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CallMeCrazy

Hi Everyone,

 

I wanted to share a good book with you all. I read this a few weeks back and I can't begin to tell you how much it helped me... I only wish I would have read it several months ago...

 

The author gives a very realistic view of what has, is and will happen for people involved in an affair. She sheds light on the feelings/emotions of all involved and I must say is right on the money.

 

I suggest everyone read it... and would love to hear suggestions from others about books they found helpful...

 

Will He Really Leave Her For Me?: Understanding Your Situation, Making Decisions for Your Happiness ~by Rona Subotnik

 

Sincerely, CMC

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I read Secret love, which outlined a lot of different situations.

 

BTW, was this a USA book or out of the states? Just wondering I love to read book at Barnes and Nobles.

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How about "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

 

"Surviving an Affair", and "His Needs/Her Needs" by Willard Harley

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Lookingforward
How about "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

 

"Surviving an Affair", and "His Needs/Her Needs" by Willard Harley

 

But those are books more for BS and WS than an affair partner especially an OW

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Granted...but also useful to understand all three sides of the triangle, rather than just your own.

 

Just a suggestion to help understand the whole "affair process" and what goes on from all perspectives.

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Yeah but no offense OWL but the OP has enough on their plate to have worry about than to take on the whole aspect of what the BS is going through....

 

Callmecrazy, I don't think you can read the whole thing online Amazon lets you view a few pages and that's it. ;)

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Lookingforward
Granted...but also useful to understand all three sides of the triangle, rather than just your own.

 

Just a suggestion to help understand the whole "affair process" and what goes on from all perspectives.

 

maybe, but I don't really care about the "3 sides" - not like the BS is gonna give a damn about the OW/OMs perspective is it and there are very few GOOD books out there for affair partners.....

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maybe, but I don't really care about the "3 sides" - not like the BS is gonna give a damn about the OW/OMs perspective is it and there are very few GOOD books out there for affair partners.....

 

Well, you'd probably be astounded at how many BS's truly DO try to "get the OW/OM perspective"...including myself.

 

And I'm equally unamazed that there's not a plethora of books written from that perspective.

 

Sorry if you don't like my book recommendations. Good thing I didn't require anyone's approval before I posted them I guess.

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Amy Winehouse - Back to Black

 

This has probably been mentioned somewhere on here before, i'd say about 6 tracks on the album are meant to be from the perspective of an OW

 

My Favorourite is this one (when i'm feeling sorry for myself)

 

Wake Up Alone"

 

It's okay in the day I'm staying busy

Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he

Got so sick of crying

So just lately

When I catch myself I do a 180

I stay up clean the house

At least I'm not drinking

Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking

That silent sense of content

That everyone gets

Just disappears soon as the sun sets

 

This face in my dreams seizes my guts

He floods me with dread

Soaked in soul

He swims in my eyes by the bed

Pour myself over him

Moon spilling in

And I wake up alone

 

The title track is also an amazing account of being the other woman

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Lookingforward
Well, you'd probably be astounded at how many BS's truly DO try to "get the OW/OM perspective"...including myself.

 

Why ?

 

And I'm equally unamazed that there's not a plethora of books written from that perspective.

 

also why ?

 

no need to get your tail feathers ruffled, owl :)

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nadiaj2727
How about "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

 

"Surviving an Affair", and "His Needs/Her Needs" by Willard Harley

 

Owl I read Not Just Friends as I was trying to end my A and it really helped me in two ways. First, yes, it did help me in understanding the BS point of view (which was a huge wake-up call as I am one of the apparently rare people in this world (????), according to some, who want to understand all sides of the picture, and this book showed me that I was too narrow minded and focused on MYSELF instead of how the affair was affecting BS and why my xMM even had an affair in the first place!... our "relationship"/ affair had little to do with me and more to do with problems in his marriage and within himself, so that was important to me, to realize, WOW, I feel so small for being caught up in something so big to ME but what was really just a slice of a much bigger picture going on with them. And it helped me see that the affair wasn't doing ANYTHING to help fix him or his problems... it was just an escape and should we have ended up together, which at the time I was reading it he was separated and we were trying to be together, he would just continue those same patterns and be unhappy unless he looked WITHIN, and I could not help him with that, in fact I was only hurting his marriage more and making his problems worse. So to me understanding the BS and WS perspective WAS really important in understanding my own perspective as an OW.

 

And secondly the book did also help me as the OW too. It has sections aimed at helping the affair partner cope, and I'm sure it would surprise some but the advice is actually really non-judgmental help like how to mourn your loss and move on and learn from your mistakes. It was really insightful but definitely slanted towards ending the affair of course, which is why some OW might not want to read it. I'd recommend it for OWs who are starting to realize that there is just no good going on and they need/ want out. And for those OW who are starting to realize that hey wait, something is not right here, how could he be telling me one thing yet staying married, he must be telling HER something completely different, I wonder what it could be and why?!?! Then this book is extremely extremely helpful! A huge eye opener.

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Thanks Nadja. This is exactly what I was trying to suggest.

 

I can completely understand why many OW wouldn't WANT to read either of my recommendations.

 

I didn't make these suggestions based on what they'd WANT to read...I made the suggestions based on what would help them understand more about the situation they're in, the dynamics of it from all three sides, the realization that their situation is far, far more common than they normally believe.

 

I suggested is as something that would help them work through the situation, rather than based off what they would WANT to read.

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Lookingforward
Thanks Nadja. This is exactly what I was trying to suggest.

 

I can completely understand why many OW wouldn't WANT to read either of my recommendations.

 

I didn't make these suggestions based on what they'd WANT to read...I made the suggestions based on what would help them understand more about the situation they're in, the dynamics of it from all three sides, the realization that their situation is far, far more common than they normally believe.

 

I suggested is as something that would help them work through the situation, rather than based off what they would WANT to read.

 

Which is still assuming the OW/OM is interested in ending the A........

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I would definitely recommend you to read The autobiography of Fidel Castro.

 

Am I suppose to recommend books on As and such?

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I would definitely recommend you to read The autobiography of Fidel Castro.

 

He wrote an autobiography? Wow - I'd love to read that! I must see if Amazon has it. Thanks, Lyssa! :love:

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Which is still assuming the OW/OM is interested in ending the A........

 

Nope. This information would be good to help the OW/OM understand what's going on at home DURING the affair, especially after d-day...and that does have direct bearing on how the WS acts during this time as well. It would help them understand what he's going through and why, and prepare them for dealing with it from their end and with their goals as well.

 

It would also help them if they opted to end the affair as well, but just understanding what's going on in the WS's life as a result of the affair would make sense as well, no?

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Granted...but also useful to understand all three sides of the triangle, rather than just your own.

 

Just a suggestion to help understand the whole "affair process" and what goes on from all perspectives.

 

I agree OWL! I want to know everything there is to know about what is happening. What Xmm is going through, what the BW is dealing with, and how to deal with the after-shock myself. One cannot know what to expect from the other parties unless one takes the time to learn what they might be experiencing - takes much of the guess work out of the process. I appreciate the book lists and have read several of these already. We should all be life-long learners and improving ones self in this way can only help. :)

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He wrote an autobiography? Wow - I'd love to read that! I must see if Amazon has it. Thanks, Lyssa! :love:

 

Yes he did. Do check it out, OWoman - I'm sure you'll enjoy it. :) No problemo :love:

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Well, you'd probably be astounded at how many BS's truly DO try to "get the OW/OM perspective"...including myself.

 

And I'm equally unamazed that there's not a plethora of books written from that perspective.

 

Sorry if you don't like my book recommendations. Good thing I didn't require anyone's approval before I posted them I guess.

 

I was suprised myself that there are not more books from the OW's perspective - so, I am seriously considering writing one myself.

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Nope. This information would be good to help the OW/OM understand what's going on at home DURING the affair, especially after d-day...and that does have direct bearing on how the WS acts during this time as well. It would help them understand what he's going through and why, and prepare them for dealing with it from their end and with their goals as well.

 

It would also help them if they opted to end the affair as well, but just understanding what's going on in the WS's life as a result of the affair would make sense as well, no?

 

Owl I must confess I find books like that do nothing for my understanding and merely serve to irritate me with the genre. SmartGirl (IIRC) recommended a book on another thread called "How can I forgive you" which she said I should read and pass on to MM. He read it and found it useful in working through some of his issues with his W; but then, I guess, he was working through those in counselling anyway. I read part of the way and found it blandly repetitive of the obvious, with the analytic depth of a mango peel. But what really irritates me about those kind of books is the style - that all those clients that visited that therapist have their unique and complex stories condensed into one neat soundbyte to illustrate whatever point the author is seeking to make at the time. I just find that so enormously disrespectful, and exploitative of what is already a very unequal professional relationship. To my mind, books like that border on the unethical.

 

It's not that I think popularising research is bad per se - I have eagerly devoured the work of Carl Sagan, Stephen Hawking or Bertrand Russell - but this kind of Oprahfication really does jar with me. I'd far rather read the original published research where full clinical histories, research methodology setting out the limitations and constraints of the study, and references to other related work that agrees or disagrees is set out. I can be sure that rigid peer review processes have been followed and that the argument presented will be backed up by evidence - which is presented - and can be refuted or accepted on its own grounds, rather than the eloquence of its author.

 

(Forgive me if I've gotten it wrong and these are not "that kind of book", but the description on Amazon suggests that's what they are.)

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HONEST QUESTION...

 

Do you think that its really that you don't like the way the book was done and the way the information in it was gathered and presented...or have you considered that you don't like them or the way that they sound because they don't match your own personal viewpoints?

 

Seriously...give that a real thought before you reply.

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HONEST QUESTION...

 

Do you think that its really that you don't like the way the book was done and the way the information in it was gathered and presented...or have you considered that you don't like them or the way that they sound because they don't match your own personal viewpoints?

 

Seriously...give that a real thought before you reply.

 

Definitely the former Owl. It's not only on this particular subject. It's on a range of subjects, including some that I have no strong feelings about either way. And it's even when I *do* find myself agreeing with much of what the author said, as in the case I cited (that "How can I forgive you" book) where I felt what was being described was blindingly obvious (basically, that there's a third path when someone wrongs you, beyond forgiving or bearing a grudge, which is acceptance). There was nothing in that book not to agree with. So no, I wasn't rejecting it because it threatened some views of perspectives of mine. I was rejecting it because I thought it insulted the clients who were her book fodder, and because it insulted my brain cells reading it as if it contained any insights.

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Interesting...two intelligent people (if you count me as intelligent...that's been the subject of speculation by a number of people for years) can read something and take completely polar stances on its value.

 

Let me ask you another question...

 

I know that you've not read the book...

 

But, would you agree that opposite sex friendships (or same sex for homosexual-tended people) are often the first places that affairs (ESPECIALLY EA's) START?

 

Would you further agree that the blurring of lines between friend and emotional lover are a part of the confusion in those EA's?

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Interesting...two intelligent people (if you count me as intelligent...that's been the subject of speculation by a number of people for years) can read something and take completely polar stances on its value.

 

That's hardly worth remark, Owl - intelligent people *usually* disagree on interpretation. It's the unintelligent who accept something at face value without questioning or critiquing and bringing their own interpretation and analysis to bear.

 

MM read the book, and found it useful. We had some intense, robust conversations about it - which is the nature of our profession, admittedly - and in the end he has his view, and I mine. That makes neither of us right and the other wrong. As with you and I - it had value for you, and resonated; it didn't for me. My donating it to the recycling doesn't take away from the value it holds for you.

 

Let me ask you another question...

 

I know that you've not read the book...

 

But, would you agree that opposite sex friendships (or same sex for homosexual-tended people) are often the first places that affairs (ESPECIALLY EA's) START?

 

Would you further agree that the blurring of lines between friend and emotional lover are a part of the confusion in those EA's?

 

I must admit I'm hesitant to offer up any opinion about EAs, since I'm not altogether clear on what they are (though I acknowledge they're plenty real to the people in them) and having been bizarrely accused of such before, I'm also confused as to whether there's any kind of agreement about that generally.

 

On whether I think opposite sex friendships can lead to affairs, I'm sure that that can happen under certain circumstances for certain people. I tend to categorise people and so it's not the kind of thing I can relate to myself, but I'm sure that it's possible for others - though I wouldn't go so far as to say "often". Most of the As I've had exposure to have been As of intent by at least one of the parties, rather than "accidental" As. But that might also be an environmental thing - As are no big deal here, so disguising one's motives either before or after the event serves no purpose.

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Here's my take on EA's, Owoman.

 

You've been involved in a number of PA's...but only one EA. You 'fell in love' with your last EA.

 

Sometimes, people "fall in love" (EA) and never get the opportunity to advance it to PA. In America, it tends to start EA in many cases and then end up 'progressing' to PA. People start out as friends/co-workers...they start communicating, the communications become more intimate and emotional...they fall in love (EA). Eventually, the decide to consumate that relationship, and it goes PA.

 

Granted, it happens the other way around too. And I'm wondering if PA's are more common where you live than EA's, given the different culture.

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