he said his wife wants to leave him

[the leaf gatherer]

Hello, I haven't ever posted, but I have been reading about OW/MM relationships a lot lately here because I have somehow gotten involved with one. I am currently separated and have 2 kids. I met this man while running my business--we are both self-employed. It started out as friendship and I kept telling him I don't go out with married men. But he kept calling and damn it, I started to fall for him despite myself and before I knew it, I was hooked. I never wanted to be here and he kept saying the typical things that his marriage is bad, his wife has no time for him and they don't have sex and they share separate rooms/beds. They take vacations alone. They were separated for 3 years about 10 years ago and his friend advised him to go back to her. (She left him then.) Well we have been having this affair for about 6 months now and I told him I would never be happy being the OW and if thing are so bad with his wife, why does he stay? I mean, I left my husband, never cheated on him, because we were unhappy and I didn't want to end up hurting him in this way and didn't want to waste his or my time being togther when we could still go out and find someone mor suitable. Also I wanted us to remain friends and be close for our kids sake. Anyway, so why am I here being the ow now? Okay, so back to my question, he has been telling me he loves me and wants to be with me forever and ever and that he is in his comfort zone with his house etc. I said well if you are so comfortable, then why you always complaining about the wife? how is that comfortable if you are always fighting? Why not leave? He says he will lose money and his house. His kids are 16 and 18 My mind says he must have a reason to stay and that he isn't being honest with me. I also feel that he does care for me geniunely. He said he's never has such a close friend and never felt so much love. the pull of having somoene always calling and caring about what I think and feel and connecting with and also someone who has the same work interests and goals (we could and do work well together), it's so hard to understand if he cares so much for me, why he stays with his wife who he claims to dislike. Anyway, so he said he wants to be with me and last week he told me his wife said she wants to leave him. But he din't want to talk about it and now he's distant and acting like he wants to stay with her. I guess I need some perspective here. I think I know what I need to do but need some help or someone to talk to here. I am sad and feel like I am a fool to have believed. Also, he and I have combined our business, I work for him a lot and it really helps me get on my feet financially so I don't know if NC is good. I am stuck in a hard place. I need money but also I think I need to distance myself from him. At least to let him make a choice. And for me to get to a better place emotionally.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He stays because:

 

1. It is easier than leaving.

2. He does not want to start all over again.

3. His stuff is settled and arranged in the nest like he wants it.

4. He does not want to leave his home and start all over with a different one - packing twenty plus years of stuff is a real b*tch, you know?

5. He is used to the Dad thing after 18 years and does not want to downgrade to a part time parent, or be seen by his kids as the 'one who dumped mom'.

6. He is used to his wife, who is used to him. He can be truly himself with her: from farting, to burping, to the way he sleeps, to the way he scratches his nuts or ass in the comfort of his easy chair, and so on.

7. He does not want to pay alimony and therefore downgrade his quality of life.

 

... and so on. His wife has threated to leave, and yank that rug of comfort out from underneath him and he will fall all over himself to prevent that from happening. He will fight to keep her and his status quo, and in doing so must put all of his emotional energy into that. The affair was attractive to him when he was getting away with it, but I guess his wife got tired of him taking from her and giving to someone else and he realized that he could no longer afford to give to you emotionally. He has to reallocate now, and that means he has to cut you loose.

 

What will happen?

 

If his wife stays, chances are he will wait til things blow over and get comfortable again and he will likely see if he can get away with having an affair again.

 

If his wife leaves and divorces him against his will, he will likely plunge into depression and anger and wrongly direct it at you, and wrongly resent you for being the reason his marriage ended. Instead of being free to be with you, he will be with you for a while, but say that he needs 'space' and 'time' and so on. Then, in time he will begin to date and find someone new to start over with - someone who is far removed from the painful reminders of his marriage and his affair.

 

Where does this leave you? Right now, it leaves you with a choice: stay in this painful and dead end situation or walk away from it. Until he works through his marital problems, he will be emotionally useless to you. Maybe one day you can be together, but probably not until he gets his head and heart clear. Your best bet is to tell him that you love him, but that until he is emotionally free to be with you there is no point in remaining in contact. When he is divorced, and has his own place and is in some sort of therapy to work through his sh*t, then you can begin to think that you will be together. Otherwise, it is a waste of your emotional time and effort.

 

Then, you begin your own healing process. If he cares for you in a true sense, then he will make his way back to you legitimately: not because his wife dumped him and left him no choice, and not because he is on the rebound - but because he really wants to be with you.

[LILA BELL]

finally someone i can give advice to ...read my thread i am the OW who was having a affair with a MM he told me everything your MM told you ,W even left him he dumped me i feel as though im still in love with him .

 

they are back 2gether i work with MM and he hasnt been so nice to me lately but i miss him alot and even after the bad treatment he is giving me at work i still want to be with him

 

i know im not thinking right but part of me does not want to give up because what if we have a chance of really finding happiness so my advice to you is do what is best for you go with how you feel,thats what im doing

[nextel]

When a man wants to leave, there is nothing anyone can do or say to make him stay. There are very few things that change his mind and in my experience, its providing the necessary stability for the children. The age of his children will not stop him from moving on. He might lose the house, but he will get money out of it. At this point, the reasons he has given you sound to be more of an excuse than anything else.

 

Do you think you were mislead to believing that he was unhappy? Maybe he was but not because he did not love his wife anymore. Perhaps because she was living her life. Now that he has been doing the same, she probably feels they should go there separate ways and that might not be what he wants.

 

I say, maintain a working relationship with him in your business. When work is done, go your separate ways. Do not speak to him about your A, go on with your life. If he decides to come back, ask him the tough questions. Dont be afraid to lose something you never had in the first place.

[the leaf gatherer]

Hi, thank you for the thoughtful advice so far. I have been thinking of just not mentioning any emotions or feelings and avoiding the places we used to go together to have our private time and letting him go and not making a big deal. Because discussing it is just a way of staying and giving him a chance to convince me to stay. And so I would just work. One of the problems is that he has his business with a partner. And the partner and he hired me to do work with them on an as needed basis and I also manage selling antiques for them. He doesn't want his partner to know and his partner says I am the best person they have ever hired and he would wonder what happened if I left so suddenly--one, because I love the work and two, because he might figure out what was up.

 

In the beginning, MM said he wanted to help me out by giving me work and he said doesn't it show he is sincerly my friend if he is always helping me out? He says, why am I in such a hurry for a relationship and why can't I wait? I said I cannot wait for my heart to be broken, why not come back to me if and when you are freed up?

 

His wife doesn't know that he is having an affair, she said she wants to leave because they are always fighting and never get along etc etc. She told him to go get a girlfriend (or that is what he said she said) because she didn't want to have sex with him. I think she is waiting for her other kid to leave for college and then she's going to leave. I don't want to be a consolation prize though.

[the leaf gatherer]

Hi nextel,

I only feel deceived in the "i love you" and "I want to be with you for ever and ever" talk. I think he really is unhappy, it seems like genuine unhappiness. He tells me stories about their fights and interactions that happen every day that are believeable. I can question him about the fights days later and he is consistent about details, so I don't think he is lying.

 

I am so confused that he wouldn't want to leave something so bad? Do we forget how bad things are and just get used to it? To me as an outsider looking it, it looks and sounds bad. I have met his daughter (worked with her once) and she was making comments on the phone to a friend about her parents fighting too.

[bentnotbroken]

finally someone i can give advice to ...read my thread i am the OW who was having a affair with a MM he told me everything your MM told you ,W even left him he dumped me i feel as though im still in love with him .

 

they are back 2gether i work with MM and he hasnt been so nice to me lately but i miss him alot and even after the bad treatment he is giving me at work i still want to be with him

 

i know im not thinking right but part of me does not want to give up because what if we have a chance of really finding happiness so my advice to you is do what is best for you go with how you feel,thats what im doing

 

 

You advise? What are you going to advise her to do, since you are in a bit of a jam yourself

[whichwayisup]

Your best bet is tell him that you can't and won't be the OW anymore as long as he is still with his wife. This isn't about HIM, this is about you. His reasons of staying are his, and honestly, whether or not you agree with his choice isn't his problem, it's yours. So, either stay as the OW (if you want) or get out, make your relationship with him strickly professional.

 

You took a chance by getting involved with him from the start, knowing he was married and knowing that you'd be working with him. If others find out, or figure it out, well, that's just part the consquences of having an affair.

 

She told him to go get a girlfriend (or that is what he said she said) because she didn't want to have sex with him.

 

Okay, so if she's told him this, why doesn't he just tell her about you? That he does now have a girlfriend. The thing is, he is LYING to her, so yes, he will lie abit here and there to you, let alone exaggerate things to benefit him, make him look better in your eyes.

 

Listen to your gut. If he is telling you one thing and doing another - His actions are showing you he likes TWO women in his life, meeting all his needs. Why would he give one up? He has the comfort of his own home, a wife to keep him fed, do the stuff in the house, keep his family under one roof, doesn't have to disrupt his kids lives, let alone lose out on family functions, friends and their lifestyle he's used to.

 

The choice is really yours.

[nextel]

Hi nextel,

I only feel deceived in the "i love you" and "I want to be with you for ever and ever" talk. I think he really is unhappy, it seems like genuine unhappiness. He tells me stories about their fights and interactions that happen every day that are believeable. I can question him about the fights days later and he is consistent about details, so I don't think he is lying.

 

I am so confused that he wouldn't want to leave something so bad? Do we forget how bad things are and just get used to it? To me as an outsider looking it, it looks and sounds bad. I have met his daughter (worked with her once) and she was making comments on the phone to a friend about her parents fighting too.

 

 

 

All that is irrelevant. You have a life to live, a living to make. Leave well enough alone. If love aint loving you back, leave it alone.