Update...it just keeps getting better and better...

[Gwyneth]

Hello all So here's an update on my glorious affair (sarcasm)...

 

Last week he and I were both off. I was off a few days and he was off the whole week. We planned on spending a day together for a little while. So Wednesday night I had emailed him (now this was a week ago not this current week) and told him I was busy shopping for my apartment, blah blah blah. I didn't say anything about hanging out--I figured let him since he was the one who initially said we can hang out. So I hear from him on Thursday afternoon--and I had thought we would hang out Thursday--and he didn't mention anything about us hanging out. So I became furious. I think that even if a girl friend did this to me, I'd be Furious. Friends before Lovers, ya know? So I wrote back a nasty message about how I'm obviosly not important and thanks, blah blah. I didn't hear back from him. So Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday pass and nothing. I figured it's over, move on now, that's great. Perfect opportunity to move on. Well my heart ached. I missed him. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I really care about this guy and while I'm not in love with him, the thought of losing him does in fact hurt. So on Tuesday of this week, I emailed him asking "are we not talking anymore," because I had to know. He emailed back very friendly and said that he thought I was too busy to talk to him--so all along, we thought the same thing. Miscommunication always gets the best of us. So we emailed back and forth the whole day updating each other on our lives, but I was still Very upset with him that he didn't even make an attempt to contact me the prior week. I know I'm the OW but still, friends before lovers, that's our deal. He said I didn't contact him either, which is true, and when I did contact him, I didn't make it seem like I could hang out. That's why I say this is miscommunication. Well Tuesday night I began having an argument with him via email letting him know how I really feel and how wrong he was, etc. He kept replying 1% defending himself and 99% apologizing. He then proceeded to tell me she, as in the wife, was home with him all week. Well that p'd me off even more. I told him that was Not an excuse not to email me or call me and say "hey, my wife's home this week so let's cool it off for a few days." I know I'm the OW, but I'm still a human being with feelings. I was Very nasty to him and I sit here wondering why he didn't just say, "you know, it's been great, fun and all, but maybe this should end since you are angry and I am married," and so forth. Why? Why can't he just end it? I know I know, have his cake and eat it too, but I am not sure if I totally buy that. I am pretty sure this guy has fallen in love with me but is too afraid to leave his wife and her son. It's all that family value and ego stuff we were all discussing in the other thread. I understand that though and I respect that, but why act all superior then cheat on your wife? Well, that's for a whole nother thread. Then we began arguing because tomorrow is his birthday and he kept asking me what Saturday is. Well I played dumb with him, and he was getting upset. He really wants to make sure I remember his birthday. Earlier, he'd randomly ask me what November 24th is. Why is it so important to him that I know his birthday is Saturday? I told him "I choose not to remember what Saturday is just like you chose not to remember me last week." Then I told him to Wrap That. He said he likes my attitude.

 

Well we are okay now, I suppose. I haven't seen him in over two weeks and am not sue when I will see him again--if ever. He's going to call me tomorrow--boy really wants to make sure I wish him a Happy Birthday or something.

 

What I am asking is, why isn't this guy taking the perfect moments to say "let's end this so I can work on my marriage" and why is it so important to him that I remember his birthday?

 

Oh, side note--he'd rather work on our problems than his problems at home with wifey. Weird? I think so.

[PLAYBRAT]

OMG Gwyneth....Please end yours..AND his misery NOW and don't wait.

I can see this EA...going on...and on and on.....and on..and on.

 

There will ALWAYS be an excuse why he is not 'quite done" with his marriage.....GIRL..you have SUCH an upper hand just by coming to this site. PLEASE don't waste any more time.............please

get out NOW!!!!!!!!!!

[Gwyneth]

I'm trying!!! I really am!!! I am slowly becoming attached to him. I even told him to worry about his wife for his birthday, not me. He didn't want to hear of it (well, wifey doesn't celebrate Anything). He insists I know when his birthday is. Why? Why does he care??? Grrrrr.

[Lyssa]

Why is it so important to him that I know his birthday is Saturday? I told him "I choose not to remember what Saturday is just like you chose not to remember me last week." Then I told him to Wrap That. He said he likes my attitude.

 

LOL - I love your attitude!!!

 

What I am asking is, why isn't this guy taking the perfect moments to say "let's end this so I can work on my marriage" and why is it so important to him that I remember his birthday?

 

You should be the one to tell him "It's time for us to end this. Since you don't have the balls to do it, I'll do it!"

 

Oh, side note--he'd rather work on our problems than his problems at home with wifey. Weird? I think so.

 

Tell him to work on his M and if it really isn't working, he should just leave! Yeah, my MM's xW didn't celebrate anything either. He's not big on celebrations himself so on his birthdays, he's usually off to watch test cricket.

[Gwyneth]

LOL - I love your attitude!!!

 

THANK YOU!!!! Apparently he too found that funny...

 

I don't have the balls either to end this affair. We are trapped emotionally and most of the physical stuff hasn't even happened. We want it to, but you know, no place to get it on and I'm really not into the whole "let's f*ck in the back seat of your family wagon." I think we both don't want this to end--that's the problem. I guess it's true that a man (or a woman) can be in love with their spouse and OP at the same time. I don't understand why he prefers to work on his problems with me instead of the ones with the wife. Maybe the problems with the wife are not fixable--or do not exist. Well, I don't believe they do not exist because if they didn't, then there would be no need for me and all the insults of the wife on his part.

 

I'm going insane. I really am...

[quankanne]

What I am asking is, why isn't this guy taking the perfect moments to say "let's end this so I can work on my marriage" and why is it so important to him that I remember his birthday?

 

good question, but it's one that only he can give a suitable answer for. Besides, I think the bigger question is why are you selling yourself short? I mean emotions and "friendship" aside, what is so important about being with this particular person that you're willing to subject yourself to this? Not trying to be judgmental, just truly wondering what it is that keeps people in an extramarital affair when the odds are so stacked against them ... because it seems that someone ends up selling him/herself short for the affection of another. And that's just not right.

[Gwyneth]

I'm not reallys ure, to be honest with you. Feelings of course exist and aren't so easy to let go of no matter what the case is--at least not for me.

 

What's so special about him? Well, the friendship we have is very important to me and I have a lot of pride in having him as a friend even given the circumstances. Also, a LOT of good things have come my way since I met him--promotion at work, new home, new car, and other nice things have come my way since I met him. Coincidence??

[Lyssa]

THANK YOU!!!! Apparently he too found that funny...

 

I don't have the balls either to end this affair. We are trapped emotionally and most of the physical stuff hasn't even happened. We want it to, but you know, no place to get it on and I'm really not into the whole "let's f*ck in the back seat of your family wagon." I think we both don't want this to end--that's the problem. I guess it's true that a man (or a woman) can be in love with their spouse and OP at the same time. I don't understand why he prefers to work on his problems with me instead of the ones with the wife. Maybe the problems with the wife are not fixable--or do not exist. Well, I don't believe they do not exist because if they didn't, then there would be no need for me and all the insults of the wife on his part.

 

I'm going insane. I really am...

 

Well, whenever I have my feisty attitude mode on - my MM find it funny too until he sees me. I think MM think that just because we put up with them, we don't have the guts to be feisty or stand up for ourselves. Yes, he'll probably read my post with a smile but he knows how nasty I can be!

 

It's hard to end it if you started off emotionally. Like you, we were involved emotionally first. For months too and it was really hard for me to end it. I have always wanted to end it because I know I deserve so much more and a man all to myself. After I came back from visiting him (we are in a LDR), he asked how long could I wait and I told him - I couldn't wait forever and I didn't want to wait for more than 2 years. D has always been discussed in his M before this but it didn't materialise until now. So I didn't have to wait long.

 

My point is it is not easy to end it but you have to do it if you feel you can no longer wait or don't see the relationship (affair - whatever people choose to call it) going anywhere. Ask yourself what is it that you want out of this. Tell him what it is that you want and see what he'll do about it. If he doesn't do anything about it - LEAVE.

[Gwyneth]

I think eventually it will just fade away. Something will happen, but I'm not worrying about it much now. I'm the type of person who begins to worry when it's actually happening--not prior to. I'm like that about Every thing

[PoshPrincess]

while I'm not in love with him, the thought of losing him does in fact hurt.

 

Sorry, just catching up briefly and haven't had time to read the whole thread but I've just picked up on this bit. You're not in love with him? My advice would be to get the hell out before you fall hook line and sinker because it only gets worse!

[Gwyneth]

I know I should get out of it now before I do fall in love, but I can't yet. I'm not ready to. Who knows--maybe I am in love with him. I'm not sure, as I have never truly been in love (well in HS, but does that count?).

[4whatItsWorth]

Gwyneth, if you'd never emailed him back after he didn't contact you on the thursday, do you believe he'd ever contacted you again?

 

To me it actually doesn't look like an EA or a PA...because it all seems so cold coming from him. (Haven't read all your threads, has he promised you anything or told you that he loved you or anything like that?)

[frannie]

I don't have the balls either to end this affair. We are trapped emotionally... I think we both don't want this to end--that's the problem.

 

I don't understand why he prefers to work on his problems with me instead of the ones with the wife.

 

Yes, people definitely get stuck in affairs... and it consumes a lot of energy and time. Far, far too much... but then that's part of the compulsion in a way...

 

I would say the reason he prefers to try to 'work on things' with you is that it's interesting and challenging for him. While what's going on at home has been going on a long time, and probably will for the forseeable future... so no interest there.

[torranceshipman]

Gwyneth,

 

Seriously, I wish you were one of my friends and I would haul you out for drinks tonight and talk - no shake! - some sense into you.

 

The guy is already a coward for messing behind his W's back...so of course he'd rather 'work on' problems between you two - he is 100% ignoring problems with his W by flirting with you. I think he likes the feeling of ego and power, having you waiting around for him, for just a bit of his time. And that thing about being a coward, that is exactly why he wont end it - he's too much of a coward, simple. I am sure he has feelings for you, but he's not strong enough as a man to ever sort this out for his W or for you, and he's just running around causing damage for other people through his own weaknesses and shortcomings.

 

I'm soooo glad you two havent got physical - walk away now before it does. You seem so blinded by this guy, right down the comments you make about whether its a coincidence that good things have happened to you since you met him (you did that, not him!) - and being so proud to be his friend. If any one of my male friends was having an A, we'd all be so let down by him and he wouldnt be our friend for long unless he did the right thing - so really, what on earth makes you so proud about him being your friend?

 

And the last thing....he is acting like a guy who isnt that in to you - sorry sweetie, but its true. If he was really into you, he'd be respectful and be making concrete arrangements to see you and sticking to them, etc - but he seems, in my opinion, to be gaslighting you all over the place and yet again you are the one left hurt, wondering what the hell is going on, initiating contact, and waiting around for him.

 

You are waaayyyyy too good for this! You already seem SO invested without anything physical happening - if it does, I think you'll be sucked in to such an extent that you'll end up being one of these OW that are still stuck in the A after 5 yrs, with no end in sight.

 

He simply doesnt seem to have the character to face up to his responsibilities, so I wouldnt expect him to ever change from his current behaviour if I were you.

[EnigmasMuse]

It sounds to me like the both of you know deep down in the back of your minds, that it probably should end for various reasons. I think one is possibly waiting on the other to end it, and no one ends it thinking the other one will, so it continues on in a cycle.

[Gwyneth]

Gwyneth, if you'd never emailed him back after he didn't contact you on the thursday, do you believe he'd ever contacted you again?

 

To me it actually doesn't look like an EA or a PA...because it all seems so cold coming from him. (Haven't read all your threads, has he promised you anything or told you that he loved you or anything like that?)

 

We've made no promises to each other. As I have said before, we both knew what was happening when we got into it, and those rules still apply. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me--I know it isn't that easy. He has talked about leaving her and if he does, good for him, if he doesn't, good for him. Either way, he will do what he needs to do. I cannot change or make up his mind for him, and I don't try to.

 

Would he have contact me if I didn't? I believe he would have. I'm the only one who knows of the email address he uses to email me, and he replied quickly after I sent it. So I think he was checking it frequently. I think it's true that he thought I was busy--I reread my email to him from the prevous week and it did sound as if I was too busy even for myself. It was miscommunication--what can I say? I"m over it. He called me three times today--twice I missed his call, and the third time I answered. He made sure he spoke to me today because it's his birthday. He wanted that Happy Birthday from me--that much is obvious. He made sure I knew what today was. Since August, he'd been asking me what November 24th is. He's like a kid--Peter Pan I should call him.

 

I'm not being blind--I know what I got myself into, and I know what i need to do to get out of it. I'm just not ready...I'm helpless and hopeless...

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

He emailed back very friendly and said that he thought I was too busy to talk to him--so all along, we thought the same thing.

And you believe that bullsh*t? Last week he KNEW you were angry because once AGAIN, he'd treated you like an option and not a priority. So he blew you off because he didn't want to DEAL with your anger at him. HOW does it all of a sudden become, "I thought you were too busy to talk to me" to explain how he IGNORED you because you were mad at him? Call a spade and a spade and quit deluding yourself. He blew you off because you were MAD and he didn't want to DEAL with you.

 

Period.

 

Now you've talked yourself into believing it was a 'miscommunication?' Oh please. I guess I should never underestimate the power of denial.

 

...I didn't make it seem like I could hang out. That's why I say this is miscommunication.

Yeah yeah yeah...because you didn't roll out the red carpet for Mr. Wonderful, his ignoring you for like 5 days last week becomes all YOUR fault, is it? This guy's good at manipulation.

 

Once more, I guess I should never underestimate the power of denial.

 

...."hey, my wife's home this week so let's cool it off for a few days." I know I'm the OW, but I'm still a human being with feelings.

Didn't anyone TELL you that your feelings DON'T count when you take up with a selfish, lying cheater? Only HIS do. Because it's ALL ABOUT HIM.

 

Why? Why can't he just end it? I know I know, have his cake and eat it too, but I am not sure if I totally buy that.

Because that's what selfish, self-entitled, self-absorbed lying cheaters DO - want fun on the side. You're giving him a run for his money and I'm sure he'd like nothing better than for you to just shut up and do what he wants you to - admire him, stroke his ego, and since you claim you haven't had full sex with him yet, you're also giving him the thrill of the chase. Sorry, but it's true.

 

I understand that though and I respect that, but why act all superior then cheat on your wife?

Because that's what selfish, self-entitled, self-absorbed lying cheaters DO.

 

Well I played dumb with him, and he was getting upset. He really wants to make sure I remember his birthday.

Don't forget - he's in this for ego strokes. Better make sure to stroke his worthless ego as much as you can or you WILL be replaced. Just ask his wife.

 

Well we are okay now, I suppose. I haven't seen him in over two weeks and am not sue when I will see him again--if ever.

I don't get it - I thought you said he was in love with you but was afraid to leave his family for you? Gosh, that's a really funny way of showing it, don'tcha think?

 

What I am asking is, why isn't this guy taking the perfect moments to say "let's end this so I can work on my marriage" and why is it so important to him that I remember his birthday?

AGAIN, it's all the ego strokes and the availability of something strange on the side. Period.

 

Oh, side note--he'd rather work on our problems than his problems at home with wifey. Weird? I think so.

Now what gave you THAT idea? Was it when he ignored you for what - 5 days last week - and then LIED and claimed he thought you were busy? Is that his way of working on things? LMAO. Please.

 

I'll say it again. I guess I should never underestimate the power of denial.

[Gwyneth]

Um, you sound Extremely bitter. I laughed though.

 

First of all, he wasn't ignoring me because I never contacted him and was ignored. I don't even know why I said that--if I even did say that. I said it was miscommunication because we both thought each other were too busy for the other one. It happens--what can I say? That's not an excuse, it's the truth of the matter. How can he ignore me when there was never a time I tried to get a hold of him and never heard back? That's just silly.

 

Second, I haven't seen him in two weeks for personal reasons. I had a death in my family, then work work work. He isn't my boyfriend so I am not obligated to see him weekly. I haven't seen my best friend since August and she lives the same distance from me as the MM does.

 

He didn't know I was angry until the day I told him I was angry, which was only last week. The week he and I were both off, he didn't know I was angry. I don't even know if I was angry at that point. I could have contacted him and asked him to hang out--instead, I wanted to put the blame on him for not asking me to hang out. So we were both equally wrong. I posted this because I was angry, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that I was being silly and stupid for getting mad when there was nothing to be mad about. Well, the fact that he didn't contact me, but I didn't contact him either. And the minute I did, he responded within an hour. So I worked myself up over nothing. I am the only one who communicates with him on the email address I send him emails to, so he must have been checking it quite often to had emailed me back so quickly. I know I'm the only one who uses that email address because I have access to it. In case anyone wanted to say he's lying to me about having a secret email.

[Gwyneth]

Nope not your BF, just the MM to someone else.

 

Thank you for pointing that out to me! Because four months later, I hadn't realized he was married to someone else.

[torranceshipman]

BentNotBroken doesnt sound bitter at all, and I don't know what you found to laugh at in that post...what Bent said about the MM is true, everyone else can see that from a mile off (apart from you because you are so into him) - and all Bent's malice was directed at the MM - understandable as your MM is behaving like a complete assclown and treating you with a complete lack or respect.

 

Simply put, the guy is treating you like crap, and nobody here likes to see you being treated like crap, hence honest straight up post's like Bents to try to help you get out of this R with a total loser, but you don't seem to appreciate that at all!

[Gwyneth]

You not only realize it, you are starting to realize that maybe, just maybe you are worth more than that hemorrhoid has to offer.

 

LOL, you crack me up! I was laughing with you, not at you--I'm sorry, I just find your sense of humor very funny. I wasn't trying to be mean about it (as I think torranceshipman might have thought).

 

Your choice of words to describe the cheater=funny to me. I thought maybe you could be bitter because you were once hurt? I am a bit bitter toward men--my supervisor calls me Used Goods because I always put men down. I know, I'm tacky.

[nadiaj2727]

BentNotBroken doesnt sound bitter at all, and I don't know what you found to laugh at in that post...what Bent said about the MM is true, everyone else can see that from a mile off (apart from you because you are so into him) - and all Bent's malice was directed at the MM - understandable as your MM is behaving like a complete assclown and treating you with a complete lack or respect.

 

Simply put, the guy is treating you like crap, and nobody here likes to see you being treated like crap, hence honest straight up post's like Bents to try to help you get out of this R with a total loser, but you don't seem to appreciate that at all!

 

I agree, torranceshipman! (I always like your posts, by the way, they always sound eloquent and thoughtful. ) Bentnotbroken did not sound bitter at all in her post Gwenyth, she sounded like she was trying to give you an honest opinion, and because you don't like her opinion, you said she sounded bitter. To the objective observer, not the person who doesn't like the advice given, bentnotbroken's post is anything but bitter. I also totally agree that this guy is treating you like crap, and selfishly using you, and that's what I've been trying to tell you since the first day you came on this forum, asking if you should pursue this "friendship" with a MM. We are just trying to help you, we don't like to see women being used by men.

[Gwyneth]

Hey guys I think it was someone else she was calling bitter. Or did I miss something?

 

No, I said you seem a bit bitter...are you? I don't know your story. I'm bad with names and stories. Well your cracks at men are funny but you seem angry. That's all.

[Gwyneth]

My anger doesn't extend to the general population. Unless of course you show absolute and total disregard for human decency and no potential for improvement. Mr. Messy Pants, is no longer part of my heart. I love him of course. He is the father of my children and God commands me to love others as myself. If I can't love the people who I see everyday, how am I going to love him who I have never seen?

 

I have my moments of absolute red bull rage. Especially as the ow doesn't know when to leave well enough alone.( she will eventually realize she should have left me alone while the getting was good, but I digress). So angry, yes on occasion. Bitter, no point. My God loves me, and I love him, my health is good, my children are healing and I need a pair of shades.

 

that's because you're hot, right? LOL

 

Well that's good. I guess it's good to make names for the cheating man to help yourself move on. Now I remember--you're Mr. Messy Pants LOL. I guess humor is the best way to deal with pain. I wouldn't call my MM a hemerroid yet (I mean, have you ever had one). Not just yet at least...give me another month or two. Some days, yes, he's one, but this week, no, cuz I'm not moody (if you catch my drift here).

[Gwyneth]

Hemorrhoid, boil, callous, hairy mole it's all pretty much an abnormal growth that should be removed as soon as possible.

 

My sense of humor or lack there of, has nothing to do with healing. It has t do with life. You either laugh or cry. I work with special needs children and you learn to laugh a lot. And as far as moving on. I have moved on and set up residence in a new phase of my life. He moved out, I moved on and life is good.

 

That's good. Well, you seem like a woman who has her sh*t together and tells it how it is...that's good. I am like that too...you get the honest truth from me. All women need to be like that!