My Boss

[paranoiagirl]

Ok, here goes this is going to be a long one. I have always had a thing about my boss but have never done anything about it. Then I started to experience problems in my life and illness. I confided in my boss and pretty much used him as a lifeline. Keeping my feelings of attraction from him, for me they were like 2 seperate things. He's my boss and he's married. In the end my health got really bad because he really hurt me, and basically pushed me over the edge. I ended up taking alot of time off work due to my illness. With no contact from him. Before I went sick, he had really upset me saying I had been giving him mixed signals, that there were rumours that he and I were having an affair and that I had got inside his head. During all the time I had been off work I had no contact from him as he had supposedly been told not to contact me. To me a married man who is your boss should have risen above mixed signals if I had been giving them to him which I don't think I had. Whats getting to me is I still feel so hurt by him, but I still have very strong feelings for him. Also I feel a need to know how I was giving him mixed signals but I don't feel able to trust him anymore to ask the questions I want to ask him. This is messing my head up. When I went back to work, I told him how angry I was with him and he basically said that I'd got to him and he was concerned about my state of mind which is why he had to involve his boss. He basically stitched me up. So why can't I get him out of my head?

 

PG

[EnigmaXOXO]

I’m not sure what it is your boss did to “push you over the edge.” No need to ask for details, but if something out-of-line transpired at work because he acted on your attraction to him (or vice versa) then you BOTH need to accept your part in it. Unless he forced himself on you ... and then you might have grounds to pursue a criminal case against him.

 

The frequent absences from work would be enough to get anyone terminated. And if you are not mentally healthy enough to perform your job, then it stands to reason your employers would be reluctant to have you return.

 

I think it would do you some good to seek out some counseling. Someone on a more professional level to talk things out with. Preferably with a female so that if you should find yourself becoming too dependant on them for emotional support, you won’t be at risk again for confusing those feelings with romantic inclinations.

 

It might be a real good place for you to start ...

[Owl]

I'm not sure I understand this.

 

Its clear he sensed some level of your attraction to him...hence the "mixed signals".

 

What did he do on the basis of those "mixed signals"?

 

Why, specifically, are you angry with him?

 

How far did "whatever it was" go between the two of you?

[paranoiagirl]

I kept my attraction to him quiet, never told him a thing. But I used to blush a bit in front of him, but I am blusher anyway so that dosen't mean anything. What he did was the fact that he knew that I was ill at the time, and I had some trouble at work which he did not want to know about. He had a go at me said I was giving him mixed signals, that there were rumours about me and him and therefore if he had acted on my complaint about this other member of staff it would have looked lilke he was treating me better because people thought that he and i were having a relationship. I know that there was never anything like that being spread about at all and I firmly believe that he made it up for whatever reason. When I had text him to try to get him to listen and explain to him what had been taking place at work all I got back from him was that I had got inside his head, I was angry as he would not believe me, what I was telling him. Infact when I want back to work and confronted him, I did not mention the mixed signals stuff, but his excuse for everything was that I had got to him. At the time putting the attraction aside I just thought I had found a friend whom I could trust to talk things through with at the time with regards to my health. Nothing ever happened apart from a bit of flirting on the phone and him making a few comments. Now when I see him its like I have an allergic reaction to him, my arms literally burn and it goes right up to my kneck and into my face.

 

PG

[Owl]

Get a new job.

 

And along with that, a new boss.

[EnigmaXOXO]

So it sounds like you’re still working there (???)

 

Aside from understanding why you’re feeling a bit awkward about the whole thing, I’m still relieved you haven’t lost your job because your boss lacks the self control to handle his own temptation to fraternize with his employees. But given the good ‘ol boy network that is still undercurrent in many companies today, you’re going to have to put on your “professional” hat and mind your “Ps” and “Qs” from here on out. I think this is even MORE important for females if they wish to be respected and treated as ‘equals’ in the workplace.

 

Given that your boss’s reputation is a stake ... they’ll be looking for other legitimate reasons to dismiss you if they can’t find any ‘legal’ ones to base their decision on. Including frequent absences or any indication you are not mentally or emotionally capable of handling your job.

 

Keep it strictly business. Your personal and private matters should never enter the work place. You’ve got to learn to separate that stuff at all costs. If there’s a medical condition that affects your attendance, then discuss that with HR. If there’s someone at work you’re having personal issues with, then again, file your complaint with HR who are supposed to remain neutral in these situations.

 

And please, please, please ... if you’re having personal issues that you must share with a confidant, than look to an outside friend, relative or professional for support. Never bring your dirty laundry to work, as it is the hub of gossip. Bad enough people will INVENT things to gossip about when their bored ... let alone give them something to whisper about over the water cooler!

 

Home. Work. Keep them separate!

[paranoiagirl]

Yes I am still working for the same company. I think that perhaps my boss was after something from me and picked up on my feelings for him. Luckily I work for a rather large company, and he is only my line manager. His manager got involved as did the occupational health doctor. Oh actually told the company that they think that I am covered under DDA and that they would have a pretty hard job to get rid of me. Infact I was even told by my union amongst others that I had not actually done anything wrong.

At the moment he is being very friendly towards me, which only fuels my worries towards him. I agreed basically with his manager that I would draw a line under it all and he said he wanted to do the same. I don't know what if anything he had told his manager but I had turned round and told her that I did not trust him anymore which I don't. It is a difficult situation for me, I still feel very attracted to him but at the sametime I would like to throttle him. At the moment he is still behaving charming, on the few occasions I have had to deal with him at work rather than him ring me on the company phone he hasn't he has rang my mobile. To me its all very confusing and you would think if he was not interested he would keep his distance which is what I am doing. Because even though I have these feelings for him I value my job too much, and I don't want anything to happen which is why I never reacted to his mixed signals stuff. Also he has basically used my health in order to get himself out of the situation.

 

PG

[paranoiagirl]

Owl,

 

I am just waiting my time to see if anything else comes up with my company so I can apply for a transfer. If nothing does come up then I hope theres truth in what they say about time being a great healer. I don't want to leave my company as I have been with them many years and would lose alot.

 

PG

[EnigmaXOXO]

To me its all very confusing and you would think if he was not interested he would keep his distance which is what I am doing.

 

Ideally, I wish you weren’t still so preoccupied with whether or not he’s “interested.” It’s kinda a mute point given that he’s your boss, he’s married, and the whole thing has already caused you enough trouble at work without anything even going down yet.

 

I gather you don’t scare too easily, huh (???)

 

YOU are the only one responsible for defining where your boundaries are. And how you present yourself will make all the difference in the world when it comes to how others treat you. If you find that it is completely impossible for you to distance yourself emotionally from wanting more from your boss than just a work cordial relationship, than perhaps it is better that you find employment elsewhere before someone crosses that line and you end up getting fired anyway.

 

At another place, you could start fresh and do things a little differently this time without all the bad press, gossip and distractions following you.

[paranoiagirl]

Oh I am just a weak woman, we don't seem him too often but when he does appear I just automatically react how I said before, arms burn, face and neck burns etc. I just keep my head down. He must notice it.

 

As far as I am concerned I will not ever act on my feelings towards him as I said my job is too important to me especially being a single parent. I am watching my P's and Q's and keeping a distance myself. I just hope that oneday that I will get over this and won't have the feelings of unfinished business. Infact just putting it down in my posts and reading other posts has given me alot to think about. I would never make a pass at him or anything like that, I have never done that to any man I am far too shy LOL.

 

I have never behaved or said anything inappropriate to him at all, which is why the only reason I think he has picked up on my feelings towards him is that because of my blushing.

 

Also when I confronted him he told me that he had behaved as he did because I'd got to him, and because he thought he wasn't healthy for me.

 

PG

[EnigmaXOXO]

I would never make a pass at him or anything like that, I have never done that to any man I am far too shy LOL.

 

Shoot. I’m not worried about you making a pass at him. But given that you’re so vulnerable and smitten (and he knows it), what would happen to your resolve should he make one at you? And like before ... just “who” do you think stands to wear that scarlet letter and lose their job if you do??

 

I’m surprised you haven’t already lost all respect for him as a BOSS, let alone someone you could befriend and confide in. I think you’ve already learned the hard way where this will lead you. And if that isn’t enough to completely repel and repulse you ... then I’d hate to imagine what other kind of people out there might try to take advantage of you.

[paranoiagirl]

Enigma,

 

Thankyou for your wise words. I keep reading and reading my thread over and over again to remind me that I am not a doormat and that I cannot do anything about this. I feel like I need some answers but I know I can never ask for them. Like you say I am vunerable and smitten, and extremely confused.

 

Today I went to work with the attitude I should have, tonight my feelings are somewhat of anger and frustration, but its that time of the month so that could be it.

 

I really could do with getting a transfer at work if only there were anymore jobs going out of my managers area but unfortunately there isn't, so its a case of grinning and bearing it, but if I could have a transfer being honest with myself, would I take it?

 

PG