle again.

 

Stop worrying about the wife's co-dependence on him and take a look at yours.

 

Well done you for breaking off the relationship, but you admit you did it to force his hand. I don't think that's going to happen.

 

I think he wants things back the way they were with you (his soul mate) waiting in the wings for him.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Let me preface this with saying that I believe in marriage and standing up for vows. This is the first time I dated someone who was still undoing another relationship. It's just that he wasn't as far into his separation process as he led me to believe, and really, it would have just been so much better to say "thanks, let me know when you've split up all the furniture into seperate homes." I was more open-minded to him and his situation in part because I just came out of a marriage myself. Mine took 2 years to end, very slowly, gracefully, and respectfully.

 

Now, what I do want to address is the difference between codependence and fighting for what's right. I think she and him are both basically good people. Yet she and her aging parents are dependant on him financially. She's also from a very conservative religion that forbids divorce. I think she "has him by the balls" so to speak not just because she loves him, but also because she is dependant on him. She is very invested in controlling him. That hasn't been good for their masculine/feminine polarity. He describes it as her treating him like a child. But then he rebels like one, too.

 

A codependant isn't just someone who acts like a victim. There is often a dance where both partners take turns being controlling and being victimized. It's a two-step.

 

I think it's extremely courageous to stand up and try to fix your marriage! But she refuses to go to therapy, and just wants to put the hammer down without compromise. Honestly, if she'd just open up more, she could probably save her marriage. But her being controlling and him rebelling isn't working out too good. We'll see what happens with me not in the picture.

 

You having been married then should know this better than anyone then... One just don't get a divorce and wipe their hands of the relationship. They HAVE TO think about things like finances, religious beliefs, the children, time invested, material divides, and other things. This is why divorces are never easy (though some are easier than others). This is why more divorces than not end in bitterness. So, this is not codependance on her part, but everything that people think about before they decide to get married, a divorce, or stay together.

 

Codependence is when one can't cope or live without someone else. And so far you have not said anything to show she is codependant, but one who is thinking long and hard about various situations and consequences before they make a life altering dicision.

 

Now, you talk about what he tells you. Um, hasn't he already proved to you that he is a liar? Not only a liar, but a cheater, a coward, and a predator. He will tell you what you are more than willing to put up with and eat up.

 

If you would, answer these two questions for me...

 

What ended your marriage? I mean, what factors contributed to its dissolve.

 

If you were that wife, would you want a woman like you doing what you are doing to you?

 

 

DNR

[wildsoul]

I think he got that phone because he's totally confident he will get you back.

 

And he's got you pretty well sussed because you are still obsessed with him and you probably will end up playing second fiddle again.

 

Interesting. I hadn't thought of it being about me at all, probably because I'm still so emotional. Everything is fuzzy. But more interestingly, is my first reaction to the idea that the phone might be about me made me feel a little sickened. I'm going to take that as a tiny sense of healthy boundaries returning.

 

But yes, you are right and that I'm still obsessed. The feelings of longing are changing to more of a depression, but it's obsession none the less because I can focus on little else.

 

Stop worrying about the wife's co-dependence on him and take a look at yours.

That was the kind of advice that hits squarely between the eyes but feels good for it's sobering effect. Thank you. I'm tempted to defend that of course I am looking at mine, but instead, I'm going to use yours as a mantra. It would do me good to not think about him or her.

 

Well done you for breaking off the relationship, but you admit you did it to force his hand.

That's not quite true. My primary motive was that I had to do it for me, as I was very clear about the terms under which I would be with him: an above board separation where his wife (and any other relevant people) knew he was dating. His ability to maintain that agreement backslid. So I actually feel that it was my hand that was forced to break up.

 

In doing so, I had to accept that he was going to react however he would. Still, I was hoping that my holding the boundary would also motivate him. But it's not really about motivation. The situation is futile at this time.

[wildsoul]

What ended your marriage? I mean, what factors contributed to its dissolve.

I got engaged to my my X after 2 years, were engaged for 1 before we got married. We started cohabitating after the engagement ring was on and both is kids were living on their own (19 and 22 at the time.) Everything was great for those first 3 years. His adult kids loved me (and me them.) Hubby's career was good. Life was great.

 

Two events happened at the time of us getting married that took heavy tolls.

 

1. His son dropped out of college and moved in with us. Only then did I see all the codependence with xH and his kids. My xSS smoked weed all the time, IN my house, which made me furious. He was also a musician and we had packs of hardcore rappers coming over at all hours, smoking pot, singing hateful things about women and violence. I was miserable.

 

Much to my shock, my xH would not put in boundaries. He told me that if I wanted boundaries, then I had to handle it. Trust that this ruined my relationship with my step-kids. Then just as we were getting some small improvements, my SD was begging to move in too. She also wanted a free ride at home, even though (as I learned later) my xH paid 80% of her bills (such as rent, etc.) I got us into therapy, which helped some, but was sloooow progress. This took a huge toll on my marriage. It's tragic how I thought I did such a good job of going into is slowly, making sure his kids were adults out of the house before we got married. It all went backwards.

 

2. We had some money issues that surfaced. I had suggested a pre-nup to my X shortly after we got engaged. I was trying to be sensitive to the fact that he had kids. (I don't have kids.) He said, yeah we should probably do that. Then he never mentioned it again, until less than a week before the wedding. We already had out of town guests in visting. His initial pre-nup offer was zero communitiy property, even AFTER marriage, and zero inheritance for me even if he DIED. It was the most unloving thing I'd ever heard of. We had a track record for getting through things, so rather than cancel the wedding, I tried to squeeze in meetings with my lawyer and our rabbi to modify the prenup.

 

Maybe I should have just called off the wedding. Because in retrospect, the day before the wedding we finally reached an agreement that made him put $5k month into a household checking account that would be community property (he owns a million+ dollar a year biz) and he'd have to pay for life insurance in case he died, and our household things would go to me. Although he agreed, he never changed his trust to match the prenup. I asked and pleaded, but he kept deferring. I brought it up in therapy. Basically, he wasn't following through and I felt unloved. We lived more like roommates than husband/wife. The time we did have together was tense. I felt the need to buy my own house as an invesment (since I didn't have any financial interest in the home we lived in.) I spent more and more time at my weekender house for 1 year, then officially separated for another year. Now the D papers are inked.

 

Muses to herself: Putting in boundaries to do what's right always seems to lead to be being alone. *sobs*

 

If you were that wife, would you want a woman like you doing what you are doing to you?

More to the point, I'd want my husband to have the balls to break up wiith me if he's really intent on dating others. Don't do me any favors by pretending you're staying for MY well-being if that means you're stay includes others.

 

I had an xBF who cheated on me and it was the most painful thing I ever went through. I didn't dwell on the women; I was angry with him. I knew full well that he was manipulating them, by making it seem like he was available, when he and I were supposed to be monogamous. A more predatory woman would evoke a wrathful response though.

 

I'm not predatory, just pathetic in my hopeful neediness. Unflattering, but true. *sighs*

[Billie63]

Interesting. I hadn't thought of it being about me at all, probably because I'm still so emotional. Everything is fuzzy. But more interestingly, is my first reaction to the idea that the phone might be about me made me feel a little sickened. I'm going to take that as a tiny sense of healthy boundaries returning. quote=wildsoul;1770735

 

Yes it's hard to see things clearly when you're still reeling from the break up. But a little distance helps a lot and as you say you're starting to look back at things and recognise them more clearly.

 

So this will continue the longer you stay away from him.

 

I know it's hard but do try to avoid him. Of course you're obsessing, that's natural, but that will gradually ebb away the longer you're apart.

 

The beauty is, you can't lose. If you allow yourself to grieve and go through the pain of break up eventually you will go on to meet a guy who is free to give you everything and he'll be all yours.

 

While your MM, well what will he be left with? A disfunctional marriage with someone he doesn't even like very much.