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OW anger vs MM anger


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I've read with interest the reaction of women to the pain of other women especially in regard to the ending of affairs. I was a MM. I ended the affair about 5 years ago. It was my choice to end the affair. My wife did not find out and threaten me. I realized that the affair was poisonous to my life. I was not the instigator nor the pursuer. The OW was. When it began I was feeling very bad about myself. By the time it ended I was ready to kill myself. Though the other woman was the person who initiated everything it was still my fault that I agreed to her wants. As someone said here recently an affair begins as a series of bad choices. Each little step makes the next little step easier and soon you are in quicksand that will pull you under.

 

The OW did not want things to end. When I ended it I tried to make things easy. I told her that I wanted to work on my marriage. She wanted to remain friends like that was going to happen. She continued to call and write for many months after I terminated the relationship.

 

After I ended the affair I told my wife about what had occurred. I knew my life would never again be the same. My attitude toward myself would never be the same. My wife would probably leave me. My family would know. I would lose everything I valued most.

 

I want you to know that even if the MM does not lose his wife he has lost much. He has lost his self-respect. He has lost the look of uncomplicated love in his wife's eyes. He has lost the complete trust his wife once had. He has experienced the pain his wife has suffered knowing that pain was his fault. He has lost more than you can imagine. What he lost will possibly never be completely regained.

 

I was lucky. My wife didn't leave me. It's been about five years now and things are good between us. My family never found out because my wife never told anyone. But I will never again view a woman who "needs a friend to talk to" in the same light. I will forever be suspicious of women who are friendly knowing I am married.

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Hi

It's like reading my husband's story, they were 'friends' before they had an affair, she talked to him as she needed someone to talk to, I don't even know this woman, and he couldn't have known her that long, so where on earth were her own friends?

 

Unfortunately my husband left me in June, he was in love with her, she is married also, and has family, not sure how old her kids are, we don't have children, so made it easier for him to go.

 

I spoke to the other woman on the phone, she denied an affair of course, but said to me that I had to move on, I was the cause of my husband's unhappiness. She said she was counselling my husband, strange that, it's not her line of work.

 

He has fallen hook line and sinker for her, stupid selfish man, and the OW is a completely stupid bitch if she thinks my husband, who never wanted kids, would take hers on.

 

He has not, as far as I know, regretted the affair, an affair that was started when he decided he was unhappy in our marriage, a fact that I wasn't aware of.

 

He admits that the 'friendship' started and moved on from that when he was very vulnerable, not a word that I would ever use to describe my husband.

 

I blame my husband for the affair, but she, the predator, is also to blame. I hope to hell her husband catches her, and leaves her and takes the kids with him, then she will know the hurt and anguish I have been through.

 

So for all of you OW out there, think about the hurt you cause and the domino effect it has on families, before you embark on an affair with a MM. I have no sympathy when you get hurt by them.

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Oh my, some powerful words littleflower. I'm sorry for the pain your husband caused you. You seem Very angry and you have every right to be.

 

Fisherman, it's good that you own up to your own mistakes and do not put all the blame on the OW.

 

I am the OW and as of right now, the MM doesn't seem to care--or at least claims--about hurting his wife. In the beginning, he felt very guilty about what he was doing. He was the pursuer. He broke it off with me after the first few weeks, but by the end of that day, contacted me and said he cannot end it. I thought "okay then." I have since tried ending it but cannot. I don't know how to explain why myself and other OW engage in affairs with MM. We know it's not right, but if the spouse is unhappy, they should find a way to be happy. I'm not saying having an affair is the solution--cheating is never the answer. Working on the marriage should be first priority. Some spouses find that abuse--whether it be alcholol. excessive shopping, drugs, eating disorder, bad depression, or cheating, is their way of escaping the pain they are enduring from their marriage. Some spouses use these as excuses to get out of a bad marriage.

 

I have a thought right now that sometimes it isn't the BS's fault--but that the unfailthful, "unhappy" spouse for some reason feels like a failure in the marriage and escapes. Unfortunatley yeah, it's a domino effect of pain for not only the BS and children, if any, but for the rest of the family. I think just like any other addiction or bad behavoior, cheating is waht this person knows best on how to fix a problem, It's unfortunate, but it happens just like drugs and alcohol ruin a person's life.

 

My theory is, don't get married. I've seen so many marriages destroyed for whatever reason, yet here I am contributing to destroying a marriage--I'm out of control. This is my addiction, and cheating on his wife is his. I don't know why human beings have such awful addictions that possess our lives. I truly believe that cheating on a spouse / children fits into the same category as someone who has depression or an addiction.

 

That's just my opinion.

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I don't think I have ever been around a person who contradicts themselves as much as you do. You seem so sure at times about your involvement and at other times you seem not to know what you are doing or saying. It is very confusing.:confused:

 

It's called being confused. And I have come to more realizations than a week or two ago. This thread isn't about me, so let's not go there. Thanks. :)

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All I said was YOU confuse me. It wasn't an attack, it is an honest statement on my part. You are confusing.:confused: You don't have to be snippy. My day is good, how's yours?

 

Not being snippy--I'm just telling you it's because I'm confused, and I don't want this thread to be about me because it's not fair to the poster. That's all. My day's great, and yours?

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Hi Fisherman,

Thanks for sharing your story/ experience with us. I admire you for doing the right thing for your family. It must have been hard on OW when you ended things with her. Even though she persued you, you certainly did not walk away, so I also admire your honesty and candor in admitting your responsibility for the affair. Your wife must have been so hurt, she is so strong to stay with you and trust you again -- you are very lucky to have her, as it sounds like you know. :) It sounds like you have learned a lot and have a much stronger character as well, due to realizing you were doing the wrong thing, changing, thinking about what led you to do it, and being determined to never do it again. I relate to you on that level. (I'm a former OW -- I ended it). I feel everyone's pain in your story, most especially W, but also OW, b/c it sounds like she really loved you, and you seem to place most of the blame on her and also some anger. Your story is a good example of how an affair hurts *everyone* -- W, OW, MM, the kids, etc. Thanks for sharing it with us. ~Nadia.

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Hi Fisherman,

I feel everyone's pain in your story, most especially W, but also OW, b/c it sounds like she really loved you, and you seem to place most of the blame on her and also some anger. Your story is a good example of how an affair hurts *everyone* -- W, OW, MM, the kids, etc. Thanks for sharing it with us. ~Nadia.

I understand that you feel for the OW however I do not any longer. I also do not believe that she loved me. She wanted me which is a different thing. Many people confuse want or desire or even lust for love. They are not. I don't have any anger towards her anymore or at least no anger I am aware of. I only think of her if my wife brings something up which rarely happens anymore.

 

As for blame I blame myself for being a fool.

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I understand that you feel for the OW however I do not any longer. I also do not believe that she loved me. She wanted me which is a different thing. Many people confuse want or desire or even lust for love. They are not. I don't have any anger towards her anymore or at least no anger I am aware of. I only think of her if my wife brings something up which rarely happens anymore.

 

As for blame I blame myself for being a fool.

 

but you are here, so you are thinking about her. I'm confused why You had anger toward her? YOu even admitted yourself that you were wrong--even though she pursued you. Last time I checked, men were allowed to say NO and mean NO.

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I understand that you feel for the OW however I do not any longer. I also do not believe that she loved me. She wanted me which is a different thing. Many people confuse want or desire or even lust for love. They are not. I don't have any anger towards her anymore or at least no anger I am aware of. I only think of her if my wife brings something up which rarely happens anymore.

 

As for blame I blame myself for being a fool.

 

 

It was not right of her to go after someone who did not belong to her, especially out of lust (even if it were love, I agree that that would also be wrong). I've come to realize that if every woman respected other women and the insitution of marriage, men couldn't have affairs because there would be no women pursuing married men or willing to have an affair with a married man who is pursuing them. In that sense I can see how some people always blame OW over MM (I'm not saying that's you... you're obviously saying it was mutual blame. I blame both equally, no matter what the circumstances, because no one can MAKE one person do something else -- it definitely takes two to tango. But I really think that if women stayed STRONG and respectful of each other, no matter what feelings of "love" or "lust" or "loneliness", etc., the world would be a much better place).

 

If you don't mind me asking, why do you think you gave into her? You enjoyed the ego stroking and you also wanted her? You had genuine feelings for her? I'm not trying to judge you, I am just really curious into the mind of an MM who had an affair but who obviously loves his wife, and curious about how these things happen (I know how it can happen b/c I let it happen to me... but I wonder if these situations are always the same). Again, I admire you for doing the right thing. It's good that you've let go of anger, and it sounds like your wife has too. :)

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GreenEyedLady

OP:

 

I am wondering why if you are so happily married now, that you bring your story to a support board for OW? What is exactly is your goal?

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GEL, he has every right to do so. I suspect he's got some latent resentments and anger towards the OW and needs support/validation, which I'm more than happy to provide.

 

Fisherman, you're another lucky man, that your wife was willing to stay with you and work through the situation. Always keep it in mind and if the situation ever arises again, that you should feel tempted, bring this thought to the forefront, once again. :)

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I was wondering what your aim was by your post too. I knew I would go against the grain with my opinions, and seeing as you didnt ask for any I didnt share my own. Are you trying to enlighten us to the pain and anguish a MM goes through after an affair??

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Gwyneth, I am here because my wife was reading on this board and pointed out to me the anger that OW have. The words she read to me were about an OW saying the MM didn't lose anything at the end of the affair if the wife stayed with him. My point is that the MM loses a great deal regardless of the outcome with his wife.

 

Nadia, my wife and I were having difficulties. Now I know that those difficulties were primarily of my own making. I missed the easy friendship my wife and I had though and rather than dealing with the issues in my marriage was amenable to a friendship with this woman primarily because I was not attracted to her. My feelings were of friendship. I became dependent on that friendship and when it was threatened to be removed I would take the next step forward. When I speak of it now I feel like a dog being trained.

 

bentnotbroken, I will never cheat again. I'd rather cut off my leg.

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Gwyneth, I am here because my wife was reading on this board and pointed out to me the anger that OW have. The words she read to me were about an OW saying the MM didn't lose anything at the end of the affair if the wife stayed with him. My point is that the MM loses a great deal regardless of the outcome with his wife.

 

Nadia, my wife and I were having difficulties. Now I know that those difficulties were primarily of my own making. I missed the easy friendship my wife and I had though and rather than dealing with the issues in my marriage was amenable to a friendship with this woman primarily because I was not attracted to her. My feelings were of friendship. I became dependent on that friendship and when it was threatened to be removed I would take the next step forward. When I speak of it now I feel like a dog being trained.

 

bentnotbroken, I will never cheat again. I'd rather cut off my leg.

 

Green eyed lady, see my reply to Gwyneth.

 

I thought I was clear in the original post. What was confusing?

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Most people pst here because they NEED to - for support. You seem to be positng to tell us that MM looses alot after an affair. Just wondering personally WHY you feel the need to post that?

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Most of the anger that I have seen on this board towards MM whose wives do not leave them after an affair seems to be voicing that he didn't lose anything. I thought it might help to know that the MM loses a lot. If it doesn't help but instead only provides more pain then I apologize for posting and I'll leave you to your thoughts.

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Does it really matter why Fisherman is here posting? I mean, he obviously wanted to share his own personal thoughts and insight - Maybe in hopes someone would understand, or think twice before getting involved in an affair. I don't get why some of you are irked that he's posting on here.

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GEL, he has every right to do so. I suspect he's got some latent resentments and anger towards the OW and needs support/validation, which I'm more than happy to provide.

 

Fisherman, you're another lucky man, that your wife was willing to stay with you and work through the situation. Always keep it in mind and if the situation ever arises again, that you should feel tempted, bring this thought to the forefront, once again. :)

 

Thank-you for your kind thoughts. I know I am lucky. (it won't arise again)

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My situation is a bit different from most - so knowing that my exmm could be going through what you went through casues me alot of pain. But then - my situation is not the norm. I think view points of MM are ALWAYS welcome here as they seem to be few and far between. Just my opinion though.

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Okay, I see. Well it's good to hear the MMs story, but in your case, the OW pursued you, which makes at least my case a bit different. Unless you're just saying the OW pursued you? Like played mind tricks on you?

 

I don't think many MM feel the same way you do, but at least there is one out there with some compassion.

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Nadia, my wife and I were having difficulties. Now I know that those difficulties were primarily of my own making. I missed the easy friendship my wife and I had though and rather than dealing with the issues in my marriage was amenable to a friendship with this woman primarily because I was not attracted to her. My feelings were of friendship. I became dependent on that friendship and when it was threatened to be removed I would take the next step forward. When I speak of it now I feel like a dog being trained.

 

 

I understand. I have done a lot of reading and thinking about affairs, and it seems that they usually happen because one person's emotional needs are not being met in the marriage (I'm not saying your W was purposefully ignoring your emotional needs... she probably didn't even realize they weren't being met and would have gladly acted to meet them had she known of them), and instead of working to fix problems within the marriage, one person looks to another person to fulfill those problems. But it doesn't make the problems in the marriage any better, and it *usually* doesn't make MM have a happy enough new relationship with OW that he leaves the marriage due to the problems to be with OW... it just perpetuates things by making everyone miserable. (Disclaimer to everyone -- I know not *everyone's* situation is like this, but I've read some experts who say that's why and how almost every affair happens).

 

That's why I think affairs are so sad and unnecessary. If MM or MW would just put the effort into the marriage (or into ending the marriage, by getting a divorce) instead of being with another person (who, fisherman, I understand in your case was actually an intruder who willingly tried to break up the marriage, and not an "unsuspecting" woman who thought you were actually in love with her first and were going to leave an unhappy marriage to be with her), there would be much less heartache all around. I think that's why they say that a cheater doesn't cheat b/c the marriage is broken, the cheater cheats b/c something within herself/ himself is broken, and they would rather escape to OW than deal with making himself/ herself a better person, and strengthen or end the marriage. I think that's why even if MM DOES leave the M to be with OW, often the pattern repeats or the same problems arise all over again, b/c it was something wrong with the *cheater*, not with the wife or with the marriage.

 

Sorry to go off track a little, I'm just saying thanks for showing me that what I've studied applies to your story. I really appreciate you being here and sharing your point of view with us. It's very insightful. I'm sorry that some are questioning why you're here -- I think you have every right to be here, and maybe they should question instead why they have a problem with you being here? Thanks again for sharing and for answering my question, it really helps to see a real-life situation back up what I've read from experts. :) I wish I hadn't had to do something really stupid and wrong to learn some important life lessons... it sounds like you are the same in that regard.

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I think view points of MM are ALWAYS welcome here as they seem to be few and far between. Just my opinion though.

 

I agree, Imstunned! :) We need more MM on here and more men's perspective in general. I think that if more MM actually came on here and honestly revealed why they had an affair, how they feel about their W and how they felt about their OW, it would make a lot more OW think "What the H*&^ am I doing? Is this what he really thinks of me?!" I've read that many times after MM gets caught by W, he is shocked at what he's been doing and disgusted with himself and the fog lifts, and he tells his W "I had no intention of leaving you, of course I want to stay married to you. I just liked how she made me feel, that was so stupid of me, I'm so sorry!" Fisherman, I think you are stronger than those men who got caught and realized they were doing the wrong thing, because you realized what you were doing before you were caught, you ended the affair yourself *and* you told your wife yourself, when you obviously thought it could be very harmful to yourself and your own interests. To me, that is true love, when you realize that you did something wrong that hurt the one you loved and you are willing to do anything to make it better and put her first again. I constantly think "love is not self-serving." Telling her something for her best interest, which could definitely go against your own interest (staying married to her, looking good to your family and the general public, etc.) shows that you truely love her and you have learned your lesson. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

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Dear Nadia,

 

[COLOR=black]Your post was very thought provoking. In fact, it tugged at me in a way that was a tad uncomforatble yet very much deserving of my consideration. Thank you. I was curious to learn more about your experience and insights, so I just reviewed several threads to get the gist of your story. I noticed some commonalities, particularly in the origin of your affair-- and then with your growing impatience with your exmm's situation ( THE [/b]common denominator on LS) I was wondering Nadia--are you truly over your xmm? Realizing that you're in NC, has that helped you to withdraw emotionally in so much that your feelings for him have changed? If his divorce moved forward, would you consider going back to him or did you lose repsect for him through this entire ordeal? I really admire your strength![/COLOR]

 

The quoutes above really struck a chord--I'll give them some additional thought.

 

Hi HH&H! I'm so glad I could be of some help to you. My experience was awful (totally my own fault!) and I've learned so much because of it that I wish someone had told me a lot earlier.

 

To answer your questions, YES, I am truely over my xMM. Sometimes I wonder why I still come to these boards because I would like to put that in my past -- I *was* an OW but now I am not and never ever will be one again, and I am very over him, not only b/c we did the right thing but b/c he's not the right person for me. But I still have a lot of questions to myself about how I could gotten involved in this situation in the first place, how to forgive myself for it, and how to learn things from it. I feel very guilty and stupid and mad at myself and him about it, so in that sense, I am not truly "over" the affair, in terms of what I did, but I am very over him. (I've also met some people on here that I really like and some situations I'd like to find out how they turn out, so I come back to read other people's stories now that I'm not asking advice on my own. :) And I'd like to share my experience and lessons learned with other women (or men) who are in the situation I used to be in, because I received *so much* help here when I really needed it and wasn't fully getting it in real life. I remember I used to wait hopefully for people to answer my questions about if I should leave, why he was doing certain things, etc. So now I'm trying to repay the favor by giving advice to other people (although sometimes that backfires and I've been told to go away lol, so I am really glad that my words resonated with you and that I'm not just some holier-than-now-sounding pest to other OW.)

 

Anyway -- I am over him because yes, as you suggested, I lost respect for him in the process. I thought, what kind of man cheats on his wife, and strings both along for his own benefit? I began to be able to see through his lies and manipulations. (A lot of that came from the really good advice/ experience of people on this board who explained to me what he was REALLY up to. They had the objective perspective I lacked, and desperately needed to wake up and see!) I no longer think he's a "bad" man but I think he is a weak man who is too cowardly to truly change his situation and find happiness for himself. Instead he was selfish and wavering and I began to realize that I could only have him for myself if I MADE him leave her, which was never the situation I had signed up for.

 

Because I learned from this experience and found out what true love, marriage, integrity is all about, and he didn't (and HE is the one who is married, and much older than me), I realized that is not the right guy for me. I want someone who consistently does the right thing and wants the right thing for me, not someone who helps me do the wrong thing (not that I didn't willingly go along with it at the time... but I am stronger and smarter now and I will never do it again!). Does that make sense? So yes, because of all these reasons and more, I am totally over him and I would not go back to him if he got divorced, because I would always think he would do the same thing to me... he did not have respect for his wife or marriage, and he lies and hides things to make himself look better and to get what he wants. That is not the kind of man I want to be with, even if he's divorced.

 

You also asked me: "Realizing that you're in NC, has that helped you to withdraw emotionally in so much that your feelings for him have changed?" Yes, definitely! Even though I knew logically that I was doing the right thing breaking up with him, I was torn emotionally and it was so easy to give in to his requests for more contact, explanations, etc... and I felt I was stuck in a whirlwind, nothing was stable. It was only after I told him "NO MORE CONTACT AT ALL" and stuck to it (ignoring his calls and personal emails) that I felt powerful, happy, and really began to be able to think everything through for myself. NC was the absolute best thing I ever did in this situation (and I didn't even know what it was before I found this board... another reason I'm thankful for it!)

 

I hope this helps clarify your questions HH&H. Please don't hesitate to tell me about your situation and ask for my advice if you'd like it, or just for a listening ear (I do realize that some OW/ OM are not yet ready to leave MM or go NC, so I'll try not to be pushy if you don't want to do something I suggest ... I'll just tell you the only things that really worked for me), or if you have further questions about my own situation, etc. Feel free to PM me or start a new thread, etc. (I am so sorry for temporarily taking over your thread CrazyBrain!!) Best wishes, thanks for the post! ~Nadia

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