Should I stay or leave? (VERY long post, sorry)

[NCPilot]

This involves a woman that I am in love with and the Emotional Affair that I am having with her.

 

Keep in mind, that they do live together with his dad (He's 30, she's 23), and because of financial situation, she can't move out so, that explains why she doesn't just leave him.

 

So for the past three months and a half, I've been talking to my ex. We haven't talked to one another for the past 7 years due to our nasty break up. Anyways, ever since we started talking again, we've both noticed that we still have feelings for each other, we both still love each other and want to be with one another. The problem is her boyfriend of 4 years.

 

I've studied their relationship for the entire 3.5 months, and honestly I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did. The first month was total Hell. They were always fighting and yelling. They had a huge fight and she gave him one last chance (apparently he is still on that last chance). Since then things have calmed down some, but she still finds him annoying, controlling, obsessive, obsessive (he wants to be handcuffed to her), and doesn't show her any respect.

 

Now in the past 3.5 months, me and her have gotten close, for the first two months things were awesome. We were reconnecting as friends and as long lost loves. We would talk about our past, how much we've grown up in the past 7 years, and how we still have feelings for each other. I do have to admit though, things have cooled down a bit this month. I guess the "honeymoon" phase is over.

 

It also cooled down a bit because there are some aspect of my personality that she doesn't like, my Alpha Male and that I can be too open with people when it comes to me and her. Which I can understand. She wants a person she can feel equal to and she wants some things to stay between me and her.

 

Now before things cooled down, we've talked about renting an apartment together so that she can break up with him and we can live together and be friends and later more. However, that fell through when we did the math and she could not pay her half. So the next plan was to see if she could move in with a family member. That didn't work out either, and forget about the parents, there's some bad blood there.

 

Now, here is where things get confusing for me. Before things cooled down, we were close, I mean I felt close to her, she felt close to me. She was very decisive about her and him not working out. I mean Hell, she even broke off the engagement with him. That happened before I came around though, apparently the problems were bad enough for her to call it off.

 

However, when things cooled down, she became less decisive. One of things she said throughout the 3 months is that she can't marry him because he's not husband/boyfriend material for her, she also said that she can't change her feelings about him and no matter what he does, it won't change. Now that's great news for me, but since things have cooled down, she added right now to the end of both of those statement. Which just sends a red flag up for me. So it's like "He isn't husband material for me right now." or "My feelings can't change, and no matter what he does, they won't change, right now." Even today she's being cautious about saying whether or not him and her will work out. She does say however that things aren't looking too good. Things aren't getting worse, but they aren't getting better either. Honestly, I haven't noticed a change in her bf. The only change I've seen is that he's not calling her/ txting her while he's at work. Only after she had to threaten to cut his phone off, several times.

 

Now at this point, you'd think I'd just step out of the picture, because it seems like her feelings for him and me are starting to change where she wants to give him another chance, or maybe she's not ready to leave him. However, I've noticed that she said this during the three days that she barely sees him. (They work different shifts).

 

I've also noticed that when we spend time together, she remembers what we did, however, when it comes to him, she doesn't think about it, and she tends to forget. Which seems to tell me that she's still not happy with the relationship. Another thing I noticed is that last night, she got irritated with him (again) and this morning, she says that once the bills are paid off, she's going to save up money to move out and get away from him.

 

So when they barely see one another she is more cautious about saying that it's not going to work out, and using language like "right now" and "if". However if they're together, she's more decisive about them not working out.

 

I dunno, I'm just very confused about the situation. On one hand it seems like she's not ready to call it off and be done with it, but with her cautious language, it seems like she's not ready to make that break or believes that he will change.

 

Can someone please give me some insight? This is confusing me and it's overloading my brain.

[NatoPMT]

i think you should tell her that you wont accept being her OM and her indecisiveness - that youll leave her be to make her decisions and for her to contact you when shes made that decision

 

if you push anything, or look for signs shes not happy, she wont have made the decision without influence, so you both might then feel some resentment to the other for the situation youre in. If she leaves him of her own accord, then you both KNOW she made that decision more independantly of the affair which starts your relationship with more credibility and less reason for suspicion

 

if you continue to be the om, she might end up procrastinating and getting more comfortable with not losing him and her home, and having you for some additionals

 

it does sound like some of her focus is on the practicality - once it became apparent you couldnt afford a home together, she cools. So whoever can offer her the best financial package might win - i know she needs a home, but if loved someone, id be prepared to do what was necessary to be with them

[LakesideDream]

That "right now" business would scare the crap out of me if I was in your position. That statement certainly sounds like the position could change anytime in the future.

 

She sounds very immature. I'm afraid you aren't getting the whole story here. High Schools over.

[carhill]

Mind games. Monkey grasp branch.

 

She was 16 when you "broke up"? Lordy.

 

OP, get out there and enjoy life with a mature woman. Nothing to see here. Move on.

[whichwayisup]

I think if you want to continue being the OM she will have no issue with that. She has no plans to end her marriage, change her life.

 

You deserve more than what she is offering you and sticking around in hopes she'll "finally" leave him is going to do alot of damage to you, in the now and also in the future.

 

Read some threads in this section, especially stampdaddy.

 

Your 'friend' is telling you what you want to hear. Her marriage isn't half as bad as she makes it out to be and you've only observed for less than 4 months, even then you haven't seen them behind closed doors.

 

Also, think back. Why didn't your relationship work out before? What has changed since then? Why do you think you two are a good match now? Remember, everything that is going on is in an affair setting, not in an open way like before. There's a betrayal going on, sneaking around, hiding and lying - all that makes an affair more intense and taboo, makes it dramatic and intense. Very addictive too apparently.

[NCPilot]

I think if you want to continue being the OM she will have no issue with that. She has no plans to end her marriage, change her life.

 

You deserve more than what she is offering you and sticking around in hopes she'll "finally" leave him is going to do alot of damage to you, in the now and also in the future.

 

Read some threads in this section, especially stampdaddy.

 

Your 'friend' is telling you what you want to hear. Her marriage isn't half as bad as she makes it out to be and you've only observed for less than 4 months, even then you haven't seen them behind closed doors.

 

Also, think back. Why didn't your relationship work out before? What has changed since then? Why do you think you two are a good match now? Remember, everything that is going on is in an affair setting, not in an open way like before. There's a betrayal going on, sneaking around, hiding and lying - all that makes an affair more intense and taboo, makes it dramatic and intense. Very addictive too apparently.

 

She actually isn't married, this is just a LTR.

[whichwayisup]

But she is in a committed long term relationship. If they are living together, then they're common-law married.