Crash and burn...

[lovecrushed]

I finally ended an affair I had with a married man. His wife was suspicious and out of the blue text me on my handphone asking if she knows me. It was just a few days after we spent our weekend together. It became too much for me. I think she is planning something and I couldn't bear the thought of him losing his kids so I told him it's over. I know deep down inside, he loves me and will leave when the time is right but I can't bear to see what his wife would do to his kids or him. I know he deserves to be kicked out but he is the only breadwinner of the family. She quit her part time job and I know it is not easy being dependent on a man.

 

I am having mixed feelings. I am sad, angry but at the same time I feel good for ending it. I love him so much and we have shared a lot of the good and bad moments. This is one of the time where it didn't end the way I want it. As of now, he has called me several times but I chose to ignore his calls even though it is killing me!!

 

How do I get through this? I want him so bad and I know we can make it work together, I just know but it's better for everyone if we went our separate ways. Who knows, maybe his wife knew all along but is just keeping it quiet? She is maybe letting me know that she is on to me and knowing that I will tell him, he'd be more careful. Spend more time at home. That way, she will get back the husband she used to have? Does that make any sense??

 

My phone is ringing as I am typing this and it's him....

[Green]

watch the jerry springer show, maybe that will make you think twice. And watch some good sitcoms like how I met your mother

[Lyssa]

How do I get through this? I want him so bad and I know we can make it work together, I just know but it's better for everyone if we went our separate ways. Who knows, maybe his wife knew all along but is just keeping it quiet? She is maybe letting me know that she is on to me and knowing that I will tell him, he'd be more careful. Spend more time at home. That way, she will get back the husband she used to have? Does that make any sense??

 

My phone is ringing as I am typing this and it's him....

 

A lot of times, we think that we can always make it work better than the previous partner - who knows? Maybe we can but it will take a lot of work and it must also come from both partners. If a M cannot work anymore then it is best to leave it BUT end it because it isn't working anymore, not because one found someone else. Is that the case of MM in your life? Has it always been bad in his M or was he just looking for something on the side?

 

His W could very well know all about it all this while, if so there isn't much that you can do?

 

The last part of your post - yup, it makes sense. How about you tell him that it's over for now and that you do not want any sort of contact at all with him. Let him sort out what it is that he wants to do with his M. He owes his W that for now. That's what I think, anyway.

Edited March 19, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
where the heck did that smiley came from?!

[serial muse]

I finally ended an affair I had with a married man. His wife was suspicious and out of the blue text me on my handphone asking if she knows me. It was just a few days after we spent our weekend together. It became too much for me. I think she is planning something and I couldn't bear the thought of him losing his kids so I told him it's over. I know deep down inside, he loves me and will leave when the time is right but I can't bear to see what his wife would do to his kids or him. I know he deserves to be kicked out but he is the only breadwinner of the family. She quit her part time job and I know it is not easy being dependent on a man.

 

I am having mixed feelings. I am sad, angry but at the same time I feel good for ending it. I love him so much and we have shared a lot of the good and bad moments. This is one of the time where it didn't end the way I want it. As of now, he has called me several times but I chose to ignore his calls even though it is killing me!!

 

How do I get through this? I want him so bad and I know we can make it work together, I just know but it's better for everyone if we went our separate ways. Who knows, maybe his wife knew all along but is just keeping it quiet? She is maybe letting me know that she is on to me and knowing that I will tell him, he'd be more careful. Spend more time at home. That way, she will get back the husband she used to have? Does that make any sense??

 

My phone is ringing as I am typing this and it's him....

 

Hi lc - I'm sorry for your pain; affairs are painful all around.

 

It sounds like you're asking why his wife is texting you. Without knowing more details of your story, I'll say that I know it's tempting to cast her as the bad guy here, or to ascribe some cold and calculating moves to her to "keep her man" and use the kids to somehow hurt him; but most likely she is just confused, hurt, scared and looking for answers; she found a strange phone number on her husband's phone that might explain things at last, and she texted it hoping for those answers. Not so hard to understand, really. Doesn't mean she's setting him up for a fall and "planning something"; it more likely means she doesn't know what the he!! is going on and is hoping to find out.

 

I do understand that you're going through pain, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone - but I hope you'll see that it's not necessary to cast someone else who's going through her own pain as calculating and uncaring (if that's what the MM has said of her, you should probably take it with a giant chunk of salt). It's just a bad situation and she's human, too; plus, she doesn't have the information you have about what's going on. Hope that helps to clear it up.

 

As for NC - again, I'm not sure of your story - how long the affair has been going on, what your connection is with him, and so forth. But if you feel good for ending it I'm guessing you've been wanting to for a while, one way or the other. Getting out of that endless, gray limbo state is really freeing, and NC helps you move on. So if you can, go with your gut, and don't answer his calls. As for his wife - it doesn't really make a difference for you, but I'd say she may or may not get her husband back as he was, even if he remains faithful from here on out. There are so many variables, including how she feels about him if her suspicions are confirmed. So hard to say.

 

But again, that doesn't change your own decision. And bravo for making one; it's a hard thing to do. But it sounds like he wasn't going to.

Edited March 19, 2008 by serial muse

[lovecrushed]

His marriage is not the same anymore. I know a lot of times that's what a married man would say. I know him well enough to know that if he leaves, it will be because the love he had for her is no longer there. We share mutual friends and some of them have said that his wife doesn't feel the same for him now that she has all the things she wanted. Kids, a house and money to spend. The only thing that is keeping them together is the kids and that they have this image to keep, only for the sake of her parents because from what I heard, her last husband left her for someone else... and that someone is not even a female!

 

I know there isn't anything I can do at this moment except to keep it low. I know I will cave in when and if he comes over. In fact I woke up this morning with a bouquet of flowers on my front doorstep! I don't want to continue until I know for sure that it is over but at the same time I feel so lost. I ended it but I am hoping that one day he would come over and tell me he wants a new life with me.

 

Serial, I am not casting anything. I'm just saying because anything can happen in this world. There are people out there psychotic enough to do something to save their marriages/relationships. I am not calling his wife a psycho, just from what I have heard and read in another forum. There are crazy people out there, you know? Pretending to be a friend then ZAP! They kill you off, not literally but might as well be!

 

She has emailed me before... trying to get me to tell her things about my life. I don't know how she got my email address. Married man does not have a personal email, he emails me from his company's email account which no one can get access to (not his wife definitely) and he doesn't save my number in his handphone so she must have gone through a lot to get all my contact info.

 

How would you know she is hurting as well? I'm curious. Who really knows what is going on in their marriage? I don't know unless their friends tell me which some of them are really good friends of theirs and even that, that's what they say. You're talking as if you she's hurting... maybe she is but I honestly do not care for someone who doesn't take good care of her own children.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

We share mutual friends and some of them have said that his wife doesn't feel the same for him now that she has all the things she wanted. Kids, a house and money to spend.

And of COURSE, your mutual friends ALL KNOW what goes on behind closed doors so their word is gold. Are they all marriage therapists and know without a doubt how she FEELS and how he FEELS? Please.

 

The only thing that is keeping them together is the kids and that they have this image to keep, only for the sake of her parents because from what I heard, her last husband left her for someone else... and that someone is not even a female!

LOL...so you're going to blame the fact that her last husband was a closet homosexual (or bisexual) on HER? Give me a freakin' break. I don't know ANY man that wanted out of a marriage so bad that he "decided" to become gay to do it. I feel like I'm in high school reading this stupidity.

 

I ended it but I am hoping that one day he would come over and tell me he wants a new life with me.

That might happen when his kids are grandparents. Don't lose hope.

 

She has emailed me before... trying to get me to tell her things about my life. I don't know how she got my email address.

Now here's the part I don't understand - according to your all-knowing mutual friends, MM and his wife have no emotion for each other. They don't even like each other. And yet, she CARES enough to try to find out who you are and what kind of a threat you pose to her family's security and her marriage. Funny, that.

 

Married man does not have a personal email, he emails me from his company's email account which no one can get access to (not his wife definitely) and he doesn't save my number in his handphone so she must have gone through a lot to get all my contact info.

Wow, all that effort for someone she doesn't even care for. Very odd.

 

You're talking as if you she's hurting... maybe she is but I honestly do not care for someone who doesn't take good care of her own children.

LOL...you can honestly sit and judge when you've played a HUGE part in the deception of this woman's life? You're KIDDING me, aren't you? So not only do you aid and abet her lying husband's behavior, but you judge her as well?

 

Oh, let me guess. AGAIN, it's all based on what HE says and what "mutual friends" say. Well - you can take THAT stuff to the bank, now can't you?

 

Regardless of whether they have a great marriage or she beats his loser ass every night (which she should) that doesn't give you 'permission' to have an affair with him, like you're all of a sudden justified in doing it because HER behavior gives you the authority.

[Owl]

If you really want out of this whole situation...tell his wife the truth the next time she calls/emails/txt's/whatevers.

 

Or better yet...take those flowers over to her house, and let her know that you thought they were sent to you by mistake.

 

That should get this situation out in the open and set it up for a resolution one way or another.

[serial muse]

His marriage is not the same anymore. I know a lot of times that's what a married man would say. I know him well enough to know that if he leaves, it will be because the love he had for her is no longer there. We share mutual friends and some of them have said that his wife doesn't feel the same for him now that she has all the things she wanted. Kids, a house and money to spend. The only thing that is keeping them together is the kids and that they have this image to keep, only for the sake of her parents because from what I heard, her last husband left her for someone else... and that someone is not even a female!

 

I know there isn't anything I can do at this moment except to keep it low. I know I will cave in when and if he comes over. In fact I woke up this morning with a bouquet of flowers on my front doorstep! I don't want to continue until I know for sure that it is over but at the same time I feel so lost. I ended it but I am hoping that one day he would come over and tell me he wants a new life with me.

 

Serial, I am not casting anything. I'm just saying because anything can happen in this world. There are people out there psychotic enough to do something to save their marriages/relationships. I am not calling his wife a psycho, just from what I have heard and read in another forum. There are crazy people out there, you know? Pretending to be a friend then ZAP! They kill you off, not literally but might as well be!

 

She has emailed me before... trying to get me to tell her things about my life. I don't know how she got my email address. Married man does not have a personal email, he emails me from his company's email account which no one can get access to (not his wife definitely) and he doesn't save my number in his handphone so she must have gone through a lot to get all my contact info.

 

How would you know she is hurting as well? I'm curious. Who really knows what is going on in their marriage? I don't know unless their friends tell me which some of them are really good friends of theirs and even that, that's what they say. You're talking as if you she's hurting... maybe she is but I honestly do not care for someone who doesn't take good care of her own children.

 

Oh, lc, of course I don't know whether she's hurting...and of course there are crazy people out there. You could be totally right. But I mean, there are crazy OW, too. But does that mean that you're crazy? Of course not! The point is, assumptions are dangerous - not because of bunny-boilers and crazy knife-wielding wives, per se, because it's too too easy to use them to stay in a bad situation that's hurting you.

 

I think the point I'm trying to make is that you don't know whether she's hurting, and your post contained some words - which you may not even be conscious of as you say them - that suggested you'd rather think she isn't, and so that you're leaning toward thinking she's a bad kind of person who doesn't take care of her children, neglects her husband and alienates all his friends.

 

That's understandable and human, but it's not going to give you useful information about where you are with him. You know? I'm really not bashing you - but it's crucial to be aware that what your MM is telling you about her motivations and attitude is coming from a person who has an agenda - and that is to protect himself. I don't know about the friends; but again, that doesn't necessarily mean anything either. I'd need to know who they are and what your relationship to them is - and what their relationship to her is - before I'd take any gossip from anyone about a third party without a giant grain of salt (I'm not saying you ought to tell us this information, just that that information really matters before making a judgment call). So all I'm saying is, don't assume ANYTHING. Their marriage could certainly be one of convenience, or hateful, or nasty. But it could also be full of buried hurts and baggage that both she and her husband have brought to the table and that those friends simply aren't privy to and he's not going to let you in on. And guess which situation is far more common and a lot more likely? They're human, too.

 

You see? It's just not an open book to anybody.

 

NOBODY knows - and that includes you, his friends, your friends, and everyone's family - what goes on in a relationship and what binds two people together, except for the two people involved. I know it's frustrating, when you need answers and want desperately to know what the true relationship is between you and MM, and MM and his wife. So in a situation like this, all you can do is look at actions, and decide accordingly.

 

And this is the bottom line - if you're not happy with how he's acting, there's a good chance that there's a reason for that. Go with your gut.

 

Listen, it's a common thing for a MM to alienate the two women in his life by telling them awful things about each other. I'm just saying, I understand that you want to believe what he's told you, even if you end the relationship. But in the long run, it's probably wiser to keep in mind that he's not telling you these things for you, he's telling you them for him. And that most likely whatever his wife knows about you is also coming from the horse's mouth.

Edited March 20, 2008 by serial muse

[Lyssa]

His marriage is not the same anymore. I know a lot of times that's what a married man would say. I know him well enough to know that if he leaves, it will be because the love he had for her is no longer there. We share mutual friends and some of them have said that his wife doesn't feel the same for him now that she has all the things she wanted. Kids, a house and money to spend. The only thing that is keeping them together is the kids and that they have this image to keep, only for the sake of her parents because from what I heard, her last husband left her for someone else... and that someone is not even a female!

 

I know there isn't anything I can do at this moment except to keep it low. I know I will cave in when and if he comes over. In fact I woke up this morning with a bouquet of flowers on my front doorstep! I don't want to continue until I know for sure that it is over but at the same time I feel so lost. I ended it but I am hoping that one day he would come over and tell me he wants a new life with me.

 

Serial, I am not casting anything. I'm just saying because anything can happen in this world. There are people out there psychotic enough to do something to save their marriages/relationships. I am not calling his wife a psycho, just from what I have heard and read in another forum. There are crazy people out there, you know? Pretending to be a friend then ZAP! They kill you off, not literally but might as well be!

 

She has emailed me before... trying to get me to tell her things about my life. I don't know how she got my email address. Married man does not have a personal email, he emails me from his company's email account which no one can get access to (not his wife definitely) and he doesn't save my number in his handphone so she must have gone through a lot to get all my contact info.

 

How would you know she is hurting as well? I'm curious. Who really knows what is going on in their marriage? I don't know unless their friends tell me which some of them are really good friends of theirs and even that, that's what they say. You're talking as if you she's hurting... maybe she is but I honestly do not care for someone who doesn't take good care of her own children.

 

Oh there is no disagreement there regarding psychotic people out here! There is a lot of them and if you're not careful, you might just end up being their victim or psychotic yourself!

 

Well, SM has really good points and please don't take what she says as bashing although I can say someone here can't seem to say things nicely . I don't have anything to add to what SM has already said.

 

You don't really know what's happening behind closed doors. MM could be saying things about his M to get you to stay, mutual friends could be saying it out of assumptions.. none of us can really tell.

 

People do get hurt - in any type of R. In As, W gets hurt.. OW gets hurt. You should know... you are hurting and so is she.