lonely_and_hurt Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I have posted this on the Infidelity board but thought maybe some WS might post on this board too ... apologies if its in the wrong place! Am new to posting on this board although i have been reading through it for a while now to gain some inspiration! Brief history .... DP of 5 years had a 6 months affair. D-Day was August 2007. Affair ended. Affair then started back up again shortly afterwards although no meetings, no sex - only texts and phone calls. DP then moved out to have "some space" ... in other words he couldnt give the affair up. During the last 5 months we have spent 2/3 evenings a week together, and weekends. We have had counselling but still he remained in contact with OW. After discussions with our counsellor and me finally putting my foot down ... DP has now given up OW. 31st January 2008 was the last contact he had with her. He now has no way on contacting her, and she has no way of contacting him (although needless to say she's non to pleased he is trying to work things out with me as he told her he hadnt seen me since he moved out in August). Anyway ... to cut a very long and painful story short ..... DP is suffering extreme withdrawal from his lost love of OW. He does believe he was in love with her but they cannot be together. So .... just wondering really, if anyone here has experiences the withdrawal phase that the WS can go through if they fell in love with with OW ?? How long does it last ? Is there anything I can do to help him go through this ? As much as I hate what he has done, as much as he has hurt me ..... Its awful to watch someone you love go through this DP says he is serious about rebuilding his relationship with me and wants me to give him a bit of time to "get over it" but still wants to see me 2/3 nights a week and weekends. He has also said he is planning on moving back home again by no later than easter because in his mind he will hopefully feel "better" by then. He doesnt want to move back home now while he is in this state because he doesnt feel it would be fair on me to watch him go through this ..... what he doesnt seem to realise is that I am going through it regardless of where he is living !! Any comments from anyone who has been through this, either as the WS or BS would be very very welcome. Just feel a bit in the "stuck" position right now Link to post Share on other sites
JessieT Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 If he was in love with her and isn't going to be with her, you have to see his feelings like a breakup of a relationship. You know what those feelings feel like, you've broken up with people before that you still loved. It'll last as long as it takes him to mourn a breakup. If you really want to help him, treat him like he's one of your friends that just broke up with someone. Well, that part of it at least, the rest of your relationship is going to be the two of you working to get back together. It makes it complicated and ugly and it's kind of you to support him, especially since you were betrayed by someone you love. And yes, he should be remorseful and do everything in his power to prove that it's you he wants to be with, but feelings are feelings, and he's feeling some right now. I don't know, be glad that he's willing to feel like this to be with you? Link to post Share on other sites
justice Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I have posted this on the Infidelity board but thought maybe some WS might post on this board too ... apologies if its in the wrong place! Am new to posting on this board although i have been reading through it for a while now to gain some inspiration! Brief history .... DP of 5 years had a 6 months affair. D-Day was August 2007. Affair ended. Affair then started back up again shortly afterwards although no meetings, no sex - only texts and phone calls. DP then moved out to have "some space" ... in other words he couldnt give the affair up. During the last 5 months we have spent 2/3 evenings a week together, and weekends. We have had counselling but still he remained in contact with OW. After discussions with our counsellor and me finally putting my foot down ... DP has now given up OW. 31st January 2008 was the last contact he had with her. He now has no way on contacting her, and she has no way of contacting him (although needless to say she's non to pleased he is trying to work things out with me as he told her he hadnt seen me since he moved out in August). Anyway ... to cut a very long and painful story short ..... DP is suffering extreme withdrawal from his lost love of OW. He does believe he was in love with her but they cannot be together. So .... just wondering really, if anyone here has experiences the withdrawal phase that the WS can go through if they fell in love with with OW ?? How long does it last ? Is there anything I can do to help him go through this ? As much as I hate what he has done, as much as he has hurt me ..... Its awful to watch someone you love go through this DP says he is serious about rebuilding his relationship with me and wants me to give him a bit of time to "get over it" but still wants to see me 2/3 nights a week and weekends. He has also said he is planning on moving back home again by no later than easter because in his mind he will hopefully feel "better" by then. He doesnt want to move back home now while he is in this state because he doesnt feel it would be fair on me to watch him go through this ..... what he doesnt seem to realise is that I am going through it regardless of where he is living !! Any comments from anyone who has been through this, either as the WS or BS would be very very welcome. Just feel a bit in the "stuck" position right now So sorry you are having to live through this. It varies as to how long withdrawal phase can last. You are going to have to be really strong and he is going to have to be even stronger and learn to let the feeling and the OW go in order to get past it. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Hi. I too am sorry you are going through this, it sounds awful. You sound very dedicated to your marriage and like you love your husband very much, for unselfish reasons, even when he's hurt you. We were talking on here yesterday about unconditional love, and I think you are an example of that. Is your husband in individual counseling? I think he might need it to understand how he could fall in love with someone while married yet not want to be with her enough to break up his marriage. It might help him examine his past decisions and realize he needs to change. The best thing he and you are doing, in my opinion, is making contact impossible. Over time he will realize that this is the best decision, and in my opinion, it is best for everyone involved... you don't need to worry about what he is saying to her/ doing with her, he needs time and space away from her to clear his head, and his OW doesn't deserve to still be on the string of a man who claims to love her so much. I am the former OW to a married man who claimed to love me but I broke off the A because he wasn't getting divorced (I apologize to you as I write this, I feel horrible for my previous actions... I just want to let you know where I'm coming from, on the other side of the perspective.) I think you are doing all that you can. You are being patient and supportive, and showing a lot more strength than most woudl in your situation. When he wakes up and realizes how much you've done for him, he will be extremely grateful. In the meantime, I think all you can do is take care of yourself and give yourself the love he hasn't shown you/ isn't shown you. I feel for you. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 SI forums has loads and loads of info on this subject that could help you. I'm sorry your going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonely_and_hurt Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 Thanks so much everyone for their replies. So sorry you are having to live through this. It varies as to how long withdrawal phase can last. You are going to have to be really strong and he is going to have to be even stronger and learn to let the feeling and the OW go in order to get past it. Yesterday he was very angry. Is this a stage ?? He text messaged me yesterday afternoon to say he was full of rage because everything she ever said to him was lies. He fell for the lies and he he cannot believe he did. He said sometimes its easier to try and convince himself it wasnt all lies, because the hurt of knowing they were lies is unbearable. The best thing he and you are doing, in my opinion, is making contact impossible. Over time he will realize that this is the best decision, and in my opinion, it is best for everyone involved... you don't need to worry about what he is saying to her/ doing with her, he needs time and space away from her to clear his head, and his OW doesn't deserve to still be on the string of a man who claims to love her so much. I am the former OW to a married man who claimed to love me but I broke off the A because he wasn't getting divorced (I apologize to you as I write this, I feel horrible for my previous actions... I just want to let you know where I'm coming from, on the other side of the perspective.) Nadia - There is no need to apologise to me for your previous affair. I am glad you posted to me "from the other side of the perspective". I think you are doing all that you can. You are being patient and supportive, and showing a lot more strength than most woudl in your situation. When he wakes up and realizes how much you've done for him, he will be extremely grateful. In the meantime, I think all you can do is take care of yourself and give yourself the love he hasn't shown you/ isn't shown you. I feel for you. Best wishes I do hope that when all this is finally over and he gets his head out of his own @rse ... then he will realise just how much he has dragged me through and what a fantastic person I am for standing by him in all this. At the moment thats not the case. But I do hope one day he will wake up from all this and be "extremely grateful" SI forums has loads and loads of info on this subject that could help you. SI forums ?? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Surviving Infidelity...google it... Link to post Share on other sites
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