bluejeanbebe Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Quick summary: We've been together about a year, and it started out as an affair. About 5 months ago, they separated, he moved in with me, and they are in the process of separating everything, finances and such, and the divorce. We are still not 'out', with his family or mine, until at least the divorce is final. In the process of his separation, he did mention to her that he had occasionally seen someone, and the last serious talk they had, she asked him if he 'was still seeing that person', and he said 'on occasion'. (of course she has no idea that he has moved in with someone, particularly a girlfriend, she thinks he's staying with a guy friend). Anyway, one of these days his divorce will be final and we will be 'out'. It's frustrating, but I'm trying to be patient/supportive/loving/etc, especially since there are kids involved. In the future there will be family gatherings, I'm sure. And I'm sure he will be there, I will be there, and she will be there, with the kids. I don't know her, obviously, so I have no idea if she will suspect anything of me. I could be 'that person' or I could be a brand-new girlfriend. My question is, if introduced, what is the polite thing to say? Is there a polite thing to say? I seriously fear even seeing this woman, nevertheless ~talking~ to her even in friendly circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Quick summary: We've been together about a year, and it started out as an affair. About 5 months ago, they separated, he moved in with me, and they are in the process of separating everything, finances and such, and the divorce. We are still not 'out', with his family or mine, until at least the divorce is final. In the process of his separation, he did mention to her that he had occasionally seen someone, and the last serious talk they had, she asked him if he 'was still seeing that person', and he said 'on occasion'. (of course she has no idea that he has moved in with someone, particularly a girlfriend, she thinks he's staying with a guy friend). Anyway, one of these days his divorce will be final and we will be 'out'. It's frustrating, but I'm trying to be patient/supportive/loving/etc, especially since there are kids involved. In the future there will be family gatherings, I'm sure. And I'm sure he will be there, I will be there, and she will be there, with the kids. I don't know her, obviously, so I have no idea if she will suspect anything of me. I could be 'that person' or I could be a brand-new girlfriend. My question is, if introduced, what is the polite thing to say? Is there a polite thing to say? I seriously fear even seeing this woman, nevertheless ~talking~ to her even in friendly circumstances. May I ask a question? Why haven't you two come out to your family or his? Are you proud of him and he of you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluejeanbebe Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 yes we are proud- just not how we met and began things. my sister and step-dad know and have met him, but they aren't judgemental. My mother is the queen of judgemental and I will spare him from her rath as long as possible. we are trying to keep the infidelity as quiet as possible, so we will not be announcing ourselves until it deems 'appropriate'. He and I would rather me be known as 'the new girlfriend' after the divorce instead of 'the other woman'. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I would hope your MM takes his time introducing you to the rest of his family, let alone, to his kids. I mean, does he expect the kids to meet you, accept you right away when they come see him at your house? Maybe he needs to consider their little feelings in this, get a place of his own. Or is he planning on spending time with them at his soon to be ex-wifes house? I'm not too sure how far ahead you and him have thought this out. Bottomline is, his wife isn't stupid and it won't take her long to figure out he's been seeing you for a quite a while, especially if you plan on being at all the family gatherings in the near future. The thing is, if he has been seeing you BEFORE they decided to separate then this could be more of an issue, than if he started seeing you while separated. Especially since the D isn't finalized yet...Is this another concern and why you two are keeping things quiet? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 He and I would rather me be known as 'the new girlfriend' after the divorce instead of 'the other woman'. Again, his wife isn't stupid, I'm sure she will figure it out. Unfortunately being tagged as the OW and him a cheater just comes with the affair and the consquences OF the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I think you're both doing the smart thing... not too quick with the introduction of the family... until the divorce is final... If I were you... I would want to be introduced as the new girlfriend.. not the OW while he was married... just to be on the safe and 'friendly' side with the ex... Since there are children involved...you all (W, you and him) need to be careful... they are kids and they need to be protected from any harmful situation. They DO NOT need to know any details of the A.. or anything about the separation... they are kids.. it has nothing to do with them.. so they have to be spared the details... I think, in this whole situation, the kids should come first... so holding the 'secret' for both is primordial... IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Quick summary: We've been together about a year, and it started out as an affair. About 5 months ago, they separated, he moved in with me, and they are in the process of separating everything, finances and such, and the divorce. We are still not 'out', with his family or mine, until at least the divorce is final. In the process of his separation, he did mention to her that he had occasionally seen someone, and the last serious talk they had, she asked him if he 'was still seeing that person', and he said 'on occasion'. (of course she has no idea that he has moved in with someone, particularly a girlfriend, she thinks he's staying with a guy friend). Anyway, one of these days his divorce will be final and we will be 'out'. It's frustrating, but I'm trying to be patient/supportive/loving/etc, especially since there are kids involved. In the future there will be family gatherings, I'm sure. And I'm sure he will be there, I will be there, and she will be there, with the kids. I don't know her, obviously, so I have no idea if she will suspect anything of me. I could be 'that person' or I could be a brand-new girlfriend. My question is, if introduced, what is the polite thing to say? Is there a polite thing to say? I seriously fear even seeing this woman, nevertheless ~talking~ to her even in friendly circumstances. I wouldn't worry right now...You never know how it will go...I'm divorced and honestly, I only see my XH sometimes when he drops or picks the kids up...And he has only seen my BF once and I've only seen the OM a handful of times...There may not be very many family gatherings also...We do separate parties and holidays... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 OP since you're new here, be careful putting out too much info that you could be identified with... Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 My question is, if introduced, what is the polite thing to say? Is there a polite thing to say? I seriously fear even seeing this woman, nevertheless ~talking~ to her even in friendly circumstances. Put out your hand and say, "I'm very happy to meet you." You set the standard that you would like her to follow. If she is a woman of dignity and grace she will follow suit. If she is not then she will be the one to fumble and you will shine. You've got to put your best foot forward. After all, you will be seeing her the rest of your life if you marry MM, right? So, you've got to make the best of it from the start. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 His STBXW may decide to avoid family gatherings if she knows he is taking someone else, even if she thinks you are a 'new' girlfriend. My Mum avoids as many of these functions as possible rather than having to go through the awkwardness of being in the same room as my Dad and his GF. She has nothing against her (just him!) as he met her after they split up (although q a while before the D). The GF is nice enough, it just makes my Mum feel uncomfortable. Also, certain family members are quite insensitive to the whole situation (not having been through the same thing) which just makes things even harder. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Anyway, one of these days his divorce will be final and we will be 'out'. It's frustrating, but I'm trying to be patient/supportive/loving/etc, especially since there are kids involved. In the future there will be family gatherings, I'm sure. And I'm sure he will be there, I will be there, and she will be there, with the kids. I don't know her, obviously, so I have no idea if she will suspect anything of me. I could be 'that person' or I could be a brand-new girlfriend. My question is, if introduced, what is the polite thing to say? Is there a polite thing to say? I seriously fear even seeing this woman, nevertheless ~talking~ to her even in friendly circumstances. Post ANY divorce, in my experience, both partners tend to do some sherlock holmes work to find out whether the other will be there, and then attend or send excuses accordingly. And, that's sometimes pre-empted by the hosts inviting only one and not both sides of the split family - eg the parent who'll have the kids on that day, to "let the other one have some time to themselves". My MM introduced me to his family from the outset - they're very close - and they were very welcoming and supportive. I've been to family gatherings where I'm usually introduced just by name - the role becomes apparent as we walk in holding hands or whatever - and people tend to take the lead from us. If we're comfortable in being treated as a couple - and we are - they do so. Were we to pretend to be "just friends" they'd no doubt follow suit. No one has ever been judgmental as they all have his best interests at heart and are so relieved that he's found someone he loves who treats him "right". Given your choice not to "out" yourselves yet though you might have to agree a "back story" before you do, as the family is almost certain to ask, "so, how did you meet?" and you'll have to agree how much or how little to say! Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 This whole situation is real sad. She wants to be seen as the girlfriend but not the OW??? Does it matter, at any rate someone is gonna bust you two together and put it together. Why couldnt you wait until his divorce to start dating him, why participate or be an accomplice to the destruction for his marriage. If your big enough to do it, you should be big enough to live it. Just my .02 Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 If your big enough to do it, you should be big enough to live it. But people don't have to put themselves out there to be the whipping post of gossip and public opinion, and for many other reasons. And that fact is why the so-called 'data' on affair partners getting together is unbelievable. But bluejeanbebe, I think you're over-thinking this all, or something. It's something I used to worry about all the time: how would I lie and 'explain away' some concocted back-story of having met recently when I'm a hopeless liar anyway, and family members would see right through me? Your affair was very brief, a few months, before he separated. How long will it be until his divorce comes through and you begin introducing each other to family members? How come no one knows about either of you but you live in the same house? Do you use caller ID when family members call..? And like another poster I'm wondering how he is managing child access if he has no place of his own and you're still keeping your relationship secret? It seems to me that there are more questions to be dealt with than what you would say to his (ex)W when you are introduced? I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
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