lulugirl Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 There's a new guy at work and I was immediately attracted to him. On top of it, we make each other laugh all the time, send silly emails to each other all day....and he clearly has a flirtatious personality....not so overt, but for a MARRIED guy, he flirts maybe a bit too much (and he does flirt with/chat up other women, too, I've noticed( Right away, he and I seemed to click. We always eat lunch together. He knows I'm half french and has taken to speaking french to me (not that he speaks it well), spelling my name the French way, and he has asked me who my "type is". Well, I just found out last week that he is suddenly NOT going away with his wife (of 9 months, it turns out) to her home country as planned for the holidays....a few days ago he was talking about this trip, and literally 2 days later, she's going and he is not...but i didn't really probe as to why as I assume something is awry there. He went alone somewhere else. During some emails last week, he mentioned a guy friend and I asked if he was single, as I am looking for a single guy and I'm really not sure what's going with this guy. Well, he never repsonded at all to the question. He has made comments about these boots I was wearing and said something about me naked (we were leaving work, and walking with someone else) Anyhow. I sense, and have sensed, a possible attraction or interest, on my part, and perhaps on his.... Obviously a guy in this positon is raw/vulnerable......I realize his "status" is unclear/unavailable right now, but if he does actually separate and plan to divorce, is he then fair game? Does this have the makings of an emotional affair??? It is already starting to be painful and VERY distracting for me...... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Stay away from him. He isn't worth messing with, let alone falling for. He is married and acting really selfish and stupid by flirting with you, opening the door a crack. Seriously, why not come right out NOW ask him this. "If you and I are going to have sex, get together and have some fun, I expect you right now to leave your wife and get a divorce." Watch him run......... Stay strong and end the flirty-game with him. If you continue, you'll have noone to blame but yourself as you KNOW he is married, and obviously is not telling you the truth about his wife, or what their marriage is really like behind closed doors. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Not sure what he's thinking? Oh, come on, girl. It seems pretty obvious to me. The real question is, What are YOU thinking? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lulugirl Posted January 10, 2008 Author Share Posted January 10, 2008 but I'd never (I don't think I have the courage, or could risk the potential embarassment/humiliation) say anything directly to him, although I sort of fantasize about him and have had several dreams about him. A guy friend at work notices his flirting with other women, too. But if he were to ever make a move or suggest something, I would likely respond in kind.....I just don't know if he'd actually cheat or if he's just playing mind games with me. His wife is now back in town, but I know nothing beyond that. I want him, and part of me wants something to happen, as painful and rocky as that would probably end up being. Just not sure if he's really interested in something REALLY happening, ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Something else to think about...Your work reputation. Do you want to be known as the girl who sleeps with married men? Take some time to read other threads in this section, as well as in the infidelity section. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lulugirl Posted January 10, 2008 Author Share Posted January 10, 2008 Something else to think about...Your work reputation. Do you want to be known as the girl who sleeps with married men? Take some time to read other threads in this section, as well as in the infidelity section. I would hope that would NEVER become fodder for discussion.....I'd never tell anyone at work. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 You don't have to tell anyone at work. Chances are they see you two cozing it up and flirting anyway, spending time together, going out to lunch, so I'm sure many of them assume something is going on or something IS going to happen. You cannot control what others see and pick up on, especially if you and him are flirting and it's sexually charged as well. Most aren't stupid, and many love to gossip. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lulugirl Posted January 10, 2008 Author Share Posted January 10, 2008 You don't have to tell anyone at work. Chances are they see you two cozing it up and flirting anyway, spending time together, going out to lunch, so I'm sure many of them assume something is going on or something IS going to happen. You cannot control what others see and pick up on, especially if you and him are flirting and it's sexually charged as well. Most aren't stupid, and many love to gossip. But we almost always have lunch with others, too....we eat in the cafeteria. No one knows we email each other so much...and b/c he's friendly and sort of flirty with women in general, I don't think I'm singled out so much. I don't know. A few people may notice it, but they also know he's married, and i'm not sure he's regarded as the kind of guy who'd cheat. But maybe I under-or over-estimate people! The crazy thing is he has to be out for a week, maybe more, d/t minor surgery he needs....and i know I will miss the attention, the looking foward to seeing him feeling I have every day. How do I resist the urge to text him while he's out?????? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 No one knows we email each other so much Well, if your IT department monitors emails, then yes, chances are they know you two are emailing alot... Look, this guy is married and you two are playing a very dangerous game. Are you looking for an affair with him? Are you looking for an ego feed and attention? Or are you inlove with him, hoping he will leave his wife for you? Have you thought at all about consquences? You just tell yourself HE IS MARRIED AND NOT UP FOR GRABS. Rise above it and be the better person. Focus on yourself, your friends, family, single guys...Not him as he is married and all this will just lead to alot of trouble and pain. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 I want him, and part of me wants something to happen, as painful and rocky as that would probably end up being. Just not sure if he's really interested in something REALLY happening, ya know? If you're interested then go for it. But first consider carefully if it really is what you want. The guy is married - do you want to be his OW? You might want to read some of the threads here to get a sense of what might be involved in that - yes it's a rush with a lot of pleasures, but also a lot of heartache and depending on the people and the situation, its more one than another. Make sure you know what you're getting into before you go down that road. He's a work colleague - are you happy to live with all the consequences of that, both formal and informal? (the gossip, as well as any action if you're overstepping any company policies, or as a result of spending too much time flirting when you should be working, etc) He's married and he's new, so he has a lot more to lose than you in showing his had on this - so chances are he's watching you carefully to see how you react and whether YOU'RE interested. Think carefully about what it is you want because once you head down this road, things can go to unexpected places very very quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Obviously a guy in this positon is raw/vulnerable......I realize his "status" is unclear/unavailable right now, but if he does actually separate and plan to divorce, is he then fair game? Does this have the makings of an emotional affair??? It is already starting to be painful and VERY distracting for me...... Not sure why you think he might be raw/vulnerable... because he hasn't gone on the holiday he is supposed to have gone on? There could be any number of reasons for that, and if he's busy flirting with you, you're not going to know the real one. You ask whether he would be 'fair game' if he was separated and planning on divorcing? Perhaps then, yes. But he does sound like someone who needs his ego stroked big time, otherwise why all the flirting? Do you really want a man like that? Any situation like this has the potential to turn into an affair, of course. The question is, is it worth it? Affairs at work almost always turn into a nightmare. People know. And when/if his W finds out, the brown stuff will hit the air conditioning big time. And if you and he have to part for any other reason, you'll have to face seeing him every single day you go to work. Til you find another job. Sound promising, or not..? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 He's been married less than a year, is already cheating (and from the way you describe him, its hardly his first time), tries to sleep with coworkers, and wants to hook you into a position where your "love" will be based on how well he can continue to lie and cheat? I'm not sure why you want him. You stand to lose on all counts emotionally and professionally (and yes, trust me - coworkers know when something is going on particularly when they see a seasoned philanderer work the girls at the office - they probably think you are already sleeping together and tittering about it behind your back). He's not raw or vulnerable, but you obviously are if you are falling for this crap - and I'm sure he knows it and will fully exploit it. Link to post Share on other sites
justice Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 My ex husband's affair started in the workplace. The woman he was seeing got fired because of it, although the employer used another excuse to fire her because of the sexual harrassment clause. Very soon after it became known about their affair, (this is a small town) no one would hire the ow. Her name became synonymous with sl-t. Please stop this thing before it starts. This man sounds like a serial cheater. You don't want the reputation this will give you. Clean up your act now before his wife and you end up getting hurt really bad by this jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 He sounds more like a challenge (for you to get him before the other girls do) more than a love interest. Actually, he seems really easy to get (telling people he is married, but acting single, etc.). These types of guys are easy to get into bed, but once had, you may not want him. And therefore, are not the types you want to mess with. I would stay away from him - he doesn't seem like quality goods. Link to post Share on other sites
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 What a creep - working his way through the office women and only married 9 months. WHY you even bother with this pig is beyond me. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 My God major creep alert! I agree that people at work have probably already been giggling and gossiping behind your backs about how you're his latest fling. And what the heck is this about: 'a guy in this positon is raw/vulnerable' Lol lol!!! He has REALLY worked a number on you! That's might apply to his WIFE tho, bet shes pretty vulnerable right now after being treated like this a few months into her M. He's clearly an experienced cheater and sounds very manipulative to me. That, girl, is why you feel all crazy about him and are crushing on him - he's pretty much grooming you for an A and seems like its 100% working. From the comments he's made its all about the sex/conquest to him too, rather than a love thing. Best option would be to avoid this guy...the other option is to become his office conquest and be the latest office gossip - 'she's banging that M guy'. Don't lower yourself!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Flirting CAN be fun if it's meant in the right way - Innocent and just complimentary. Flirting with sexual intent and it being sexually charged is NOT flattering, especially coming from a married guy. If I were in your shoes I would not be flattered at all, to think, all this guy wants from me is to bang me. If you are thinking "relationship, or love" forget it! This guy doesn't "love you" nor does he want a full-on relationship with you. Please think before jumping into his arms. Link to post Share on other sites
dmbcrashn2me Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 Hi Lulu, I'm fairly new to this online messageboard thing, but I saw your post and felt the need to leave a comment or two. Truth is, I'm in the same situation with a guy at my job. The only difference being that your guy is married and mine is divorced, but still "dating" his ex-wife. (I'm still trying to figure out how that one works...) We do the whole watching/gazing, talking, flirting, touching/massaging each others' shoulders, kissing on the cheek when no one's looking, emailing, text-messaging, eating lunch when we can both get a break at the same time thing. When I'm not at work, he'll call to see what I'm up to or we'll talk about how our day has gone and I'll admit, I look forward to those calls. I find myself thinking about him quite a bit and wondering if he is just testing me to see how far this could get or if he's really feeling anything towards me. It was even more confusing when we were having lunch one afternoon and he leaned in to kiss me. I've never seen him act this way with any other coworker. (but that doesn't mean it has never happened.) I guess what I'm saying is...when you're running with scissors, it's all fun and games until someone falls and pokes an eye out--or in our cases, a heart. I've spoken to many a friend about this and for the most part they all say "just go with the flow and see what happens"...but I've started backing away from the situation a bit. I felt him do the same after the kiss thing backfired on him...I wanted to, (like REALLY wanted to) but I just didn't feel right about it. I will probably resist the impulse to ask about his relationship with the gf/wife? as it is sort of irrelevant at this point. I think that I love the attention but I've been in an excrutiatingly long situation in the past where confusion wreaked havoc on my life and I'm NOT trying to go back there....so I guess all I'm saying is, know your boundaries with this guy. Make up your mind how far you want it to go and stick to it. Only you know the situation completely. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted January 14, 2008 Share Posted January 14, 2008 There's a new guy at work and I was immediately attracted to him. On top of it, we make each other laugh all the time, send silly emails to each other all day....and he clearly has a flirtatious personality....not so overt, but for a MARRIED guy, he flirts maybe a bit too much (and he does flirt with/chat up other women, too, I've noticed( Right away, he and I seemed to click. We always eat lunch together. He knows I'm half french and has taken to speaking french to me (not that he speaks it well), spelling my name the French way, and he has asked me who my "type is". Well, I just found out last week that he is suddenly NOT going away with his wife (of 9 months, it turns out) to her home country as planned for the holidays....a few days ago he was talking about this trip, and literally 2 days later, she's going and he is not...but i didn't really probe as to why as I assume something is awry there. He went alone somewhere else. During some emails last week, he mentioned a guy friend and I asked if he was single, as I am looking for a single guy and I'm really not sure what's going with this guy. Well, he never repsonded at all to the question. He has made comments about these boots I was wearing and said something about me naked (we were leaving work, and walking with someone else) Anyhow. I sense, and have sensed, a possible attraction or interest, on my part, and perhaps on his.... Obviously a guy in this positon is raw/vulnerable......I realize his "status" is unclear/unavailable right now, but if he does actually separate and plan to divorce, is he then fair game? Does this have the makings of an emotional affair??? It is already starting to be painful and VERY distracting for me...... Hi Lulu, I really suspect here that this guy is messing with you for the ego boost that you are provding for him. I got messed up in a long drawn out ea with a mm, and looking back all I was to him was a big ego boost! I was hurt very bad by the whole mess.... nothing good came from it! So, think about how much pain and suffering your willing to take here because that's what will happen! Why are you even wasting your time on someone who is clearly comimtted to another woman? What about your professional reputation? You really need to think here! Good luck! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
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